Grown Up Christmas Wish

My fondest memories of a child were the night before Christmas. My grandma would call and read me the infamous story and my sister and I would crawl into bed. In the early years we would sleep together, well, lay together and wait anxiously for the sound of sleigh bells and pawing of reindeer hoofs on the roof. We would go into giggle fits and try our hardest to just go to sleep because we knew morning would come a bit sooner that way. However, most Christmas Eves went without a single ounce of shut eye and an early rising the following morning to see what Santa had left us! We woke to dolls, barbies and even new beds one year! We were the luckiest kids in the world and our parents made sure we felt extra special on the most important holiday for a child.

Oh how times have changed! Now with growing families we find ourselves wrapping presents, helping little hands leave out cookies for Santa and praying that they sleep in for one more hour on this exciting morning. The child wonder may have drifted onto the next generation but the magic of the holiday has never faded in our hearts. I seem to notice family traditions a bit more and long for them all year. I tend to want time to tick by a bit slower so I can just go on one more drive around the neighborhood to see all the twinkling lights! The presents under the tree bring so much excitement and joy but not because they are mine but instead of the anticipation of others opening the gifts you put your heart and soul into and seeing them smiling ear to ear when they see the surprise inside! That wonder has never faded from my heart and I hold on to it year after year. 

This Christmas I find my heart longing for dreams and magic wishes I hope to come true this Christmas morning. My wishes are of finding happiness and contentment in a life that I now call my own. I long for days where pain is relieved physically and emotionally. I look forward to finding acceptance and love not just on Christmas but through out the entire year. I want days to be filled with joy and excitement. I wish that I could make a difference in the world, not just during the holidays but everyday. I would love to leave a path on this earth that my family can continue to explore long after I am gone. I wish that Lupus would take a few more days off and leave me with a much needed vacation from the daily ups and downs one goes through with a chronic condition. I long to turn on the news and hear good tidings and joyous news of love and compassion. I want the world to continue to become a better place so that when I bring my family into it I have faith not only in myself as a parent but in the world as a whole. I want every day to hold a bit of magic that we can all hold on to. 

My Christmas wishes can not be wrapped in a box adorned with a bow. You can not touch it or taste it. It is not something you can physically give to me but none the less it is real. I am no longer a child but I still have a heart that continues to hope, dream and believe that all things are possible......especially during this magical time of year. I may be a grown up but after all I can still have my own grown up Christmas wish. 

Carry Me Home

Sometimes I feel as if I am this tiny, miniature me in this giant world of harsh and terrifying obstacles I must muddle through. From the harshness of the outside world to inner heartache that sneaks up on you in the darkest moments of life. I feel as if I am staring up at everything and to get anywhere I must crawl through caves, climb steep cliffs and scoot over shelves without falling, tripping or just letting go and falling into the abyss that looms in the depths of the soul. 

Lately I have just felt so overwhelmingly beat up........physically and emotionally. I crawl through everyday and find comfort as the sun sets because I have made it through yet another day. I close my eyes and breathe a sigh of relief because for the first time since my eyes opened earlier that day I can find peace in my dreams and the quietness of the dark night. I can relax into myself. The phone does not ring, decisions do not need to be made and my body gives in and can not demand anymore from me. It is the break my heart has been waiting for and it is time for the voices in my head to go silent even if it is only for a mere six hours. I am finding comfort in these moments and solace in the solitude of the night. 

It has been months of struggle in every way imaginable. My body is fighting so hard everyday to keep itself going and I try so hard to push it to its very limits just so life does not pass me by. I want to be a part of the "in crowd" again. I want to be everywhere with everyone. I am done being left behind. However, once again my body has dictated something so different and I have found myself waving goodbye as life continues to rush by so fast that it has now become nothing but a flying blur. I feel as if I am trapped in this body! My mind is going a mile a minute and yet my physical form can not even comprehend what my mind is saying. My mind tells my legs to bend but as they bend they shake so bad that they collapse. My mind tells my arms to lift over my head and take in a giant morning stretch but the pain resonates as soon as my arms are at my shoulders. I have noticed that my right foot has turned slightly outwards to compensate for the pain in my hips when I walk. It is destruction on the most devastating level.........slow. My heart is broken by all of this and it breaks when I see the destruction it has on my loved ones. It hurts me so much to see others hurt because of these slow and painful changes. How do you cope with something you can not apologize for? How do you show sorrow for something that can not change? How do you lead as an example showing acceptance and love for yourself so that others will follow? You can't. You just let go.

I have almost crossed the finish line of 2013. I can see the light at the end of another very long tunnel and I am overcome by fear and excitement! Change is on the way for me and I am slowly warming up to the idea of change and new possibilities. I have hope for the future. Hope that this next year will be THE year that I am able to recover more and live better. I want to enjoy the moments of peace when my body is not demanding as much from me. I look forward to the moments of true happiness when the heart is not weighed down by fear and pain. Even through the tough times I find some way to hold on to hope and wonder for the endless possibilities in front of all of us. It is ok to break down and question life but to loose hope is not the way to live a life. So with my pockets filled with hope and possibilities I will focus on the light that is fast approaching and I may not be able to run across the finish line but I know I will get there with the help of my loved ones. I know if I can not walk myself that they will hold me up and they will carry me all the home. 

Broken Heart

I was not the easiest teenager to deal with. I snuck out, liked boys and tried to do everything I was told not to. Oh yes, I rebelled! I tested the waters around my mama's nerves until I found the one I could jump on the most and boy did I jump! I challenged her at every door we came to. I questioned everything she said and fought with her as much as I could. Through all of this she showed me what true unconditional love was. After all of that she was still my sanctuary. She was my calm in the storm. She guided me through the rough patches of life growing up and reiterated how this too shall pass. She cradled me when I cried over boys and mended my broken hearts with the kindness of words and the most gentle touch. My heart was glass to her that should never be dropped or broken. 

Broken heart.......how is that two words can break a soul, tear a person apart and leave you feeling empty? It leaves you laying on the grown in a pool of your own tears. No one can pick you up off of the floor. You just have to lay there in this pain that reaches so deep inside of you until you are ready to pick yourself up. You lay in this silence inside yourself with this pain just wanting to weigh you down. Life at that moment looks so bleak and you feel as if nothing in the world will make this broken heart, broken soul and broken spirit better again. You wonder if this ache will be there forever or will it in fact hurt a little less tomorrow, a little less a week from now and even more in a year. You feel helpless as if your life has been stolen from you and your love has been lost. Every moment of the past is in question and you hurt so much that it is hard to even look towards the future. The you realize that life must move forward and time will not pause for you to mend. You slowly wake up from the shock you feel coursing through your veins and are left with the emptiness where your heart used to be. It is at this moment that you must stop and look at your tears that have stained your life and choose who you are going to be. Are you going to be the one who is damaged by this one moment in your life or are you going to stand up, dust yourself off and slowly mend your wound with a sock monkey band aid? Are you going to let this moment define who you are or are you going do define who you are in this moment? 

