Skin and Bones

You were real........you were real. I felt you, I saw you and you were growing with every beat of my heart. You were my special secret not yet shared with the rest of the world and now I am left mourning you alone. You are still there but only for a matter of days that feel like an eternity. You will leave me soon and I can not wrap my arms around the grief for it is too large for this world. Fighting through the thickness of the day smothers me. I can not breath as I listen and watch the world around me move so quickly. I wonder if anyone else is grieving in this moment binding us through feelings yet never having met. 

The books meant to guide me through the next nine months must be put back on the shelf. The stories that would fill our lives will be set aside for another place and time in this life of mine. As the hours pass our future disappears with the physical pain piercing and emotional anguish lingering. I just want to go back just in that moment of time where tears of joy were shed in the wake of knowing new life was forming. 

I can not bring myself to have our once daily conversations between a mother and their growing child. No amount of begging will keep you and the family who I have told you about will never hold you. However, I will hold you. I will hold you in my heart as my body physically lets you go. I will dream of you every moment of everyday. You will be embedded in my soul for the rest of my life. I will silently celebrate you on Mother's Day and I will quietly remember you on the day you were to be born. 

A mama becomes a mama the day they know their baby is growing inside. The attachment is formed and that unexplainable bond is immediate. I never believed this when others tried to explain and for a moment I was privileged enough to understand this indescribable sense of foreign emotion. Emotions that will force me to heal physically and learn to cope emotionally. Time will lessen the pain but the wound will leave a scar that I will carry as only I can.

Thank you from the bottom of everything that I am. Thank you for the brief joy that was felt. Thank you for showing me the possibility of what can be. Thank you for being the joy of my life for a short moment in time. I promise you I will one day cry less and laugh more. I promise you that I will be worthy of the gift you gave me. I will hold onto your memory and I will let go of you being the beginning of the rest of my life. I will not give up and one day I will have my rainbow after the waves of grief subside and roll onto the shore less and less. 

For now I will cry. For now I will be angry. For now I will feel the emptiness that is left in the shell of myself. For now I will celebrate that for a mere moment in time I was a mother and you were my child. 

Track Marks

The bruises are there for all to see but for me they are so much more. It is the story of my life running up and down my arms. The bruises radiate this ghoulish color of blue, yellow and I can even see a hint of purple poking its way through. Daily draws are not for everyone and even some feel faint at the simple thought of a needle piercing the skin. For me and for so many others it is a normal stop at the start of any day. 

These tiny pokes that wreak havoc on the smooth skin has lead to so many answers when doors were slammed in our faces. The drive we felt in our hearts pushed us to look for answers when everyone else around us just gave up. Family and friends would whisper sweet nothings in our ears painting pictures of everything just being in our own heads. Relationships are abandoned and voices quieted as determination fills our days as pain takes away our peaceful nights. What would have happened if we listened and followed those voices from those who claim love instead of standing on our own and standing up for ourselves??? Let me tell you what would have happened to me..........

If I would have listened to those who told me to just relax and rest and everything will be ok I am not sure I would even be here today. My immune system would have attacked my body and killed of MY building blocks of life. The damage to my joints would have made movement almost impossible. I could have suffered from a massive heart attack and stroke due to hidden cardiovascular disease that would not have been treated in a twenty something. My kidneys would have suffered from irreversible damage that is now monitored constantly. My adult onset asthma would have been shrugged off and the swelling my chest walls would go through could have been a silent killer spreading to the lining of my heart. The weight I gained in a short period of time would still be judged today as me giving up on myself when in fact my immune system had completely shut down my metabolism. Life would surely look a little different today had I listened to the voices of yesterday.

Going against the grain of life is not easy. Heartbreak is inevitable and time does not heal all wounds. Bravery is a quest to ask the hard questions today that leave us longing for the answers of tomorrow. We wear our scars from procedures, disease will leave a map on our souls and those track marks running up and down my arms do not have time to heal before the next is laid out before me. This life is not for the squeamish but for those who seek out the longevity of the future. I may not see a cure or live the longest life I would like but I still hold hope in my heart. I will carry my Lupus and ask the hard questions today just in the simple hope that one person.......just one person, will not have to in the future. I may be just one but I am one who can make a ripple in this life that will be felt by those yet to come. 

