Wave

Exhaustion starts rolling in like a storm in the distance. The darkness creeps over you an inch at a time until it engulfs your body as a whole. It is not the exhaustion one would get from not sleeping or tackling to much in one day. It is the exhaustion you tend to get when your body on the inside just gives in. It has fought a battle and it just needs to stop fighting for a moment and regain more momentum to take on the next intruder. It is the exhaustion that is always the precursor to pain, stiffness and swollen joints. Every move you make taps into the underlying exhaustion and just making it from one side of the room to the other takes a lot work. Chewing food leaves you feeling as if you have just ran a marathon and forget the shower, just standing can feel like to much at this point.

My poor little body has be fighting a simple ear infection for weeks. It is the simple ear infection that now leaves me exhausted and all tuckered out. The constant pain has worn out its welcome and my immune system just was not able to do this one on its own so it called for little helpers within my own body. Those little helpers were of no assistance and left the immune system to fend for itself. The only problem, I have the most uneducated immune system in the world! When my body shouts out that there is an infection my immune system jumps right on in, just not in the right area. Instead of dealing with my ear somehow it miss communicated with its soldiers and directed them to my hips this time. This has left me with a wobble and limp that even I have to laugh at or else I will break down and cry. With this crazy miss communication I now have hip wobbles AND the ear infection. Come on immune system lets get it together!!!!!!

With this new wave of exhaustion I am left staring into space on the verge of breaking down. I wonder when this one will end and relief will begin. Why must it last so long and why must it come more and more frequent over the last few years? With the mystery of Lupus I feel shamed to ask these kind of question because there really are no answers. It is a lesson in patience that I am afraid I may never fully learn or begin to understand.

With the new wave approaching I brace for its impact. I close my eyes and think of the moment the waters will calm and where my body will find some peace and a moment respite. Until then I must hold this chin high no matter how much it hurts and smile through the tears and wait for the sound of laughter to once again ring in my ears.