My Wish For You

My dearest of friends.........

The pain can be seen on the surface but felt to your core. It shakes every nerve in your body awake. You move in and out of the dream you left behind and prepare for the road ahead. You begrudgingly pack your life up using a mental checklist. This is mine, this was mine, this never will be mine. Take a moment and bask in the sadness. Take it in and let it scratch your heart so the pain you feel is real. Slowly come out of the fog and plan.......plan for tomorrow leaving behind today. Today is almost gone and tomorrow.......tomorrow is the time to heal. 

Please do not call it a heartbreak.......name it for what it truly is........a heartache. Heartbreak leaves shards of brokenness in a path that scares away passage. Heartache hurts but it is mendable in time. It is something you come to and heal from only to continue on your journey. It stops you in your tracks and takes your breath away but by no means disables your growth, self discovery and future love. Today you are clouded by the past. It engulfs you everywhere you turn and you taste it in the air you breathe. Reminders of what may have been but will never be. You may be scratched but you are not scarred. You will heal through discovery.........discovering who you are with the new space that surrounds you. The new freedom of personal choice is upon you. Choose wisely.

I see you. In front of me stands beauty in its most basic form. Raw, naked ad exposed. Strength has fallen of  in layers and vulnerability stands for all the world to see. I see you. In the darkest moments I still see your light. It fills me with hope and joy. I know it is there even when you question it. I see you. I see a fighters soul and lovers heart. No one will cripple you with their choices and decisions they make. Their choices are not and will never be yours. You have a pure heart with mistakes written all over it. Those mistakes will allow your heart to grow even more than you think is possible. 

Everyday I will remind you of your beauty and worth. Something that has fallen to the waste side over the years. You will close your eyes knowing that this love was not meant to be forever just for right now. Something bigger, better and brighter waits for you on the other side. Take your time getting there. Slow down and feel the sun as it starts to warm your cheeks reminding you once more that you are alive. Smile towards the sun with your eyes closed and feel time move past your skin as the sun sets preparing you for tomorrow. Allow the light to guide you through the moments you find yourself lost in. Allow it to light the room so you can look in the mirror and see the woman, who in fact, is still standing.

You have been given a new building block to add to your foundation. It will help to stabilize the ground that has not stopped shaking yet. Soon it will slow to a lull and eventually the stillness and quiet will be a much needed rest for your weary heart and soul. You will be exhausted but not defeated. Remember you are not broken even though today you may ache.

Everyone comes into our lives with the ability to make an impact. We get to allow the amount of pain, sorrow or joy they leave us with. Take the laughter, love and memories and look toward the horizon because better days are now on their way. 

A Year

1 year.....12 months......365 days......8,760 hours.......525,600 minutes.......31,536,000 seconds......a single year can define a life, take a soul and start us on a journey that will last a lifetime. I have seen the sunrise, crawled through days of exhaustion and bore witness to a heart felt within now walking outside of myself. New beginnings were created, traditions rose from the ashes and time was the healer of everything painful. I have seen life. I have watched my life as an individual fade into the abyss of yesterday. Rebirth was felt and purpose restored. A new balance was created and normalcy has been changed forever. A journey has begun and I see the future so clearly bathed in the soft glow of love, truth and breathtaking beauty.

The giggles that fill the empty space within our home has restructured time. Personal space no longer exists. A new shadow is cast in the light of day. The tininess that has caused a ripple effect in life has encompassed my heart. Her tiny fingers that reach for my hand holds my entire world. As she moves through the house learning to roll, sit, crawl and now walk days melt into weeks and weeks into months. You blink and an entire year has ran past you taking away with it so many firsts and reminding you of so many more to come. 

New meaning comes to words such as patience, friendships, family and love. There seems to be so much more definition in everyday moments. The sun wakes you as it does everyday. The daily routine starts but by the end of the day something miraculous has happened. You record first words, foods and movements. An everyday moment changes your life and you celebrate as if it is the best day everyday. Everyday is a gift with so much more to give than the days that came before. 

