Letting Go

You came in and and took my hand. It did not matter that you had worked through the night. You lead me out to the truck and loaded me in. You did not question my needs at that moment because you knew it was beyond what you could do for me. The pain exceeded what we could handle together and something was terribly wrong. Something was terribly wrong but you were strong and lead me through the Emergency Room doors with a hand on my back. I was terrified and it was not because I was feeling so sick.......I was terrified that you would leave just as they had all left before you.

You see, in the past I was made to feel broken and ashamed of what was going on inside of me. The unconditional support and love I needed in the darkest of moments was never there and I was forced to navigate the choppy waters of my disease alone. I grew to believe I was in this alone and accepted it and did not demand the love, compassion and care I truly needed and deserved. No matter how sick I was I still deserved the simple respect a human being should not have to fight for. My needs were second and this was felt in the long days and weeks of living my daily life alone. There was not enough time left in the day for the bothersome burden my disease blanketed us with. Questions were answered in a gruff manner that left me feeling as if I was a bother.......a burden. This has left me questioning my true ability and strength I need to fight for my life everyday. I have been left with fear and a sense of loss........a loss of myself because I surrendered my needs for the sake of another. Not anymore.

As they poked and prodded and gave me shot after shot you never left my side. You closed your eyes when you thought I had fallen asleep. One noise out of my mouth and you were right next to me. Making me laugh and holding me through the moments of breathtaking pain. You showed me love in a way I have not experienced. You never let me apologize without scolding me. The love felt through your touch made me feel safe and for the first time I could let go of the past and the fears that had been sketched onto my heart. For the first time I was not alone and all I had to do was whisper your name and everything was right in the world. In my life, in that moment you became a true man in my eyes and my heart. I had finally found what I had longed for even before I knew it was missing. 

I am struggling right now. I am very sick and very afraid of every fever and every headache. Septic shock is what we are monitoring for and hoping the bacterial infection in my lymphatic system stays there and does not dance throughout my blood. Bed rest has stolen my long weekend and has taken my time out in nature away. However, at the end of the day my body may be done and the sickness may take over but one thing I can count on is that I am not going through any of this alone. 

For the first time in my life I have someone who puts me first and monitors me and learns from me and accepts me just as I am. He understands that he is not only inviting me into his life but also Lupus. It does not phase him. He looks past my disease and sees me, the real me. The me that loves to laugh and watch fun shows on tv. The me that adores family and can not wait to start my own. The me that tried to do everything on her own without asking for help. He truly sees who I am and on those days it is to much and I have to rest and watch a movie.......he is right there on the couch with me making me laugh and for a moment I can forget that I am sick. 

He is my strength, my rock and my friend. He is my love, my today and my tomorrow. Because of him I am no longer afraid of the future and what Lupus has in store for me because I know I am not alone and he will be right there next to me every step of the way. He is amazing and he is my Greg.

Super Powers

My friends see me in an angelic way. A way that allows them to process me and everything that comes along with me in a positive manner. I am someone who has it together regardless of what life has handed me, accepts the pain and walks with my head up looking for the sun no matter how hard the rain may fall that day. Over time and after years of surrounding myself with these thoughts and looks of power sent directly to my soul through others you begin to think the same way. You are no longer human.......you have super powers and you may not be invincible but you are untouchable when it comes to negative discourse bumping into you on the path of life. 

As a child you are asked more times than not what super power would you like to have if you were blessed with one? Almost all of my friends wanted to fly, shoot lightening from their fingertips or even have the power to see into the future. Not me. I wanted the power to heal and to bring happiness into everyone's life that I danced in to. With child like wonder I imagined touching the ill and watching them dance into the sunset all better. I saw a see of smiles that emanated so much light that the sun would be ashamed to rise in the shadows of all of that joy. What they failed to mention is that super powers do not exist and life is still going to make you cry and kick you when you are down and there is not a touch in the world that can take away that pain.

I long for the touch to take the pain away. I wish the breeze felt by a passing hand was enough to heal time, my heart and my body. I look into the eyes surrounding me and see the hope they have for me but all I reflect is the questions of why. Tonight I gaze into the distance and try to recall the days when I did not feel pain every in every motion of the day. I look at strangers and I am envious of the freedom and fluidity their body gives them. Boy, what I would give for a pain free day to  do everything I took for granted over the course of my life before my disease. 

