Life's lessons at times taught through the hard way. Through my battle with autoimmune disease I find inner strength in my life through the courage, hope and the natural discovery on what it truly means to be a survivor.
Deception does not dance among the light we see but lies below the surface in things we do not. It creeps in on us on the shoulders of surrounding shadows. Our hearts are filled with the darkness until the once beautiful beats of a pure heart turn to dark shocks. Paralyzed it leaves us and questions soar around our lives. The frightening thing about deception is that we each are responsible for it. You may be the one creating the lies that deceive others but you may also find yourself on the receiving end. In order to loosen its grip responsibility must be claimed and finally the first step out of the dark is possible.
The true beauty of life is only seen from the healing heart. You no longer are taken for granted and you have the chance of real happiness once more. You slowly walk out of the shadows and heal with every breath you take. Light nourishes your soul. Love is once more reintroduced into the web you have weaved. Once by one the threads are cut down. Finally you can look in the mirror and see who you truly are through your own eyes as the clouds of something that resembled your life move past. For me it was never the calm before the storm. It was the cleanliness that was left after the terrible rain that left me feeling rejuvenated and alive once more.
Time passes no matter how much we wish it would slow down. Life moved on and your purpose is still out there waiting for you to reach out and grab it at the first opportunity. There is no more darkness before the dawn. We live in a constant glow of the first morning light. Peace has silently settled in around us. Every morning there is joy, no regret and pure happiness for just being alive. Negativity has melted around me and is nothing more than a puddle for me to jump in as I look up and see the rainbow that is my life and giggle as I leave it behind.
I am forever grateful for moments that sit in my past. I visit those moments less and less. I do not feel the need to dwell in what once was but to open my eyes and see what really is. I am even more grateful that the past IS the past. Happiness never truly lived there and deception became a shadow that followed me as others threw it in my path. I am finally free! I am free to build a beautiful life with a beautiful soul. What I feared was the end at one time was not even close to the beginning. Today I sit in pure peace of mind and tomorrow, well, tomorrow is yet to come but holds so much hope and possibility. I see my purpose right out in front of me and finally I am free to reach out and grab it. Life no longer sits on the sideline waiting for me but instead life can barely keep up.
The year was brought in with celebration. The year held so much hope and so much joy. Our engagement was celebrated around the country with friends and family scattered every where joining in in our moment of pure joy. Families were joined and unconditional love was the foundation for both of our lives. I knew unconditional love was what we were built to give and to receive. Backgrounds were different but commonality joined us in unexpected ways. A true feeling of pure commitment and promises that were meant to never break were made. Life truly began in that instant. I woke up without even knowing I was sleeping.
On a beautiful May afternoon I walked down a sandy sun drenched isle in my pretty perfect purple lace shoes. The breeze danced off of the clear turquoise water and met my cheeks and swirled through my long hair. Fear that crept in my forever worrying mind seemed to roll away with every wave as I quietly listened to them gently crash onto the white sandy shore. I closed my eyes, cradled my orchids and listened for Cat Power and floated down the aisle as the words come with me my love, to the sea, the sea of love met the ocean sound in perfect harmony...........I met the strongest, kindest, most beautiful soul I have ever met.
We took our first steps as husband and wife into the caribbean waters where local tradition states that those who step into the magical water will be blessed in a beautiful way. Somehow in this crazy intertwined world we live in I met the reflection of myself and fell in love. We married in the West Indies as our families and friends waited with bated breath to receive the first picture.........WE DID IT!!!!!!!! In that moment I knew I had in fact been blessed in so many beautiful ways. Life was just beginning for us.
The first year of marriage has not always been easy and has been filled with learning pains only new love goes through but also grows through. With every bump in the road we fight our way out of uncertainty and insecurity to find not only a better us but more importantly to find ourselves individually. It is a love story only written for our lives that we will walk through together until our time ends. I silently appreciate the way he lets me sleep in in the morning. He never leaves my side when Lupus forces us into that ever dreaded limbo of the emergency room. He follows my gurney every where and only stays outside of the testing rooms because of radiation. He walked alongside of me through chemotherapy and was my biggest cheerleader when I chose it was time to stop.
As hospital visits became fewer and fewer in between I started to uncover my inner voice. I was not better and no, chemotherapy will never cure Lupus, but time and careful care can help keep it at bay on the best of days. As I silently cared for myself more than I ever had in my past the voice I found that had been buried for so long left me screaming. I shouted and became a personal advocate for my needs as a brave, beautiful and strong women battling an invisible disease.
