Survivor

The time has come much sooner than I expected. As my legs start to plant themselves firmly in reality I am faced with the choice to once more step away from everyday life in the pursuit of hope. Time has slowly begun to heal my soul and piece back together my broken heart. I now must decide if I am whole enough once more to be vulnerable enough to break again. 

In the deepest corners of my sadness it felt as though time crawled. My broken heart lingered within my body as I physically healed. The distant future held hope that I could not even take my mind to. Time was my best friend and worst enemy. It slipped through my hands like sand and slowly enough for me to count each miniscule granule. 

As hours moved forward and night continued to turn to day I embraced the slow moving time as a gift. I loved my casual Sunday pace of everyday life. I could lose myself in moments that may have been rushed. I was empowered to embrace the times of sorrow as well as embrace the times of joy. Life did not rush me. I found myself soaking in the sun on warmer days. As the trees bloomed I smelled the sweet joy of another season passing. Life was alive and finally I was awake.

Over the last few weeks I have been reminded of how beautiful yet fragile life is. It crashes onto the shores until the moment it is drawn back out. It is in constant motion and is forever evolving. Today is on the brink of becoming the past and tomorrow will be our present in the blink of an eye. Hope lives here now and pushes me beyond what I thought was humanly possible. I am a survivor in every sense of the word.

I don't know what is going to happen in this life but I see the possibilities. I know that if I fall once more there are many hands and hearts to help me back up. I am not alone and recognizing that love alone can carry you through the dark is enough for me to place my hope in the light.

The End Is Here

I walked out of the office. It was my final draw in this journey. I said my sweet goodbyes knowing that the faces that have pulled me through the devastation would no longer be visible on a weekly basis. I looked in her eyes and realized those eyes are the ones I looked forward to seeing every Monday. In her eyes I could find my blueberry. In those eyes were pictures of the last six months. The excitement of our baby on the way, the heartbreaking phone call only she could make telling me the end was nearing and finally, the final moment where the present officially became the past. My time was real and in those eyes I am reassured that the joy and the heartbreak were not a dream I just woke up from but one I actually experienced.

Longing for the day when I could say it was all over has been realized and the relief I thought I would feel is nothing but a figment of my imagination. This feeling is not what I expected. I felt as though my heart could break no more than it already had but I was mistaken. I realize now that I held on to every positive reading knowing that my body was trying to catch up to reality. It was a gift given to me by myself. A chance to allow my heart to catch up to life itself. The presence of my pregnancy was fleeting but still there. I was allowed to feel for one more week what it meant to be pregnant. I was given one more week to mourn the loss of what never will be. I didn't have to forget anything when my body was constantly reminding me. Every moment I clinged to as time slowly ripped it from my grasp. 

Today I stare at my open hands. Bare and red from the tight grip on slipping memories. They are now empty as my palms reach up and I search for something to grasp. Finally realizing there is nothing left. What I thought was the worst is still yet to come. Finding the grace to hold my head high once more and try again is the greatest challenge I face. Stepping out into the world every morning and facing the world after is the fear of today.

One day at a time is too big for my heart. One hour at a time is more of the pace I am finding myself in. As hours pass and moments of anger, sadness and smiles compile before I know it another day will have passed. I will have made it through and I will lay my head down on my pillow that night. In the moment of haze as I step one foot from reality and place it into my world of dreams I will remind myself. Today is done and tomorrow is near. What was unbearable today will be easier tomorrow. The sun will bring me back to reality and as I step out into the day I will remind myself today is a new day and a chance to once again simply try again. 

Our Voices

During the night I am left in silence. I find myself in moments that belong to me and me alone. Until now the night held dark corners I would get lost in. Sadness was the abyss that lingered on every edge I stepped up to. Life froze and paralyzed my heart. The path that was laid out before mere weeks ago had been destroyed. Once more I was left in the rubble trying to find a way to rebuild and once more find hope, love and a purpose. In the darkness of the night I was reminded of something so simple. This life is not just about me. It is not about my pain and my loss. The selfishness I had immersed myself in in my quest to grieve must end. Once more I found my sense of direction and slowly the path destroyed is slowly finding a new direction to take me in.

Life is a struggle every moment and emptiness takes on new meaning. Hope is distinguished and the loneliness of life is real. All of this carried on the shoulders of a tiny one whose only care in the world should be freedom of exploration. Friendships beckoning them to come out and play. A life that I was so blessed to enjoy as a child. Somewhere out there under the same sun rising is a child whose voice is quiet but whose story needs to be heard. Their tiny heart feels lost and alone. Hang on tight little one because I am almost there.

