Let It Be

The pain is so unbearable. It goes beyond the physical aspect and reaches in and grabs your heart and freezes your soul. This pain is not new but something I have had to get used to. In my naive state of mind I just thought once was enough and what kind of world would let it happen again. Yet, here I am physically holding onto my unborn child waiting for the day I once again am forced to release it. Release it and let it go to where only beauty is seen, pain does not exist and love truly is all around. Here in the physical world I will be left to search for beauty amongst the color of grey, feel the pain of loss and pray that one day I will see beauty once more.

I wallow in grief every waking moment. Sleep is restless and in the haze between dreams and reality I forget where I am and what I am preparing for. As reality comes back the heaviness falls back on my trembling body. The weight is almost to heavy to bare and carry throughout the day. I find myself still and focusing on imperfections surrounding me allowing a moment of respite. A car drives by, I hear small talk pass and my concentration is broke and another step is forced. 

There is no pleading this time. I have not begged my little Bean to stay for even a moment longer than need be. Those pleas and cries fall on deaf ears and I am the only one who hears them. The please are replaced with anger and shouting to the skies above. Why does this keep happening? What have I done so wrong in this life that this constant pain is my eternal punishment? Why is it so easy for others and yet so difficult for me? Why I ask over and over until I loose the strength to cry out once more.

I want to smell the top of my babies sweet head after a bath. I want to count ten little fingers and ten little toes. I want to hear the word mommy. Yet again, the simplest request so many take for granted has been taken away once more. Joy celebrated has turned to unending grief and so many questions will always remain unanswered. I count down the days until the pain is numb and life is carried on through wrote memory allowing a much needed emotional rest until I am ready to face life once more.

I am part of a larger plan. A plan that involves growth through pure joy and unbearable pain. I walk this path with others but at times know I will feel so alone. I do not understand the plan in this moment; however, I do know there is something greater for me on the horizon. I have faith that all will be right within my world and one day I will look back and have my aha moment. All the pain and loss will have carried me to a moment greater than I thought possible. Joy I have never experienced will make the brokenness of today prepare me for the life of tomorrow. 

Until then I will be angry and I will not apologize for my thoughts of hate and resentment. I will heal the only way I know how......one minute at a time until it becomes one day at a time. Eventually weeks will pass and the pain will lesson but the memory will never leave. Today I have you still here with me and tomorrow you will join my other angel and guide me through the rest of my life until one day I will see your face. I will stop and I will smell your sweet head. I will count your ten fingers and your ten toes. Then the words I have prayed to hear  my entire life will finally be heard......I will hear you call me mommy. 

Somewhere Only We Know

I could drive the route with my eyes closed. I know the map like the back of my hand. The doors swing open but catch as they close. I pause catching it as though it is the door I walk through every day without hesitation. The faces I see are ones that I have seen more of than those of my own family. They have stepped in and have become my family. Memorized are their eyes, their voices and their beautiful smiles full of hope. Tonight as I sit and think back on this journey I can not believe those eyes, those voices and those smiling faces will slowly fade out of my life. A life that has been built around the idea of family. A family they have tried so desperately to help us create. A journey with ups and downs that all lead to this one final moment in time. 

The time to be afraid has passed. Tears can no longer fall at the thought of what has once been lost. I will close my eyes and look up to the beaming sun and feel the rays as they embrace me in a hug that could only have been sent by God. Telling me that I may not know or understand my path or journey but He does. I hear Him whisper into my ear. Trust me, I shall never let you fall and not be there to pick you back up. Go forth with faith and believe in you and believe in the world that is greater than all of us. 

