Birthday

Today I am 34. Yes, that is still very young but my body has lived enough for a lifetime! Lupus has taken years off of my joints and muscles and has wreaked havoc internally. I think Lupus thinks it is a party everyday in my little body BUT NOT TODAY!!!!!!! Today is my day to celebrate this magnificent thing called life!!!!!

You see, I am not sad that I have Lupus. I may become frustrated with the disease and the mystery it engulfs me in but sad I am not! I feel my disease has allowed me to live the past 34 years with grace and dignity. It has allowed me to see life for what it really is and the beauty found in everything from a cloud whispering by to a disagreement that allows us to grow. I am able to feel love and accept love whole heartedly because you never know how much time is left. I have opened myself up to change within myself as well as with my surroundings. I wanted to travel the road that has NEVER been taken and see things that only others will dream about! I want to surround myself with unconditional love and support. Most importantly...........I want to have the deepest laugh lines the older I get!!!!!! Yep, you heard it...........I am asking for wrinkles!!!!!!! 

Today I not only celebrate the fact that I have carried on for another year, I celebrate those of you who have  filled my 34 years with so much love, kindness and joy! I am thankful to all of my parents who have had a hand in raising me. My mom and dad are no longer married and I have to say I was never one of those kids who thought that one day they would get back together because if they did they would erase some of the loves of my life! I have a Suzette, Jeffrey, Stephanie, Jared, Dave, Christi, Jenilee, Josh, Jackie, Jamie and Jessica! I have been surrounded by so much love and would never want to have any of them taken out of my life. They are the best parents and brothers and sisters a girl could ever imagine having! I am thankful that my mom Jan and dad Steve have continued to be a positive influence in my life every single day. They chose to bring me into this world and I could not have asked for better parents. I am the one blessed for being brought to them. My sister Holly has been my slobbering sister when she was a baby, my cheer leading/high school partner who would fight with me all the time and who has become my best friend and my true soul mate. She has brought the two brightest angels into my life with Lauren and Mia..............ok, Russ, you are an angel too!!!!!!

Over my life I have had amazing friends come and go. Each of you leaving a mark on my heart that would change me forever. I have learned the true meaning of friendship and have had bumps and bruises along the way. I have been taught lessons in forgiveness and humility and have grown to be a better friend because all of you. You have all become my family and have held my hand in the hospital, sent me sock monkey cookies or emailed me a little something to remind me that I am not alone. The beauty that I feel within is because of all of you. If I am even half the friend that you have all been to me, well, I will be doing good.

While all of you have shaped me and helped me to grow there is one person who wakes up swinging at Lupus with me everyday, he is my Tim. He has been the love that I had never felt and the joy that I never knew existed. He has allowed me to continue living my life with no restrictions. I have seen some of the most beautiful places on a dirt road in the middle of no where because he also has an adventurous soul. The complete love he has shown and the unconditional support is something that I never knew could exist between two people. Tim, you have given me the most amazing gift I could have ever asked for........complete love. You are my best friend, my partner in crime and my love! You have brought the world to me! You have also given me a new family.......Bob, Pat and Chris. They have taken me in and have shown me so much love and I am proud to say that they have become another set of parents to me and a big brother.

How could anyone ask for anything more when my life is filled with so much? Ok, it is my birthday so I will ask for one thing............lets all meet back here this time next year and celebrate 35 years of love and adventure!

My hill.............

I was recently described to someone as the one who lives on their own hill and is so positive that every once in a while they would like to punch me! Some may take that as a negative but not me, I giggled that one all the way home! It actually was an amazing compliment when I stop and really ponder it. I do live on my own hill and I seem to have my own weather that brings moments of complete and utter fear and other moments where I am so close to happiness that it almost burns my cheeks.

On my hill I am able to wear a blue sundress everyday and when I turn around the skirt lifts just enough that I can see a trail of blue out of the corner of my eyes. I am barefoot and take shelter under a lemon tree that has so many lemons that are so bright that you will finally understand why yellow evokes bright thoughts in your own mind. The hill is soft and emerald green but do not let that fool you, the climb can be treacherous if you are not prepared.  However, the reward at the end is this amazing moment where everything finally feels just right and time disappears and you will also get lost in the childlike spin of a blue sundress. This is my happy place. It is a place most will never see but others will try. 

I am the keeper of my hill and some try to climb and others find it to difficult and move on. You see there is no loneliness on my hill and I know my loves in my life will come and stay and others may have to go away for a small amount of time but remember times disappears on my hill and so it is as if my loves never left. 

