Life's lessons at times taught through the hard way. Through my battle with autoimmune disease I find inner strength in my life through the courage, hope and the natural discovery on what it truly means to be a survivor.
Hope in the face of uncertainty and belief in the hour of darkness is what separates joy from neverending sorrow. Knowing there is more than what is seen on the surface drives us to scratch until happiness emerges. We do not settle for what is now but continue to plan for the ever changing future. Moments overwhelm me where it is hard to decipher when I am on the path of hope or pure uninterrupted belief. We navigated the most foreign terrain this past year not knowing how to even survive hour by hour.....day by day. Through sorrow and loss I now know the difference between hope and true unwavering belief........today I believe.
No more treatments I said to the fertility nurse over the phone. After a year of the highest of highs followed by the lowest of lows I could not continue. Our family did not start in this type of pain and uncertainty and now we had to decide not to allow it to end. As I was reminded daily.....this is just a stop along the way. Our journey truly did not begin here nor would it end here. This is part of the plan. A plan I shook my head at and cursed at in the early hours of the day as night loosened its grip. It was time to dig deep, release my grip and hope.
As weeks turned into months my heart felt fuller than I had imagined it could after such deep pain. My life was devoted to littles who needed me not as a mother but as a friend, a voice for their quiet whispers. I found something larger than myself and jumped in feet first, eyes closed and nose pinched. I flailed a bit but found a way to swim in the murky waters. I realized my life vest was always there and was hanging on to me for dear life. I had to choose to swim so we could each take a deep breath. Jumping in with tears streaming down my cheeks, I emerged with laughter and the tears were no longer visible.
These days calmness washes over me. I can not put my finger on it but a true sense of peace wakes me every morning and whispers in my ear every night. It tells the story of hope that one holds on to until they can truly say they believe. It is not a fairy tail that starts well, meanders through fear and triumphs in the end. It is terrifying from the beginning and it is the heroine who decides when enough is enough. Only they can decide when the scary shadows are just a reflection of their own surroundings. It is a story of power yet uncertainty. It is starting the journey not knowing how it will end. It is embracing the bumps along the way and not wandering around them but facing them and making the difficult climb over the tallest of mountains.
I have climbed my mountain and now I am resting. Over the tallest mountain I climbed. Uncertainty ringing in my ear every step of the way. Having hope that this is part of my story, part of my plan. As I reached the summit I saw the sun rise and felt it warm my soul. In that moment I knew I just knew that this was my story, my plan.
I had no idea that the day I stomped my foot and declared no more treatment to my nurse would I be opening a door to something once thought impossible. Yesterday I hoped and today I feel every change. My tummy is starting to grow to accommodate the miracle wiggling inside. The days I am not sick are wonderful but the days I find myself in a marathon to the bathroom leave me exhausted but remind me that this is real. Little one is strong and making his or her mama very sick.
Yesterday I cried tears of sorrow as the reality of me being a mama faded but by the grace of God today I cry tears of joy for the miracle I am witnessing. I was right, my family would not be created amongst the sorrow of loss, not even in the hope of the future. My little one is growing on what can only be explained as true unwavering belief.
From our growing family to yours......Merry Christmas everyone!!! This season is filled with miracles and our family has had the joy of witnessing one first hand. Be thankful, be grateful and be kind. Believe in the magic that surrounds us all this time of year.
***We found out we were going to be blessed with our little Miracle Baby a few months ago. There were no doctors involved this time!!!! We have seen the little bug three times and saw the heartbeat the day after Thanksgiving. On December 9th we not only saw the little flicker but heard the strongest heartbeat!!!!! Our little miracle will be joining the world in July 2017.***
All have come that we expected. Ones who were announced before and now ones who were announced after. Their faces flood my life as days mark the tiny changes they go through. The joy of all that surround emanates through the eyes looking at them and the arms embracing them. New life has once more begun and the new adventure of what will be lingers on the thoughts of those loving them with open hearts. Time is now measured in moments before and after you. Moments that are at times hard to bear in the silence of my soul.
Everyday I wonder what you would have looked like. Would you have let out a large cry as the new world chilled you until the love of your parents could warm you? Would you have joined us early in great anticipation to start your journey? Would we be exhausted from nights of no sleep from looking at the tiny miracle born of a mere dream? All these questions surround me everyday and night brings the joy of dreams that are filled with you even though I have never looked into your eyes. So many unanswered question but one question has never been asked nor is it necessary. You would have been loved by the world in front of you. Seas would have parted when you dipped your tiny toes and birds would sing just to see you dance. Life would never have been the same......life has never been the same.
