Skin and Bones

As I lay down I stare up at what some may say is the bleakness of the void in the darkness presented to us by Mother Nature herself. In the darkness our minds race with worry, sickness and we face our own mortality in the depths of the night We find ourselves alone in a world that races with others and we try to imagine at this exact moment in time our darkness is known as light somewhere other than where we are. Comfort is what we look for in those thoughts and the thought of tomorrow reassures us that in fact we are not at all alone.As I study the night sky and embrace the darkness above me I see the glimmers of light twinkling billions of miles away. There is beauty in the depths of this darkness and light is above us at all times reaching out to us and infusing our eyes with the bit of light that leads to hope. 

I watch as others move through the night sky in silence with no awareness of my presence below. If they knew that somewhere down there someone was watching would they think twice and pause for a moment and wish wellness on the world below? Are they also lost in thought like those restlessly finding their peace in the night? In reality we are all constantly moving through time even when the night engulfs the light of day. Some travel through the skies, some stare at the stars and others toss the night away in the comfort of their own beds. One thing is certain for all of us is that we are all experience the passing of time at the same pace.

Sadness is not found in the night sky for myself and the passing of time does not frighten me. I have embraced the life I have been given and I have accepted the challenges that time has place on my shoulders. I will carry the weight of pain and illness everyday throughout my life. Every night I will throw my worries, fears and thoughts of loss up into the sky. It will be the burden of time that will be placed on the stars and for one moment I will seek relief through the beauty of the darkness and loose it in the void. For a moment I will loose my pain and suffering to the great abyss and as the stars wink back at me I know they are keeping me safe and tomorrows challenges will be met with a restful heart.

All of You

I have been huddled into a corner for so long and now a hand has emerged from the far distant light I can only see when I squint. I reluctantly take the hand with the hope that this hand will lead me to truth, life and love. I weightlessly hold my breath as time moves slow and the future continues to unfold. Where there was once fear and sadness is hope and laughter. Where the thought of time moving forward left me crumbled on the floor in a puddle of what used to be me I now stand tall and whole again not as I was before but how I should be now. 

I have stepped out of my past and into the arms of my future. These arms are strong and powerful. When wrapped around me I am safe from the outside world and even feel a sense of safety from myself. I feel overpowered by the love that is emanated from the heart that now beats for me and longs to see me when I am not there. I am made to feel beautiful when my body is whispering words of ugliness into my ears. The pain resonates in his heart due to the momentary defeat Lupus covers me in and he aches for me during the muffled cries of pain that can be heard when looking deep into my eyes, coming face to face with my soul. I am complete just as I am with the patched work of my past seen all over my body. These patches make me who I am and made me into the women he has grown to love oh so very much.

His love has challenged me in ways I could never have imagined. My whimsical way of looking at the world and twirling through everyday brings him out of his box and into the chaos only known as Danica's World. I look at him and see myself in his eyes and know that in front of me stands my future and I can not believe it was waiting for me all of this time. It patiently waited over the years as my heart prepared for this love. I would never go back and do anything different due to the fearful consequences that could result from one moment of change. I will take my scrapes and scratches because the hands that now heal me are the most gentle and kind hands I have ever felt. 

When a moment in time stops and we must choose to step forward we can not make the step without taking a piece of our past with us. In our hearts and souls we wish that new beginnings would truly be new and the pain from the past would not flow ever so gently under the closed door into the present. The best we can do is close our eyes and step into the light of today thankful to have another's hand to hold and hope for the best in our tomorrows. For I am not perfect, he is not perfect but together perfection can exist.

35

Today I celebrate my 35th year in this world. I look around and not everything is what I imagined but I realize everything is just as it should be. Bumps and bruises and heartbreaks and healing, I touch my toe to the water and the ripple begins.

When you stop and really examine what life has given you. You are faced with the reality of choices, the warmness of blessings and the heartbreak in things you can not change. You realize life has not turned out the way you expected. Some find themselves with families when their dream was to travel the world. Others find themselves single yet again and no we do not have the plague. Never mind the pity that washes over others when you hit THAT age and still have no children. Moments of your life that are raw and real for you become quite evident by others who find themselves happy that they are not in your shoes. Why does life's magic moments miss some and embark on others?

