Life's lessons at times taught through the hard way. Through my battle with autoimmune disease I find inner strength in my life through the courage, hope and the natural discovery on what it truly means to be a survivor.
The pain can be seen on the surface but felt to your core. It shakes every nerve in your body awake. You move in and out of the dream you left behind and prepare for the road ahead. You begrudgingly pack your life up using a mental checklist. This is mine, this was mine, this never will be mine. Take a moment and bask in the sadness. Take it in and let it scratch your heart so the pain you feel is real. Slowly come out of the fog and plan.......plan for tomorrow leaving behind today. Today is almost gone and tomorrow.......tomorrow is the time to heal.
Please do not call it a heartbreak.......name it for what it truly is........a heartache. Heartbreak leaves shards of brokenness in a path that scares away passage. Heartache hurts but it is mendable in time. It is something you come to and heal from only to continue on your journey. It stops you in your tracks and takes your breath away but by no means disables your growth, self discovery and future love. Today you are clouded by the past. It engulfs you everywhere you turn and you taste it in the air you breathe. Reminders of what may have been but will never be. You may be scratched but you are not scarred. You will heal through discovery.........discovering who you are with the new space that surrounds you. The new freedom of personal choice is upon you. Choose wisely.
I see you. In front of me stands beauty in its most basic form. Raw, naked ad exposed. Strength has fallen of in layers and vulnerability stands for all the world to see. I see you. In the darkest moments I still see your light. It fills me with hope and joy. I know it is there even when you question it. I see you. I see a fighters soul and lovers heart. No one will cripple you with their choices and decisions they make. Their choices are not and will never be yours. You have a pure heart with mistakes written all over it. Those mistakes will allow your heart to grow even more than you think is possible.
Everyday I will remind you of your beauty and worth. Something that has fallen to the waste side over the years. You will close your eyes knowing that this love was not meant to be forever just for right now. Something bigger, better and brighter waits for you on the other side. Take your time getting there. Slow down and feel the sun as it starts to warm your cheeks reminding you once more that you are alive. Smile towards the sun with your eyes closed and feel time move past your skin as the sun sets preparing you for tomorrow. Allow the light to guide you through the moments you find yourself lost in. Allow it to light the room so you can look in the mirror and see the woman, who in fact, is still standing.
You have been given a new building block to add to your foundation. It will help to stabilize the ground that has not stopped shaking yet. Soon it will slow to a lull and eventually the stillness and quiet will be a much needed rest for your weary heart and soul. You will be exhausted but not defeated. Remember you are not broken even though today you may ache.
Everyone comes into our lives with the ability to make an impact. We get to allow the amount of pain, sorrow or joy they leave us with. Take the laughter, love and memories and look toward the horizon because better days are now on their way.
1 year.....12 months......365 days......8,760 hours.......525,600 minutes.......31,536,000 seconds......a single year can define a life, take a soul and start us on a journey that will last a lifetime. I have seen the sunrise, crawled through days of exhaustion and bore witness to a heart felt within now walking outside of myself. New beginnings were created, traditions rose from the ashes and time was the healer of everything painful. I have seen life. I have watched my life as an individual fade into the abyss of yesterday. Rebirth was felt and purpose restored. A new balance was created and normalcy has been changed forever. A journey has begun and I see the future so clearly bathed in the soft glow of love, truth and breathtaking beauty.
The giggles that fill the empty space within our home has restructured time. Personal space no longer exists. A new shadow is cast in the light of day. The tininess that has caused a ripple effect in life has encompassed my heart. Her tiny fingers that reach for my hand holds my entire world. As she moves through the house learning to roll, sit, crawl and now walk days melt into weeks and weeks into months. You blink and an entire year has ran past you taking away with it so many firsts and reminding you of so many more to come.
New meaning comes to words such as patience, friendships, family and love. There seems to be so much more definition in everyday moments. The sun wakes you as it does everyday. The daily routine starts but by the end of the day something miraculous has happened. You record first words, foods and movements. An everyday moment changes your life and you celebrate as if it is the best day everyday. Everyday is a gift with so much more to give than the days that came before.
This last year has shown me dark days and bright nights. I have found faith in everyday heroes. I have embarked on a new adventure in self discovery. My heart has had to let go little bits at a time to allow for independence to flourish. What a joy everyday brings waking up and following the path of life with this beautiful tiny soul. This new season of life changes the landscape you walk upon. You want to tiptoe so silently hoping to not disturb the passing of time for it moves so quickly and left in its path are memories to last a lifetime.
Purpose and beauty is not something you chase after. Running from life does not make you brave......it makes you lost. Dig your heels in and open your heart. See the beauty in the grass you grow, the family you love and the joy of today. Happiness is not something you find, it is already surrounding you you just have to look up from where you want to go and truly see just right where you are at.
In a single moment the gravitational pull of your world shifts. The sun rises on the other side of the horizon. The moon sets only after it bows out of its final performance. Time did not exist before as you once thought. Moments of the past and people you once knew are such hazy memories you question if they ever even existed. At this moment there is only one thing you know for certain, life ended and was jolted awake once more with her single first momentous breath followed by the cry that echoed around your world announcing that she had arrived.
It was not easy. There were moments of terror for everyone in the room. Beds were padded for seizure activity. Medications were administered in order to keep me safe as well as the life of the little one kicking inside. It is too early kept echoing through my head. I could not run from the reality of the situation. The doctors from the NICU came in to prepare us for what we would be embarking on in a matter of moments. Nurses tried to fill the empty space between passing time with excitement reminding us that we would be meeting our baby girl in a matter of moments........it was still too soon.
I could not keep her safe. I could not allow her to continue to grow within. Her special spot was making her sick. Her life force was being drained by a tired placenta. Mom was getting sicker not by the week but by the day. As protein built up the kidneys were not working. One life was not in danger, two lives were at risk. This was all explained in detail after forty eight hours of induction. It was time for our baby girl to truly come home. We were both better off separated physically only to be joined emotionally. Baby girl, it was a journey we went on together and one that we knew would have an end. We knew this was our path. We knew this was the end to this adventure that would direct us down the path to start another still together.
As the doctor moved quickly I remember him saying to us.......mom and dad are you ready to meet your daughter because here she comes. Wait, did he just call me mom?!?!?! In mere seconds that is exactly what I became. I became a mom. She entered my life in haze of movement and cries not only from her beautiful strong lungs but from a broken heart that finally understood why. Life made sense for the first time in thirty seven years. My desire to be a mom, I understood it. I was made for this little girl the moment I took my first breath just as she was made for me the moment she took hers.
In three hours my daughter Lillian Grace will be one week old. One week.......a week that has left me wondering how she did not exist beforehand. I do not remember a day without her or a night I did not close my eyes only to see her face in the darkness. I know her mouth that smiles as she sleeps. Her brow furrows as she tries to open her eyes. Her cry is not an angry cry but one that is just letting you know she is there so please do not forget. There is a gentleness to her tiny soul. A love that seems impossibly big due to her tiny size. She fights everyday in the NICU reminding us that she already defies what others expect of her. There are no limitations to what she can and will do........she is her mother's daughter.
Minutes turn to hours, hours bleed into one another to form days and days slip through my hands like tiny granules of sand. They move so quickly in sequence and yet I step away and watch them fall through the hourglass of time. Each hour that melts into the day is one more that has been bestowed upon me. I have been given a gift and these last few moments we have together I feel the enormous weight of what is about to occur. I push the thought from my mind and once more focus on the hours and days slipping through our fingers buying us another moment in time where success is measured in stability and not constant change.