This last year has shown me dark days and bright nights. I have found faith in everyday heroes. I have embarked on a new adventure in self discovery.  My heart has had to let go little bits at a time to allow for independence to flourish. What a joy everyday brings waking up and following the path of life with this beautiful tiny soul. This new season of life changes the landscape you walk upon. You want to tiptoe so silently hoping to not disturb the passing of time for it moves so quickly and left in its path are memories to last a lifetime.

Purpose and beauty is not something you chase after. Running from life does not make you brave......it makes you lost. Dig your heels in and open your heart. See the beauty in the grass you grow, the family you love and the joy of today.  Happiness is not something you find, it is already surrounding you you just have to look up from where you want to go and truly see just right where you are at.

You're Perfect

In a single moment the gravitational pull of your world shifts. The sun rises on the other side of the horizon. The moon sets only after it bows out of its final performance. Time did not exist before as you once thought. Moments of the past and people you once knew are such hazy memories you question if they ever even existed. At this moment there is only one thing you know for certain, life ended and was jolted awake once more with her single first momentous breath followed by the cry that echoed around your world announcing that she had arrived. 

It was not easy. There were moments of terror for everyone in the room. Beds were padded for seizure activity. Medications were administered in order to keep me safe as well as the life of the little one kicking inside. It is too early kept echoing through my head. I could not run from the reality of the situation. The doctors from the NICU came in to prepare us for what we would be embarking on in a matter of moments. Nurses tried to fill the empty space between passing time with excitement reminding us that we would be meeting our baby girl in a matter of moments........it was still too soon.

I could not keep her safe. I could not allow her to continue to grow within. Her special spot was making her sick. Her life force was being drained by a tired placenta. Mom was getting sicker not by the week but by the day. As protein built up the kidneys were not working. One life was not in danger, two lives were at risk. This was all explained in detail after forty eight hours of induction. It was time for our baby girl to truly come home. We were both better off separated physically only to be joined emotionally. Baby girl, it was a journey we went on together and one that we knew would have an end. We knew this was our path. We knew this was the end to this adventure that would direct us down the path to start another still together.

As the doctor moved quickly I remember him saying to us.......mom and dad are you ready to meet your daughter because here she comes. Wait, did he just call me mom?!?!?! In mere seconds that is exactly what I became. I became a mom. She entered my life in haze of movement and cries not only from her beautiful strong lungs but from a broken heart that finally understood why. Life made sense for the first time in thirty seven years. My desire to be a mom, I understood it. I was made for this little girl the moment I took my first breath just as she was made for me the moment she took hers.

In three hours my daughter Lillian Grace will be one week old. One week.......a week that has left me wondering how she did not exist beforehand. I do not remember a day without her or a night I did not close my eyes only to see her face in the darkness. I know her mouth that smiles as she sleeps. Her brow furrows as she tries to open her eyes. Her cry is not an angry cry but one that is just letting you know she is there so please do not forget. There is a gentleness to her tiny soul. A love that seems impossibly big due to her tiny size. She fights everyday in the NICU reminding us that she already defies what others expect of her. There are no limitations to what she can and will do........she is her mother's daughter. 

Let Us Imagine

Minutes turn to hours, hours bleed into one another to form days and days slip through my hands like tiny granules of sand. They move so quickly in sequence and yet I step away and watch them fall through the  hourglass of time. Each hour that melts into the day is one more that has been bestowed upon me. I have been given a gift and these last few moments we have together I feel the enormous weight of what is about to occur. I push the thought from my mind and once more focus on the hours and days slipping through our fingers buying us another moment in time where success is measured in stability and not constant change. 

Today I took the first steps toward the end of this journey. The preparation for her early arrival has begun. Tomorrow I take the last shot that will allow my daughter to take her first breath into her new existence without pain and struggle. Her brain will have less chance to bleed and her tiny tummy will be able to absorb the nutrients needed in order for her to come home to us. This tiny person who I have truly grown from the mere moment when she was just a thought, a wish, a dream......I truly have found my superpower. 