I believe you do dance. You dance everyday with your great grandmother as she teaches you to clog as she taught me. Soak up every ounce of her love because I long for it everyday. You sit on the lap of your grandfather who tells you silly stories about your daddy that even I did not get to hear. You hold so many secrets in your heart because I passed them on to you in the breif moment of time we were connected. A connection never to be realized here on earth but one that will be joined after the sun sets on its final day.
How is it that on the day you were to be born instead of holding you in our arms we are showing you another act of unselfish love by letting you go..........
Happy birthday my sweet child. Though I may have never held you in my arms I will forever hold you in my heart. Dance on every breeze that whispers to your heart. Chase the setting sun as it takes a much needed nap. Laugh in the rain and look at every rainbow as if it is your first for you have a view we each dream of everyday.
I love you to the moon and back, beyond the stars and deeper than even the Heavens can reach.
The pain is so unbearable. It goes beyond the physical aspect and reaches in and grabs your heart and freezes your soul. This pain is not new but something I have had to get used to. In my naive state of mind I just thought once was enough and what kind of world would let it happen again. Yet, here I am physically holding onto my unborn child waiting for the day I once again am forced to release it. Release it and let it go to where only beauty is seen, pain does not exist and love truly is all around. Here in the physical world I will be left to search for beauty amongst the color of grey, feel the pain of loss and pray that one day I will see beauty once more.
I wallow in grief every waking moment. Sleep is restless and in the haze between dreams and reality I forget where I am and what I am preparing for. As reality comes back the heaviness falls back on my trembling body. The weight is almost to heavy to bare and carry throughout the day. I find myself still and focusing on imperfections surrounding me allowing a moment of respite. A car drives by, I hear small talk pass and my concentration is broke and another step is forced.
There is no pleading this time. I have not begged my little Bean to stay for even a moment longer than need be. Those pleas and cries fall on deaf ears and I am the only one who hears them. The please are replaced with anger and shouting to the skies above. Why does this keep happening? What have I done so wrong in this life that this constant pain is my eternal punishment? Why is it so easy for others and yet so difficult for me? Why I ask over and over until I loose the strength to cry out once more.
I want to smell the top of my babies sweet head after a bath. I want to count ten little fingers and ten little toes. I want to hear the word mommy. Yet again, the simplest request so many take for granted has been taken away once more. Joy celebrated has turned to unending grief and so many questions will always remain unanswered. I count down the days until the pain is numb and life is carried on through wrote memory allowing a much needed emotional rest until I am ready to face life once more.
I am part of a larger plan. A plan that involves growth through pure joy and unbearable pain. I walk this path with others but at times know I will feel so alone. I do not understand the plan in this moment; however, I do know there is something greater for me on the horizon. I have faith that all will be right within my world and one day I will look back and have my aha moment. All the pain and loss will have carried me to a moment greater than I thought possible. Joy I have never experienced will make the brokenness of today prepare me for the life of tomorrow.
Until then I will be angry and I will not apologize for my thoughts of hate and resentment. I will heal the only way I know how......one minute at a time until it becomes one day at a time. Eventually weeks will pass and the pain will lesson but the memory will never leave. Today I have you still here with me and tomorrow you will join my other angel and guide me through the rest of my life until one day I will see your face. I will stop and I will smell your sweet head. I will count your ten fingers and your ten toes. Then the words I have prayed to hear my entire life will finally be heard......I will hear you call me mommy.
I could drive the route with my eyes closed. I know the map like the back of my hand. The doors swing open but catch as they close. I pause catching it as though it is the door I walk through every day without hesitation. The faces I see are ones that I have seen more of than those of my own family. They have stepped in and have become my family. Memorized are their eyes, their voices and their beautiful smiles full of hope. Tonight as I sit and think back on this journey I can not believe those eyes, those voices and those smiling faces will slowly fade out of my life. A life that has been built around the idea of family. A family they have tried so desperately to help us create. A journey with ups and downs that all lead to this one final moment in time.
The time to be afraid has passed. Tears can no longer fall at the thought of what has once been lost. I will close my eyes and look up to the beaming sun and feel the rays as they embrace me in a hug that could only have been sent by God. Telling me that I may not know or understand my path or journey but He does. I hear Him whisper into my ear. Trust me, I shall never let you fall and not be there to pick you back up. Go forth with faith and believe in you and believe in the world that is greater than all of us.