Today I took the first steps toward the end of this journey. The preparation for her early arrival has begun. Tomorrow I take the last shot that will allow my daughter to take her first breath into her new existence without pain and struggle. Her brain will have less chance to bleed and her tiny tummy will be able to absorb the nutrients needed in order for her to come home to us. This tiny person who I have truly grown from the mere moment when she was just a thought, a wish, a dream......I truly have found my superpower.
My angel will be a preemie. To tiny for bright lights. To tiny for a bottle. To tiny to be held. Larger than life with a heart so big it will be hard to contain within herself. Her path through life will begin and it may not start on the footing we had hoped to give to her but it will start on a path built with love by family, friends and community. I will stand next to her as she fights for her life and when she falls on difficult times I will fight for her.
I have started to reflect on this entire journey as it comes to an end. A journey that does not start with a map you can hold but a map imprinted on your heart. It lead me through meandering overgrown paths to water where my soul could drink. There could be no planning.....no forethought. It is a journey only you can feel yourself through. The darkness is lonely and terrifying but when the sun rises a warmth encompasses your entire being reminding you that within fear is love, hope and beauty. You are reminded that as hours bleed into one another and form days that there is a tomorrow. A tomorrow where you are blessed to once more try again.
I can only imagine what it will feel like as I watch her take her first breath. I can only imagine what her tiny cry will sound like as it is already my favorite song. I can only imagine what the fear of today will feel like as it begins to live outside of myself. I can only imagine the true feeling of unconditional love that I thought I already knew. I can only imagine looking to the Heavens and receiving a gift passed down to me to safely keep until we are called home once more. I can only imagine.........I am ready for you Lillian Grace. It is ok to come early for you are already so loved that there is only one outcome for you and me.......life.
My days are filled with isolation. The silence that surrounds me leaves to much room for contemplation. Scenario after scenario run through my thoughts. I want her here now. I want to see her so that I can see for myself she is perfect. I want my body to start to heal itself before it is too late. It was never if complications would arise but when. When is here......when is now. Time is precious and the battle within myself has begun.
I see the fear cross his beautiful face as he silently thinks about his wife and daughter. Will we be alright......will we come home as a family of three???? He reminds me in his embrace and gentle touches as he talks to his daughter that without me there is no life. Without me there is no family. If given a choice I would be his choice. For me she comes above all. It is a silent battle we fight without allowing the words to escape our lips and truly pierce our reality. How did I ever become so loved and cherished......how is it that I deserve this perfect moment in time????
Most of the time I will not say it out loud. I do not want to be the weak one. I want to approach the finish line with grace and bravery. I want my daughter to see how much she is loved at every turn in the road and never doubt she was wanted. To say she was wanted is an understatement. We longed for her, begged and pleaded for her and fell to our knees proposing the undeliverable to whomever was listening. I am so afraid of loosing. I am so afraid that they could lose me. I said it.....I am blanketed in fear struggling to find an opening that will allow to breathe once more.
Together we have beat the odds. Together we have found bravery hidden within. She is a fighter just like her mama. We do not give up or give in. We pass every hurdle in order to celebrate tiny milestones that we have silently counted down too. At twenty-four weeks she became viable for life outside the womb and had a chance at life. At twenty-eight weeks her lungs developed even more and she may only need a little assistance to help her breath if she joined us now. Now at thirty weeks her little body regulates its own temperature and she is 3 pounds giving her even more strength to fight through every day.
I long for her. I long for him to see her for the first time and realize his life has a new meaning with a purpose greater than himself.......greater than myself. She truly is beautiful and her face is the most angelic face I have ever seen. The doctors make sure I see her as much as possible to keep me motivated as the light at the end of the tunnel grows brighter with each passing day. Our team reminds me that it is now their job to carry the burden of fear and uncertainty. I have done all that I can and continue to fight against myself. As I grow weary she grows stronger for both of us.
She will be here soon, sooner than any of us had anticipated. Today we are ten weeks away from her due date and we now know that ten weeks is impossible. We hold our breath praying for just seven more weeks but know that our sweet angel may be here in as little as five weeks. I have five more weeks of just her and I before I have to share her with the world. I no longer remember a time when she was not in existence. Maybe there was always a part of her inside of me just waiting knowing how our story would read. Knowing with every turn of the page memories would fill in the blank spaces. Spaces belonging only to us.
We are almost there sweet girl. I pray for you to hang on tight as the road gets bumpy. Remember we are strong on our own but together the two of us are unstoppable.
What you mean to me does not reach to the depths of pure expression. The gift that I have been given is unmeasurable and truly priceless. I feel you almost everyday now. Your little wiggles and kicks deep within. I see you little one and I truly feel the meaning behind true inner beauty because that is all I know of you. Your life force grows everyday and you and me, we are doing this together. A mother and daughter bond that is created through the daily battle of survival. I am you and you are me. Together, right now, we are each other's other half. There is no me without you and there is no you without me.
The journey to you started even before I thought of having you. So many roadblocks kept me from realizing you and people tried to stop us from being together. I persevered and found within myself the desire to have you was stronger than any love I thought I knew. Your daddy walked into my life when I knew with certainty that life would not be complete here on earth if I did hear the laughter that time absorbs and stamps my heart with forever.
The fight was harder and defeat was so close I could reach out and touch it. I could not give up on myself and in retrospect it was you I could not give up on. I knew deep down you were on your way and one day you would find your way home to us. You see, your mama has been on some amazing adventures in her life and have been blessed to see places most will never see. Had I passed you by the most amazing adventure would have slipped through my hands like the desert sand. For you my love, you are the grandest adventure of all. The beauty in the path we have had to travel to find you is marked with courage, scars and grace......your namesake. You make our journey worthwhile. I would travel the same path once more knowing it would lead me to you.
I lost my way. I cursed the heavens for the pain it rained down on me. Why was I being chosen to carry this burden on top of so many more? Why was I hurting when others would never touch the shores of this abandoned island? So many question with no answers......or so I thought. Every night I would muster the courage to call to call to someone I had abandoned in the darkest of hours. I called to someone who I thought had abandoned me. I groveled for strength and begged for hope. I wanted this pain to leave my heart and be replaced with courage to move forward one more day. I bargained, I argued and I accepted.
After the final loss we would experience I shrugged my shoulders and threw up my hands. I realized in that moment I was not in control over anything. The doctors were not in control over something they promised all too easily. It was greater than myself and others surrounding me. All the stars could line up perfectly but if this was not your path interruption was lying in the road ahead. No stumbling and plotting a route around would allow you to continue. This was not your destiny and it would not be your future.
In a world where we long to control every aspect of our lives moments creep in that shake you. The fog in your mind is cleared and the truth shines through. It happens so quickly that you may miss it if your heart is closed; however, it is there. Moments reminding us that we can walk a path but the direction was decided before us. People come into our lives to exit making room for those meant to say. Heartbreak heals the soul and allows the mind to see what truly is in front of us. The secrets of the world are not so secret after all. They are there for each of us to see and are not hidden in the darkness but glow under the light.
One night I settled in and prayed for hope and to be guided in the direction I was meant to go. I asked for peace in knowing our family would not be started in a clinical setting. I longed for peace in the process of adoption. I mediated on my heart opening to the possibilities of the world and to not quit just yet. I asked for a miracle. Not a miracle for myself but one I could testify to. One that I could not ignore. One that would allow the fog in my mind to clear. Finally my heart was open.