I can honestly say at the ripe young age of 20 I did not see me at 35 just as I am right now. I never imagined I would have to fight a disease that would debilitate my young body over time. I imagined a life with the unconditional love of an amazing man and little ones running under foot as I raced around picking up after them and their busy lives. No, I never I imagined I would be who I am or where I am at today.

Ok, collective sigh around the world in one......two.....three......BUT before you jump on that pity wagon let me give you a few other things to think about. While I may have missed my early in life forever love and not have started my family at a time deemed "appropriate" by some standards, I also never imagined the life I have had up to this point. I never imagined I would have had the brains capable of graduating from a university with a degree in accounting and finish on the Dean's List. I was told in high school that I would most likely be the president of a sorority named Kappa Kappa Sweetheart and drop out once I married. I always thought I would settle down the road from my family but nope, life handed me Arizona and even when it is hot I embrace it so tightly, maybe not as much in the summer! I never imagined I would explore Costa Rica, have explored Baja Mexico, Colorado, Utah and California from the back of a truck!!!!! I have surrounded myself with chosen family that laughs at my crazy antics, allows me to cry when I am in pain and surprises me with my favorite things. I have become a surrogate aunt to my friends little ones and have been blessed to watch a little one grow up in front of my eyes and I am still able to sleep in on the weekends!

I pose the question again, why do life's magic moments miss some and embark on others? The simple answer is that they don't.

What have you done for me lately?????

One may ask in selfish resentment.......what have you done for me lately? Darkness clouds the eyes and frustration fills your soul as you search for clues hidden beneath the moments in time. Answers are needed but open ended questions are what you are left with. Again you stare it in the face. Penetrating every ounce of what stands before you. You ask as tears roll down your cheek........what have you done for me lately????

Pain has washed over you moment after moment. Movement has been frozen in time and the wish  normalcy has once again been lost. In the wake that is left behind life is shattered, dreams are lost and you are left with what has crumbled around you. Slowly you bend over and slump to the ground and pick up the pieces. For the longest of time the pieces continue to just slip through your fingers. The ability to grasp is lost and you are paralized in the moment wishing that your will was enough to make the smallest of differences. A negative energy is the gift given in a pretty package. Pain and sleeplessness is the dessert after a four course meal and agony is paired with defeat. What have you done for me lately?????

As the question hangs in the air with defeat worn as a proud badge I look at it straight in the eye. A smile creaps into the darkness and light shines through. The heaviness in the air is swept away by a sweet breeze. You may burden me with pain and discourage me with road blocks but you have not defeated me. You may hurt my body and break my heart over and over but you have not stolen my hope. You follow me everywhere I go but what others see when I walk into a room is my bright eyes and radiant smile. You have not stolen my will and will never take away my joy. I will always look you right in the eye and challenge you to go ahead, try again.

As national lupus month comes to an end and most forget for another year the daily fight that occurs everyday for me, I stand up everyday to an invisible disease and continue to challange it. It may be a part of who I am but it has not and never will define me.

Reflection

In the stillness of the day and the quietness of the night I find myself reflecting on what is and what could be. I reflect on the new begining and focus on learning, trusting and loving once more. I feel hope restored, laughter tends to roll off of my lips and smiles radiate from the here and now as I twirl my way through the days. However; even in these intense moments of compleute and utter joy and hope I find myself wondering if my heart should be held tighter than ever to avoid the hurt that can result from so much love.

When I look into his eyes I see kidness, love and compassion. In his embrace I feel safe from the ugliness of the world. For the first time in a long time just the presence of arms around me and the intimacy of a touch of a hand as it embraces mine leaves me speechless. From the moment I knew that unconditional love existed I have searched around every bend and looked under every rock to find its exact hiding place. Is it possible that we have been searching for each other? Could he be the one who I have been waiting for all of my life? Has unconditional love finally entered into my world? I hold my breath waiting to see what the future holds in fear of breathing out and waking up from this dream that has now become my reality.

Ever so gently and cautiously I put my heart in someone elses hands for safe keeping. I trust unconditionally that happiness will overcome any possible heartache and time will finally be on our side. Life has not stopped but continues to move forward just as I must also do. Patience is required and time will continue to move ahead but I will wait with baited breath hoping that my moment in the sun has finally risen and will shine on day after day.

