If..................

Tonight Tim and are watching a documentary on a specific rally car driver. He is sloshing in the mud and is just having so much fun! I have ridden in the race with Tim and loved every minute of it. One time we ended up on our side as we made our way through the course. Tim had told me before I got in the car that if we start to roll I am not to put my hands up and  better right before I got in. I didn't put my hands up but boy did I laugh! Oh, and I didn't pee myself, hehehehe!!! There wasn't a moment of fear, only excitement of moving fast! Buddy Dennis, you will know what I mean.Tonight I told Tim that if I could go back in time and IF I didn't have Lupus I would become the first girl rally car racer and I swore to him that I would be great! That is one of the only times I have ever mentioned if...........................

Such a simple word but such a turn it makes in your life when you say it..... if. If I had more money, if I finished school, if I started a family younger and IF I didn't have Lupus. If...........if..........if..........it makes me sad when I think about if's  not because what my life could have been but sad because I feel almost ashamed of saying it. You see I do not feel sorry for myself when it comes to being sick and having Lupus. I suck in that bottom lip, pull up my big girl pants and as Tim would say, "suck it up buttercup!" 

Lupus changed my life at such an early age. I was such a baby when the doctor told me. I was only 22 and at that age I don't think I could fully comprehend what was going on. I didn't know the toll it would take on my body and soul. I didn't know that the decisions I made then would affect how I feel today. I was not told that the chemo that makes my immune system at least a bit better would enable me to have children years down the road. I didn't know that pain medication could become addictive. I just didn't know. I was young, having fun and no one else around me was sick. So I went on and as years went by I understood my disease a little more at a time.

Today over 10 years have went by and I learn something new everyday about my body and how Lupus affects everything from my mind to my joints in my toes.......yes, my toes!!!!! I had no idea I even had those joints there!!!!! It has been a long road and sometimes a sad road but it is a road I would never have missed. My disease does not define me but it has made me who I am today. Life is hard, days can be long and nights can be excruciating but they are who I am and to love love me is to love me with Lupus. 

Furry Friend

Today we lost a family member. No it was not a grandma or a grandpa, not even one that walks on two legs but instead the kind that walks on four. His name is Boskey and he is the fluffiest, most gentle and loving dog in the world! For you to really understand my family and how we just love our furry friends I need to let you in on a few little family stories...........

My favorite story before I was born is about a cat my mom and dad had. My mom loved the cat but my dad did not. Well, who could blame him....the cat peed in my dads shoes, ONLY my dads shoes!!!! I am surprised that cat even stayed around as long as he did! Well, my dad was in the army and was being stationed in Anchorage, Alaska. So, they packed up their belonging into one old van and starting from Ohio drove to Alaska and even brought the shoe peeing cat along. At one of their many stops to stretch their legs, grab some gas and a snack or two they opened the door of the van to check on everything. Everything looked good so they headed back out. Finally my mom realized something was missing and asked my dad if he had seen their cat. He said no and kept driving. My mom was a little frantic looking for the fur ball and eventually she looked out her window. There, right outside her window was the cat hanging on for dear life!!!!! His paws were caught in the van door! My mom told me that all she could see was his mouth moving meow!!!!!!  Of course they stopped the van and pulled the kitty in. Yes, it still peed in my dads shoes!!!!!!

After all of that we still had pets as kids. The first dog I can remember having is Arrow. He was a beautiful black dog and from what I can remember, a sweet and loving dog. My first memory of cats are two cats Holly and I had, Tom and Jerry. Those poor cats!!!!!! Holly and I were soooooooo young and we would dress them up in doll clothes and squeeze them all the time! They would fight us and eventually Holly got scratched and yes, she had cat scratch fever! No, I am serious there really is an infection related to cat scratches and they call it cat scratch fever! When I told that to Tim he did not believe me at first but my mom supported my story and diagnosis, hehehehehe.