I am reminded of my miracle every moment of everyday. I let go and finally I could receive. Fear still tends to creep in at times. I am left wondering how this amazing blessing was chosen to bestowed upon me. I am just one girl in the world who had a desire to become a mom. I went to the end of the medical world to find my family only to be redirected. On that November morning that truly changed my life I sat in silence looking at the line that told me to turn around and look within to the find the happiness you have longed for. An adventure had begun before I even knew it but one I had always had faith in and was chosen for me from the beginning of my time.
We will be having a beautiful baby girl this July. We will call out little one Lillian Grace. For it took grace every time I fell to slowly rise once more and brush the dirt off of myself and choose to carry forward one step at a time. I now find myself praying for guidance and wisdom so that Lilly will always carry faith deep within her heart. When the fog clears in her head I pray her heart will always be open. I pray she will see the truth and follow in the footsteps of so many who came before her but leave a mark in time that no one will be able to replicate.
Hope in the face of uncertainty and belief in the hour of darkness is what separates joy from neverending sorrow. Knowing there is more than what is seen on the surface drives us to scratch until happiness emerges. We do not settle for what is now but continue to plan for the ever changing future. Moments overwhelm me where it is hard to decipher when I am on the path of hope or pure uninterrupted belief. We navigated the most foreign terrain this past year not knowing how to even survive hour by hour.....day by day. Through sorrow and loss I now know the difference between hope and true unwavering belief........today I believe.
No more treatments I said to the fertility nurse over the phone. After a year of the highest of highs followed by the lowest of lows I could not continue. Our family did not start in this type of pain and uncertainty and now we had to decide not to allow it to end. As I was reminded daily.....this is just a stop along the way. Our journey truly did not begin here nor would it end here. This is part of the plan. A plan I shook my head at and cursed at in the early hours of the day as night loosened its grip. It was time to dig deep, release my grip and hope.
As weeks turned into months my heart felt fuller than I had imagined it could after such deep pain. My life was devoted to littles who needed me not as a mother but as a friend, a voice for their quiet whispers. I found something larger than myself and jumped in feet first, eyes closed and nose pinched. I flailed a bit but found a way to swim in the murky waters. I realized my life vest was always there and was hanging on to me for dear life. I had to choose to swim so we could each take a deep breath. Jumping in with tears streaming down my cheeks, I emerged with laughter and the tears were no longer visible.
These days calmness washes over me. I can not put my finger on it but a true sense of peace wakes me every morning and whispers in my ear every night. It tells the story of hope that one holds on to until they can truly say they believe. It is not a fairy tail that starts well, meanders through fear and triumphs in the end. It is terrifying from the beginning and it is the heroine who decides when enough is enough. Only they can decide when the scary shadows are just a reflection of their own surroundings. It is a story of power yet uncertainty. It is starting the journey not knowing how it will end. It is embracing the bumps along the way and not wandering around them but facing them and making the difficult climb over the tallest of mountains.
I have climbed my mountain and now I am resting. Over the tallest mountain I climbed. Uncertainty ringing in my ear every step of the way. Having hope that this is part of my story, part of my plan. As I reached the summit I saw the sun rise and felt it warm my soul. In that moment I knew I just knew that this was my story, my plan.
I had no idea that the day I stomped my foot and declared no more treatment to my nurse would I be opening a door to something once thought impossible. Yesterday I hoped and today I feel every change. My tummy is starting to grow to accommodate the miracle wiggling inside. The days I am not sick are wonderful but the days I find myself in a marathon to the bathroom leave me exhausted but remind me that this is real. Little one is strong and making his or her mama very sick.
Yesterday I cried tears of sorrow as the reality of me being a mama faded but by the grace of God today I cry tears of joy for the miracle I am witnessing. I was right, my family would not be created amongst the sorrow of loss, not even in the hope of the future. My little one is growing on what can only be explained as true unwavering belief.
From our growing family to yours......Merry Christmas everyone!!! This season is filled with miracles and our family has had the joy of witnessing one first hand. Be thankful, be grateful and be kind. Believe in the magic that surrounds us all this time of year.
***We found out we were going to be blessed with our little Miracle Baby a few months ago. There were no doctors involved this time!!!! We have seen the little bug three times and saw the heartbeat the day after Thanksgiving. On December 9th we not only saw the little flicker but heard the strongest heartbeat!!!!! Our little miracle will be joining the world in July 2017.***
All have come that we expected. Ones who were announced before and now ones who were announced after. Their faces flood my life as days mark the tiny changes they go through. The joy of all that surround emanates through the eyes looking at them and the arms embracing them. New life has once more begun and the new adventure of what will be lingers on the thoughts of those loving them with open hearts. Time is now measured in moments before and after you. Moments that are at times hard to bear in the silence of my soul.
Everyday I wonder what you would have looked like. Would you have let out a large cry as the new world chilled you until the love of your parents could warm you? Would you have joined us early in great anticipation to start your journey? Would we be exhausted from nights of no sleep from looking at the tiny miracle born of a mere dream? All these questions surround me everyday and night brings the joy of dreams that are filled with you even though I have never looked into your eyes. So many unanswered question but one question has never been asked nor is it necessary. You would have been loved by the world in front of you. Seas would have parted when you dipped your tiny toes and birds would sing just to see you dance. Life would never have been the same......life has never been the same.
I believe you do dance. You dance everyday with your great grandmother as she teaches you to clog as she taught me. Soak up every ounce of her love because I long for it everyday. You sit on the lap of your grandfather who tells you silly stories about your daddy that even I did not get to hear. You hold so many secrets in your heart because I passed them on to you in the breif moment of time we were connected. A connection never to be realized here on earth but one that will be joined after the sun sets on its final day.
How is it that on the day you were to be born instead of holding you in our arms we are showing you another act of unselfish love by letting you go..........
Happy birthday my sweet child. Though I may have never held you in my arms I will forever hold you in my heart. Dance on every breeze that whispers to your heart. Chase the setting sun as it takes a much needed nap. Laugh in the rain and look at every rainbow as if it is your first for you have a view we each dream of everyday.
I love you to the moon and back, beyond the stars and deeper than even the Heavens can reach.
The pain is so unbearable. It goes beyond the physical aspect and reaches in and grabs your heart and freezes your soul. This pain is not new but something I have had to get used to. In my naive state of mind I just thought once was enough and what kind of world would let it happen again. Yet, here I am physically holding onto my unborn child waiting for the day I once again am forced to release it. Release it and let it go to where only beauty is seen, pain does not exist and love truly is all around. Here in the physical world I will be left to search for beauty amongst the color of grey, feel the pain of loss and pray that one day I will see beauty once more.
I wallow in grief every waking moment. Sleep is restless and in the haze between dreams and reality I forget where I am and what I am preparing for. As reality comes back the heaviness falls back on my trembling body. The weight is almost to heavy to bare and carry throughout the day. I find myself still and focusing on imperfections surrounding me allowing a moment of respite. A car drives by, I hear small talk pass and my concentration is broke and another step is forced.
There is no pleading this time. I have not begged my little Bean to stay for even a moment longer than need be. Those pleas and cries fall on deaf ears and I am the only one who hears them. The please are replaced with anger and shouting to the skies above. Why does this keep happening? What have I done so wrong in this life that this constant pain is my eternal punishment? Why is it so easy for others and yet so difficult for me? Why I ask over and over until I loose the strength to cry out once more.
