I am NOT sorry!

We are taught very early in life that when we hurt someone we have to say we are sorry. After that we need to be kind to the person we hurt so that they continue to know how sorry we really are. We never want to hurt anyone or make them cry. We never want to make anyone angry  and when we do we have to ask them for forgiveness.......this again is in the form of I am sorry. After this initial lesson is taught to each and everyone of us it helps to shape how we perceive others and how we want to be treated. For me I know I never wanted to hurt someone as a child and it has followed me through my life. I never want to make anyone sad or feel hurt by the things I say or the actions others see from me. In my mind and heart it is common sense. I would never want others to hurt me so why would I ever want to hurt them?

When I reflect over my life ever since I was diagnosed with a chronic illness, sorry has developed a different meaning in my life and others who suffer on a daily basis. Sorry tends to become an easy word shared by me to others for things I really should not feel sorry for. I should not be sorry that I am unable to go out and run around for an entire day. I should not have to feel sorry for medicine that keeps me alive making me so sick. I do not want to apologize when life is moving so fast and I physically can not keep up. Most important, I should not feel sorry for having Lupus. I hurt every moment of everyday and at times I close my eyes and picture myself listening ever so closely to my body........I imagine that my little cells and my little immune system whispering to me they are so sorry for hurting me but they are just so confused and they are not sure where to go in the mess of all that is my Lupus. 

I used to feel so sorry for my loved ones because they had to see me hurt so much and they would get frustrated when they did not understand. I used to apologize for not being able to make it to certain functions because it was to much for them to even step a side and try to see how sad it was for me to begin with. My pain and suffering made everyone so sad and even angry at times and because Lupus could not say sorry I always thought it was my responsibility to make THEM feel better and lost sight of the fact that I was left with no one making ME feel better. 

The cruelest thing about my Lupus is that it is not like anyone else's Lupus. Everyone's Lupus is as unique as  the individual it affects. That is what makes Lupus so challenging and leaves you feeling so alone. You can be in a room full of people and there will be times when you have never more alone in your entire life. You will be in an emergency room and no one can really help you so you become their medical mystery case for that shift. Doctors will record your symptoms and listen but are never really able to help the disease itself, they just make you as comfy as can be.  Family members start to see you as a burden and instead of just walking away punish you with feelings of anger and remorse that they carry everyday because someone they love needs to be taken care of a little more than expected. See, you can see where someone who is sick feels like they always have to apologize for something that they never will be able to control. 

You see, Lupus along with other autoimmune diseases flare up at the drop of a hat. The weather changes and you feel yucky, you did not sleep enough so you feel yucky and the little stressors in our everyday lives cause huge reactions from our diseases. Should we be sheltered from daily snags in our lives or hidden from all things that stress us all out? No, we just need to be handled with a little more sensitivity and a little more caution. We are like that very special plate that has been handed down from generation to generation. You bring it out to show everyone its beauty and so that everyone can see how important it is and enjoy it BUT you handle it with gentle hands and you may need to be  little more careful with it. 

I have Lupus and I would climb to the tallest mountain if my legs would let me and yell it for all the world to hear! I am not afraid of my disease and I know I deserve so much love despite my disease. I am beautiful even thought I carry around a giant purple L. I have a purpose in this life and it may not be the one I started out with years ago but I have grown into this purpose through understanding myself before and after my disease. I am not alone and I know there are others who have so much love and compassion to give to me. I should not be written off because I am sick but should be embraced because I have something to teach you. Do not run from me or hide from me. Do not bully me or be nasty to me. Love me ever so gentle with immense amounts of kindness and who know, maybe one day I will change your life not because I am sick but because of who I truly am despite being sick. 

http://lupus.donorpages.com/Arizona2013/PurplePeopleEater/

Today

I opened the window this morning and I took in a long breath and the cool damp air filled my lungs and brought joy to my heart. A smile crept onto my face and for a moment all was well with the world. Tim and I had breakfast and  just like every Saturday morning I saw him off on his bike ride. My world is exactly as it is supposed to be......filled with love and life. Then I remembered that not everything in this world today is right, there is great sadness that has filled my friends world. Today she will lay her husband to rest and her children will say goodbye to their dad. This is a reminder that we have today but tomorrow has never been promised to any of us.

The beauty of life and this world greets us every morning but there are so many mornings we take this for granted. We forget to tell our families we love them one more time before we step out of the door and into the world. We forget to show simple kindness to strangers because why worry about that today, we always have tomorrow. What if you didn't? What if you knew that all you had was today? What would you do? Would you sleep in past the calling of your alarm? Would you call in sick and spend every waking moment drinking in the love of your family? What would you do if you didn't have a tomorrow?

What we would each do does not matter, what matters is that you have a list and the list continues to get longer and longer because like the saying, why do today what you can put off until tomorrow. Stop adding to your list and do something right now! Spend a little more time with your family and make sure every moment they know how much they have been loved. Smile! I have heard people say that one simple smile from a stranger turned their entire day around. Make someones day with this simple gesture of warmness. Eat dessert before dinner and then again after. Show kindness to yourself. Accept your faults and love the moments in life that have made you who you are today. Forgive yourself for your shortcomings in the past and remember that many people love you just as you are in this moment. Be thankful for what you do have and stop worrying about what you don't and remember the only reason your neighbors grass is greener is because they do not mow it. 

We each have such a limited amount of time in this life. We do not know when our last day will be but we can prepare the world we leave behind by touching everyone's lives you come in contact with. Do not make your mark on this world by how you leave it, make your mark by the memories others will carry on. Love, laughter and kindness, you can not think about those words without smiling. So what are you waiting for? Decide today that those are your priorities and if for some reason your tomorrow never comes at least you didn't put off today what you could have done tomorrow.