My angel will be a preemie. To tiny for bright lights. To tiny for a bottle. To tiny to be held. Larger than life with a heart so big it will be hard to contain within herself. Her path through life will begin and it may not start on the footing we had hoped to give to her but it will start on a path built with love by family, friends and community. I will stand next to her as she fights for her life and when she falls on difficult times I will fight for her.

I have started to reflect on this entire journey as it comes to an end. A journey that does not start with a map you can hold but a map imprinted on your heart. It lead me through meandering overgrown paths to water where my soul could drink. There could be no planning.....no forethought. It is a journey only you can feel yourself through. The darkness is lonely and terrifying but when the sun rises a warmth encompasses your entire being reminding you that within fear is love, hope and beauty. You are reminded that as hours bleed into one another and form days that there is a tomorrow. A tomorrow where you are blessed to once more try again. 

I can only imagine what it will feel like as I watch her take her first breath. I can only imagine what her tiny cry will sound like as it is already my favorite song. I can only imagine what the fear of today will feel like as it begins to live outside of myself. I can only imagine the true feeling of unconditional love that I thought I already knew. I can only imagine looking to the Heavens and receiving a gift passed down to me to safely keep until we are called home once more. I can only imagine.........I am ready for you Lillian Grace. It is ok to come early for you are already so loved that there is only one outcome for you and me.......life. 

Fear

My days are filled with isolation. The silence that surrounds me leaves to much room for contemplation. Scenario after scenario run through my thoughts. I want her here now. I want to see her so that I can see for myself she is perfect. I want my body to start to heal itself before it is too late. It was never if complications would arise but when. When is here......when is now. Time is precious and the battle within myself has begun. 

I see the fear cross his beautiful face as he silently thinks about his wife and daughter. Will we be alright......will we come home as a family of three???? He reminds me in his embrace and gentle touches as he talks to his daughter that without me there is no life. Without me there is no family. If given a choice I would be his choice. For me she comes above all. It is a silent battle we fight without allowing the words to escape our lips and truly pierce our reality. How did I ever become so loved and cherished......how is it that I deserve this perfect moment in time???? 

Most of the time I will not say it out loud. I do not want to be the weak one. I want to approach the finish line with grace and bravery. I want my daughter to see how much she is loved at every turn in the road and never doubt she was wanted. To say she was wanted is an understatement. We longed for her, begged and pleaded for her and fell to our knees proposing the undeliverable to whomever was listening. I am so afraid of loosing. I am so afraid that they could lose me. I said it.....I am blanketed in fear struggling to find an opening that will allow to breathe once more.

Together we have beat the odds. Together we have found bravery hidden within. She is a fighter just like her mama. We do not give up or give in. We pass every hurdle in order to celebrate tiny milestones that we have silently counted down too. At twenty-four weeks she became viable for life outside the womb and had a chance at life. At twenty-eight weeks her lungs developed even more and she may only need a little assistance to help her breath if she joined us now. Now at thirty weeks her little body regulates its own temperature and she is 3 pounds giving her even more strength to fight through every day. 

I long for her. I long for him to see her for the first time and realize his life has a new meaning with a purpose greater than himself.......greater than myself. She truly is beautiful and her face is the most angelic face I have ever seen. The doctors make sure I see her as much as possible to keep me motivated as the light at the end of the tunnel grows brighter with each passing day. Our team reminds me that it is now their job to carry the burden of fear and uncertainty. I have done all that I can and continue to fight against myself. As I grow weary she grows stronger for both of us. 

She will be here soon, sooner than any of us had anticipated. Today we are ten weeks away from her due date and we now know that ten weeks is impossible. We hold our breath praying for just seven more weeks but know that our sweet angel may be here in as little as five weeks. I have five more weeks of just her and I before I have to share her with the world. I no longer remember a time when she was not in existence. Maybe there was always a part of her inside of me just waiting knowing how our story would read. Knowing with every turn of the page memories would fill in the blank spaces. Spaces belonging only to us. 

We are almost there sweet girl. I pray for you to hang on tight as the road gets bumpy. Remember we are strong on our own but together the two of us are unstoppable. 

