Super Powers

My friends see me in an angelic way. A way that allows them to process me and everything that comes along with me in a positive manner. I am someone who has it together regardless of what life has handed me, accepts the pain and walks with my head up looking for the sun no matter how hard the rain may fall that day. Over time and after years of surrounding myself with these thoughts and looks of power sent directly to my soul through others you begin to think the same way. You are no longer human.......you have super powers and you may not be invincible but you are untouchable when it comes to negative discourse bumping into you on the path of life. 

As a child you are asked more times than not what super power would you like to have if you were blessed with one? Almost all of my friends wanted to fly, shoot lightening from their fingertips or even have the power to see into the future. Not me. I wanted the power to heal and to bring happiness into everyone's life that I danced in to. With child like wonder I imagined touching the ill and watching them dance into the sunset all better. I saw a see of smiles that emanated so much light that the sun would be ashamed to rise in the shadows of all of that joy. What they failed to mention is that super powers do not exist and life is still going to make you cry and kick you when you are down and there is not a touch in the world that can take away that pain.

I long for the touch to take the pain away. I wish the breeze felt by a passing hand was enough to heal time, my heart and my body. I look into the eyes surrounding me and see the hope they have for me but all I reflect is the questions of why. Tonight I gaze into the distance and try to recall the days when I did not feel pain every in every motion of the day. I look at strangers and I am envious of the freedom and fluidity their body gives them. Boy, what I would give for a pain free day to  do everything I took for granted over the course of my life before my disease. 

As I close my eyes tonight I am not the person my friends and family see. Tonight I am not the strong one everyone tells me I am. I feel beat down by the invisible disease that only I know I have and others can glance at me and forget. This is what will overtake me as the sun goes down but tomorrow will be different. Even with the pain I will wake up with my super powers again and what others see when they look at me will be reflected in the mirror as I see myself. Lupus you may have won this battle tonight but with your one win I will have 364 days to try again.