I want to smell the top of my babies sweet head after a bath. I want to count ten little fingers and ten little toes. I want to hear the word mommy. Yet again, the simplest request so many take for granted has been taken away once more. Joy celebrated has turned to unending grief and so many questions will always remain unanswered. I count down the days until the pain is numb and life is carried on through wrote memory allowing a much needed emotional rest until I am ready to face life once more.
I am part of a larger plan. A plan that involves growth through pure joy and unbearable pain. I walk this path with others but at times know I will feel so alone. I do not understand the plan in this moment; however, I do know there is something greater for me on the horizon. I have faith that all will be right within my world and one day I will look back and have my aha moment. All the pain and loss will have carried me to a moment greater than I thought possible. Joy I have never experienced will make the brokenness of today prepare me for the life of tomorrow.
Until then I will be angry and I will not apologize for my thoughts of hate and resentment. I will heal the only way I know how......one minute at a time until it becomes one day at a time. Eventually weeks will pass and the pain will lesson but the memory will never leave. Today I have you still here with me and tomorrow you will join my other angel and guide me through the rest of my life until one day I will see your face. I will stop and I will smell your sweet head. I will count your ten fingers and your ten toes. Then the words I have prayed to hear my entire life will finally be heard......I will hear you call me mommy.
I could drive the route with my eyes closed. I know the map like the back of my hand. The doors swing open but catch as they close. I pause catching it as though it is the door I walk through every day without hesitation. The faces I see are ones that I have seen more of than those of my own family. They have stepped in and have become my family. Memorized are their eyes, their voices and their beautiful smiles full of hope. Tonight as I sit and think back on this journey I can not believe those eyes, those voices and those smiling faces will slowly fade out of my life. A life that has been built around the idea of family. A family they have tried so desperately to help us create. A journey with ups and downs that all lead to this one final moment in time.
The time to be afraid has passed. Tears can no longer fall at the thought of what has once been lost. I will close my eyes and look up to the beaming sun and feel the rays as they embrace me in a hug that could only have been sent by God. Telling me that I may not know or understand my path or journey but He does. I hear Him whisper into my ear. Trust me, I shall never let you fall and not be there to pick you back up. Go forth with faith and believe in you and believe in the world that is greater than all of us.
Tomorrow morning at exactly 11:30 am I will walk into the procedure room one last time. Booties will be the fashionable foot attire. We will all be modeling the same caps and gowns. As I hop onto the gurney the room will dim as things start to move and rustle in areas we can not see. I will settle in and for the first time I will see my last little embryo who has been patiently waiting on us to just make it back to him. My last chance at becoming a mama will be seen through the lens of a microscope. I grab tightly onto Greg's hand because this is not just the moment I become a mama but it is also the moment when Greg will become a dad. Together in this moment we become something greater that ourselves.....we become parents. A bond no one will ever be able to take away. In a magical moment that takes mere seconds life will be transferred and brilliantly I will find myself a little over three weeks pregnant.
Tonight I have done everything I could possibly do within my tiny human powers that I have. Tests have been ran, levels have been monitored and all is set for the biggest moment of my life. I have walked this path twice before but somehow the ground beneath my feet feels fresh and new. Full of anticipation and hope. I wish I had the ability to memorize every moment because it something I never want to forget. I will never be here again and I never want to forget where it all started.
As we bid farewell to our amazingly brilliant team of the most compassionate individuals I will ever meet the clock will not stop for even a moment. As we watch the seconds, minutes and hours pass by I will find myself snuggled into my bed for a much needed rest. The hardest part of this journey is only starting. Waiting is deafening and the future is terrifying but yet I somehow find a way to see the possibility of joy.
A Christmas wreath has been placed on the table next to my bed. Reminding me of one of my favorite things. Movies have been collected and shows are recorded. Magazines have been piling up and a book that has been calling my name for weeks is finally going to be cracked open. Day's will turn into a week of bed rest and slowly the world will knock at the door begging me to once more step outside, feel the sun and see the beauty. I will hide under my covers for as long as I can. I will feel the outside tugging at my toes a little more each day. Slowly it will pull the covers back. I will no longer be able to hide and escape. I will be woken up by the sun calling me out to play just in time to learn the fate of our future.
I honestly do not know if this last round will work but I have to believe it will. I believe in things everyday that I can not touch or see. Why would I not allow myself to believe once more even after the toughest moments we have experienced????? It is simply impossible.. I believe in laughter. I believe in love. I believe in miracles. I believe.....I believe.....I believe.....I believe.......
As the wheels touched down the pull of gravity threw me back into the reality I was able to leave behind. The hugs and kisses of my two favorite tiny humans are now thousands of miles away. It will not be long until I can no longer hear their voices calling my name when I close me eyes. Vacation swept me away and up in its magical grasp. The sun kissed my cheeks. The ocean was our playground and I watched my little red head learn to body board with me riding in right next to her. The house was filled with laughter, joy and most importantly.........love.
When you begin something as extraordinary as IVF and failure after failure is felt you forget what it is you are actually working towards. You loose yourself in the process. The medication alters your mind, body and soul. At times I forget what it is I enjoy in this life. Moments of isolation rip you from the grasp of what life is and the beauty it has to offer. I forget me.
This past week I was reminded of who I am right now. I am loved tremendously and supported unconditionally. Someone is crying as I shed tears and rejoicing in the positive milestones we are blessed to experience. I was reminded that I am not alone. Miles may divide but time and distance does not fade the love felt between family. My most important jobs in this life of mine carry titles such as wife, daughter, sister and auntie. My imperfections are beautiful and my weaknesses are their strengths. We are woven together into this intricate pattern that is impossible to replicate. It is our mark on each others lives and hearts that guide us to our final destinations and to the many stops along the way.
Over the next three weeks my life will drastically change. There will be a shift and I will have to adjust my sails accordingly. I must stay at the helm and face whatever storm sits on the horizon and silently pray that at the end of the storm a rainbow will appear. I can not show fear or hesitation. Faith in something larger than myself is a must and courage will guide me. Life is an adventure that is filled with many colorful characters and stories to carry you through. Breathe deep and take in this moment along with all others to follow. You are creating the map of your life and one day not too long from now this map will be your past guiding others to their future. Hold steady, stay focused and enjoy the trip along the way.
"......I am not afraid of storms, for I am learning how to sail my ship." Louisa Mat Alcott
I shared the exciting news of our new adventure when we began this journey. I walked out of the doctors office celebrating because we were going to be an easier case. All signs pointed to success and less thought was thrown into the failure ring. My numbers were amazing for my age and my egg quality and quantity was above average. For once my crazy body was cooperating and the doctor told me we may have found an organ system that had not been affected by my Lupus. Cheers all around and once more, this was going to be successful and we were a case that all expected would result in a delivered baby nine months or so down the road. Nine months or so down the road, four beautiful day six blastocysts, one unsuccessful transfer, one devastating miscarriage with two embryos and one waiting in the freezer for late summer.......nine months later nothing is as it was supposed to be. Nine months later I realized IVF is not a sprint but a marathon. A longer marathon than anyone will ever have to run with their two feet I have ran with my own heart.
Everyone tells me that it will all be worth it. Most who make those comments to me have no idea what is endured through this process. Those who have went through IVF hold your hand....hold your heart with no words exchanged because they know all to well what is in store for you and the pain that will come on this journey through hope.