Tomorrow morning at exactly 11:30 am I will walk into the procedure room one last time. Booties will be the fashionable foot attire. We will all be modeling the same caps and gowns. As I hop onto the gurney the room will dim as things start to move and rustle in areas we can not see. I will settle in and for the first time I will see my last little embryo who has been patiently waiting on us to just make it back to him. My last chance at becoming a mama will be seen through the lens of a microscope. I grab tightly onto Greg's hand because this is not just the moment I become a mama but it is also the moment when Greg will become a dad. Together in this moment we become something greater that ourselves.....we become parents. A bond no one will ever be able to take away. In a magical moment that takes mere seconds life will be transferred and brilliantly I will find myself a little over three weeks pregnant.
Tonight I have done everything I could possibly do within my tiny human powers that I have. Tests have been ran, levels have been monitored and all is set for the biggest moment of my life. I have walked this path twice before but somehow the ground beneath my feet feels fresh and new. Full of anticipation and hope. I wish I had the ability to memorize every moment because it something I never want to forget. I will never be here again and I never want to forget where it all started.
As we bid farewell to our amazingly brilliant team of the most compassionate individuals I will ever meet the clock will not stop for even a moment. As we watch the seconds, minutes and hours pass by I will find myself snuggled into my bed for a much needed rest. The hardest part of this journey is only starting. Waiting is deafening and the future is terrifying but yet I somehow find a way to see the possibility of joy.
A Christmas wreath has been placed on the table next to my bed. Reminding me of one of my favorite things. Movies have been collected and shows are recorded. Magazines have been piling up and a book that has been calling my name for weeks is finally going to be cracked open. Day's will turn into a week of bed rest and slowly the world will knock at the door begging me to once more step outside, feel the sun and see the beauty. I will hide under my covers for as long as I can. I will feel the outside tugging at my toes a little more each day. Slowly it will pull the covers back. I will no longer be able to hide and escape. I will be woken up by the sun calling me out to play just in time to learn the fate of our future.
I honestly do not know if this last round will work but I have to believe it will. I believe in things everyday that I can not touch or see. Why would I not allow myself to believe once more even after the toughest moments we have experienced????? It is simply impossible.. I believe in laughter. I believe in love. I believe in miracles. I believe.....I believe.....I believe.....I believe.......
As the wheels touched down the pull of gravity threw me back into the reality I was able to leave behind. The hugs and kisses of my two favorite tiny humans are now thousands of miles away. It will not be long until I can no longer hear their voices calling my name when I close me eyes. Vacation swept me away and up in its magical grasp. The sun kissed my cheeks. The ocean was our playground and I watched my little red head learn to body board with me riding in right next to her. The house was filled with laughter, joy and most importantly.........love.
When you begin something as extraordinary as IVF and failure after failure is felt you forget what it is you are actually working towards. You loose yourself in the process. The medication alters your mind, body and soul. At times I forget what it is I enjoy in this life. Moments of isolation rip you from the grasp of what life is and the beauty it has to offer. I forget me.
This past week I was reminded of who I am right now. I am loved tremendously and supported unconditionally. Someone is crying as I shed tears and rejoicing in the positive milestones we are blessed to experience. I was reminded that I am not alone. Miles may divide but time and distance does not fade the love felt between family. My most important jobs in this life of mine carry titles such as wife, daughter, sister and auntie. My imperfections are beautiful and my weaknesses are their strengths. We are woven together into this intricate pattern that is impossible to replicate. It is our mark on each others lives and hearts that guide us to our final destinations and to the many stops along the way.
Over the next three weeks my life will drastically change. There will be a shift and I will have to adjust my sails accordingly. I must stay at the helm and face whatever storm sits on the horizon and silently pray that at the end of the storm a rainbow will appear. I can not show fear or hesitation. Faith in something larger than myself is a must and courage will guide me. Life is an adventure that is filled with many colorful characters and stories to carry you through. Breathe deep and take in this moment along with all others to follow. You are creating the map of your life and one day not too long from now this map will be your past guiding others to their future. Hold steady, stay focused and enjoy the trip along the way.