I have and will always choose the latter of the two. I can and always will pick myself up off the ground as slowly as I need to and instead of dusting off myself I will change my clothes and start fresh and move forward. I will allow myself to cry, be angry and sad as needed but I will always get back up. I will be life's little punching bag and always come right back at it after it attempts to knock me down. My heart may be scratched but I will not let it scar. I will allow myself time to heal and only when I am ready, I will take my band aid off. Until then, I will wear it and slowly mend. I will find myself in this life again and find my path I am supposed to take. I will guard my heart and soul. I will carry it around in a box and be ever so careful as to not drop or break it again. 

The Ride of Your Life

I wish with all my heart that I could say I have only experienced compassion and understanding when it comes to being sick but I would be lying. I wish that I could tell the younger generation who have yet to experience chronic illness or disease that the world will be more open and understanding when it comes to their individual struggles and pain. I want to tell them that tomorrow you will have the help you need and the love and support from the world you were born into. I want to say that I struggled today so that your tomorrow will be better and your life will be easier. 

Instead I have to look at someone who was just diagnosed and tell them that they will not only have to fight for their life on a daily basis within their own body but that they will have to fight for the rest of their life against a society that looks down on those who are ill or may not contribute in the way that the world as whole thinks is appropriate. You will be judged, scrutinized and called a liar for the aches and pains your disease will inflict on you. Something that you did not choose will be your scarlet letter. They will point, laugh and kick you when you are down. You will have to tell your story over and over to deaf ears and minds that are closed off to anything that is not their reality. You will have to develop a thick skin not only for the needles that you are poked with but against the needles that fly out of other mouths mocking you when you wobble down the street. Hold on to that heart of yours and the soul that smiles through the pain. You will need them to pick yourself up on days when no one else is around. People will tell you you are not good enough or smart enough because of the cloud of fog that engulfs your brain. Jobs will come and go once they see how sick you really are and how there is no longer room for you when your body falls a little short. Friends will tire of you and walk away and loved ones who promised to never leave dig out a one way ticket  to anywhere but here. Life will not be easy and there will be days you kick and scream and throw fits you thought you left behind as a toddler. But do not worry because you are not alone.

Others will be going through the same trials as you. You will find that someone has already went through this years ago and can guide you along life with encouraging words and strength that you have yet to find in your young years of disease. Always remember that if today seems dark there will be sun again. If your loved ones have run away and left you behind look around and you will not only see that some remained but the ones that are still there with you are the strongest souls you could have ever wished for. You will find love from the most unassuming of places and hands will reach from the dark to help you only to later shed light on their faces. These faces will be your support group who will not only see you through today but will never leave your side tomorrow. They will remind you that you are worth every breath you take and that their lives are actually better because you are in it. You will discover your most inner strength that most will never uncover. After so many years you will finally have the courage to look in the mirror and you will see that the frail person you once saw is now replaced with an inspirational soul that no one will ever be able to kick around again. Until then, strap yourself in and hold on tight because it is going to be a bumpy ride. 

Wave

Exhaustion starts rolling in like a storm in the distance. The darkness creeps over you an inch at a time until it engulfs your body as a whole. It is not the exhaustion one would get from not sleeping or tackling to much in one day. It is the exhaustion you tend to get when your body on the inside just gives in. It has fought a battle and it just needs to stop fighting for a moment and regain more momentum to take on the next intruder. It is the exhaustion that is always the precursor to pain, stiffness and swollen joints. Every move you make taps into the underlying exhaustion and just making it from one side of the room to the other takes a lot work. Chewing food leaves you feeling as if you have just ran a marathon and forget the shower, just standing can feel like to much at this point.

My poor little body has be fighting a simple ear infection for weeks. It is the simple ear infection that now leaves me exhausted and all tuckered out. The constant pain has worn out its welcome and my immune system just was not able to do this one on its own so it called for little helpers within my own body. Those little helpers were of no assistance and left the immune system to fend for itself. The only problem, I have the most uneducated immune system in the world! When my body shouts out that there is an infection my immune system jumps right on in, just not in the right area. Instead of dealing with my ear somehow it miss communicated with its soldiers and directed them to my hips this time. This has left me with a wobble and limp that even I have to laugh at or else I will break down and cry. With this crazy miss communication I now have hip wobbles AND the ear infection. Come on immune system lets get it together!!!!!!

With this new wave of exhaustion I am left staring into space on the verge of breaking down. I wonder when this one will end and relief will begin. Why must it last so long and why must it come more and more frequent over the last few years? With the mystery of Lupus I feel shamed to ask these kind of question because there really are no answers. It is a lesson in patience that I am afraid I may never fully learn or begin to understand.

With the new wave approaching I brace for its impact. I close my eyes and think of the moment the waters will calm and where my body will find some peace and a moment respite. Until then I must hold this chin high no matter how much it hurts and smile through the tears and wait for the sound of laughter to once again ring in my ears. 

My Closet

Ten.......nine......eight.......seven........six........five.......four.......three.........two.......one............ready or not here I come!!!!!!!!!! My breath is held so tight because I know if I let out the smallest of breath my friends will find me and I will be it!!!!!!! So....I must......hold......my breath. I FOUND YOU!!!!!!! Finally I could burst out of my closet I had been hiding in!!!!!! Those dark corners were getting awful deep in there and that scarf really was reaching for me !!!!!! Dark closets are the best hiding places when you are playing but one of the darkest, scariest and most solitude places you could find yourself in at age six. Who knew that for the rest of our lives we would all be hiding and running in and out of closets when the coast was clear. 

When you are a younger you really truly struggle to find who you are. You surround yourself with people who you like in hopes that maybe, just maybe a little bit of their outgoing personality, their ability to get amazing grades or their strong sense of style will smudge off on you......you know, just a bit. You start to build yourself up with tiny blocks that have been influenced by the world around you. Some of the influences are wonderful and beautiful and some can be scary and not so nice. But in the end, it is all of those building blocks and all of those experiences that add up and make you who you are today. No matter what YOU see when you look inside of yourself someone else will see uninterrupted raw beauty that has taken form inside your soul.

Tim and I met through a mutual friend. We had both left relationships that were not right and we were looking to just have fun and experience life but what happened was that we experienced each other. We found true friendship on dirt roads and a growing admiration for one another on top of mountains between bites of a hamburger and very gross beer! Regardless, we found each other while searching for ourselves. 