You Heal Me

It is Saturday morning and I moving a bit slower than I would like. As I stretch out of bed I hear the creaks and cracks. Instead of pushing it to the point of no return I decide to settle back into the warmth of the morning. I crawl back under the warm covers. I snuggle into the spot that still lingers where I left it. As time passes I look out of my squinty morning eyes and see the day once more for what it truly is. A new day to live, to experience and to create memories that will last me through many more slowly moving mornings.

I find myself able to think in these moments. When I am forced to stay still and focus on everything else in life but the pain that radiates through parts of my body that I never knew existed. This morning was one of those mornings for me. I started "The List". A list of everything I would like to be doing today, right now in this exact moment. The adventures that waited for me outside of my front door called my name. I reached for the handle unable to grasp it. The weakness apparent to my body, heart and soul. Those adventures would have to wait for another time and place. One where I was stronger than I am right now. I rolled over in bed and snuggled in even deeper. I decided I would go on my very own adventure in my very own way. 

I opened my blog and and traveled once more around the world...........

Today my adventure starts in Belgium. I picked brussel sprouts in the fields because they really DO grow in Brussels!!!!! What better way to wash down brussel sprouts that a tour around the country and try the 800 different beers that are made? Everyone knows what goes best after a night of beer tasting.......waking up to tables of chocolate laid out in front of me. Maybe I should live here permanently! Wait, there are so many more adventure yet to come today. Off we go to our next stop.........

Germany is where one side of my family originates from and where I will find the town my married name originates from. To say it has history for me is an understatement! The first thing I will do in Germany is visit the over 700 zoological gardens, aquariums, animal preserves and safari parks. I am an animal lover so I have to stop off at the largest zoo in the world in Berlin, Zoologischer Garden! Whew, after all of the animal watching I am exhausted but hold on tight we are just getting started!

The beauty of Switzerland surrounds me. I am taken back by the towering mountains that surround me. I am in awe of their beauty and of course, THE SNOW! I am not one to ski but I can still appreciate the breathtaking beauty this time of year has to offer. I decide to spend the day on a toboggan run. Wait, I am just in time for the international sled dog race! That is not all.....I take a train to warm my insides before I step out and walk through Top of Europe Ice Magic. I think this is the perfect end to this amazing Winter adventure!

Onto France I go where I have decided to stay inside and enjoy what the warmness has to offer. I tour museum after museum! I see paintings I have only seen in art books. I look into the eyes of the past as it collides with the present. I walk along cobbled streets to taste everything I can find! I listen to the language exchange around me and fall in love with smooth sounds. I venture from the city to see castles and immerse myself in history. Finally I find myself in Corsica. I see once more where the sea touches the sand and my toes dance frantically through the waves. Simplicity has once more calmed my inner turmoil and I finally feel the reset of life. 

My final stop is my most profound. I feel the warm sun kiss my cheeks as I look up at the sun in Israel. I find myself on Biblical land that even I can not grasp. I hike to The Atari Ruins. I am walking in between stone walls that have been in place since the time of the Second Temple. I get lost throughout the Luzit Caves and my adventurous side decides to repel through this maze. I drive through the Judean Hills and get lost in the beauty. I see the shelf like structures built into the hillside where once more they are reviving ways of ancient agriculture. I watch the water beautifully channeled to different crops and wonder why this ever had to end. I wonder if this......my adventure my way ever has to end.......

Thank you. Thank all of you. You read my words and whisk me away to the deepest parts of the world that I never imagined I would touch. I travel everyday with each of you. I find myself in the hot desert, glorious mountains and experiencing the rich history all of you have to offer. Because of you I travel around the world. I may not be able to even get out of bed but my adventures never end. You fill me with hope and wonder and teach me everyday. I am forever grateful and truly feel blessed by the love that is shared through the words from one's heart and soul. You move me. You awaken my soul. You heal me.