Tomorrow morning at exactly 11:30 am I will walk into the procedure room one last time. Booties will be the fashionable foot attire. We will all be modeling the same caps and gowns. As I hop onto the gurney the room will dim as things start to move and rustle in areas we can not see. I will settle in and for the first time I will see my last little embryo who has been patiently waiting on us to just make it back to him. My last chance at becoming a mama will be seen through the lens of a microscope. I grab tightly onto Greg's hand because this is not just the moment I become a mama but it is also the moment when Greg will become a dad. Together in this moment we become something greater that ourselves.....we become parents. A bond no one will ever be able to take away. In a magical moment that takes mere seconds life will be transferred and brilliantly I will find myself a little over three weeks pregnant. 

Tonight I have done everything I could possibly do within my tiny human powers that I have. Tests have been ran, levels have been monitored and all is set for the biggest moment of my life. I have walked this path twice before but somehow the ground beneath my feet feels fresh and new. Full of anticipation and hope. I wish I had the ability to memorize every moment because it something I never want to forget. I will never be here again and I never want to forget where it all started.

As we bid farewell to our amazingly brilliant team of the most compassionate individuals I will ever meet the clock will not stop for even a moment. As we watch the seconds, minutes and hours pass by I will find myself snuggled into my bed for a much needed rest. The hardest part of this journey is only starting. Waiting is deafening and the future is terrifying but yet I somehow find a way to see the possibility of joy.

A Christmas wreath has been placed on the table next to my bed. Reminding me of one of my favorite things. Movies have been collected and shows are recorded. Magazines have been piling up and a book that has been calling my name for weeks is finally going to be cracked open. Day's will turn into a week of bed rest and slowly the world will knock at the door begging me to once more step outside, feel the sun and see the beauty. I will hide under my covers for as long as I can. I will feel the outside tugging at my toes a little more each day. Slowly it will pull the covers back. I will no longer be able to hide and escape. I will be woken up by the sun calling me out to play just in time to learn the fate of our future. 

I honestly do not know if this last round will work but I have to believe it will. I believe in things everyday that I can not touch or see. Why would I not allow myself to believe once more even after the toughest moments we have experienced????? It is simply impossible.. I believe in laughter. I believe in love. I believe in miracles. I believe.....I believe.....I believe.....I believe.......

Remember

As the wheels touched down the pull of gravity threw me back into the reality I was able to leave behind. The hugs and kisses of  my two favorite tiny humans are now thousands of miles away. It will not be long until I can no longer hear their voices calling my name when I close me eyes. Vacation swept me away and up in its magical grasp. The sun kissed my cheeks. The ocean was our playground and I watched my little red head learn to body board with me riding in right next to her. The house was filled with laughter, joy and most importantly.........love. 

When you begin something as extraordinary as IVF and failure after failure is felt you forget what it is you are actually working towards. You loose yourself in the process. The medication alters your mind, body and soul. At times I forget what it is I enjoy in this life. Moments of isolation rip you from the grasp of what life is and the beauty it has to offer. I forget me.

This past week I was reminded of who I am right now. I am loved tremendously and supported unconditionally. Someone is crying as I shed tears and rejoicing in the positive milestones we are blessed to experience. I was reminded that I am not alone. Miles may divide but time and distance does not fade the love felt between family. My most important jobs in this life of mine carry titles such as wife, daughter, sister and auntie. My imperfections are beautiful and my weaknesses are their strengths. We are woven together into this intricate pattern that is impossible to replicate. It is our mark on each others lives and hearts that guide us to our final destinations and to the many stops along the way.

Over the next three weeks my life will drastically change. There will be a shift and I will have to adjust my sails accordingly. I must stay at the helm and face whatever storm sits on the horizon and silently pray that at the end of the storm a rainbow will appear. I can not show fear or hesitation. Faith in something larger than myself is a must and courage will guide me. Life is an adventure that is filled with many colorful characters and stories to carry you through. Breathe deep and take in this moment along with all others to follow. You are creating the map of your life and one day not too long from now this map will be your past guiding others to their future. Hold steady, stay focused and enjoy the trip along the way. 

"......I am not afraid of storms, for I am learning how to sail my ship." Louisa Mat Alcott