I knew Tim was special from the beginning. He made me laugh all the time and the moments of silence between us were so comfortable and never had an uneasiness about them. We tried to force ourselves to eat dinner at our own houses but we always found an excuse to see each other every single day. One thing that Tim did not know was that I was hiding in a closet of my own. I had Lupus. I had met someone amazing and now I had to take the person he saw and mark her up with the truth of my life. I knew if I wanted to keep someone so special in my life my secret would have to be shared and I would have to emerge out of the dark closet and leave the scarf that I swore reached for behind me once again. 

It was a normal moment in a normal day. Tim was getting ready for work and I was all ready myself. I went into the bathroom, sat down and blurted out to Tim that I had Lupus. I was sick and I would always be sick. I explained to him that my immune system is sooooooooooo active that it can not fight the common cold that my body runs into because it is to busy fighting itself. I went on to tell him how my Lupus at that time was attaching my joints, muscles, brain and lungs. It could possibly attach other organs in the future or it could decide to give me a break. He took it all in and asked very few questions and we went our separate ways for the remaining part of the day. That was the longest day of my life. I had just told my best friend and someone who I could possibly love that the person they saw everyday was flawed in a way that could never be fixed. My heart ached at the thought of this being to much for Tim and my stomach turned over just wondering what he could be thinking. Finally towards the end of the day Tim called and asked what I wanted to do for dinner. 

I was terrified to share the hardest thing I had to go through in my life because I was so insecure with it myself. I put up walls, built a ceiling and boxed myself in. I was afraid to share something that was scary to me and I was terrified that someone else would not accept something that I had obviously not accepted myself. I had no idea that by sharing my Lupus with Tim would allow me to share my story with the world. I have learned over the years that disease does not define me, what defines me is how I handle my disease. There are hard days and days I cry but there are also beautiful days that are filled with smiles. I have learned that I am not damaged, I am special. I am not ugly when my hair falls out but even more beautiful because you can see me more clearly. Through the pain and tears there is joy and laughter. Time is not something that passes so quickly but is something that I have earned with grace. For me life is love and tomorrow may not be promised but today is. 

Life

Wow!!!!! We are here again this year. This day, this time last year I would never have expected to be where I am at. Honestly, if you would have asked me seven years ago if I would ever have a life filled with adventure, the truest love ever imagined and friendships that would fill my longing heart I would have replied with a worried laugh. I would stop and think in wonder, how could that life be mine?? Well, it has!!!!!!

For those of you who do not know me personally I went through a very difficult life changing experience that brought sadness and a sense of fear and lonesomeness I cold never imagine. I was twenty-seven. I was alone and I had Lupus. Would I be able to be loved the way everyone deserves or will my disease run off every open heart that I would come in contact with? I thought at times who would love someone with challenges that may increase over time. Could someone look past the ever presence of illness and wrap their arms around me and carry my heart so carefully through the bumps and bruises of life? It took some time and a lot of contemplating in order to come to peaces with who I am and to accept I was sick but that did not mean I could not experience life and every ounce of it that had been destined for just me. Then one day I woke up and everything was so clear to me and I realized I am special and there is love waiting for me and a family of friends who would surround me and protect me no matter how close to the burning fire we would get. 

I removed my heart from its locked box in my chest and stitched it onto my sleeve. I wiped the sleep for my eyes that blocked my view of the word and stretched my body so that I would be able to accept all love headed my way and I waited. It did not take long but as the next few years marched on love engulfed me in its thin veil of beauty. It touched every inch of who I was and always had been. Sadness was replaced with laughter and lonesomeness was replaced with acceptance and joy. My life truly began and life was and still is an amazing adventure everyday I am here with my loved ones. 

Hallelujah

I hated roller coasters as a kid! My mama would try to talk me into riding them but at the very last minute I would hop over the seat and patiently wait for my mama and sister to ride and collect me at the exit post. I did try them and at one point even grew to tolerate them but the thing I disliked the most was that tick tick tick on your way up and the moment where you slowly crest over the top of the giant hill and downnnnnnnnn you would go!!!!!! My breath left my lungs and left me scared silly!!!! I remember in high school being the one person who would pay full admission just to jump over that little seat!!! I do not find myself in a position where I am having to jump over roller coaster seats anymore but there are still hills I come to in my life where when I crest and start the roll down my breath leaves me stunned and waiting for that one gasp that will bring me back to life. 

Today I felt the breath leave my lungs as I slowly read a post from a friend. Another Lupus patient lost his battle at the young age of 36. The post shared the details of his daily battle that raged on against his heart and kidneys. It took me to a few years ago when one of my sweetest friends Briney lost her beautiful young sister to Lupus. What I struggle with the most is that this will not be the last time we loose a brave soldier to this battle. Loss for us sends a wave of sadness and anger through my system and slowly as those feelings creep away I am engulfed in fear......I have this disease that has claimed another life and I am 34 and he was only 36. There is no cure and as I have mentioned before most medications we use to treat our Lupus can cause side effects that leave you wondering if the progression of the disease itself feels worse than the medication used to save your life. It is a double edge sword that cuts so deep and leaves wounds that will scar you for the rest of your life. 

I am kneeling here in front of all of you, in front of the world, asking.....begging you to not forget about us. Remember us when you are running down the street because most days we can not run to the other side of the house. Remember us when you cough in public because those germy germs wreak havoc on our sensitive immune systems. Remember us always but pitty us never. Be our friends, our support system and the ones who will love us always. Do not get frustrated when plans have to change because we are not feeling well today. Jump for joy and celebrate with us on the days we do get out into the world! Offer kind words of encouragement because those are the words that help us get out of bed in the morning. Be patient as we tag along behind you and remember to turn around and just smile letting us know you know we are still back here. Some will shake this off because they are just one person and one person can not make a difference. They are so wrong! All the difference in the world has been made because of one person standing up and stating to the world, I am here to help and I will be heard. 

As we mourn the loss of another Lupus family member let our hearts fill with comfort that our brother in pain is resting peacefully and will not suffer through this disease anymore. He has closed his eyes for the last time leaving a body that may not have always been kind to him but also leaving the world a bit better because of the contribution he made as a long time survivor. 

Fall

As a little one I used to love to play outside. The longer the better!!!!! Summer was always such a hard time for this because in Ohio days lasted well into the night and up to bed I would have to go while the sun still lit my room with a glowing haze. I could close my eyes and feel the warmth and hear the kids who were allowed to continue to play calling to me asking if I would like to play hide and seek. I would lay in bed fighting off the drowsiness and showing my mom who the boss was by pouting right up until the exhaustion of the day washed over me. As summer moved along and we crept closer to fall the days would become shorter and bedtime was not a fight anymore because outside in the cool crisp air was the sound of silence as all the little kids in the neighborhood were put to bed in anticipation of the following morning.  Fall had begun and changes were all around!!!!

