Sometimes I feel as if I am this tiny, miniature me in this giant world of harsh and terrifying obstacles I must muddle through. From the harshness of the outside world to inner heartache that sneaks up on you in the darkest moments of life. I feel as if I am staring up at everything and to get anywhere I must crawl through caves, climb steep cliffs and scoot over shelves without falling, tripping or just letting go and falling into the abyss that looms in the depths of the soul.
Lately I have just felt so overwhelmingly beat up........physically and emotionally. I crawl through everyday and find comfort as the sun sets because I have made it through yet another day. I close my eyes and breathe a sigh of relief because for the first time since my eyes opened earlier that day I can find peace in my dreams and the quietness of the dark night. I can relax into myself. The phone does not ring, decisions do not need to be made and my body gives in and can not demand anymore from me. It is the break my heart has been waiting for and it is time for the voices in my head to go silent even if it is only for a mere six hours. I am finding comfort in these moments and solace in the solitude of the night.
It has been months of struggle in every way imaginable. My body is fighting so hard everyday to keep itself going and I try so hard to push it to its very limits just so life does not pass me by. I want to be a part of the "in crowd" again. I want to be everywhere with everyone. I am done being left behind. However, once again my body has dictated something so different and I have found myself waving goodbye as life continues to rush by so fast that it has now become nothing but a flying blur. I feel as if I am trapped in this body! My mind is going a mile a minute and yet my physical form can not even comprehend what my mind is saying. My mind tells my legs to bend but as they bend they shake so bad that they collapse. My mind tells my arms to lift over my head and take in a giant morning stretch but the pain resonates as soon as my arms are at my shoulders. I have noticed that my right foot has turned slightly outwards to compensate for the pain in my hips when I walk. It is destruction on the most devastating level.........slow. My heart is broken by all of this and it breaks when I see the destruction it has on my loved ones. It hurts me so much to see others hurt because of these slow and painful changes. How do you cope with something you can not apologize for? How do you show sorrow for something that can not change? How do you lead as an example showing acceptance and love for yourself so that others will follow? You can't. You just let go.
I have almost crossed the finish line of 2013. I can see the light at the end of another very long tunnel and I am overcome by fear and excitement! Change is on the way for me and I am slowly warming up to the idea of change and new possibilities. I have hope for the future. Hope that this next year will be THE year that I am able to recover more and live better. I want to enjoy the moments of peace when my body is not demanding as much from me. I look forward to the moments of true happiness when the heart is not weighed down by fear and pain. Even through the tough times I find some way to hold on to hope and wonder for the endless possibilities in front of all of us. It is ok to break down and question life but to loose hope is not the way to live a life. So with my pockets filled with hope and possibilities I will focus on the light that is fast approaching and I may not be able to run across the finish line but I know I will get there with the help of my loved ones. I know if I can not walk myself that they will hold me up and they will carry me all the home.
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