I was tired of being told to suck it up and to silent my inner voice that shouted.......LISTEN TO ME! I am a walking poster for awareness and it is my job to not be silent and to show all that you can battle illness and still be amazing. Bravery is the most beautiful light you can be seen in. I bask in that light every moment I am alive in this incredibly beautiful world. A world I can only see through pain, fear and pure acceptance of what my life truly looks like.
Morning fog is this beautiful white down coverlet that silently rolls back once it is time for the world to wake. I can feel every finger the sun touches me with and the warmth it holds in its hands. Rain washes the dirt away and leaves our world bathed in crisp beautiful colors. Rainbows.......rainbows are miracles for us to see and to remind us to stop and truly believe in this fast paced world.
I did not want to just be seen anymore. I was finally brave enough to believe in myself and in the power of my voice. It was time to be heard. For so many years I was the quite half that fought alone in silence. Not anymore. I am better than silence. I am more beautiful than that. I am braver than that. I am stronger than that. It is time to be heard and I screamed so loud that my voice traveled around the world.
As I traveled around the world through words we raged a battle here at home. A battle so many fight and so many fight silently. We fought our way through IVF only to conclude our amazing year with our first attempt failing. A heartbreaking blow to a positive attitude because I know my destiny. My destiny is motherhood. Destiny must wait and our baby has not found us quite yet. It's on the way and will arrive in its own time. Just like its mother.
Time passes so quickly. Life changes in the blink of an eye. Uncertainty and fear lead to discovery and acceptance. Loss is processed and again you choose to come out the other end of the rabbit hole scratched but not damaged. Never damaged. The scratches fade and not even a trace is left. True strength does not scar but heal the scratches of yesterday to reveal the newness of tomorrow. With passing time the pain of yesterday is a distant memory that one day you wake up and it feels like a dream and you look around and your reality is so much more beautiful that you could have ever dreamt.
This year starts again with the newness of endless possibilities. A year of growth and beautiful moments lie in front of each one of us. It is our job to choose to see the beauty that surrounds us everyday. Love the family you have. Cherish the friendships that pick you up off of the cold harsh ground Friendships that reach for you in the deepest darkness of your mind. Remember the beauty you hold within is worth shouting from the highest mountain top. Your voice is one but you are loud enough that you too can be heard around the world.
Welcome new year. I am ready for you. I am not afraid of you. I am ready to make my mark once more on this beautiful adventure called life. My moment.......our moment.
As I contemplate on the eve of my life changing I stop and reminisce on my life up to this point. It has not always been easy. It has been filled with heartbreak, untouchable adventures and moments filled with growing pains that lead me in the right direction. Some call it life, others call it the passing of time but I believe it is called bravery.
The road laid out in front of me even before my first step was riddled with twists and turns. There were moments in dark forests that never lead to clarity. I had to take it upon myself to cut down the trees that sheltered me in order to find the warmth of the sun once more. Time stopped in those moments and never ending pain set in. Just when I thought I could no longer bear it I always found my way. Fear was replaced with a rejuvenated sense of hope. The light that had been dimmed by others was sparked once more for the world to see. My heart became a beacon of life. It sent out a light that may only shine as one but was seen by many.When others around me gave up I chose not to give in. I put on my big girl pants and lifted my chin. Smiles were forced until they came naturally. Pain diminished and once again I could remember my purpose.
This beautiful life was indeed placed in the path of others for a reason. I can rain down laughter when everyone else cries. I feel immense physical pain only to dismiss it so that I can be an example on how to carry on. I have had to memorize the backs of others as they walk away only to turn around and see a new smile in my life, my very own. My smile was never lost, just misplaced at times.
Some call this life. I call it endurance. Some call it the passing of time. I call it healing. I may have had the road laid out in front of me. It may be filled with twists and turns but I decide how to walk down it. I decide to dance in the darkness of the forest. I decide to spin on my tippy toes through the pain. I decide to stay when others choose to leave. I choose hope, faith and love. Bravery is not for the faint of heart but I know bravery is beautiful.
"There were two horses in a field. From a distance, each horse looks like any other horse. But if you get a closer look you will notice something quite interesting...........one of the horses is blind. His owner has chosen not to have him put down, but has made him a safe and comfortable barn to live in. This alone is pretty amazing. But if you stand nearby and listen, you will hear the sound of a bell. It is coming from a smaller horse in the field. Attached to the horse's halter is a small, copper-colored bell. It lets the blind friend know where the other horse is, so he can follow. As you stand and watch these two friends you'll see that the horse with the bell is always checking on the blind horse, and that the blind horse will listen for the bell and then slowly walk to where the other horse is, trusting he will not be led astray. When the horse with the bell returns to the shelter of the barn each evening, he will stop occasionally to look back, making sure that the blind friend isn't too far behind to hear the bell.