As fall creeps into the desert changes are not as noticeable as the ones seem throughout the Midwest. Leaves do not change, jackets are not needed and yes, you can still swim during the day. However, in the deepest darkest hour of the night I can sneak out my back door and feel the chill that fills the air and I know at that moment the unbearably hot days of the everlasting desert summer are finally coming to an end. It is here in this moment where I stop and realize change is knocking on the front door of all of our homes. 

Take a moment to really open your eyes next time you are at the store, driving in your car or walking on the sidewalk. You will see the seasonal sections in stores turn from bright summer smiles to the warm hues of fall featuring ornate oranges, glittering golds and beautiful browns. Pumpkins are popping up on doorsteps and your neighbors are finally stretching their arms after a long summers rest. Change is seen everywhere and excitement comes in waves. Holidays are approaching and families will be reunited over the upcoming months. It is a joyous time filled with thankfulness and opportunity all wrapped up in a pumpkin shaped box.

Do not let the leaves feel alone as they drop to the ground. Take the time to exam your days and make changes where needed and find strength in the joy of this change. As you bundle up shed the layers of fear, pessimism and hurt. Breathe in the clean crisp air and let it fill your heart. Let go of pain you feel or regret that carries you from day to day. Shed your own leaves so that you too can emerge as a stronger person in the spring. Collect your memories and cherish them in your hearts. Allow the world to see just how beautiful you truly are.

Self Worth

As little kids our parents shower us with compliments and they never let you believe that anything is out of your reach. My parents always told me I could be anything I wanted and they truly made me feel special as I recall from my earliest memories. I had parents who encourage me to try out for things, join groups and be a part of teams. I was a shy little one and very clumsy but some how I was a dancer! I felt alive on stage and had no fear. I thank my parents for instilling that remarkable trait in me and nurturing it as I grew up. I knew I was loved every moment of everyday and knew that there was not a day that would ever go by that my parents would not do everything in their power for me. It was a remarkable way to grow up and this belief in myself has helped shape me into the person I have become. 

Believe me, I was no angel growing up and probably caused all the grey hairs my parents have. I fell on my face so many times and when I thought it was impossible to get back up there was the hands that loved me lifting me off the ground and back onto my feet where I was safe. I was told that everyone makes mistakes, gets bad grades and struggles with right and wrong and that it was normal. It was in the beauty of making mistakes where you learn life's most precious lessons. Lessons that will be stored in your tool box for life. 

When I put on my big girl shoes and ran out into the real world I knew I was prepared for everything because of the life lessons and love I had experienced as a little one. I was armed with knowledge that would lead to a great job and further education. I was armed with forgiveness that would need to be called on. I was armed with acceptance that I am perfect just the way I am. One thing no one thought I would ever need to know about is what do you do when you are sick and you will never get better.

Lupus is so tough. You can not see it from the outside but hose who suffer, suffer from the inside. Lupus is unpredictable and has a way of stealing your tools in your life's tool box and never returning them. Little by little overtime Lupus changes you. It may not be a change you like or even have control over. It takes your ability to function in a normal everyday life away. It takes away those hopes and dreams that your parents told you were always possible. There are moments where you feel as if all of your self worth has been taken and that wonderful self esteem you have always had is now missing. You look and look for where it may have been hidden and you pray that one day you can find it and remind yourself who you truly are again! Until then you are left with a shell of a person and you have to fill that person back up. But how do you choose what to fill it up with?????

I have chosen to fill my shell of a new Lupus body up with the smell of fall leaves, the thankfulness of thanksgiving and the joy of Christmas and lets not forget the renewal we all feel when the first tulip blooms in the spring. All moments in our lives that stir up happiness, hope and joy! Rare moments that we long to capture and hold on to for the remaining of the year. 

Yes, you change when you become sick. You readjust your expectations in life and set new goals for yourself. You will fall on your face and again you will be picked up by the hands who love you and you will carry on. You will learn to accept yourself as this new person and you will learn to love who you are even with the creeks and cracks you feel when you move. I know the stars are not my limits and I can get to anything I want and be anyone I want to be. How am I so sure you ask, well, because my mom and dad still tell me so. 

Resilience

When I look up the definition of resilience it states that resilience is ones ability to recover quickly from difficulties and or toughness. Back in May one of my amazing friends, Sara, who is such a firm supporter of me and my Lupus emailed me the details of an essay contest. The only criteria was that you had to be someone who fights a daily battle against a chronic disease and it had to be about someone in your life that inspires resilience in your fight. After some deep thinking I decided I would enter the essay contest!!!! The contest ended at the end of July and we the winners would be notified by email before August 12, 2013. 

August 12 was fast approaching and I had never received the email so I thought that I just had not made the cut and that was ok because just the act of writing my essay filled my heart with such joy! August 11 was here and I finally broke the news to Tim that I had not received the email and he reassured me that it was ok. Well, that night I received THE email!!!!!! I had won the entire essay contest with my essay title Pigtails!!!!! I was so excited!!!!! I was actually in the middle of a flare so to all of our surprise I had a surge of energy and jumped around the house celebrating my news with Tim and our buddy Brandt!!!!!

Now that the excitement has settled down I wanted to take a moment and post my essay on my blog and share it with all of you!!!!!! I hope you enjoy the story of who inspires resilience in my life every single day!!!!!! For you my Lauren........who turns five this week!!!!

PIGTAILS

Everyday I wake up and fight a battle that I can not see but can feel from my head to each and every toe. It is a battle that has changed my life and has altered what my future will look like. Some look at me in pitty and others embrace me with love and understanding. Today, just like yesterday and tomorrow I will wake up fighting Lupus.

The sun comes up and every morning and I lay so still waiting to see what my body is going to tell my brain. Did I sleep well enough to get out of bed? Will the pain and stiffness be minor this morning? Will it be a day full of creaks and cracks as my joints settle into my daily activities? No matter what the answers are to those questions the sun rising brings one consistent moment, complete and utter love and happiness. 

You see, for me and everyone with a chronic condition the support system that surrounds you is just as vital as the medication the doctors prescribe you. Knowing you are loved unconditionally and supported no matter what comes that day leaves a peacefulness that fills my heart every moment I am here. Please, do not get me wrong, there are moments of fear that I can not put into words and days where the tears flow so much more that the movements of my own body but I also know complete joy and love. In the many faces of my support system there is one that lights my face up and one that can make any day a wonderful day without sickness. This little face is dusted with baby deer spots (her little freckles), red hair and a smile that lights up my world. It just so happens she wears her hair in pigtails.

My little Lou Lou (Lauren) was delivered to us four years ago and is the daughter of my beautiful sister. She is my very first niece and has made my heart and life grow more than I ever thought one person could. She is full of energy and never stops! She swims, eats popsicles in the heat of the day and dances her way around her life. When Lauren looks at me she sees her fun Aunt Danica who loves to read her stories, tuck her into bed and sneaks bites of her pizza. To Lauren I am not sick, I am just wonderful as I am. It is the simplicity of how she sees me and the love that she continues to give that has changed my life and keeps me moving even on the days when it hurts. I want to stay healthy because I want to see her grow up to be the beautiful women she will one day be. I want to see her off to college and be there when she gets married. I want to sit next to my sister as she has grandchildren and rock the day away like all grandmas do. She makes me want to live. 