"......I am not afraid of storms, for I am learning how to sail my ship." Louisa Mat Alcott
I shared the exciting news of our new adventure when we began this journey. I walked out of the doctors office celebrating because we were going to be an easier case. All signs pointed to success and less thought was thrown into the failure ring. My numbers were amazing for my age and my egg quality and quantity was above average. For once my crazy body was cooperating and the doctor told me we may have found an organ system that had not been affected by my Lupus. Cheers all around and once more, this was going to be successful and we were a case that all expected would result in a delivered baby nine months or so down the road. Nine months or so down the road, four beautiful day six blastocysts, one unsuccessful transfer, one devastating miscarriage with two embryos and one waiting in the freezer for late summer.......nine months later nothing is as it was supposed to be. Nine months later I realized IVF is not a sprint but a marathon. A longer marathon than anyone will ever have to run with their two feet I have ran with my own heart.
Everyone tells me that it will all be worth it. Most who make those comments to me have no idea what is endured through this process. Those who have went through IVF hold your hand....hold your heart with no words exchanged because they know all to well what is in store for you and the pain that will come on this journey through hope.
It started with testing, awkward positions and weekly dates with "Wanda" the internal ultrasound wand. The phlebotomist becomes your best friend and your clinic is on speed dial taking the place of your friends and family. As your numbers are monitored and hormone shifts are detected the work truly begins. Injectables were started and lets just stop there for a moment. When we say injectables we mean multiple shots in your belly every single night! The mixing of the mediation alone takes over thirty minutes and each shot is given right on top of the other. Every night you switch sides but eventually bruises form and towards the end of your stimulation phase your skin is a road map of veins, black and blue marks and welts marking where last nights injection were and where tonight's will still have to go. Every night it MUST be at the same time. No stopping off at the grocery store, no dinner out and stopping for drinks with your friends, forget that for the long hull. To say those moments alone are life altering is an understatement.
During the stimulation period basically what you are doing is tricking your ovaries to grow as many eggs as they possibly can in a safe manner to be surgically removed in the hopes that you will have some mature for transfer. A normal cycle most of us go through outside of IVF result in a singular egg developing and being released. This allows others to conceive during this period. IVF patients want as many as they can get within a two week period. I stimulated for ten days. That is ten days of three shots in your belly along with oral medication down the chute. Ten days of timers going off and dance parties during the mixing of meds. Ten days of so many hormones changing every thought and feeling you have from minute to minute. I truly feel it is a tight rope walk with one side being normal and the other insanity. I just prayed everyday that no one would cross my path if I spent a little time on the insanity side.
After my ten days going through hell I was wheeled into surgery with a respiratory infection and small fever. I was trying to hide my cough for the anesthesiologist. I knew if he heard me I would not be taking my much needed nap, instead I would be awake for the procedure. Through begging and pleading we agreed that he would monitor my breathing and the first issue he saw I would be brought back and would have to endure the procedure awake. Thank goodness my lungs cooperated because for the first time in weeks I had a peaceful sleep!!!!!
During retrieval they insert a small needle into your ovaries. The doctor is guided by an ultrasound into each follicle they see and extract the egg that could be possibly inside. Each ovary is drained and the eggs are given to the embryologist. While they are finishing up with me the embryologist takes the sperm and inserts a single one into each egg. This is referred to as ICSI, Intra-Cytoplasmic Sperm Injection. This allows a guarantee of fertilization for each egg but after that they have to choose to grow. It just gives it a bit of a boost in the whole process. For us we had 15 eggs retrieved (my doctors goal for every patient), 10 of those eggs were mature and eight were fertilized. Out of our eight we were told to expect half and that is exactly what happened. We had four day six blastocysts that we froze as soon as they were approved by the embryologist. We were told they were beautiful!!!!!
I want to take a moment and let you know that if you choose to go through genetic testing that will occur before the final embryos are frozen. What that does is allow the embryologist to see if there are any chromosomal issues that would make it impossible for it to implant or grow much past the first few weeks of implantation. We chose not to have it done. That is a decision I honestly regret after going through everything we have had to endure. The reason we chose not to was very personal to me. I felt that I was pushing the scientific envelope and wanted to leave something up to chance. We had no indication that we would have any issues because of the testing prior. However, more than likely our miscarriage was due to the fact that our little blueberry was never going to be healthy enough to be our bring home baby. If I could have prevented the trauma I went through loosing my baby I would have given my arm for it. If anyone now asks me if they should test their embryos.......you bet!!!!! We have even discussed testing our remaining one but the thaw freeze thaw process needed would be more harmful and it may not survive the process to even make it to transfer. I have to put my faith in something larger than myself and believe that one good one out of four is possible.