Like the owner of these two horses, God does not throw us away because we are not perfect. Or because we have problems or challanges. He watches over us and even brings others into our lives to help us when we are in need. Sometimes we are the blind horse, being guided by the little ringing bell of those who God places in our lives. And at other times we are the guide horse, helping others to find their way. Good friends are like that. You may not always see them, but you know they are always there.
Please listen for my bell, and I will listen for yours."
Once upon a time there was a little blond head blue eyed girl. She was loved by all who met her. The breeze carried her into the lives of many and just as quickly as the breeze blew in she danced her way out. Chasing lightning bugs and rainbows through crisp corn fields kept her busy. When the clouds opened up and released their joy onto the world below she danced through the puddles with such reverence. She never met a stranger and was blessed to carry this on throughout her life.
She had a dream.........
The love of furry things surrounded her heart. Dogs and cats could not be snuggled enough even when they tried to kick free. Animals became little families clustered in her room. She rocked them to sleep, fed them the most delectable treats a little girl could imagine up and every single one of those furry friends could read her her favorite story books. Days melted into nights as time continued to show her the beauty of the world surrounding her.
She had a dream........
Clumsy she may have been but it never deterred her from stepping out with her tiny bare feet. She longed to feel the morning dew kissing her toes good morning and welcoming her to the new day that awaited. Spinning with her arms open until she fell to the ground giggling uncontrollably was her way of saying welcome to my world. From sun up to sun down life was a kaleidoscope of beauty that only she experienced.
She had a dream.......
As time passed and the little girl grew up she never lost her sense of childlike wonder. Life blessed her with opportunities to travel the path less traveled. These paths revealed beauty most will never see. Her dance continued through life. She danced under waterfalls in the mountains of Colorado, tiptoed up to wild turkeys, cows and animals alike off of the dirt roads. She twirled under the stars only to collapse to the ground overlooking cliffs of wonder. Her thoughts and heart were lost among the stars. As they would glisten through the sky wishes were made on every singe one.
She had a dream........
The little girl grew into an adult. The whimsical child carried this whimsical outlook throughout her entire life. Please do not misunderstand, life has not been easy for her. Chronic illness has touched the tip of her nose with its cold icy finger. It has swept through her heart and soul and will be her shadow for the rest of her life. People have come into her life only to try and break her spirit but no one could ever succeed. She has chosen to wear her pain and suffering on her sleeve right along side of her heart. It is a part of her new dance through life and she is proud of it and the strength and courage it has filled her soul with. She is proud of the resistance that washed over her during the days as a child under the sun rays, through the rain and over the mountains and rivers alike.
She had a dream........
After heartache love was reborn stronger than ever. A love that she never even knew could even exist. The love before that she thought she knew turned out to not be love at all. Love should not hurt, should not be selfish and one sided. Love should be kind, giving and be the light that draws you back home at night. That kind of love, that love is love she needed and knew would truly be a love of a lifetime. This love filled her life with joy and wonder once more. She danced and twirled without a care and everything she had ever wanted was finally in her hands.
She had a dream........
Surrounded by love and compassion this once upon a time whimsical soul that is now all grown up has decided it is time for her dream to come true. The love that she carries is too much to bear alone and it is time to share the world seen only through her eyes. It is time for her whimsical little one to come into this world. She wants to once again dance in the rain, twirl in the sun light and make wishes on every star with childlike wonder. The love of all things furry must be passed on to another little one who snuggles without resistance. The whimsical child inside of her grown up heart is breaking free. Lessons of beauty and wonder will be shared. Acceptance of those who are different will be taught. Compassion will grow within before she even hears the first cry. She is ready for her heart to no longer be her own but to live outside of her own body and dance free in the sun and under the stars.
She had a dream........
Little bean, in one month from today you and me will be begin this journey together that will last my entire lifetime. You have been wanted from the first snuggle of a teddy that was my own. I can not wait to show you how to dance and to dance as though no one is watching. You may be small but you will be mighty. We are ready for you. The world is ready for you. You may be just one in millions but you are our only one.
There are not a lot of things in this world I know for sure. Two things my mama always taught me when I was younger that would guide me in adulthood is that you need to treat people the way you would want to be treated in every situation and to share, share, share!!!!! Well, I am sure the later of the two pertained more to toys with my siblings and not my overall life. My mama taught me very well as you can read! When I started the IVF process I anticipated the sharing would be bumped up a notch and some simple compromises would need to occur......I had no idea what I was in for!!!