I never knew that something so small would change my life so much but the tiny little package Lou Lou comes in is an enormous gift to the world. I am so thankful for her every moment of everyday! When I am sad or hurting I just close my eyes. I see the bubbly little four year old running to me yelling my name! She is in a yellow sundress and her smile is from ear to ear. I see the love that she emanates and if I close my eyes long enough I will also feel the joy fill my heart as I watch those little red pigtails run my way. 

http://www.chronicresilience.com/2013/08/19/danica-who-inspires-you-to-be-chronically-resilient/

http://www.creativeaffirmations.com/pigtails-lupus-resilience.html

Acceptance.....Love......Hope

As a little girl you always want to be surrounded by love and friends. The thought of not being accepted by those around you can cause so much heartache and loneliness in a world you are learning to navigate through. I always thought that the worries of acceptance and longing to be a part of something would diminish as I grew older. The little things in life would wash away and would leave a clean slate to start over with in my big girl shoes. Hope filled my heart as I struggled at times knowing that through growth, experience and knowledge I would learn to leave behind heartache and only embrace what was right for me. This may have been a little girls dream that would hopefully lead her into a big girls world. However, I have seen the insecurities and need for belonging continue in my life over the years. I have grown older and I truly feel wiser in some aspects of life but the need to be happy, wanted and loved has not changed and will never leave and will always be a longing I feel in my heart. 

One thing did seem to change as I grew older.......I became sicker and sicker more often than not leaving me with so many questions and fears that clouded every moment of my life. As rocks were turned over and answers were slowly collected it became clear that the life I had always believed I would have was not going to be. Life would show me the cards it had it store for me and new hopes, dreams and plans would need to be made. I would no longer be able to teach children and would need to look into a career that would not involve contact with germy germs. That lead me to numbers and I turned my constant love of everything landing on even numbers to an education and career in accounting. Living in a home with stairs became a constant fear. Falling down the stairs at least once every few months made it impossible to continue and off we went to a home with no stairs and a peace of mind that has allowed me to tip toe around my day without falls. 

The hardest part of being sick is not what the disease does to me and my life but what it does to those who love me. I see frustration, fear and loss in their eyes everyday. I feel something in their heart that frightens me so much.......anger. Anger at what this disease does to me but also anger in regards to how this disease has changed their lives and what their future will look like. This anger is something I can not even begin to fix. It is not something I can treat with medication or cover with a band-aid. You can not rest it away or even become used to it. It something that has to be dealt with with gentle hands and an unconditional loving heart. In the end it is something I have to release to those feeling it and I can only pray for peace to overcome my loved ones and acceptance to fill their hearts. I must let go of the control I long for and the ability to fix this and again find faith in hope.

Everyday I am bullied by my own body. I have doctors who have given up on me because of the lack of funds I have to throw at them. The system has let me down as a patient and as an individual needing help. I am learning to rely on my own internal instincts to treat myself. Knowledge takes me from day to day. Luck becomes what I wish for and look for around every corner. Acceptance is something I must try to fight with. Anger is something I must let go. Happiness and contentment has become my new best friend and loneliness is a constant visitor to my heart during the dark days when I find myself battling to move. 

Through all of it one thing is constant in my heart and soul and that is hope. Hope has become the warm sun and the cool rain in my life. It allows me to grow and carry on when it is the last thing I want to do. It wakes me up every morning and drifts off to sleep with me every night. It is what i hope to leave as my legacy when I am no longer here. It is the beauty in my life and will always shine brighter than the anger I see around me in the world. It may be hard to find some days but it is always there. 

Dream

Life passes through us so quickly. Time continues to tick even when you would love it to pause for just one moment. Therefore it is so important to stop at least once everyday and look around you and take in the exact moment yo are in. We are all so busy that we sometimes forget to stop and smell the roses. I stay at home right now and yes, I tend to keep myself very busy and my loved ones will even say that I overextend myself and push my limits. However, there are moments during the day where silence creeps in and I find myself lost in my thoughts. I remember moments from the past, dream about the future and take in the present. So today during one of those quiet moments I asked myself........where do I see myself in five years?

I see myself living a happy life surrounded by the most amazing friends and family, just as I am now. I see that family growing as new ones are born and I see my heart aching remembering those we have lost. I see myself growing as an individual with an autoimmune disease. I want to continue to educate my friends and family as well as strangers. I want to spread awareness and show the world that someone who has a disease can live a beautiful life that is fulfilled with every hope and dream one can have! I see myself growing with my better half and chasing a pup through the yard! I can not wait to continue to watch my Mia and Lou Lou grow into the young ladies they are meant to be. I am excited to be a part of my dear friends families and to chase around their ragamuffins until I can not take one more step! I long to spend more time with my family and in the future I see us connecting the miles we are apart a little bit more often. I see life in my future. A life filled with ups and downs but I also see excitement around every unexplored corner. I see time moving past as I wish it to slow down. 

Today I challenge all of you to stop for one moment. Sit down and allow yourself to breathe in and take in the last few days of summer. I challenge you to let yourself escape and think of the memories you have that make you smile. Feel them fill your heart and transform your day. Most importantly allow yourself to dream about the future. Remember that you choose the path you take in life and you can create your destiny. More importantly you can choose happiness and overcome adversity. You can choose life and choose to the live that life and surround yourself with complete unconditional love and pure happiness!

Giving Tree

I lay awake at night listening to the sounds of the evening. I hear the buzz of the locust, the whistle of the crickets and stillness of the desert. I then concentrate on my body and can fill my creaky arthritic limbs settle in, the slow beating of my heart and the labored breathing of an asthmatic. Are these the noises I have heard ever since I was a child? No, there was a time when I would silently slip into sleep without even knowing time was ticking. Slowly sleep would creep over my soul and my body would lay perfectly still and rejuvenate itself as I slept the night away.

The Giving Tree is a book by Shel Silverstein. It is a story of a boy and his tree. It took you through the life of that little boy and how he grew into a man. It shows you how this ever changing boy would continue to take from his special tree. He grew older and still the tree continued to give. He would sell her apples, swing on her branches and run and play around the loving tree. As he grew he used her branches to build his house, her trunk to build a boat and eventually there was just a little stump left. Time changed and yet this strong tree dwindled in size but not in strength and love. Its loneliness was never thought of and all she wanted was to make her boy happy.