It started with testing, awkward positions and weekly dates with "Wanda" the internal ultrasound wand. The phlebotomist becomes your best friend and your clinic is on speed dial taking the place of your friends and family. As your numbers are monitored and hormone shifts are detected the work truly begins. Injectables were started and lets just stop there for a moment. When we say injectables we mean multiple shots in your belly every single night! The mixing of the mediation alone takes over thirty minutes and each shot is given right on top of the other. Every night you switch sides but eventually bruises form and towards the end of your stimulation phase your skin is a road map of veins, black and blue marks and welts marking where last nights injection were and where tonight's will still have to go. Every night it MUST be at the same time. No stopping off at the grocery store, no dinner out and stopping for drinks with your friends, forget that for the long hull. To say those moments alone are life altering is an understatement.
During the stimulation period basically what you are doing is tricking your ovaries to grow as many eggs as they possibly can in a safe manner to be surgically removed in the hopes that you will have some mature for transfer. A normal cycle most of us go through outside of IVF result in a singular egg developing and being released. This allows others to conceive during this period. IVF patients want as many as they can get within a two week period. I stimulated for ten days. That is ten days of three shots in your belly along with oral medication down the chute. Ten days of timers going off and dance parties during the mixing of meds. Ten days of so many hormones changing every thought and feeling you have from minute to minute. I truly feel it is a tight rope walk with one side being normal and the other insanity. I just prayed everyday that no one would cross my path if I spent a little time on the insanity side.
After my ten days going through hell I was wheeled into surgery with a respiratory infection and small fever. I was trying to hide my cough for the anesthesiologist. I knew if he heard me I would not be taking my much needed nap, instead I would be awake for the procedure. Through begging and pleading we agreed that he would monitor my breathing and the first issue he saw I would be brought back and would have to endure the procedure awake. Thank goodness my lungs cooperated because for the first time in weeks I had a peaceful sleep!!!!!
During retrieval they insert a small needle into your ovaries. The doctor is guided by an ultrasound into each follicle they see and extract the egg that could be possibly inside. Each ovary is drained and the eggs are given to the embryologist. While they are finishing up with me the embryologist takes the sperm and inserts a single one into each egg. This is referred to as ICSI, Intra-Cytoplasmic Sperm Injection. This allows a guarantee of fertilization for each egg but after that they have to choose to grow. It just gives it a bit of a boost in the whole process. For us we had 15 eggs retrieved (my doctors goal for every patient), 10 of those eggs were mature and eight were fertilized. Out of our eight we were told to expect half and that is exactly what happened. We had four day six blastocysts that we froze as soon as they were approved by the embryologist. We were told they were beautiful!!!!!
I want to take a moment and let you know that if you choose to go through genetic testing that will occur before the final embryos are frozen. What that does is allow the embryologist to see if there are any chromosomal issues that would make it impossible for it to implant or grow much past the first few weeks of implantation. We chose not to have it done. That is a decision I honestly regret after going through everything we have had to endure. The reason we chose not to was very personal to me. I felt that I was pushing the scientific envelope and wanted to leave something up to chance. We had no indication that we would have any issues because of the testing prior. However, more than likely our miscarriage was due to the fact that our little blueberry was never going to be healthy enough to be our bring home baby. If I could have prevented the trauma I went through loosing my baby I would have given my arm for it. If anyone now asks me if they should test their embryos.......you bet!!!!! We have even discussed testing our remaining one but the thaw freeze thaw process needed would be more harmful and it may not survive the process to even make it to transfer. I have to put my faith in something larger than myself and believe that one good one out of four is possible.
Our clinic believes after such an event as stimulation your poor body and soul need a moment to breathe and reset. They only do FET, Frozen Embryo Transfer. Some studies even show that FETs have more success rates than fresh transfers but I am not sure about that. I know families who hold a baby in their arms from fresh transfers as well as frozen. We immediately started another round of oral hormones to start the preparation for our first transfer. Thank goodness no needles were used during this time but no one prepares you for the reactions you will have on the hormones. I thought the injections were emotionally draining, this takes the prize!!!!! I picture my husband lovingly looking at me and thinking back to that beautiful day on the beach and dreaming of the moment he said I do........now he looks at his crazed hormonal wife and says I did????? It makes me laugh in the face of tears. These men who go on this journey with us are something special. There is not a single person I have been involved with over my life that could have EVER endured what we have. It will make or it will break you both.
As you prepare you once again see the phlebotomist every other day. During this time my veins collapsed and long sleeves were the only thing able to hide my bruises that ran up and down my arms. Eventually we moved to the hand and I even told them once to go into my foot. As the results come in every other day your medications are reworked to match the levels you are at and to map the way to the levels you will need. My alarm was set for every eight hours with one ring tone for one medication and then another ring tone once more every twelve hours for the other. All day, everyday. Remember how I said those after hour drinks with friends needed to be left behind???? The hardest part is that for one of the medications you must lay flat for at least thirty minutes after each dose and in the end that medication is the every eight hour alarm ringing in my head. It is gross and miserable but it is necessary.
Finally transfer day is here and things are a bit different the days leading up to it. You are started on a dose of high steroids that will force your bodies immune system to shut down so it does not treat the embryo as a foreign object and rid itself of it. This is a tricky move for someone with an autoimmune disease. My immune system thinks EVERYTHING is bad and takes itself out on every organ you can think of. Making sure your body is in a happy state at this time is crucial not only for baby going in but for mama dealing with Lupus. You are also started on a strong dose of antibiotics for any type of infection that could ever occur with any procedure. My favorite, the happy pills!!!! For the first time in months you are given a Valium for relaxation and to me there are no amount of hormones that can make you feel bad when on Valium!!!! I actually think we should be allowed a dose a day during IVF!!!! Maybe one for the husband too.
Let me tell you that the time leading up to transfer is so intense. You are putting your body through so much as a woman. The amount of hormones and scans are astronomical and no one unless going through IVF will ever understand what you have to commit to and for the length of time you are committed. The transfer itself truly only takes seconds. You put yourself once more in that all knowing uncomfy position us women must go through. They rinse you out internally with a hose. Yes, a hose in the operating room!!!!!! The catheter is inserted and the ultrasound guides placement. You have an extremely full bladder at this point so of course I joke with my doctor to go light on the ultrasound or I may pee on him!!!!! Then it happens.......you see a picture of your embryo and before you know it you have an ultrasound picture of your little baby that was placed inside mere moments before. For the first time in your entire life you are pregnant until proven otherwise. Into recovery you go and I am inverted for one hour praying that I can hold my bladder that long.
Finally I am home and bed rest is ordered for the next few days with light activity until the day of our BETA test. Most women think of this time as the TWW, Two Week Wait. We know exactly when conception takes place therefore we only have a little over a week to wait. However, that shorter period of time is dreadful and every moment is emotionally charged. Time moves slowly and every twinge, nauseous moment and hormone headache that is felt leaves your mind to wonder if you are pregnant or is it just the medication.
To me the following three weeks after transfer is the hardest. Our first transfer did not take. There was no implantation, no pregnancy hormone secreted, nothing. We do not know why we just know it did not work. That was tough. You do everything in your power for months for this to work. You have been to Hell and back physically and emotionally. However, there was never a pregnancy to mourn or a loss truly felt. You cry for a day and call the doctor back and schedule your next try. Hopefully this one will result in your dream coming true of being a mama.
Another month of crazy medication, blood work and scans leads up to transfer day number two. Same everything as the last time. My only change was acupuncture and readjusting my thyroid medication. In the operating room there are seconds of darkness resulting in the glow on the ultrasound screen and another new pictures of the two beautiful embryos transferred this time. Home to bed rest and the wait began once more.