As I close my eyes tonight I am not the person my friends and family see. Tonight I am not the strong one everyone tells me I am. I feel beat down by the invisible disease that only I know I have and others can glance at me and forget. This is what will overtake me as the sun goes down but tomorrow will be different. Even with the pain I will wake up with my super powers again and what others see when they look at me will be reflected in the mirror as I see myself. Lupus you may have won this battle tonight but with your one win I will have 364 days to try again.

Skin and Bones

As I lay down I stare up at what some may say is the bleakness of the void in the darkness presented to us by Mother Nature herself. In the darkness our minds race with worry, sickness and we face our own mortality in the depths of the night We find ourselves alone in a world that races with others and we try to imagine at this exact moment in time our darkness is known as light somewhere other than where we are. Comfort is what we look for in those thoughts and the thought of tomorrow reassures us that in fact we are not at all alone.As I study the night sky and embrace the darkness above me I see the glimmers of light twinkling billions of miles away. There is beauty in the depths of this darkness and light is above us at all times reaching out to us and infusing our eyes with the bit of light that leads to hope. 

I watch as others move through the night sky in silence with no awareness of my presence below. If they knew that somewhere down there someone was watching would they think twice and pause for a moment and wish wellness on the world below? Are they also lost in thought like those restlessly finding their peace in the night? In reality we are all constantly moving through time even when the night engulfs the light of day. Some travel through the skies, some stare at the stars and others toss the night away in the comfort of their own beds. One thing is certain for all of us is that we are all experience the passing of time at the same pace.

Sadness is not found in the night sky for myself and the passing of time does not frighten me. I have embraced the life I have been given and I have accepted the challenges that time has place on my shoulders. I will carry the weight of pain and illness everyday throughout my life. Every night I will throw my worries, fears and thoughts of loss up into the sky. It will be the burden of time that will be placed on the stars and for one moment I will seek relief through the beauty of the darkness and loose it in the void. For a moment I will loose my pain and suffering to the great abyss and as the stars wink back at me I know they are keeping me safe and tomorrows challenges will be met with a restful heart.

All of You

I have been huddled into a corner for so long and now a hand has emerged from the far distant light I can only see when I squint. I reluctantly take the hand with the hope that this hand will lead me to truth, life and love. I weightlessly hold my breath as time moves slow and the future continues to unfold. Where there was once fear and sadness is hope and laughter. Where the thought of time moving forward left me crumbled on the floor in a puddle of what used to be me I now stand tall and whole again not as I was before but how I should be now. 

I have stepped out of my past and into the arms of my future. These arms are strong and powerful. When wrapped around me I am safe from the outside world and even feel a sense of safety from myself. I feel overpowered by the love that is emanated from the heart that now beats for me and longs to see me when I am not there. I am made to feel beautiful when my body is whispering words of ugliness into my ears. The pain resonates in his heart due to the momentary defeat Lupus covers me in and he aches for me during the muffled cries of pain that can be heard when looking deep into my eyes, coming face to face with my soul. I am complete just as I am with the patched work of my past seen all over my body. These patches make me who I am and made me into the women he has grown to love oh so very much.

His love has challenged me in ways I could never have imagined. My whimsical way of looking at the world and twirling through everyday brings him out of his box and into the chaos only known as Danica's World. I look at him and see myself in his eyes and know that in front of me stands my future and I can not believe it was waiting for me all of this time. It patiently waited over the years as my heart prepared for this love. I would never go back and do anything different due to the fearful consequences that could result from one moment of change. I will take my scrapes and scratches because the hands that now heal me are the most gentle and kind hands I have ever felt. 

When a moment in time stops and we must choose to step forward we can not make the step without taking a piece of our past with us. In our hearts and souls we wish that new beginnings would truly be new and the pain from the past would not flow ever so gently under the closed door into the present. The best we can do is close our eyes and step into the light of today thankful to have another's hand to hold and hope for the best in our tomorrows. For I am not perfect, he is not perfect but together perfection can exist.

35

Today I celebrate my 35th year in this world. I look around and not everything is what I imagined but I realize everything is just as it should be. Bumps and bruises and heartbreaks and healing, I touch my toe to the water and the ripple begins.

When you stop and really examine what life has given you. You are faced with the reality of choices, the warmness of blessings and the heartbreak in things you can not change. You realize life has not turned out the way you expected. Some find themselves with families when their dream was to travel the world. Others find themselves single yet again and no we do not have the plague. Never mind the pity that washes over others when you hit THAT age and still have no children. Moments of your life that are raw and real for you become quite evident by others who find themselves happy that they are not in your shoes. Why does life's magic moments miss some and embark on others?