Our clinic believes after such an event as stimulation your poor body and soul need a moment to breathe and reset. They only do FET, Frozen Embryo Transfer. Some studies even show that FETs have more success rates than fresh transfers but I am not sure about that. I know families who hold a baby in their arms from fresh transfers as well as frozen. We immediately started another round of oral hormones to start the preparation for our first transfer. Thank goodness no needles were used during this time but no one prepares you for the reactions you will have on the hormones. I thought the injections were emotionally draining, this takes the prize!!!!! I picture my husband lovingly looking at me and thinking back to that beautiful day on the beach and dreaming of the moment he said I do........now he looks at his crazed hormonal wife and says I did????? It makes me laugh in the face of tears. These men who go on this journey with us are something special. There is not a single person I have been involved with over my life that could have EVER endured what we have. It will make or it will break you both.
As you prepare you once again see the phlebotomist every other day. During this time my veins collapsed and long sleeves were the only thing able to hide my bruises that ran up and down my arms. Eventually we moved to the hand and I even told them once to go into my foot. As the results come in every other day your medications are reworked to match the levels you are at and to map the way to the levels you will need. My alarm was set for every eight hours with one ring tone for one medication and then another ring tone once more every twelve hours for the other. All day, everyday. Remember how I said those after hour drinks with friends needed to be left behind???? The hardest part is that for one of the medications you must lay flat for at least thirty minutes after each dose and in the end that medication is the every eight hour alarm ringing in my head. It is gross and miserable but it is necessary.
Finally transfer day is here and things are a bit different the days leading up to it. You are started on a dose of high steroids that will force your bodies immune system to shut down so it does not treat the embryo as a foreign object and rid itself of it. This is a tricky move for someone with an autoimmune disease. My immune system thinks EVERYTHING is bad and takes itself out on every organ you can think of. Making sure your body is in a happy state at this time is crucial not only for baby going in but for mama dealing with Lupus. You are also started on a strong dose of antibiotics for any type of infection that could ever occur with any procedure. My favorite, the happy pills!!!! For the first time in months you are given a Valium for relaxation and to me there are no amount of hormones that can make you feel bad when on Valium!!!! I actually think we should be allowed a dose a day during IVF!!!! Maybe one for the husband too.
Let me tell you that the time leading up to transfer is so intense. You are putting your body through so much as a woman. The amount of hormones and scans are astronomical and no one unless going through IVF will ever understand what you have to commit to and for the length of time you are committed. The transfer itself truly only takes seconds. You put yourself once more in that all knowing uncomfy position us women must go through. They rinse you out internally with a hose. Yes, a hose in the operating room!!!!!! The catheter is inserted and the ultrasound guides placement. You have an extremely full bladder at this point so of course I joke with my doctor to go light on the ultrasound or I may pee on him!!!!! Then it happens.......you see a picture of your embryo and before you know it you have an ultrasound picture of your little baby that was placed inside mere moments before. For the first time in your entire life you are pregnant until proven otherwise. Into recovery you go and I am inverted for one hour praying that I can hold my bladder that long.
Finally I am home and bed rest is ordered for the next few days with light activity until the day of our BETA test. Most women think of this time as the TWW, Two Week Wait. We know exactly when conception takes place therefore we only have a little over a week to wait. However, that shorter period of time is dreadful and every moment is emotionally charged. Time moves slowly and every twinge, nauseous moment and hormone headache that is felt leaves your mind to wonder if you are pregnant or is it just the medication.
To me the following three weeks after transfer is the hardest. Our first transfer did not take. There was no implantation, no pregnancy hormone secreted, nothing. We do not know why we just know it did not work. That was tough. You do everything in your power for months for this to work. You have been to Hell and back physically and emotionally. However, there was never a pregnancy to mourn or a loss truly felt. You cry for a day and call the doctor back and schedule your next try. Hopefully this one will result in your dream coming true of being a mama.
Another month of crazy medication, blood work and scans leads up to transfer day number two. Same everything as the last time. My only change was acupuncture and readjusting my thyroid medication. In the operating room there are seconds of darkness resulting in the glow on the ultrasound screen and another new pictures of the two beautiful embryos transferred this time. Home to bed rest and the wait began once more.