This time there was joy!!!!!! Nine days later my doctor called me at 5:45 pm with the news that we were in fact pregnant. For the first time in thirty six years I was growing a tiny human. I was overjoyed and could not believe that we in fact made it through this crazy journey with a positive outcome. I continued going in every other day for HCG levels. For IVF patients and some normal pregnancy patients the doctors need to see your HCG levels at least double every twenty four hours. Once your numbers show a steady increase for a week your BETA week has ended and the first ultrasound is scheduled. I settled into the idea that I was pregnant and those things that made me gag every time I smelled them would be around for a bit. I had to continue to rest everyday and was given the go ahead for light activity once more. None of this mattered because I was going to be a mama!!!!!!
At six weeks we went in for our first ultrasound and saw our Blueberry!!!! It was there but the doctor was concerned. Blueberry was six weeks along but was only measuring about half way through the fifth week. This is not normally too alarming but it was something we still had to follow up with. Another blood draw. This time the numbers came back perfectly where they expected them to be with how far along I was but we needed a comparison. The next morning I fought traffic to once again have my HCG levels tested. This time when the doctor called the news was not good. Our numbers started to slowly drop over the twenty four hour window. He told me we were loosing our baby and that I would miscarry. This was on Valentine's Day of this year.
I made a hard choice within those first few days and decided I would miscarry naturally. I wanted to give my body a chance to do what is normal in this situation. That choice lead me down a very lengthy path. I did not physically loose my baby until two full weeks after we found out it was dying. It took my body another four weeks to stop producing the pregnancy hormone. I was fully pregnant for about seven weeks and it took me the same amount of time to complete the miscarriage. The miscarriage for me was so traumatic. I have never felt my heart break the way it did when I no longer could talk to my growing baby. My daily conversations stopped. I could not sleep in the dark for over a month and leaving the house was impossible. In the beginning I could not chance the physical part of the miscarriage starting somewhere other than my home. This was my safe place and that is the only place I could be. Movies and shows I watched while I was pregnant I could not watch for sometime afterwards. The fear of enduring another loss keeps me up some nights and leaves me panicked during the times I am awake. I remind myself that with great sacrifice one can experience great reward. I am still waiting for my reward. I will continue to sacrifice until I have nothing left to give.
A miscarriage is something no one should ever have to experience. I feel those who go through IVF struggle especially hard because it was not something left up to fate as you try for a family. It is something you have physically created by altering everything normal about your life for months on end. You do not just wake up one morning and take a test and are shocked it is positive. It is something you fight for every moment of everyday. When you loose your IVF baby you can not just wait and try again. First you must have embryos left to try with. You have to start the medication over again and hope that against all odds that you will experience pregnancy and motherhood through this great loss and heartache. We are thankful because we have one left but only one. That is all we will ever have. If this transfer does not work we will not have biological children.
The worst thing anyone and yet everyone feels compelled to say to me is that maybe you will step away from the stress and miraculously fall pregnant. I hear things like if it is God's will it will happen. People tell me all the time that no matter what you will be a mom in one way or another. The worst is when people tell you that miscarriages happen and you can just try again when you heal. None of these comments should ever be expressed to someone going through IVF. No, we will not miraculously fall pregnant. There is a reason we had to go through IVF and it is not because we can naturally get pregnant. God does have a plan but when you are in the throws of a loss and know you have only one chance remaining that plan is confusing and heartbreaking. After healing we do not get to just try again. I have to go through months of more medication and once more carry the fear of this last one not working and our family having to take another path. Yes, there is adoption and I love the idea but I do not love the idea right now. Once that is our only choice that will be THE choice. For now I can not let me heart or my soul go there. I still have hope that this last little one is my engine that could......I think it can, I think it can, I think WE can!!!!!!
After the miscarriage my body decided it was ready a lot sooner than we anticipated. Within days of my last blood test being negative for HCG we started the process all over again. I cried the first night I started birth control. I yelled during hormone imbalances on estrogen. I stopped eating for days because the progesterone makes me feel as though something as simple as swallowing water will make you vomit. For over sixty days I prepared my body for our last little embryo. The date was set for May 16th and we were ready. I was praying that my body would remember what it was like being pregnant and maybe, just maybe this little one would snuggle in and stay a bit longer than his or her brother or sister did.
Twenty hours before our transfer I just felt something was wrong. I was in the kitchen preparing food for the week ahead while on bed rest. The husband still has to eat even if I could not stomach it! I thought I was just having a bad reaction to the medication but realized my medications had not changed and this issue was not something I had experienced before. I called the doctor and they told me to hop into Urgent Care and see if I had a Urinary Tract Infection. We really believed that was not the case but we had to dot our I's and cross our T's just in case. I deal with chronic pain every day. I deal with kidney issues as well. I have to have my urine tested and cultured every month for the rest of my life. I have been there and done that numerous times! I was shocked when in fact I was in the middle of a pretty yucky urinary tract infection. Within moments of me giving my sample the news was delivered to me and my clinic. Five minutes later I was informed that our transfer was canceled. All of that work and sacrifice only to start over once more. I was devastated to say the least and was so upset that my blood pressure had to be brought down with emergency medication. THAT is how devastating a blow like this is to an IVF patient. Today I am still recovering from that moment. I try to remind myself that it just was not the right time but even me telling myself that fires me up!!!!!
Last week I started back on the dreaded birth control as well as everything else I have to drop down the chute in preparation to try once again. We were given a date of June 14th for our next and final transfer. This would allow me to not be on all these hormones for another sixty days BUT this would interfere with our family vacation. A week on an island off the coast of North Carolina was calling our name. My entire family would meet there for a week and roam the beaches with two little munchkins in tow. How could I not go???? We sat down and had a heart to heart and decided it would be best if we waited until sometime in July. We need this vacation. We need a break from this continuous battle that will have taken an entire year by the time we are finished to even get pregnant if we are blessed in such a manner. Our embryo is as snug as a bug in a rug nestled quietly in the freezer. It isn't going anywhere but me, I have somewhere to be! Off to the beach we will go followed by an additional few day in historic Wilmington. It is the much needed breathing room our hearts and souls need. Yes, I will be in the middle of the dreaded hormones but at least I can run free and as fast as I want along the beach.
IVF is isolating and extremely lonely. Most you meet will never have to endure something as drastic and life changing as this process. That des not help those of us in the throws of it. It is a quiet community we live amongst. Every once in a while someone steps forward and takes your hand and leads you down this less traveled path with knowledge from their own experience. I am so thankful that I spoke out in the beginning and have had a few walk into my heart and hold it while it breaks. It is not easy and it is not for those weak in the heart. You must be able to take the joy and the sorrow and learn to continue to live every day. You have to learn to be present and happy for those who are expecting during your journey. Jealousy will show its ugly head and your heart will break more times than you thought was even possible. It is ok to step away from life and friendships so that you can heal internally. Those who love you will embrace you during this time and will wait for you until the days are no longer cloudy and rays of hope shine bright.
I fight every day to continue on this journey. Every morning I wake up and as I start the ingestion of medication I cry outwardly that I can not do this for another moment. Somehow, by the grace of God, I find myself at the end of everyday telling myself that tomorrow I will try again.