In a matter of a few short weeks our lives will collide. I will carry your tears in a jar. The words you used to cry out will no longer fall on deaf ears. You may be tiny in stature but together we will be larger than life. I will stand tall for you in moments of fear. I will hold you when you cry and protect you during the moments of darkness. I will choose to be your constant until you are safe. An advocate for myself I will no longer be because something even larger than myself calls out for me in the night. I will advocate for you in a world where tiny voices are hard to hear. No more. All will listen when you speak and for the first time together we will find your hope. 

When our time together is over and for the first time you will be surrounded by safety and love I will thank you. You may never know but in this life of mine you saved me. You showed me once more that unconditional love comes in many forms. I needed you just as much as you needed me. You pulled me out of the depths of grief in order to see the light once more. In the search for your hope I found mine. You allowed me to see the changing landscape of my life and you pulled my hand into the world once more. As I drift off in thought I think of you waiting for me in this moment. Needing me to be your person. I stop in this moment and step away from that thought and realize that it is me in need. I am the one who is truly waiting for you. Together we will change each others lives. I may give you a voice but you helped me find mine once more. 

My Path

Yesterday I woke to the sun screaming......GET OUT OF BED LAZY HEAD! I answered ever so politely and gestured my way to the sink for a glass of water and my normal morning breakfast of medications to jump start my day. It was going to be a busy day. A day that would hopefully fill my mind in ways that would not allow my heart to take over. I need today. I needed today to give me a respite from the unpredictable waves of grief. My shore could not take anymore abuse and a calm was needed for my heart and soul to catch its breath once more.

I bustled through the morning preparing a grant application. Doctors were called and the voices that echoed my life altering news mere days before were sweet with words and it sickened my soul. For a moment I found myself angry. How could their days, their nights, their lives move on so quickly when the loss I am feeling is still so unbearable? I reminded myself of the love I knew they felt for me and the minutes spent on holidays talking to me and answering my questions. Their voices were not sickening sweet but voices filled with hope. Hope for myself and hope for all of the others wanting to become mamas that they would meet throughout their day.They were not allowed moments of grief for others. They had to rebound faster than anyone else in order to comfort the next reassuring them that their story may turn out different.

After my calls I found myself out in the middle of the day. A time I had sheltered myself from as much as possible over the last week. I stood in line at the post office. I watched men with boxes. I watched women rushing through their lunch hour just to make sure that their bosses knew the much anticipated letter was mailed. My eyes fixated on one women ahead of me in line. She was someone close to my age. Her face full of frustration and worry that could be traced to everything else on her to do list that was put off by this one moment of wait. On one hip her bag rested and on the other her toddler. I found myself once more bubbling with anger. How could she be frustrated when she had the world at her hands......the world resting on her hip? How I longed to be her this time next year. How I longed to be mailing out baby announcements in this moment and not a silly grant application. I studied her for the duration of my wait. Reality sunk in once more and I realized she is but a mother with a list of things to do and all of them rested on her little toddlers cooperation. She was just one  more person in this world with a life that must carry on.

Fate has a way of reminding us exactly where we are. It is not always kind but always truthful. I parked next to the expectant mother parking spot at the store. It was the spot Greg and I had joked about being ours in the months to come. I even thought of taking my picture next to it and that being our silly way of announcing to the world our miracle was on its way. I tucked my head down and carried on. I passed the foods that I had started to crave. I went down the isles that only a week ago I could not stand the smell. I saw the girl behind the bakery counter, the one who wrote on a small cake that we were expecting for me to share with my husband. I was in a minefield. I could not take one single step without something in my heart exploding. The list was shortened and I checked myself out. No eye contact was the best contact. 

In the safety of the four doors of my car I fell apart before I even started the car. I did not care who saw me. I did not care if people walking by heard the wails I let go. A cry of a woman who lost her little blueberry. I continued to cry on my short drive home and the sadness followed me through the rest of the day and into the night. A sadness that still lingers today but exhaustion keeps at bay. 

Infertility is something we are made to feel ashamed of. Miscarriage is something hushed and swept under the family carpet. There are books galore to tell you what to expect when you are expecting but less to guide you through the moments when what you were expecting is lost. It is a maze that at times seems like you can conquer only to wake up in the fetal position knowing today you will not get out of bed. No one tells you about the physical pain of losing your baby but even worse no one can prepare for the emotional pain that continues to last. One day at a time everyone tells me but do they know that some days are ok when others are crippling? When will the days pass of longing and  the tears stop flowing? How much time does it take to truly mend a broken heart?

