You're Perfect

In a single moment the gravitational pull of your world shifts. The sun rises on the other side of the horizon. The moon sets only after it bows out of its final performance. Time did not exist before as you once thought. Moments of the past and people you once knew are such hazy memories you question if they ever even existed. At this moment there is only one thing you know for certain, life ended and was jolted awake once more with her single first momentous breath followed by the cry that echoed around your world announcing that she had arrived. 

It was not easy. There were moments of terror for everyone in the room. Beds were padded for seizure activity. Medications were administered in order to keep me safe as well as the life of the little one kicking inside. It is too early kept echoing through my head. I could not run from the reality of the situation. The doctors from the NICU came in to prepare us for what we would be embarking on in a matter of moments. Nurses tried to fill the empty space between passing time with excitement reminding us that we would be meeting our baby girl in a matter of moments........it was still too soon.

I could not keep her safe. I could not allow her to continue to grow within. Her special spot was making her sick. Her life force was being drained by a tired placenta. Mom was getting sicker not by the week but by the day. As protein built up the kidneys were not working. One life was not in danger, two lives were at risk. This was all explained in detail after forty eight hours of induction. It was time for our baby girl to truly come home. We were both better off separated physically only to be joined emotionally. Baby girl, it was a journey we went on together and one that we knew would have an end. We knew this was our path. We knew this was the end to this adventure that would direct us down the path to start another still together.

As the doctor moved quickly I remember him saying to us.......mom and dad are you ready to meet your daughter because here she comes. Wait, did he just call me mom?!?!?! In mere seconds that is exactly what I became. I became a mom. She entered my life in haze of movement and cries not only from her beautiful strong lungs but from a broken heart that finally understood why. Life made sense for the first time in thirty seven years. My desire to be a mom, I understood it. I was made for this little girl the moment I took my first breath just as she was made for me the moment she took hers.

In three hours my daughter Lillian Grace will be one week old. One week.......a week that has left me wondering how she did not exist beforehand. I do not remember a day without her or a night I did not close my eyes only to see her face in the darkness. I know her mouth that smiles as she sleeps. Her brow furrows as she tries to open her eyes. Her cry is not an angry cry but one that is just letting you know she is there so please do not forget. There is a gentleness to her tiny soul. A love that seems impossibly big due to her tiny size. She fights everyday in the NICU reminding us that she already defies what others expect of her. There are no limitations to what she can and will do........she is her mother's daughter. 

Let Us Imagine

Minutes turn to hours, hours bleed into one another to form days and days slip through my hands like tiny granules of sand. They move so quickly in sequence and yet I step away and watch them fall through the  hourglass of time. Each hour that melts into the day is one more that has been bestowed upon me. I have been given a gift and these last few moments we have together I feel the enormous weight of what is about to occur. I push the thought from my mind and once more focus on the hours and days slipping through our fingers buying us another moment in time where success is measured in stability and not constant change. 

Today I took the first steps toward the end of this journey. The preparation for her early arrival has begun. Tomorrow I take the last shot that will allow my daughter to take her first breath into her new existence without pain and struggle. Her brain will have less chance to bleed and her tiny tummy will be able to absorb the nutrients needed in order for her to come home to us. This tiny person who I have truly grown from the mere moment when she was just a thought, a wish, a dream......I truly have found my superpower. 

My angel will be a preemie. To tiny for bright lights. To tiny for a bottle. To tiny to be held. Larger than life with a heart so big it will be hard to contain within herself. Her path through life will begin and it may not start on the footing we had hoped to give to her but it will start on a path built with love by family, friends and community. I will stand next to her as she fights for her life and when she falls on difficult times I will fight for her.

I have started to reflect on this entire journey as it comes to an end. A journey that does not start with a map you can hold but a map imprinted on your heart. It lead me through meandering overgrown paths to water where my soul could drink. There could be no planning.....no forethought. It is a journey only you can feel yourself through. The darkness is lonely and terrifying but when the sun rises a warmth encompasses your entire being reminding you that within fear is love, hope and beauty. You are reminded that as hours bleed into one another and form days that there is a tomorrow. A tomorrow where you are blessed to once more try again. 

I can only imagine what it will feel like as I watch her take her first breath. I can only imagine what her tiny cry will sound like as it is already my favorite song. I can only imagine what the fear of today will feel like as it begins to live outside of myself. I can only imagine the true feeling of unconditional love that I thought I already knew. I can only imagine looking to the Heavens and receiving a gift passed down to me to safely keep until we are called home once more. I can only imagine.........I am ready for you Lillian Grace. It is ok to come early for you are already so loved that there is only one outcome for you and me.......life. 

Fear

My days are filled with isolation. The silence that surrounds me leaves to much room for contemplation. Scenario after scenario run through my thoughts. I want her here now. I want to see her so that I can see for myself she is perfect. I want my body to start to heal itself before it is too late. It was never if complications would arise but when. When is here......when is now. Time is precious and the battle within myself has begun. 

I see the fear cross his beautiful face as he silently thinks about his wife and daughter. Will we be alright......will we come home as a family of three???? He reminds me in his embrace and gentle touches as he talks to his daughter that without me there is no life. Without me there is no family. If given a choice I would be his choice. For me she comes above all. It is a silent battle we fight without allowing the words to escape our lips and truly pierce our reality. How did I ever become so loved and cherished......how is it that I deserve this perfect moment in time???? 

Most of the time I will not say it out loud. I do not want to be the weak one. I want to approach the finish line with grace and bravery. I want my daughter to see how much she is loved at every turn in the road and never doubt she was wanted. To say she was wanted is an understatement. We longed for her, begged and pleaded for her and fell to our knees proposing the undeliverable to whomever was listening. I am so afraid of loosing. I am so afraid that they could lose me. I said it.....I am blanketed in fear struggling to find an opening that will allow to breathe once more.

Together we have beat the odds. Together we have found bravery hidden within. She is a fighter just like her mama. We do not give up or give in. We pass every hurdle in order to celebrate tiny milestones that we have silently counted down too. At twenty-four weeks she became viable for life outside the womb and had a chance at life. At twenty-eight weeks her lungs developed even more and she may only need a little assistance to help her breath if she joined us now. Now at thirty weeks her little body regulates its own temperature and she is 3 pounds giving her even more strength to fight through every day. 

I long for her. I long for him to see her for the first time and realize his life has a new meaning with a purpose greater than himself.......greater than myself. She truly is beautiful and her face is the most angelic face I have ever seen. The doctors make sure I see her as much as possible to keep me motivated as the light at the end of the tunnel grows brighter with each passing day. Our team reminds me that it is now their job to carry the burden of fear and uncertainty. I have done all that I can and continue to fight against myself. As I grow weary she grows stronger for both of us. 

She will be here soon, sooner than any of us had anticipated. Today we are ten weeks away from her due date and we now know that ten weeks is impossible. We hold our breath praying for just seven more weeks but know that our sweet angel may be here in as little as five weeks. I have five more weeks of just her and I before I have to share her with the world. I no longer remember a time when she was not in existence. Maybe there was always a part of her inside of me just waiting knowing how our story would read. Knowing with every turn of the page memories would fill in the blank spaces. Spaces belonging only to us. 

We are almost there sweet girl. I pray for you to hang on tight as the road gets bumpy. Remember we are strong on our own but together the two of us are unstoppable.