I do not know how our journey will end. I do not know if this time next year I will be holding my own baby. One thing I do know is that I am going to experience becoming an Auntie once more!!!!!! Baby girl Riley will be arriving in the next few months and I could not be more proud of my baby sister. My bestie is welcoming her third as a giant surprise. She did not hide from me but fought back tears as she told me she was expecting during our failed first attempt. She held my hand and cried for me and I looked at her and saw nothing but love. Her honesty and welcoming of my own tears reminded me of why she is one of the loves of my life. Another joy has found its way into my life. An amazing friend is on a beautiful journey as a single mama and has welcomed me into her family of two. Princess Poppy and I have special snuggle time that heals my soul. Through my heartache and loss she embraced me and gave me what I needed in that moment, a sense of family right here with me now.
This journey is hard. This journey is not for everyone. This journey is mine and I have a story to tell. A story that is full of hope and courage. A story that just maybe someone needs to hear so that for once during their own journey they do not feel so alone. My story is dance parties during injections, feeling defeated when the world is to much to carry alone and hope that still stems from loss. It is a story that ricochets in our tiny IVF community as a story told by so many. It is not a story of tall tales but a story told by those of us who survive through this every day just to wake up once more tomorrow to try again.
And then Jesus looked across the Earth and said, "That's the one.....She's the one I choose. She can do it."
They know me more than I know myself at times. They are the shadow that are always there but may not be seen on sunless days. I long for them in the dark and can clearly see their faces in the light. We hold each other's secrets, hopes and dreams. I could not imagine a life without them and I would not be who I am if they never existed. I have permanent best friends, fighting partners and true soul mates. I have my sisters.
To say the last few weeks have been a difficult journey is an understatement. I have begun the preparation for our last little embryo transfer. It is a tough road to walk and at times it is the loneliest of roads. Day after day your are engulfed in a wave of hormones. Between doses there is not a moment to catch your breath. The person you see in the mirror is not who you feel like inside. You become a stranger to yourself and rely on those around you to remind you that in fact you still exist outside of all of this craziness.
I exist outside of this journey. I am not just going through IVF. I am me. I am silly and snort when I laugh really hard! If you ask me to do an accent, well, it will always be Jamaican. I talk about bodily functions way to much. I am a child advocate who gives littles a voice that can be heard over all those loud grownups.....including myself. I have a green thumb and can garden with the best of them. I have an adventurous soul. I creep around icy corners on shelf roads. I love tremendously and I leave a mark on others lives that can not just be erased. I come from a flyover state that rolls in corn fields and something is terribly wrong if you do not wave to a stranger. Maybe that is why I have never met a stranger. I am constant, steady and pure. I am me.
Sometimes it is hard to see me in where I am at right now. I am engulfed in this battle to become a mama and yes, for those of us going through IVF it is a never ending battle. However, there is a beautiful light that finds me when I need it the most. I see the little baby deer spotted cheeks in pictures of my Lauren. Mia is dancing....tap dancing....just like her auntie!!!!! In a few months I will hold my new niece and I am counting down the days until she is here with us. Are we even capable of producing boys in our family?!?!?!?!?
My life may change in the upcoming weeks and it may not. Through tears of joy or through tears of sadness I will see the ones who have always been here. The laughs of the little ones in my life will wake me up once more and bring me back to life. The silliness will find its way back into my days. I will be reminded how much I am loved by the faces that look a bit like mine. In good times and in bad they are constant and I cling to them in this sea of uncertainty in life.
My sisters, they are bits and pieces of myself. They are the keepers of what matters most and are the first to remind me that I will never be lost, alone or on this journey without a hand to grab in the darkest of moments. For I am a part of my sisters and my sisters will always be a part of me. That alone in this world is enough to complete any heart.
It was dark that night. So dark that not even a star in the sky shined bright enough to break the thick blanket that loomed over us. I had wandered a bit from camp and found myself not knowing where I was. Once I realized that nothing felt familiar and everything felt so foreign the air in my lungs thickened. My heartbeat quickened, my head started to spin and for a moment I felt as though I was drowning in my own sense of fear. I started yelling softly at first. No reply was heard. I yelled once more a bit louder and the only answer I received was the echo off of the canyon walls below. I yelled once more with all my might and faintly I was called. I followed the voice until finally over a little embankment I saw the far off glow of the burning fire. My heartbeat slowed, I found my bearings once more and in that instant I could breath with the ease of repetition my body had always known. I had been lost but now I was found.
There are moments we go through in life where the feeling of being lost is inevitable and the panic sets in once more. Nothing around us looks familiar and inside we are filled with doubt and a sense of loneliness. You cry out hoping someone calls back but all you hear is the echo of your cries from deep within. The most terrifying moments are not the ones when you realize you're lost to others around you. The most terrifying moments are when you realize you are lost to yourself.
Trees have overgrown above me and the sun is not able to shine through. The ground cover has engulfed the path I find myself on. I no longer can find where to place my foot when I take the next step. I lie down so still and wait. I am not sure what I am waiting for but I know it is on its way. I wait for the trees to blow and the sun to shine on me. I take in the warmth and remember what I am fighting. It takes courage and inner strength to stand up once more. Ahead of me there is a small resemblance of the path I was on. With one step in front of the other I take my place once more.
With each step forward I call out. I listen ever so closely. I call out louder and again find myself listening to the stillness surrounding me. As the panic fills the space inbetween I close my eyes and hold on tight to what I know.......the reminder of the love and joy hidden within the feelings of fear. I search high and low for the faith that has been misplaced. Most importantly I look for myself so that I am reminded once more that I may feel lost throughout this journey but if I look deep within I will always see that I am never far from home.
The time has come much sooner than I expected. As my legs start to plant themselves firmly in reality I am faced with the choice to once more step away from everyday life in the pursuit of hope. Time has slowly begun to heal my soul and piece back together my broken heart. I now must decide if I am whole enough once more to be vulnerable enough to break again.
In the deepest corners of my sadness it felt as though time crawled. My broken heart lingered within my body as I physically healed. The distant future held hope that I could not even take my mind to. Time was my best friend and worst enemy. It slipped through my hands like sand and slowly enough for me to count each miniscule granule.
As hours moved forward and night continued to turn to day I embraced the slow moving time as a gift. I loved my casual Sunday pace of everyday life. I could lose myself in moments that may have been rushed. I was empowered to embrace the times of sorrow as well as embrace the times of joy. Life did not rush me. I found myself soaking in the sun on warmer days. As the trees bloomed I smelled the sweet joy of another season passing. Life was alive and finally I was awake.
Over the last few weeks I have been reminded of how beautiful yet fragile life is. It crashes onto the shores until the moment it is drawn back out. It is in constant motion and is forever evolving. Today is on the brink of becoming the past and tomorrow will be our present in the blink of an eye. Hope lives here now and pushes me beyond what I thought was humanly possible. I am a survivor in every sense of the word.
I don't know what is going to happen in this life but I see the possibilities. I know that if I fall once more there are many hands and hearts to help me back up. I am not alone and recognizing that love alone can carry you through the dark is enough for me to place my hope in the light.
I walked out of the office. It was my final draw in this journey. I said my sweet goodbyes knowing that the faces that have pulled me through the devastation would no longer be visible on a weekly basis. I looked in her eyes and realized those eyes are the ones I looked forward to seeing every Monday. In her eyes I could find my blueberry. In those eyes were pictures of the last six months. The excitement of our baby on the way, the heartbreaking phone call only she could make telling me the end was nearing and finally, the final moment where the present officially became the past. My time was real and in those eyes I am reassured that the joy and the heartbreak were not a dream I just woke up from but one I actually experienced.