Lupus can take a lot out of you. It can take away your movement, cause nothing but unimaginable fatigue and physical markings that make you want to hide yourself away. As you grow older Lupus can take your ability to walk, eat and at times speak. Lupus takes so much from you and gives nothing in return. You grow old with it and your life changes as your Lupus changes you. You do not have a say in what this disease holds. You are left in moments of complete loneliness with no one to confide in. Still it takes and yet still you must give. 

I am the giving tree. I give to something that does nothing but take. It robs me of my independence and my physical strength. The simplest things in life are not so simple anymore. Careers are set a side and the thought of family is destroyed. Yet somehow, like the giving tree, I continue to grow in strength and love. I reach for kindness and surround myself with happiness and joy. As time marches on and Lupus takes a hold of my physical body it does not hold on to my soul. Courage is reborn and beauty is found in the simplest things. As the giving tree grew with the young boy she shrunk in size. In the end all she was was a stump for the old man that once was the young boy to rest his sleepy legs on. Lupus can take all it wants from me and if in the end all I am is a little stump for others to rest their sleepy legs on, I too will be happy:-) 

Summer Heat

When I was a kid I dreaded the onset of fall days. The sun would set so early and the night robbed me off my play time. I would anxiously wait for summer to arrive. Long days and the late rising moon would allow me to steal just another minute outside with my friends Oh, how I loved that time of year! The sun was never toooooo hot and the day was a magical time where corn fields could be explored barefoot, popsicles could be swindled out of everyone and the everlasting joy the summer brings to a child was magical!

Now I am all grown up and summer means something completely different. I live in the desert of Arizona and what the sun brings is anything but magical!!!! There are days that the sweltering sun could bubble anything off of the pavement, including the soles of my shoes. I am not exaggerating! I have lost fancy shoes, tennis shoes and even flip flops to the pavement gods and I have learned to run over them before they can catch my feet!!!! I watch the clock every night at the end of July to see when exactly the days start to shorten.......I would like to inform you all, it has not happened yet. Everyone describes this heat as a dry heat and yes, it is not as humid as the Midwest BUT with hopeful monsoon storms rolling in nightly, well, lets just say, it is a swamp out there. To top it off........the monsoon's rarely produce any rain!!!!!! Blah, is it winter yet??????

Another challenge for me is my Lupus in the summer. Severe changes in the weather, such as real hot days or real cold days, can throw your body into a complete nuclear meltdown! Pain is extremely exaggerated and the fatigue is indescribable. The pain I have dealt with before and the sleepiness is always a battle but for some reason right now the fatigue is like something I have NEVER experienced EVER before. 

I have a secret to share with you......come closer........ok, I FELL ASLEEP WHILE EATING MY LUNCH TODAY!!!!!! Yes, you heard me right. I just feel asleep!!!! No warning or anything! I laid my head back on the top cushion and had my plate on my lap. The next thing I know it is forty-five minutes later and my plate or my head has not moved!!!!!!!! Yep, I cracked myself up!!!!!!

I know what you are thinking......put the remote down and crawl into bed early. I would love for it to be that easy. You see, most Lupus patients do not hit the deep sleep we all know as REM sleep. Instead we seem to dance around it all night. When you wake up, you know you did the jig because you feel even more worn out than the night before! Due to the fact that you do not hit this beautiful utopia of the REM sleep your body is always a bit more alert than most; therefore, you will be more aware of your pain, noises and just the ups and downs of the night. This leaves us more exhausted, in more pain and unable to do normal things that you would do throughout your day. 

I hate this exhaustion to the core of my Lupus! It makes me feel horrible and look lazy to others. It as if I have no desire to those on the outside looking in but that is not the case. I wish I could toughen out the heat and not develop a rash just from being outside for two seconds! I would love to walk to the kitchen and not feel like I need another nap! I would love to be able to put on a tank top and sunscreen and feel protected from the sun and all its glory! I would love to be able to swim all day with only short breaks for snacks! I would love......I would love......I would love.......the story of having Lupus. The truth is that these are part of my limitations. Not limitations I put on myself but limitations my disease weighs me down with. These are limitations that I could challenge but I also know the feeling of devastation when I reach the other side and a flare is glaring right at me shaming me with a wiggling finger knowing I know I have done wrong.

So, today as I wake up from my mid lunch siesta and I will finish my lunch like it never happened. I will wash my dishes even if it take the next few hours and I will run outside to flood my garden like I am being chased by a pack of wolves!!!!! I may seem sad and extremely tired today but in sixty-five days fall will begin! I will celebrate and jump for joy as the days get shorter and the sun has less time to bake me! I will celebrate the shortest day of the year because that is my most favorite day of the year! I will enjoy the cool winds blowing in and relish in the evenings safe on my porch. I will celebrate my time and make so many memories that they will get me through the next summer and the next summer and the one after that..............

Gone but never forgotten...........

Today I watched the memorial service for our firefighters that died protecting one of our very own cities in this vast state, Arizona. There in front of the stage was what remained of those brave men......their jackets, helmets, boots and axes. What we could not see were the most amazing creations these brave men left behind......their families. I did not personally know these extraordinary men or their beautiful families but what I do know is the love of a family and have witnessed the courageous fight of the human soul. 

Today with the luck of the universe we will all make it home safely and enjoy the evening as the sun sets and the wind blows. We will wake up tomorrow to the sound of life and simply enjoy the moment when you know another day is about to begin. It is the magical moment when you realize that anything can happen today and possibilities are endless! You have been blessed with another day in this breathtaking world. 

As I watched and listed to how these brave men will be remembered and loved for a lifetime I realized that we have a choice on how to live our own lives and how we will be remembered when our bravery is called out and we must fight for our own beliefs. Your sacrifice may not been know to strangers and those who remember you may not be speaking to the world but the mark you leave is just as important. You may choose to live a life of pure love and honesty. You may choose to make others giggle or you may bring smiles to little ones faces. It does not matter if you are a homemaker, executive or politician. No one chooses your path, no one except you.

So thoughtfully choose the path you travel and remember just because there are a lot of footprints before you does not mean you need to follow them. I heard a remark today.........we are all born as ordinary people but the way we choose to live our lives will make each of us extraordinary people. 

Lack of giving..........

I would not normally describe myself as a selfish person. I have an eminence amount of love that I try to constantly give and I have enough smiles in my back pocket to share with the world! However, I have realized lately that it is very easy for someone like me who has an illness that is constantly watched by the medical community and a daily routine that is always on your loved ones minds that it is easy to to let life revolve around you. Moments tend to be more about you even when you are not physically present in them. Doctors want to know what your insides are doing and family and friends are always worrying and questioning how you are truly doing behind those glistening eyes. 

I have come to a point in my life where it feels as if everything must move so quickly. Moments must happen quickly before they slip through my hands. I have been so consumed with focusing on these moments that I have found myself slipping into this dark whole with room for only one, myself. Sadness has filled my heart knowing that my own wants and needs have surpassed the wants and needs of others. I feel as if I have failed those around me during these selfish moments. There were moments where I insisted everyone to know and understand what it felt like to walk in my shoes and feel through my heart when really I needed to step out of my shoes and slip on theirs and love through their hearts. 