Our love of pets continued to grow as we got older. My dad married Suzette and our first pet as a family was Chelsea. Chelsea was a beautiful Golden Retriever with beautiful light colored hair. Chelsea was a sweet pup and she was with us when Jeffrey and Stephanie were born. Chelsea was an outside dog so we all got play with her in the yard. In the summer time we would run outside, throw our socks around and run barefooted all over the place. We would go back to collect our socks when we were called inside but for some reason one sock would be missing. We had no idea what had happened. We figured Chelsea ran off with it and was using it as a chew tow. That summer when my dad was planting our garden for the year he stepped in a pile of poo. It was no ordinary pile of poo, it was a pile of poo with a sock in it!!!! Chelsea ate our socks!!!! The mystery was solved and from that point on socks came off at the front door before we ran out to play.

Growing up we did not have dogs just for pets. My mom married Dave and Dave was an avid hunter. He would go hunting every winter and bring home a deer that would stock us up on meat for the year. When I was young I was so sad when he would kill something until we had dinner later that night. I would ask Dave what kind of hamburgers these were because they were the best.......he looked at me and said Bambi burger's. My sadness for hunting ended right there and my appreciation for hunting began. His best weapon was not a gun but a Beagle. The best Beagle in the world and we named her Queenie!She was such a loving pup and boy when she found a trail she never left it and this ended with Dave bringing home more dinner! At this time we also bread Golden Retrievers and we were able to keep one of the puppies because he ended up having seizures. So, his official name on his papers......Lord Seizure Lays A Lot (we called him Ceaser)! He was amazing and picked up any trick you could throw at him!!!! To this day we remember the amazing Ceasar and the fun we had!

As we all grew up it became apparent that all of my sisters and brother loved animals. My sister Stephanie is allergic to cats but that did not stop her from bringing home strays. She was not allowed to have them inside so she would go into the garage, hunt them all down from their hiding spaces and snuggle with them until her arms were so red and itchy. All of that love led her to become an assistant to a vet. Now Stephanie is married and you bet they have some cute pups in their family! Now my brother Jeffrey loved animals but not like Holly and Stephanie.  He would hold them and pet the dogs but what he REALLY loved were penguins! He loved penguins so much as a kid that Stephanie drew him a picture of a family of penguins in art class !!!! He didn't just love them, they also just cracked him up! When we went to the zoo and saw penguins he would just laugh and laugh at them! It was so funny and we will never let him forget his silly love for those black and white little fellas.

This brings us back to today and our loss of another furry family member. Holly and Russ picked Boskey out before they were married. Boskey was their first child and he was a good one! They were strict from the very begging which led to no jumping, biting or misbehaving. They raised him to be the best dog ever! One thing he always did to me was as soon as I walked into the door he would take my wrist in his mouth very gently and would basically hold my hand a he would take me to all of his toys! He also was an amazing snuggler. I could spoon him and he would just lay there and let me pet him as much as I wanted. He slept with me at night and played with his Russ all the time. Boskey also would talk to you after a long day at the office. Holly would call me right before she walked into the door so I could hear him greet her and tell her all about his day. When Holly became pregnant with Lauren we all worried about Boskey and what kind of family dog he would be. He was big and could take up a whole room, how would he make room for a new little one???? The day finally came and Lauren was brought home to Boskey and they became best friends. Lauren would lay on him, pull at him, pull up on him.....anything you can think of when you think of a kid with a pup is just about right. He took it all and loved it and even shared his puppy pillow with Lauren. He was the best family dog ever. When Mia was born, again they became best friends. Boskey loved his two little best friends and was such a happy family dog. His tail curled and his hair was fluffy. I could brush and brush him and he would still need to be brushed more! 

Boskey was a patient puppy and a kind soul. His last few months have been tough because of his health and the hardest decision Russ and Holly have ever had to make was made and today Boskey is at peace. He is running with no pain. He has the largest and best chew toys there are in the world and I just know he has a steady stream of treats that he just can not stop eating! He is happy and content but we are not. Boskey was our family member and we will miss him forever. We have our memories but we will not have a play buddy anymore. Time will keep moving and life will happen but today we stop right in our tracks. It is time for us to be sad and remember that fluff ball that could never be brushed enough.