As a patient with Lupus I have grown accustomed to sharing my life and my body with medicine. I am proud to choose teaching facilities so that others coming up into the medical field will develop a knowledge for this rare disease that affects each of its hosts a bit different. I spread awareness daily and pride myself in the knowledge I can pass on to those who have never been affected by an autoimmune disease. It is a kaleidoscope of ever changing colors. Just when we think we have the upper hand on everything we are shocked with a set back. To say the least, I have lots of experience sharing.
My life is no longer shared with the medical field. My life is dictated by medicine. Our ritual begins at 6 pm. Everything is gathered at the kitchen table. We make washing our hands silly and a time to catch up on light facts from our days. Greg is the mixologist and he helps me add the saline to the powder. We stare in awe as we watch the immediate result of clear liquids. Once our science lesson is over for the night the hard part begins. Two injections in the tummy......that is not a fun shot spot and I know shots!!!!! The medicine burns as it goes in and within a hour the headache that never went away from the day before is back with a vengeance followed by constant abdominal cramping that only is relieved when lying in the comfort of my own bed. Days seep into the nights and before we know it we are always sitting at the dining room table in the evening ready for the next round.
Once the shots move through my system the doctors take control of everything!!!! They dictate when I see them and with IVF it is not on your schedule per say but your inner bodies clock that keeps everyone involved ticking. Mornings are fast becoming reserved for blood draws and internal ultrasounds. All sense of normalcy and privacy has exited the building leaving you feeling crazy and wondering if it is just the hormones talking. At least on the way into the building you are greeted like Norm on Cheers. It is their smiling faces that keep you moving forward from one room after the other and chatting about your weekends. My IVF team are becoming fast friends and family. They are creating my family, so rightfully so.
With the loss of self and constantly injecting medication you would think I am crazy. I am not a crazy. I want to be a mother. Those who have not struggled with infertility that lead to months and years of heartbreak will never be able to wrap their hearts around our struggle. What came so easy for most becomes a constant struggle for others. Understanding and compassion take a backseat to phrases about having faith and being patient. Faith and patience is something we have an abundance of and now we cling to medicine to create our families.
Today I was reminded of why I get up and repeat everything everyday. I looked at the screen as they examined me. My amazing nurse took the time to show me one half of every possibility. I saw what will hopefully become our tiny human. It renewed my sense of hope and filled me with encouragement. There is a reason I am doing all of this to my body. One day I want to walk the halls of my IVF clinic and see our family hanging on the wall thanking everyone for helping and encouraging those that are still hoping.
He woke me up on the first cool morning of the season just so I would not miss it. The chill that surrounded each toe I stuck outside wrapped my heart in a feeling of warm joy. It is the time of year when the world sheds its layers in color embracing for the winter to follow. Time to slough off the old and start emotionally preparing for the new. It is this time of year that seems to jump start something inside of me. The summer's sun is setting earlier and as I wrap myself in a sweater I am also wrapped in the warmth from love. Love that grows with everyday and every year. A love meant to be shared with a beautiful growing family.
The time has come where I know my body has done everything it can possible do on its own. Seven supplements a day has slowly coaxed my body into a normalcy it has never known. Normalcy was not enough and where I am so proud of my body fighting so hard to make conception a possibility, it is time to let it rest and let the experts guide us on the next leg of our journey. A journey that I know will be filled with lows and possibly the most amazing high of my life, becoming a mommy.
For the first time I have a fear living in the darkest corner of my heart. It is a fear that I have never felt while battling Lupus. It is not a fear of loosing my life but a fear of not being able to create life. I wrestle daily with the disappointment felt month after month and morn the loss of something that never was. I hold back the anger that tries desperately to bubble to the surface. I can not hate because of the time taken from me. Instead I have to come to terms that the time taken can never be returned and I have to live with the possibility that my time has just ran out. With every rise of the sun, setting of the moon and footsteps left in the sand I move forward and try hard to leave this anger behind. I prepare my heart and soul for the battle about to begin. A battle for a baby of our own that we have dreamt about our entire lives. The battle that once won will feel like a lifetime ago.
On Wednesday I will walk into the office of a doctor I never wanted to see but I am so thankful to have found. I send positive thoughts into the universe in hopes of them returning to me. I wrap my heart in bubble wrap so that it may take the pain to come but will remain whole until the day we hear our good news that our miracle has occurred. Until then I will stand tall, fill my heart with love and hope and brace myself for the hard times to come. I will be prodded and poked for something greater than myself. Someone greater than the two of us combined.