This time there was joy!!!!!! Nine days later my doctor called me at 5:45 pm with the news that we were in fact pregnant. For the first time in thirty six years I was growing a tiny human. I was overjoyed and could not believe that we in fact made it through this crazy journey with a positive outcome. I continued going in every other day for HCG levels. For IVF patients and some normal pregnancy patients the doctors need to see your HCG levels at least double every twenty four hours. Once your numbers show a steady increase for a week your BETA week has ended and the first ultrasound is scheduled. I settled into the idea that I was pregnant and those things that made me gag every time I smelled them would be around for a bit. I had to continue to rest everyday and was given the go ahead for light activity once more. None of this mattered because I was going to be a mama!!!!!!
At six weeks we went in for our first ultrasound and saw our Blueberry!!!! It was there but the doctor was concerned. Blueberry was six weeks along but was only measuring about half way through the fifth week. This is not normally too alarming but it was something we still had to follow up with. Another blood draw. This time the numbers came back perfectly where they expected them to be with how far along I was but we needed a comparison. The next morning I fought traffic to once again have my HCG levels tested. This time when the doctor called the news was not good. Our numbers started to slowly drop over the twenty four hour window. He told me we were loosing our baby and that I would miscarry. This was on Valentine's Day of this year.
I made a hard choice within those first few days and decided I would miscarry naturally. I wanted to give my body a chance to do what is normal in this situation. That choice lead me down a very lengthy path. I did not physically loose my baby until two full weeks after we found out it was dying. It took my body another four weeks to stop producing the pregnancy hormone. I was fully pregnant for about seven weeks and it took me the same amount of time to complete the miscarriage. The miscarriage for me was so traumatic. I have never felt my heart break the way it did when I no longer could talk to my growing baby. My daily conversations stopped. I could not sleep in the dark for over a month and leaving the house was impossible. In the beginning I could not chance the physical part of the miscarriage starting somewhere other than my home. This was my safe place and that is the only place I could be. Movies and shows I watched while I was pregnant I could not watch for sometime afterwards. The fear of enduring another loss keeps me up some nights and leaves me panicked during the times I am awake. I remind myself that with great sacrifice one can experience great reward. I am still waiting for my reward. I will continue to sacrifice until I have nothing left to give.
A miscarriage is something no one should ever have to experience. I feel those who go through IVF struggle especially hard because it was not something left up to fate as you try for a family. It is something you have physically created by altering everything normal about your life for months on end. You do not just wake up one morning and take a test and are shocked it is positive. It is something you fight for every moment of everyday. When you loose your IVF baby you can not just wait and try again. First you must have embryos left to try with. You have to start the medication over again and hope that against all odds that you will experience pregnancy and motherhood through this great loss and heartache. We are thankful because we have one left but only one. That is all we will ever have. If this transfer does not work we will not have biological children.
The worst thing anyone and yet everyone feels compelled to say to me is that maybe you will step away from the stress and miraculously fall pregnant. I hear things like if it is God's will it will happen. People tell me all the time that no matter what you will be a mom in one way or another. The worst is when people tell you that miscarriages happen and you can just try again when you heal. None of these comments should ever be expressed to someone going through IVF. No, we will not miraculously fall pregnant. There is a reason we had to go through IVF and it is not because we can naturally get pregnant. God does have a plan but when you are in the throws of a loss and know you have only one chance remaining that plan is confusing and heartbreaking. After healing we do not get to just try again. I have to go through months of more medication and once more carry the fear of this last one not working and our family having to take another path. Yes, there is adoption and I love the idea but I do not love the idea right now. Once that is our only choice that will be THE choice. For now I can not let me heart or my soul go there. I still have hope that this last little one is my engine that could......I think it can, I think it can, I think WE can!!!!!!
After the miscarriage my body decided it was ready a lot sooner than we anticipated. Within days of my last blood test being negative for HCG we started the process all over again. I cried the first night I started birth control. I yelled during hormone imbalances on estrogen. I stopped eating for days because the progesterone makes me feel as though something as simple as swallowing water will make you vomit. For over sixty days I prepared my body for our last little embryo. The date was set for May 16th and we were ready. I was praying that my body would remember what it was like being pregnant and maybe, just maybe this little one would snuggle in and stay a bit longer than his or her brother or sister did.