Honesty is so hard to give when you are the one who is admitting the lack of understanding and compassion. I realize I am not the only one who suffers with Lupus in my life, everyone does. Everyone knows what it is like to see me stuck in bed, missing outings and having to pass on the silly moments that present themselves. It is the constant love and support that gets me through those tough times. It is their love and understanding that allows me to get up everyday and shout to the world it hurts or that it is a fantastic feeling day! 

Thank you! Thank you to my friends who continue to invite me to the balls of life even when 90% of the time I can not make it. Thank you to my love who never runs away and keeps me going everyday. Thank you to my family who constantly have me in their thoughts and in their hearts. It is all of you who make me feel safe enough to say I have given to little lately and would love to give more. As a friend I will continue to grow and fight through everyday because I know when I wake up tomorrow you will all be there cheering me on!

Glass Case

One of the silliest movies I have ever seen is Anchor Man. I hated that movie when I first saw it but then I watched it with my sister and I saw her crack up over the entire thing made it so special that it has now become one of my favorite movies! There is a line in the movie where Baxter the dog has been kicked over the bridge and Ron Burgandy is in a phone booth yelling that he is locked in a glass case of emotions!!!!!! All I have to do is watch this clip and send it to my sister and my day is filled with laughter and joy! It is amazing how such the simple act of laughter can make an impact on your day.............a five second belly laugh and the next 23 hours will never be the same!

As positive as I am I have been struggling over the last few weeks. I haven't been well and days and nights drag on and seem to melt into each other with no real difference. The sun rising just allows me to see the pain I am in and notice the things I can not do. The night encompasses me with the intense feeling of the pain I have tried to ignore in the light of day. It has been a battle to get out of bed, tend to my ever growing garden and find joy in simple everyday moments. I am hunting out the free feeling that five seconds of laughter will give me.

I spoke to someone yesterday who had some experience with auto immune diseases and he said they were the worst diseases that took the hardest toll on lives that are affected by them. He told me that he was oh so sorry and to expect moments of resentment and loss directed at me personally. He told me to prepared for the ones who love me the most to actually dislike me the most. This dislike does not resonate from hatred towards me personally but this disease that seems to tag along like a shadow. I understood what he was saying but I just could not believe him...........I will now believe him. I will not let him and his viewpoint lock me into a box and throw away the key. This is my life and my heart and I will decide who and when it breaks. 

I may be locked in a glass case of emotion but........look it is glass! I can see out. I can still see the sun and feel the warmth through the case. I can see clouds roll in and watch people pass me by. I can still see my friends and family. There may be times when I can only feel them ever so slightly through the vibration in the glass but they are still there. They have never left. No matter how dark the nights get and intense the pain has become there is always someone there to give me my five second laugh. How can I believe that a life so precious can lead to so much anger? I will not let it happen and I will not allow my disease to take away the one thing that I have left to control......my heart.

Life is beautiful no matter where you are watching it from. You just have to choose to open those beautiful eyes of yours and take in whatever passes you by and grab onto the things that you can not live without. 

Make some noise!!!!!

I love dance!!!! My love for dance sprouted very early in my life. Holly and I would put on Debbie Gibson, Tiffany and young Madonna records and put on shows for our parents. We danced all the time!!!!!! When I was younger my mom decided to enroll me into dance class. I was clumsy but what could dance hurt?!?!?! So into ballet I went. Oh, ballet is beautiful don't get me wrong but it was not for me. My mom tells me the story of one show where I had danced in my pretty pink tutu and sat and watched the others perform. When the tappers came onto stage I cried to my mom..........but I want to make some noise too!!!!!!! So, off came the tutu and in its place were shiny patent leather shows with taps on the bottom that allowed me to make as much noise as I wanted.......maybe even tooooooo much noise for my mama.

As I got older I continued to dance. I practiced when I was forced to and performed at competitions and recitals until I was in my early teens. Dace was my life line and I loved it more that you could ever imagine. I continued with tap and jazz and never put on that tutu again!!!!!

I remember when Tim and I first met and I would dance around the kitchen as we cut veggies (no knife for me) and I would just step and twirl and bow! It was me showing him my innermost being. I loved dance and dance made my life beautiful.

As time went on and my Lupus acted up more and more and the ability to move fluidly disappeared and twirls were replaced with limps. My beautiful dancing feet had be stolen from me and in its it place there were these stumbling, numb things that did not belong to me. I loved to dance around the kitchen and spin around the room. I lost my beauty and sadness set in because I knew in my heart that as time marched on and my Lupus progressed dance would become a thing of the past...........something I used to do. It was one of the hardest realizations in my life. Movement now became something I had to do to eat or go to bed. Movement on someday's is impossible and I rely on others to help. Lupus robbed me of my dance and I want it back!

Again, I am faced with a choice and to me and my love the option is very clear..........I will continue to dance! I may not move my feet myself but others can. I bask in the beauty others express as they move and interpret the music. I close my eyes and I can also move. You see, I will always be a dancer. I respect movement and what it shows to the world. I will always dance with my heart open wide! I will raise my arms to the sun and spin around even if it is only for a moment. I am a dancer and boy can I still make some noise!

One year and counting!!!!!!!

I remember being in kindergarten and hearing my teacher tell me about middle school, high school and college. Boy did that seem impossible! The time between those events were too much for my little noggin to comprehend but it all happened, just like my teacher told me! Life happened and memories were made that would follow me forever.

Did you know that it has been almost a year since I first posted on my blog. When I started it was a time of change in my life. I had to start a round of testing that lasted almost six months. It was a scary time in my life and I need to reach out. I wanted to always be honest and I wanted to bare everything in my heart and soul. I wanted others to truly feel as if they were a part of my life and what I was experiencing from day to day.

This blog was supposed to be centered around being sick but now I look at it as a sounding board. A way to convey my heart and my thoughts at a particular moment in my life. I wanted it to be small snapshot of my life during those moments. There were moments of fear, loneliness and solitude. There were moments where my life way nothing but lab coats and testing that would resonate to the core of my being and cause so much pain all I could do was lay there and wait for it to pass. There were also moments of surprise and wonder. There was joy and celebration of life even when it was dark. There was happiness and at times you could read the fear melt away.

This blog has saved me. This blog has allowed me to reach out to others and to touch lives and give a better understanding to what it truly means to be sick with a disease that will never go away and then CHOOSE to live with it. I wanted others who struggle everyday to have a place to come to and read someone else's experience. They can laugh and cry but always walk away feeling less alone. All I have ever wanted to do was to allow others to have the opportunity to engage and to learn something.