On top of my hill there are also wild horses that I have been told if you feed them popcorn they turn into magical unicorns but THAT is a secret I will never reveal...........

Carry on...........

I have a confession...........I love to sneeze!!!!! I have no idea why but I do.......hehehehehe!!!!! The one thing I do NOT like are the hiccups. I have heard so many little things that you can do to cure your hiccups. I have drunk a glass a water backwards and let me tell you, be prepared to basically give yourself another shower! I have held my breath, been scared and even stood on my head! What I did learn is that hiccups will come and go.

I think the little hiccups in life are things that, they will just come and go. We will all face adversity in our lives. We will face illness and we will face death. You can not close your eyes, hold your breath and stand on your head to get rid of them. They are what they are and the question is how will you deal with your hiccups in this life?

I have had my heart broken so many times because of the hiccups that rolled through my life. I could have stopped and waited until they passed but in stead I chose to carry on. For instance, I am sick but I am also a happy, positive person who knows that my hiccups are not permanent. When I see those hiccups in my life coming I do not run from them instead I picture myself jump roping! Yep, jump roping! I close my eyes and jump and jump until I  jump right through that hiccup!!!! It does not stop it from heading your way, it just prepares you to face it and face it in a healthy manner.

Remember, hiccups are going to come and go. Some may last longer than others and some may even be life changing but there is nothing in your life that you can not handle. Just continue to carry on.

Beauty

Growing up in the Midwest I loved everything that spring represented. Spring represented rebirth and new life! Everywhere you looked something was coming alive! Flowers of hundreds of colors could be seen everywhere you looked. The sky was so blue that you could swear you had never seen that shade of blue before. The birds started to emerge and surrounded us with their beautiful songs from sun up to sun down. Trees were budding and soon you would hear the rustling of the leaves as the spring breeze blew in. The smells were sweet and vibrant and triggered images of fresh fruit and children laughing and running barefoot through the fields! Life emerged from every corner. Doors were opening. Windows were being cracked for the first time in months and in came the spring breeze and out blew the quietness of winter. The darkness of winter would soon be left behind and the newness of the world would be seen by everyone!

I find it very fitting that May is National Lupus Awareness Month. It is the heart of spring and in the newness emerges new hope in every Lupus patient and floods the world. It is time to see the beauty in everything and have hope that this is the year where we will be reborn again and a cure will be found! Hope is around every corner and the beauty of Spring fills us again. When I think of all of us who suffer from the mysterious disease I close my eyes and see thousands of us standing in a field and each of us shines with a different color. It is not ugly and it is not scary............it is beautiful and we are beautiful! Our scars on our faces, swelling of joints and the inability to move is left behind and we emerge to greet the spring with wonder and joy! In this field we all have billowing hair that has not been ravaged by chemo and it blows with the sweet breeze of spring! We rustle just like trees that are coming back to life. We bask in the warmth of the sun and for once we are not afraid!

Just like the flowers in the field each Lupus patient is different and the disease ravages our body in its own way. Even though we are each affected differently it is time to stand together as one! Our voices need to be heard and we need to remember to inspire everyone we meet. With inspiration awareness is born. Awareness and inspiration are the birth places for innovation, new testing and one day a cure! Today close your eyes and put yourself in that beautiful field and gently hold the hand of the Lupus patient standing next to you. Raise your heart and your voice and lets make a stand..................we will be heard and we will not be forgotten!

Cruelty

Growing up I was the little girl who just wanted to fit in. I wanted to have friends on the playground and I wanted to have friends who would knock on my door and ask my mama if I could come out and play. Eventually that happened and in order to keep that I would go above and beyond to be kind to others. At times I would probably be tooooooo nice. People would still  make fun of me and treat me poorly because they knew I would come back to school the next day and be their friends. As I grew up I would continue to see the way people would treat each others. The cruelty that would come out only because someone was a bit different. However, those people who were treated poorly would still come back and show great kindness  because being treated poorly was better than being invisible and treated like no one. 

I was taught the Golden Rule as a child.........treat others the way you would want to be treated. I swore to this rule as a child and as an adult but recently I have found default in this Golden Rule. There are some days when you can go out into the world and kill others with kindness because that is how you would want to be treated; however, this is not returned. What do you do when you try so hard to treat someone with love and loyalty when you are a door mat? How do you continue to be this kind person who shows so much love and kindness but can not see it surrounding them? What if you are made fun of or judged based on something you have no control over? What happens when you are kind and try as hard as you possibly could but find that no matter what you have no control over what happens to you which in return hurts your loved ones? 