Twenty hours before our transfer I just felt something was wrong. I was in the kitchen preparing food for the week ahead while on bed rest. The husband still has to eat even if I could not stomach it! I thought I was just having a bad reaction to the medication but realized my medications had not changed and this issue was not something I had experienced before. I called the doctor and they told me to hop into Urgent Care and see if I had a Urinary Tract Infection. We really believed that was not the case but we had to dot our I's and cross our T's just in case. I deal with chronic pain every day. I deal with kidney issues as well. I have to have my urine tested and cultured every month for the rest of my life. I have been there and done that numerous times! I was shocked when in fact I was in the middle of a pretty yucky urinary tract infection. Within moments of me giving my sample the news was delivered to me and my clinic. Five minutes later I was informed that our transfer was canceled. All of that work and sacrifice only to start over once more. I was devastated to say the least and was so upset that my blood pressure had to be brought down with emergency medication. THAT is how devastating a blow like this is to an IVF patient. Today I am still recovering from that moment. I try to remind myself that it just was not the right time but even me telling myself that fires me up!!!!!
Last week I started back on the dreaded birth control as well as everything else I have to drop down the chute in preparation to try once again. We were given a date of June 14th for our next and final transfer. This would allow me to not be on all these hormones for another sixty days BUT this would interfere with our family vacation. A week on an island off the coast of North Carolina was calling our name. My entire family would meet there for a week and roam the beaches with two little munchkins in tow. How could I not go???? We sat down and had a heart to heart and decided it would be best if we waited until sometime in July. We need this vacation. We need a break from this continuous battle that will have taken an entire year by the time we are finished to even get pregnant if we are blessed in such a manner. Our embryo is as snug as a bug in a rug nestled quietly in the freezer. It isn't going anywhere but me, I have somewhere to be! Off to the beach we will go followed by an additional few day in historic Wilmington. It is the much needed breathing room our hearts and souls need. Yes, I will be in the middle of the dreaded hormones but at least I can run free and as fast as I want along the beach.
IVF is isolating and extremely lonely. Most you meet will never have to endure something as drastic and life changing as this process. That des not help those of us in the throws of it. It is a quiet community we live amongst. Every once in a while someone steps forward and takes your hand and leads you down this less traveled path with knowledge from their own experience. I am so thankful that I spoke out in the beginning and have had a few walk into my heart and hold it while it breaks. It is not easy and it is not for those weak in the heart. You must be able to take the joy and the sorrow and learn to continue to live every day. You have to learn to be present and happy for those who are expecting during your journey. Jealousy will show its ugly head and your heart will break more times than you thought was even possible. It is ok to step away from life and friendships so that you can heal internally. Those who love you will embrace you during this time and will wait for you until the days are no longer cloudy and rays of hope shine bright.
I fight every day to continue on this journey. Every morning I wake up and as I start the ingestion of medication I cry outwardly that I can not do this for another moment. Somehow, by the grace of God, I find myself at the end of everyday telling myself that tomorrow I will try again.
I do not know how our journey will end. I do not know if this time next year I will be holding my own baby. One thing I do know is that I am going to experience becoming an Auntie once more!!!!!! Baby girl Riley will be arriving in the next few months and I could not be more proud of my baby sister. My bestie is welcoming her third as a giant surprise. She did not hide from me but fought back tears as she told me she was expecting during our failed first attempt. She held my hand and cried for me and I looked at her and saw nothing but love. Her honesty and welcoming of my own tears reminded me of why she is one of the loves of my life. Another joy has found its way into my life. An amazing friend is on a beautiful journey as a single mama and has welcomed me into her family of two. Princess Poppy and I have special snuggle time that heals my soul. Through my heartache and loss she embraced me and gave me what I needed in that moment, a sense of family right here with me now.
This journey is hard. This journey is not for everyone. This journey is mine and I have a story to tell. A story that is full of hope and courage. A story that just maybe someone needs to hear so that for once during their own journey they do not feel so alone. My story is dance parties during injections, feeling defeated when the world is to much to carry alone and hope that still stems from loss. It is a story that ricochets in our tiny IVF community as a story told by so many. It is not a story of tall tales but a story told by those of us who survive through this every day just to wake up once more tomorrow to try again.
And then Jesus looked across the Earth and said, "That's the one.....She's the one I choose. She can do it."
They know me more than I know myself at times. They are the shadow that are always there but may not be seen on sunless days. I long for them in the dark and can clearly see their faces in the light. We hold each other's secrets, hopes and dreams. I could not imagine a life without them and I would not be who I am if they never existed. I have permanent best friends, fighting partners and true soul mates. I have my sisters.
To say the last few weeks have been a difficult journey is an understatement. I have begun the preparation for our last little embryo transfer. It is a tough road to walk and at times it is the loneliest of roads. Day after day your are engulfed in a wave of hormones. Between doses there is not a moment to catch your breath. The person you see in the mirror is not who you feel like inside. You become a stranger to yourself and rely on those around you to remind you that in fact you still exist outside of all of this craziness.