This was a tribute to those around me who have loved me so unconditionally that a new word should be developed for all of them . Something like fantasmicamazeme!!!!!!  It is not easy choosing to love someone with a chronic illness but if you do be prepared to see the world through rose colored glasses and to open your eyes to horses that if you feed them popcorn will change into unicorns. Expect to experience life to the fullest and never have one regret because why leave this world with regrets when you have time to make them happen?!?!?!?!?!

So, happy birthday to The Things They Don't Tell You!!!!!! You have been my outlet and hope and I can not wait to continue to share my story with others<3

Lessons

When I was growing up there were amazing opportunities that would teach us how to be a productive adult in society. I took Home Economics so that I could learn to cook, sew and even balance a check book and I even joined FHA. I grew up in a farming community and so I took Agriculture Class and joined FFA. I sat on the junior fair board so that I could learn about leadership. I was a cheerleader and dancer and this would teach me how to stick with something you committed to. I even had the opportunity to go to college my senior year so that I could get a jump start on my college education. I took every opportunity that I could so that I would not be shell shocked when I left the comforting home of my parents. The day I graduated I felt, like most children experiencing freedom the first time, ready to take on the world!!!!

I did everything I could possibly do to prepare myself for a life that one day would include graduating college, getting married, building a life and home and becoming a family. I really thought at eighteen I had everything figured out! My mom knew a lot and my dad had great stories and advice but who need that! I knew everything that I could about life and no one could tell me otherwise. I was ready for anything this world could throw at me!!!!

It has been sixteen years since I walked over that stage and received my license to live my life in the form of a diploma. Over the last eighteen years I have been taught so many life lessons and how life is never what you expect it to be. I have learned about heartbreak and joy. I have felt disappointment and fear. I have found love and realized that love should not hurt so much and walked away from what I thought was love  only to find what real love truly is. I have been told I may not live to see thirty and instead I celebrated thirty-four even when doctors told me that may not happen. I have had to learn some lessons the hard way and unfortunately have had to deal with a disease so young and have had to go through more life changing moments that most will never go through. Has this been a challenge????? Of course it has been a challenge I have been never been one to shy away from a silly little challenge. I say bring the challenges on and let me show you how it feels to be brave and positive and see the light before the sun even rises. 

Birthday

Today I am 34. Yes, that is still very young but my body has lived enough for a lifetime! Lupus has taken years off of my joints and muscles and has wreaked havoc internally. I think Lupus thinks it is a party everyday in my little body BUT NOT TODAY!!!!!!! Today is my day to celebrate this magnificent thing called life!!!!!

You see, I am not sad that I have Lupus. I may become frustrated with the disease and the mystery it engulfs me in but sad I am not! I feel my disease has allowed me to live the past 34 years with grace and dignity. It has allowed me to see life for what it really is and the beauty found in everything from a cloud whispering by to a disagreement that allows us to grow. I am able to feel love and accept love whole heartedly because you never know how much time is left. I have opened myself up to change within myself as well as with my surroundings. I wanted to travel the road that has NEVER been taken and see things that only others will dream about! I want to surround myself with unconditional love and support. Most importantly...........I want to have the deepest laugh lines the older I get!!!!!! Yep, you heard it...........I am asking for wrinkles!!!!!!! 

Today I not only celebrate the fact that I have carried on for another year, I celebrate those of you who have  filled my 34 years with so much love, kindness and joy! I am thankful to all of my parents who have had a hand in raising me. My mom and dad are no longer married and I have to say I was never one of those kids who thought that one day they would get back together because if they did they would erase some of the loves of my life! I have a Suzette, Jeffrey, Stephanie, Jared, Dave, Christi, Jenilee, Josh, Jackie, Jamie and Jessica! I have been surrounded by so much love and would never want to have any of them taken out of my life. They are the best parents and brothers and sisters a girl could ever imagine having! I am thankful that my mom Jan and dad Steve have continued to be a positive influence in my life every single day. They chose to bring me into this world and I could not have asked for better parents. I am the one blessed for being brought to them. My sister Holly has been my slobbering sister when she was a baby, my cheer leading/high school partner who would fight with me all the time and who has become my best friend and my true soul mate. She has brought the two brightest angels into my life with Lauren and Mia..............ok, Russ, you are an angel too!!!!!!

Over my life I have had amazing friends come and go. Each of you leaving a mark on my heart that would change me forever. I have learned the true meaning of friendship and have had bumps and bruises along the way. I have been taught lessons in forgiveness and humility and have grown to be a better friend because all of you. You have all become my family and have held my hand in the hospital, sent me sock monkey cookies or emailed me a little something to remind me that I am not alone. The beauty that I feel within is because of all of you. If I am even half the friend that you have all been to me, well, I will be doing good.

While all of you have shaped me and helped me to grow there is one person who wakes up swinging at Lupus with me everyday, he is my Tim. He has been the love that I had never felt and the joy that I never knew existed. He has allowed me to continue living my life with no restrictions. I have seen some of the most beautiful places on a dirt road in the middle of no where because he also has an adventurous soul. The complete love he has shown and the unconditional support is something that I never knew could exist between two people. Tim, you have given me the most amazing gift I could have ever asked for........complete love. You are my best friend, my partner in crime and my love! You have brought the world to me! You have also given me a new family.......Bob, Pat and Chris. They have taken me in and have shown me so much love and I am proud to say that they have become another set of parents to me and a big brother.

How could anyone ask for anything more when my life is filled with so much? Ok, it is my birthday so I will ask for one thing............lets all meet back here this time next year and celebrate 35 years of love and adventure!

My hill.............

I was recently described to someone as the one who lives on their own hill and is so positive that every once in a while they would like to punch me! Some may take that as a negative but not me, I giggled that one all the way home! It actually was an amazing compliment when I stop and really ponder it. I do live on my own hill and I seem to have my own weather that brings moments of complete and utter fear and other moments where I am so close to happiness that it almost burns my cheeks.

On my hill I am able to wear a blue sundress everyday and when I turn around the skirt lifts just enough that I can see a trail of blue out of the corner of my eyes. I am barefoot and take shelter under a lemon tree that has so many lemons that are so bright that you will finally understand why yellow evokes bright thoughts in your own mind. The hill is soft and emerald green but do not let that fool you, the climb can be treacherous if you are not prepared.  However, the reward at the end is this amazing moment where everything finally feels just right and time disappears and you will also get lost in the childlike spin of a blue sundress. This is my happy place. It is a place most will never see but others will try. 

I am the keeper of my hill and some try to climb and others find it to difficult and move on. You see there is no loneliness on my hill and I know my loves in my life will come and stay and others may have to go away for a small amount of time but remember times disappears on my hill and so it is as if my loves never left. 

On top of my hill there are also wild horses that I have been told if you feed them popcorn they turn into magical unicorns but THAT is a secret I will never reveal...........