I can honestly say at the ripe young age of 20 I did not see me at 35 just as I am right now. I never imagined I would have to fight a disease that would debilitate my young body over time. I imagined a life with the unconditional love of an amazing man and little ones running under foot as I raced around picking up after them and their busy lives. No, I never I imagined I would be who I am or where I am at today.

Ok, collective sigh around the world in one......two.....three......BUT before you jump on that pity wagon let me give you a few other things to think about. While I may have missed my early in life forever love and not have started my family at a time deemed "appropriate" by some standards, I also never imagined the life I have had up to this point. I never imagined I would have had the brains capable of graduating from a university with a degree in accounting and finish on the Dean's List. I was told in high school that I would most likely be the president of a sorority named Kappa Kappa Sweetheart and drop out once I married. I always thought I would settle down the road from my family but nope, life handed me Arizona and even when it is hot I embrace it so tightly, maybe not as much in the summer! I never imagined I would explore Costa Rica, have explored Baja Mexico, Colorado, Utah and California from the back of a truck!!!!! I have surrounded myself with chosen family that laughs at my crazy antics, allows me to cry when I am in pain and surprises me with my favorite things. I have become a surrogate aunt to my friends little ones and have been blessed to watch a little one grow up in front of my eyes and I am still able to sleep in on the weekends!

I pose the question again, why do life's magic moments miss some and embark on others? The simple answer is that they don't.

What have you done for me lately?????

One may ask in selfish resentment.......what have you done for me lately? Darkness clouds the eyes and frustration fills your soul as you search for clues hidden beneath the moments in time. Answers are needed but open ended questions are what you are left with. Again you stare it in the face. Penetrating every ounce of what stands before you. You ask as tears roll down your cheek........what have you done for me lately????

Pain has washed over you moment after moment. Movement has been frozen in time and the wish  normalcy has once again been lost. In the wake that is left behind life is shattered, dreams are lost and you are left with what has crumbled around you. Slowly you bend over and slump to the ground and pick up the pieces. For the longest of time the pieces continue to just slip through your fingers. The ability to grasp is lost and you are paralized in the moment wishing that your will was enough to make the smallest of differences. A negative energy is the gift given in a pretty package. Pain and sleeplessness is the dessert after a four course meal and agony is paired with defeat. What have you done for me lately?????

As the question hangs in the air with defeat worn as a proud badge I look at it straight in the eye. A smile creaps into the darkness and light shines through. The heaviness in the air is swept away by a sweet breeze. You may burden me with pain and discourage me with road blocks but you have not defeated me. You may hurt my body and break my heart over and over but you have not stolen my hope. You follow me everywhere I go but what others see when I walk into a room is my bright eyes and radiant smile. You have not stolen my will and will never take away my joy. I will always look you right in the eye and challenge you to go ahead, try again.

As national lupus month comes to an end and most forget for another year the daily fight that occurs everyday for me, I stand up everyday to an invisible disease and continue to challange it. It may be a part of who I am but it has not and never will define me.

Reflection

In the stillness of the day and the quietness of the night I find myself reflecting on what is and what could be. I reflect on the new begining and focus on learning, trusting and loving once more. I feel hope restored, laughter tends to roll off of my lips and smiles radiate from the here and now as I twirl my way through the days. However; even in these intense moments of compleute and utter joy and hope I find myself wondering if my heart should be held tighter than ever to avoid the hurt that can result from so much love.

When I look into his eyes I see kidness, love and compassion. In his embrace I feel safe from the ugliness of the world. For the first time in a long time just the presence of arms around me and the intimacy of a touch of a hand as it embraces mine leaves me speechless. From the moment I knew that unconditional love existed I have searched around every bend and looked under every rock to find its exact hiding place. Is it possible that we have been searching for each other? Could he be the one who I have been waiting for all of my life? Has unconditional love finally entered into my world? I hold my breath waiting to see what the future holds in fear of breathing out and waking up from this dream that has now become my reality.

Ever so gently and cautiously I put my heart in someone elses hands for safe keeping. I trust unconditionally that happiness will overcome any possible heartache and time will finally be on our side. Life has not stopped but continues to move forward just as I must also do. Patience is required and time will continue to move ahead but I will wait with baited breath hoping that my moment in the sun has finally risen and will shine on day after day.