Fall Into Me

I sit silently with an empty chair next to me. Over the years the chair has been occupied by few and has yet to be coveted by the one to sit down and not leave halfway through a moment in time. I long for the one that cautiously asks if they can buy me a drink with the slightest of hope glimmering in their eyes as they navigate through the blue ocean leading to my soul. A glimmer of hope is exchanged by two hearts. The promise of possibility still unknown to even us. 

Time will stand still with a glance from across the room. Our souls unite in the most intimate of moments in the night when the light seen is the reflection of each others souls seen by two people holding tight to one another. Laughter will echo through the days and passion will fill the moments left. Safeness will finally be felt and the worry of tomorrow will no longer exist because tomorrow will be faced with a hand that has reached out and holds on tightly with the intent to never let go. 

My heart has been taught lessons of anguish and have seen moments of complete beauty only found between two people lost in one moment completely together. The world slips away and what is left is two and only two in that exact moment. Life seems to stop and the sun pauses to shine one more last glimmer of light on two individuals who have seen the dark for to long and is ready to bask in the warmth of a promise of a new day and a new forever.  

Sounds rush above me but I am lost in an embrace that when I close my eyes I can still feel the tightness of strength found in the arms of a protector. The fluttering of my heart and the butterflies felt throughout my body reminds me of the power of hope and joy in the search for new love and life. Acceptance is felt and I am no longer sick.......I am simply me with blue eyes, glasses and a smile that radiates from the inside out. It is one glimpse into my soul that someone will encounter when they meet me. 

However, I am looking for the one who sees my smile and can feel it radiate through themselves. One who can not imagine a day without hearing my voice and dreams of a future full of adventure and surprises around every corner. Who dreams of seeing themselves through tiny fingers and first smiles. Giggles that fill a home. One that when walked into love is not a question but the actual building blocks and foundation of the beautiful life found living within. 

I find my heart on my sleeve and my thoughts, emotions and feelings have become an open book. I patiently wait for someone to dust of the cover and sink in deep to read about who I am and absorb endless love that I emanate from me to another. I know my dream is a reality and that somewhere someone walks along through their day not knowing that the best thing to happen to them is just moments away and finally life will feel complete and a life dreamt about will come to fruition. Love will exist and time will stop as we look deep into each others eyes......in that one moment life and love will truly begin. 

Wind Chimes

The sun does not shine today. The wind blows the world around outside of my safe place and small drops speckle the window pane. It is chilly and the world looks so sad out my window.....in a complete moment of chaos. I focus on the song I hear in my head, it is the chime of memories and love. I hear my grandfathers wind chimes.

While Mother Nature throws one more chilly fit I feel warm inside. For the first time in so long I see the sun. Not out my window but in my soul and can feel it radiate from my heart. Could it really be the end of my winter? Has things truly happened for a reason and has life shown me a glimpse of what is really set before me in my path through life? I believe again. I believe in hope, love and family. The fight is over and what is left is complete peace when one let goes and closes one door to only see a glimpse of another door slowly opening. What is on the other side is yet to be seen but I know it holds the key to all of my dreams and happiness. 

I feel like I am standing at that once terrifying ledge of life clinging to the past so I do not dare fall off. Now that the past has been released and I have let myself fall into the unknown the fear has been swept away and what was left is nothing compared to what I am going to find. 

As I fall into the darkness I realize it is not dark at all. There are colors of vibrant blues and shades of meaningful maroons. The tears are no longer falling along the window panes of my life, now they are dry and I feel the glow come back to my cheeks. The wind that first took my breath away fills me with life and reminds me to breathe because with every new breath is the promise of tomorrow.

The fall quickly slows and I realize I am not falling, I am flying at my own will. I choose the direction which I will take. As I look around I am not alone. Isolation smothered me on the ledge but as I now fly I see the faces that have always loved me never left. My mama still calls my name, Lauren and my Mia's smile at me and see nothing but perfection just as I am and an uneasy breath of release is heard from all those who love me. They can see that nothing has ended, instead everything has truly just begun. The hope we could not see through the tears was always there and now with dry, clean eyes and a rested heart it is obvious. Life is not over......it has just begun.