Hope in the face of uncertainty and belief in the hour of darkness is what separates joy from neverending sorrow. Knowing there is more than what is seen on the surface drives us to scratch until happiness emerges. We do not settle for what is now but continue to plan for the ever changing future. Moments overwhelm me where it is hard to decipher when I am on the path of hope or pure uninterrupted belief. We navigated the most foreign terrain this past year not knowing how to even survive hour by hour.....day by day. Through sorrow and loss I now know the difference between hope and true unwavering belief........today I believe.
No more treatments I said to the fertility nurse over the phone. After a year of the highest of highs followed by the lowest of lows I could not continue. Our family did not start in this type of pain and uncertainty and now we had to decide not to allow it to end. As I was reminded daily.....this is just a stop along the way. Our journey truly did not begin here nor would it end here. This is part of the plan. A plan I shook my head at and cursed at in the early hours of the day as night loosened its grip. It was time to dig deep, release my grip and hope.
As weeks turned into months my heart felt fuller than I had imagined it could after such deep pain. My life was devoted to littles who needed me not as a mother but as a friend, a voice for their quiet whispers. I found something larger than myself and jumped in feet first, eyes closed and nose pinched. I flailed a bit but found a way to swim in the murky waters. I realized my life vest was always there and was hanging on to me for dear life. I had to choose to swim so we could each take a deep breath. Jumping in with tears streaming down my cheeks, I emerged with laughter and the tears were no longer visible.
These days calmness washes over me. I can not put my finger on it but a true sense of peace wakes me every morning and whispers in my ear every night. It tells the story of hope that one holds on to until they can truly say they believe. It is not a fairy tail that starts well, meanders through fear and triumphs in the end. It is terrifying from the beginning and it is the heroine who decides when enough is enough. Only they can decide when the scary shadows are just a reflection of their own surroundings. It is a story of power yet uncertainty. It is starting the journey not knowing how it will end. It is embracing the bumps along the way and not wandering around them but facing them and making the difficult climb over the tallest of mountains.
I have climbed my mountain and now I am resting. Over the tallest mountain I climbed. Uncertainty ringing in my ear every step of the way. Having hope that this is part of my story, part of my plan. As I reached the summit I saw the sun rise and felt it warm my soul. In that moment I knew I just knew that this was my story, my plan.
I had no idea that the day I stomped my foot and declared no more treatment to my nurse would I be opening a door to something once thought impossible. Yesterday I hoped and today I feel every change. My tummy is starting to grow to accommodate the miracle wiggling inside. The days I am not sick are wonderful but the days I find myself in a marathon to the bathroom leave me exhausted but remind me that this is real. Little one is strong and making his or her mama very sick.
Yesterday I cried tears of sorrow as the reality of me being a mama faded but by the grace of God today I cry tears of joy for the miracle I am witnessing. I was right, my family would not be created amongst the sorrow of loss, not even in the hope of the future. My little one is growing on what can only be explained as true unwavering belief.
From our growing family to yours......Merry Christmas everyone!!! This season is filled with miracles and our family has had the joy of witnessing one first hand. Be thankful, be grateful and be kind. Believe in the magic that surrounds us all this time of year.
***We found out we were going to be blessed with our little Miracle Baby a few months ago. There were no doctors involved this time!!!! We have seen the little bug three times and saw the heartbeat the day after Thanksgiving. On December 9th we not only saw the little flicker but heard the strongest heartbeat!!!!! Our little miracle will be joining the world in July 2017.***