You see I did not realize when I got sick that my life would change so drastically and that Lupus would not only affect me but also my family and friends to such a degree that some would just leave because they could not handle what this disease would show over time. I am the same Danica who ran home with tears in her eyes some days after school. I still run home with tears in my eyes after appointments, hospital stays and treatments. I still ask why everyday. Why does my life have to be altered so much because of a disease I did not ask for or have control over. I do the best I can with what I have. I am bright, Lupus beautiful and have so much love and kindness to still give but sometimes I run into these hateful and hurtful walls in life. I feel punished for being sick and I will miss out on some of the most important moments in our lives all because I have a disease called Lupus and all the details that come with it. What makes me so mad at times is that I am seen as the sick girl, Danica. Really I should be looked at as Danica only. I am not my disease and my disease can not rob me of who I am. So, if you do not like me I am ok with that but if you do not like the challenges of what a chronic illness brings to an individual and therefore clouds your judgement so much that you do not see me, the real me, then I do not need you or your shinanigens in my life.

It is Lupus awareness month and all I ask of you is to show a little more kindness and compassion for those around you. They may be sick or they may be healthy but they to still just want to be loved. So, what are you waiting for? Go knock on their door and ask them to come out and play!

I miss you.

May dear Grandmimaw,

You have only been gone for a few weeks but now you can see from where you are that you were gone for a lot longer. I am sorry that you had a disease that no one could help you with. I wish that something could have kept you with us a bit longer before you slipped into the world of the unknown. We never left you alone. Mom and Aunt Gail were there almost everyday and they would visit and talk with you even if you did not recognize them. You raised daughters who would never leave their mama alone in this world. Us grand kids would come and visit when we could and I tried to talk to you even up until the end. We would continue to celebrate your birthday and each holiday with you. Those are the types of children your daughters raised. We all stuck together as a family and we said goodbye to you as a family. You were never alone even though at times you felt as if you were surrounded by strangers. We never stopped loving you and we never will.

I can close my eyes and see you in your old kitchen clogging away, teaching Holly and I the best you could. I think Holly and I both got our love of dancing from you. Oh grandma, I can close my eyes and hear you call my name. I remember every time we talked I asked how you were feeling and you would always reply fair to midland. It makes me smile just writing it out. You were so beautiful in this world. Your smile lit up every room and I could hear you smile through your voice even when I was so far away. You always knew what to say to make me feel better and you stuck beside me as I went through some of life's toughest hurdles. You were always one of my biggest fans in this world and I yours.

I don't know how to let you go. I was looking through my contacts on my phone and there you were. I wanted to call it just hoping to hear your voice one more time. I still can not remove it but maybe over time I will be able to. Thank you so much grandma for teaching me lessons in love and life. Thank you for raising wonderful daughters who in return raised us. We will all be ok but we will miss you especially through out the next year as Mother's Day comes and goes. We will miss you at Christmas but will continue with your cookie making tradition. We will miss you on your birthday and everyday that follows. You were the song in our loves and now we have to learn to march to the beat of our own drum. 

One more thing grandma.......lean in, I have a secret for you.......I love you, don't tell anyone.

Your Danica Rae..............................

Time

As a little girl I looked at getting older as this amazing thing that happened every year. It was marked by family and friends, presents and lets not forget, CAKE! I looked forward to getting older. I celebrated the milestones just like everyone else. I turned sixteen and I started driving. I turned eighteen and started college. I turned twenty-one and yes, had my first drink and my first date with the Porcelain Gods! It was exciting and you could just feel that you were on the brink of a new challenge, a new adventure but once you pass your special milestones and you really grasp what getting older means you see how life is going to continuously change and not always for the better.

I have been doing a lot of internal searching and have been trying to find my way through a world that seems so scary and lonely right now. I lost my grandma a few weeks ago and I have struggled with the loss. She was the best grandma in the world and I have so many amazing memories but thinking about them still brings tears to my eyes so I am locking them in my heart where they will be safe and never forgotten. I miss her so much and I am so thankful for the 33 years I had her in my life. I will carry on her traditions through out my life and some day the tears will turn to smiles and laughter just as it should be. I am just navigating the waters the best I can at this point. I do think there are times when I need a giant purple unicorn inner tube to help me float along the way.

So, as my birthday approaches this year the joy I felt as a kid is missing and the reality that I am getting older every year and knowing that life does not wait on you to be ready leaves a little bit of a sour taste in my mouth. I know this taste will pass and I hold out hope that one day birthdays will become magical again and even at an older age, wishes can still come true.