There is not a book to navigate you through your personal struggle through grief and one's path through grief is not the same as your own. It can not be rushed or measured in hours or days. It is a journey only you yourself can embark on. As with all journeys there will be times of complete despair and one day you will encounter moments that will make the pain seem smaller. I wait for those moments. The moments that make me want to get out of bed and not force me out. I long for laughter and joy and to bask in the hope of tomorrow. I know all of this is yet to come but I must bravely go through what today has in store. It will be hard. It will be sad but it will be mine. It is my path through my loss that will be but one more trail that you will find on the map of my life. 

Skin and Bones

You were real........you were real. I felt you, I saw you and you were growing with every beat of my heart. You were my special secret not yet shared with the rest of the world and now I am left mourning you alone. You are still there but only for a matter of days that feel like an eternity. You will leave me soon and I can not wrap my arms around the grief for it is too large for this world. Fighting through the thickness of the day smothers me. I can not breath as I listen and watch the world around me move so quickly. I wonder if anyone else is grieving in this moment binding us through feelings yet never having met. 

The books meant to guide me through the next nine months must be put back on the shelf. The stories that would fill our lives will be set aside for another place and time in this life of mine. As the hours pass our future disappears with the physical pain piercing and emotional anguish lingering. I just want to go back just in that moment of time where tears of joy were shed in the wake of knowing new life was forming. 

I can not bring myself to have our once daily conversations between a mother and their growing child. No amount of begging will keep you and the family who I have told you about will never hold you. However, I will hold you. I will hold you in my heart as my body physically lets you go. I will dream of you every moment of everyday. You will be embedded in my soul for the rest of my life. I will silently celebrate you on Mother's Day and I will quietly remember you on the day you were to be born. 

A mama becomes a mama the day they know their baby is growing inside. The attachment is formed and that unexplainable bond is immediate. I never believed this when others tried to explain and for a moment I was privileged enough to understand this indescribable sense of foreign emotion. Emotions that will force me to heal physically and learn to cope emotionally. Time will lessen the pain but the wound will leave a scar that I will carry as only I can.

Thank you from the bottom of everything that I am. Thank you for the brief joy that was felt. Thank you for showing me the possibility of what can be. Thank you for being the joy of my life for a short moment in time. I promise you I will one day cry less and laugh more. I promise you that I will be worthy of the gift you gave me. I will hold onto your memory and I will let go of you being the beginning of the rest of my life. I will not give up and one day I will have my rainbow after the waves of grief subside and roll onto the shore less and less. 

For now I will cry. For now I will be angry. For now I will feel the emptiness that is left in the shell of myself. For now I will celebrate that for a mere moment in time I was a mother and you were my child. 

Track Marks

The bruises are there for all to see but for me they are so much more. It is the story of my life running up and down my arms. The bruises radiate this ghoulish color of blue, yellow and I can even see a hint of purple poking its way through. Daily draws are not for everyone and even some feel faint at the simple thought of a needle piercing the skin. For me and for so many others it is a normal stop at the start of any day. 

These tiny pokes that wreak havoc on the smooth skin has lead to so many answers when doors were slammed in our faces. The drive we felt in our hearts pushed us to look for answers when everyone else around us just gave up. Family and friends would whisper sweet nothings in our ears painting pictures of everything just being in our own heads. Relationships are abandoned and voices quieted as determination fills our days as pain takes away our peaceful nights. What would have happened if we listened and followed those voices from those who claim love instead of standing on our own and standing up for ourselves??? Let me tell you what would have happened to me..........

If I would have listened to those who told me to just relax and rest and everything will be ok I am not sure I would even be here today. My immune system would have attacked my body and killed of MY building blocks of life. The damage to my joints would have made movement almost impossible. I could have suffered from a massive heart attack and stroke due to hidden cardiovascular disease that would not have been treated in a twenty something. My kidneys would have suffered from irreversible damage that is now monitored constantly. My adult onset asthma would have been shrugged off and the swelling my chest walls would go through could have been a silent killer spreading to the lining of my heart. The weight I gained in a short period of time would still be judged today as me giving up on myself when in fact my immune system had completely shut down my metabolism. Life would surely look a little different today had I listened to the voices of yesterday.

