Gravity

Again we must meet. In the darkness of the night you emerge from the shadows of the corner where I had hoped to keep you for some time........maybe even forever. Yes, I know that is a rather lofty goal but what is life without the greatest hopes and wishes to lift us up when everything starts to drag you down. You are an addiction that never will be shook and in my lowest of low moments in my life I will rely on you and the strength you give me through medicinal purposes. I run from you, cry and swear to the heavens for making you come back into my world that was so silent and calm before you reentered. You allow me the moments of internal peace where my body struggles less against itself but with this wonderful gift given I am reminded it is no gift at all but a burden to be carried when the slightest breeze brings you to your knees in pain. Why must I need you , love you and despise you all in one swift moment of the heart?

The breath has been hard to take in. I can only imagine it feels as if you were drowning from the inside out. The lungs fill with fluid and slowly weigh you down. The breaths become swifter and harder and leave a lingering fullness and burning that radiates through your entire body. Moving from the bed to the bathroom has been a task that I have struggled with over the last week. I have to stop at a beautiful spot in the hall and admire the many shot glasses that Greg collects and displays. I focus on one specific colorful stein and breathe in and out until I finally can feel my toes grasp the carpet again, I now know I am ready and will make it to my final destination and with a small pause on the return trudge I stop once more admiring yet again his collection as if studying great paintings from centuries ago. All because my lungs are not functioning the way they need to in order to support the rest of my body and the oxygen it needs and is being deprived of as we speak. 

As I try to focus more on breathing over the days the cough is harder and harder to loosen and I finally see the one thing all Lupus patients suffering from lung infections dread.........the unmistakable blood that has traveled from the depths of your airways and surfaces in the whitest tissue. I double take because this can not be happening. Something is wrong and for the first time it is not the red bright blood of irritation but blood that has settled in the lungs itself and have been waiting for me to physical bring it up. I stare in shock, silence and then a cry. A cry I never wanted to ever have to hear myself make.........something is wrong internally because I am now coughing up blood. Blood that should not be there and does not belong in a healthy viable lung. The all embarrassing question rings in my head and breaks my heart........it is a question some of us will have to ask while battling a disease that wreaks havoc on our simple systems. Am I dying?

Two hospital visits, x-rays, ct scans and what is determined is that the tiny blood vessels in my lungs rupturing and causing the blood to sit comfortably in the lung, well, not so comfy for the lungs housed in my body. I am left frail, loss of breath and terrified to close my eyes due to the inability to breathe once the lights go down and my head reclines back. That is where we meet again.

Prednisone.........you terrify the life out of me but charm me in a way that nothing else on this planet could possible do. You allow me to feel burst of energy with clear lungs and help me focus on the brightness outside and actually being able to participate in the simple everyday tasks of life. You temporarily cure my sickness even if it is for just a short period of time. I am yours and you are mine. If that is not a sheep pulling the wool over someones eyes I do not know what is, Along with your wonderful helpfulness the  side effects do eventually outweigh the productiveness you allow me to have. 

You swoon me and court me and lead me to believe everything is wonderful and heavenly but over night things are different. Night sweats begin and you are forced to sleep with clothes on and off all through the night. The appetite is something that can never be satisfied and all the water I need to filter through my system, well, it just sits there and builds up and the ever recognizable moon face begins. Lets not forget that while you are starving every moment of the day you also feel as if you are going to be sick around every bump in the road. The affects it has on who I am emotionally is devastating for me. I feel at a loss for words and look into the mirror and know that those aggravated driven thoughts and feelings are related to the chemical dependency of the steroids. Yes, it too shall pass once the dose is complete but until then I live in a Yin and Yang world that even leaves me wondering who I am.