Longing for the day when I could say it was all over has been realized and the relief I thought I would feel is nothing but a figment of my imagination. This feeling is not what I expected. I felt as though my heart could break no more than it already had but I was mistaken. I realize now that I held on to every positive reading knowing that my body was trying to catch up to reality. It was a gift given to me by myself. A chance to allow my heart to catch up to life itself. The presence of my pregnancy was fleeting but still there. I was allowed to feel for one more week what it meant to be pregnant. I was given one more week to mourn the loss of what never will be. I didn't have to forget anything when my body was constantly reminding me. Every moment I clinged to as time slowly ripped it from my grasp.
Today I stare at my open hands. Bare and red from the tight grip on slipping memories. They are now empty as my palms reach up and I search for something to grasp. Finally realizing there is nothing left. What I thought was the worst is still yet to come. Finding the grace to hold my head high once more and try again is the greatest challenge I face. Stepping out into the world every morning and facing the world after is the fear of today.
One day at a time is too big for my heart. One hour at a time is more of the pace I am finding myself in. As hours pass and moments of anger, sadness and smiles compile before I know it another day will have passed. I will have made it through and I will lay my head down on my pillow that night. In the moment of haze as I step one foot from reality and place it into my world of dreams I will remind myself. Today is done and tomorrow is near. What was unbearable today will be easier tomorrow. The sun will bring me back to reality and as I step out into the day I will remind myself today is a new day and a chance to once again simply try again.
During the night I am left in silence. I find myself in moments that belong to me and me alone. Until now the night held dark corners I would get lost in. Sadness was the abyss that lingered on every edge I stepped up to. Life froze and paralyzed my heart. The path that was laid out before mere weeks ago had been destroyed. Once more I was left in the rubble trying to find a way to rebuild and once more find hope, love and a purpose. In the darkness of the night I was reminded of something so simple. This life is not just about me. It is not about my pain and my loss. The selfishness I had immersed myself in in my quest to grieve must end. Once more I found my sense of direction and slowly the path destroyed is slowly finding a new direction to take me in.
Life is a struggle every moment and emptiness takes on new meaning. Hope is distinguished and the loneliness of life is real. All of this carried on the shoulders of a tiny one whose only care in the world should be freedom of exploration. Friendships beckoning them to come out and play. A life that I was so blessed to enjoy as a child. Somewhere out there under the same sun rising is a child whose voice is quiet but whose story needs to be heard. Their tiny heart feels lost and alone. Hang on tight little one because I am almost there.
In a matter of a few short weeks our lives will collide. I will carry your tears in a jar. The words you used to cry out will no longer fall on deaf ears. You may be tiny in stature but together we will be larger than life. I will stand tall for you in moments of fear. I will hold you when you cry and protect you during the moments of darkness. I will choose to be your constant until you are safe. An advocate for myself I will no longer be because something even larger than myself calls out for me in the night. I will advocate for you in a world where tiny voices are hard to hear. No more. All will listen when you speak and for the first time together we will find your hope.
When our time together is over and for the first time you will be surrounded by safety and love I will thank you. You may never know but in this life of mine you saved me. You showed me once more that unconditional love comes in many forms. I needed you just as much as you needed me. You pulled me out of the depths of grief in order to see the light once more. In the search for your hope I found mine. You allowed me to see the changing landscape of my life and you pulled my hand into the world once more. As I drift off in thought I think of you waiting for me in this moment. Needing me to be your person. I stop in this moment and step away from that thought and realize that it is me in need. I am the one who is truly waiting for you. Together we will change each others lives. I may give you a voice but you helped me find mine once more.
Yesterday I woke to the sun screaming......GET OUT OF BED LAZY HEAD! I answered ever so politely and gestured my way to the sink for a glass of water and my normal morning breakfast of medications to jump start my day. It was going to be a busy day. A day that would hopefully fill my mind in ways that would not allow my heart to take over. I need today. I needed today to give me a respite from the unpredictable waves of grief. My shore could not take anymore abuse and a calm was needed for my heart and soul to catch its breath once more.
I bustled through the morning preparing a grant application. Doctors were called and the voices that echoed my life altering news mere days before were sweet with words and it sickened my soul. For a moment I found myself angry. How could their days, their nights, their lives move on so quickly when the loss I am feeling is still so unbearable? I reminded myself of the love I knew they felt for me and the minutes spent on holidays talking to me and answering my questions. Their voices were not sickening sweet but voices filled with hope. Hope for myself and hope for all of the others wanting to become mamas that they would meet throughout their day.They were not allowed moments of grief for others. They had to rebound faster than anyone else in order to comfort the next reassuring them that their story may turn out different.
After my calls I found myself out in the middle of the day. A time I had sheltered myself from as much as possible over the last week. I stood in line at the post office. I watched men with boxes. I watched women rushing through their lunch hour just to make sure that their bosses knew the much anticipated letter was mailed. My eyes fixated on one women ahead of me in line. She was someone close to my age. Her face full of frustration and worry that could be traced to everything else on her to do list that was put off by this one moment of wait. On one hip her bag rested and on the other her toddler. I found myself once more bubbling with anger. How could she be frustrated when she had the world at her hands......the world resting on her hip? How I longed to be her this time next year. How I longed to be mailing out baby announcements in this moment and not a silly grant application. I studied her for the duration of my wait. Reality sunk in once more and I realized she is but a mother with a list of things to do and all of them rested on her little toddlers cooperation. She was just one more person in this world with a life that must carry on.
Fate has a way of reminding us exactly where we are. It is not always kind but always truthful. I parked next to the expectant mother parking spot at the store. It was the spot Greg and I had joked about being ours in the months to come. I even thought of taking my picture next to it and that being our silly way of announcing to the world our miracle was on its way. I tucked my head down and carried on. I passed the foods that I had started to crave. I went down the isles that only a week ago I could not stand the smell. I saw the girl behind the bakery counter, the one who wrote on a small cake that we were expecting for me to share with my husband. I was in a minefield. I could not take one single step without something in my heart exploding. The list was shortened and I checked myself out. No eye contact was the best contact.
In the safety of the four doors of my car I fell apart before I even started the car. I did not care who saw me. I did not care if people walking by heard the wails I let go. A cry of a woman who lost her little blueberry. I continued to cry on my short drive home and the sadness followed me through the rest of the day and into the night. A sadness that still lingers today but exhaustion keeps at bay.
Infertility is something we are made to feel ashamed of. Miscarriage is something hushed and swept under the family carpet. There are books galore to tell you what to expect when you are expecting but less to guide you through the moments when what you were expecting is lost. It is a maze that at times seems like you can conquer only to wake up in the fetal position knowing today you will not get out of bed. No one tells you about the physical pain of losing your baby but even worse no one can prepare for the emotional pain that continues to last. One day at a time everyone tells me but do they know that some days are ok when others are crippling? When will the days pass of longing and the tears stop flowing? How much time does it take to truly mend a broken heart?
There is not a book to navigate you through your personal struggle through grief and one's path through grief is not the same as your own. It can not be rushed or measured in hours or days. It is a journey only you yourself can embark on. As with all journeys there will be times of complete despair and one day you will encounter moments that will make the pain seem smaller. I wait for those moments. The moments that make me want to get out of bed and not force me out. I long for laughter and joy and to bask in the hope of tomorrow. I know all of this is yet to come but I must bravely go through what today has in store. It will be hard. It will be sad but it will be mine. It is my path through my loss that will be but one more trail that you will find on the map of my life.