Going against the grain of life is not easy. Heartbreak is inevitable and time does not heal all wounds. Bravery is a quest to ask the hard questions today that leave us longing for the answers of tomorrow. We wear our scars from procedures, disease will leave a map on our souls and those track marks running up and down my arms do not have time to heal before the next is laid out before me. This life is not for the squeamish but for those who seek out the longevity of the future. I may not see a cure or live the longest life I would like but I still hold hope in my heart. I will carry my Lupus and ask the hard questions today just in the simple hope that one person.......just one person, will not have to in the future. I may be just one but I am one who can make a ripple in this life that will be felt by those yet to come. 

You Heal Me

It is Saturday morning and I moving a bit slower than I would like. As I stretch out of bed I hear the creaks and cracks. Instead of pushing it to the point of no return I decide to settle back into the warmth of the morning. I crawl back under the warm covers. I snuggle into the spot that still lingers where I left it. As time passes I look out of my squinty morning eyes and see the day once more for what it truly is. A new day to live, to experience and to create memories that will last me through many more slowly moving mornings.

I find myself able to think in these moments. When I am forced to stay still and focus on everything else in life but the pain that radiates through parts of my body that I never knew existed. This morning was one of those mornings for me. I started "The List". A list of everything I would like to be doing today, right now in this exact moment. The adventures that waited for me outside of my front door called my name. I reached for the handle unable to grasp it. The weakness apparent to my body, heart and soul. Those adventures would have to wait for another time and place. One where I was stronger than I am right now. I rolled over in bed and snuggled in even deeper. I decided I would go on my very own adventure in my very own way. 

I opened my blog and and traveled once more around the world...........

Today my adventure starts in Belgium. I picked brussel sprouts in the fields because they really DO grow in Brussels!!!!! What better way to wash down brussel sprouts that a tour around the country and try the 800 different beers that are made? Everyone knows what goes best after a night of beer tasting.......waking up to tables of chocolate laid out in front of me. Maybe I should live here permanently! Wait, there are so many more adventure yet to come today. Off we go to our next stop.........

Germany is where one side of my family originates from and where I will find the town my married name originates from. To say it has history for me is an understatement! The first thing I will do in Germany is visit the over 700 zoological gardens, aquariums, animal preserves and safari parks. I am an animal lover so I have to stop off at the largest zoo in the world in Berlin, Zoologischer Garden! Whew, after all of the animal watching I am exhausted but hold on tight we are just getting started!

The beauty of Switzerland surrounds me. I am taken back by the towering mountains that surround me. I am in awe of their beauty and of course, THE SNOW! I am not one to ski but I can still appreciate the breathtaking beauty this time of year has to offer. I decide to spend the day on a toboggan run. Wait, I am just in time for the international sled dog race! That is not all.....I take a train to warm my insides before I step out and walk through Top of Europe Ice Magic. I think this is the perfect end to this amazing Winter adventure!

Onto France I go where I have decided to stay inside and enjoy what the warmness has to offer. I tour museum after museum! I see paintings I have only seen in art books. I look into the eyes of the past as it collides with the present. I walk along cobbled streets to taste everything I can find! I listen to the language exchange around me and fall in love with smooth sounds. I venture from the city to see castles and immerse myself in history. Finally I find myself in Corsica. I see once more where the sea touches the sand and my toes dance frantically through the waves. Simplicity has once more calmed my inner turmoil and I finally feel the reset of life. 

My final stop is my most profound. I feel the warm sun kiss my cheeks as I look up at the sun in Israel. I find myself on Biblical land that even I can not grasp. I hike to The Atari Ruins. I am walking in between stone walls that have been in place since the time of the Second Temple. I get lost throughout the Luzit Caves and my adventurous side decides to repel through this maze. I drive through the Judean Hills and get lost in the beauty. I see the shelf like structures built into the hillside where once more they are reviving ways of ancient agriculture. I watch the water beautifully channeled to different crops and wonder why this ever had to end. I wonder if this......my adventure my way ever has to end.......

Thank you. Thank all of you. You read my words and whisk me away to the deepest parts of the world that I never imagined I would touch. I travel everyday with each of you. I find myself in the hot desert, glorious mountains and experiencing the rich history all of you have to offer. Because of you I travel around the world. I may not be able to even get out of bed but my adventures never end. You fill me with hope and wonder and teach me everyday. I am forever grateful and truly feel blessed by the love that is shared through the words from one's heart and soul. You move me. You awaken my soul. You heal me.