Our Bond

What you mean to me does not reach to the depths of pure expression. The gift that I have been given is unmeasurable and truly priceless. I feel you almost everyday now. Your little wiggles and kicks deep within. I see you little one and I truly feel the meaning behind true inner beauty because that is all I know of you. Your life force grows everyday and you and me, we are doing this together. A mother and daughter bond that is created through the daily battle of survival. I am you and you are me. Together, right now, we are each other's other half. There is no me without you and there is no you without me. 

The journey to you started even before I thought of having you. So many roadblocks kept me from realizing you and people tried to stop us from being together. I persevered and found within myself the desire to have you was stronger than any love I thought I knew. Your daddy walked into my life when I knew with certainty that life would not be complete here on earth if I did hear the laughter that time absorbs and stamps my heart with forever.

The fight was harder and defeat was so close I could reach out and touch it. I could not give up on myself and in retrospect it was you I could not give up on. I knew deep down you were on your way and one day you would find your way home to us. You see, your mama has been on some amazing adventures in her life and have been blessed to see places most will never see. Had I passed you by the most amazing adventure would have slipped through my hands like the desert sand. For you my love, you are the grandest adventure of all. The beauty in the path we have had to travel to find you is marked with courage, scars and grace......your namesake. You make our journey worthwhile. I would travel the same path once more knowing it would lead me to you.

Lillian Grace you are our life love song. 

I See Clearly

I lost my way. I cursed the heavens for the pain it rained down on me. Why was I being chosen to carry this burden on top of so many more? Why was I hurting when others would never touch the shores of this abandoned island? So many question with no answers......or so I thought. Every night I would muster the courage to call to call to someone I had abandoned in the darkest of hours. I called to someone who I thought had abandoned me. I groveled for strength and begged for hope. I wanted this pain to leave my heart and be replaced with courage to move forward one more day. I bargained, I argued and I accepted. 

After the final loss we would experience I shrugged my shoulders and threw up my hands. I realized in that moment I was not in control over anything. The doctors were not in control over something they promised all too easily. It was greater than myself and others surrounding me. All the stars could line up perfectly but if this was not your path interruption was lying in the road ahead. No stumbling and plotting a route around would allow you to continue. This was not your destiny and it would not be your future. 

In a world where we long to control every aspect of our lives moments creep in that shake you. The fog in your mind is cleared and the truth shines through. It happens so quickly that you may miss it if your heart is closed; however, it is there. Moments reminding us that we can walk a path but the direction was decided before us. People come into our lives to exit making room for those meant to say. Heartbreak heals the soul and allows the mind to see what truly is in front of us. The secrets of the world are not so secret after all. They are there for each of us to see and are not hidden in the darkness but glow under the light. 

One night I settled in and prayed for hope and to be guided in the direction I was meant to go. I asked for peace in knowing our family would not be started in a clinical setting. I longed for peace in the process of adoption. I mediated on my heart opening to the possibilities of the world and to not quit just yet. I asked for a miracle. Not a miracle for myself but one I could testify to. One that I could not ignore. One that would allow the fog in my mind to clear. Finally my heart was open. 

I am reminded of my miracle every moment of everyday. I let go and finally I could receive. Fear still tends to creep in at times. I am left wondering how this amazing blessing was chosen to bestowed upon me. I am just one girl in the world who had a desire to become a mom. I went to the end of the medical world to find my family only to be redirected. On that November morning that truly changed my life I sat in silence looking at the line that told me to turn around and look within to the find the happiness you have longed for. An adventure had begun before I even knew it but one I had always had faith in and was chosen for me from the beginning of my time. 

We will be having a beautiful baby girl this July. We will call out little one Lillian Grace. For it took grace every time I fell to slowly rise once more and brush the dirt off of myself and choose to carry forward one step at a time. I now find myself praying for guidance and wisdom so that Lilly will always carry faith deep within her heart. When the fog clears in her head I pray her heart will always be open. I pray she will see the truth and follow in the footsteps of so many who came before her but leave a mark in time that no one will be able to replicate.