I exist outside of this journey. I am not just going through IVF. I am me. I am silly and snort when I laugh really hard! If you ask me to do an accent, well, it will always be Jamaican. I talk about bodily functions way to much. I am a child advocate who gives littles a voice that can be heard over all those loud grownups.....including myself. I have a green thumb and can garden with the best of them. I have an adventurous soul. I creep around icy corners on shelf roads. I love tremendously and I leave a mark on others lives that can not just be erased. I come from a flyover state that rolls in corn fields and something is terribly wrong if you do not wave to a stranger. Maybe that is why I have never met a stranger. I am constant, steady and pure. I am me.
Sometimes it is hard to see me in where I am at right now. I am engulfed in this battle to become a mama and yes, for those of us going through IVF it is a never ending battle. However, there is a beautiful light that finds me when I need it the most. I see the little baby deer spotted cheeks in pictures of my Lauren. Mia is dancing....tap dancing....just like her auntie!!!!! In a few months I will hold my new niece and I am counting down the days until she is here with us. Are we even capable of producing boys in our family?!?!?!?!?
My life may change in the upcoming weeks and it may not. Through tears of joy or through tears of sadness I will see the ones who have always been here. The laughs of the little ones in my life will wake me up once more and bring me back to life. The silliness will find its way back into my days. I will be reminded how much I am loved by the faces that look a bit like mine. In good times and in bad they are constant and I cling to them in this sea of uncertainty in life.
My sisters, they are bits and pieces of myself. They are the keepers of what matters most and are the first to remind me that I will never be lost, alone or on this journey without a hand to grab in the darkest of moments. For I am a part of my sisters and my sisters will always be a part of me. That alone in this world is enough to complete any heart.
It was dark that night. So dark that not even a star in the sky shined bright enough to break the thick blanket that loomed over us. I had wandered a bit from camp and found myself not knowing where I was. Once I realized that nothing felt familiar and everything felt so foreign the air in my lungs thickened. My heartbeat quickened, my head started to spin and for a moment I felt as though I was drowning in my own sense of fear. I started yelling softly at first. No reply was heard. I yelled once more a bit louder and the only answer I received was the echo off of the canyon walls below. I yelled once more with all my might and faintly I was called. I followed the voice until finally over a little embankment I saw the far off glow of the burning fire. My heartbeat slowed, I found my bearings once more and in that instant I could breath with the ease of repetition my body had always known. I had been lost but now I was found.
There are moments we go through in life where the feeling of being lost is inevitable and the panic sets in once more. Nothing around us looks familiar and inside we are filled with doubt and a sense of loneliness. You cry out hoping someone calls back but all you hear is the echo of your cries from deep within. The most terrifying moments are not the ones when you realize you're lost to others around you. The most terrifying moments are when you realize you are lost to yourself.
Trees have overgrown above me and the sun is not able to shine through. The ground cover has engulfed the path I find myself on. I no longer can find where to place my foot when I take the next step. I lie down so still and wait. I am not sure what I am waiting for but I know it is on its way. I wait for the trees to blow and the sun to shine on me. I take in the warmth and remember what I am fighting. It takes courage and inner strength to stand up once more. Ahead of me there is a small resemblance of the path I was on. With one step in front of the other I take my place once more.
With each step forward I call out. I listen ever so closely. I call out louder and again find myself listening to the stillness surrounding me. As the panic fills the space inbetween I close my eyes and hold on tight to what I know.......the reminder of the love and joy hidden within the feelings of fear. I search high and low for the faith that has been misplaced. Most importantly I look for myself so that I am reminded once more that I may feel lost throughout this journey but if I look deep within I will always see that I am never far from home.
The time has come much sooner than I expected. As my legs start to plant themselves firmly in reality I am faced with the choice to once more step away from everyday life in the pursuit of hope. Time has slowly begun to heal my soul and piece back together my broken heart. I now must decide if I am whole enough once more to be vulnerable enough to break again.
In the deepest corners of my sadness it felt as though time crawled. My broken heart lingered within my body as I physically healed. The distant future held hope that I could not even take my mind to. Time was my best friend and worst enemy. It slipped through my hands like sand and slowly enough for me to count each miniscule granule.
As hours moved forward and night continued to turn to day I embraced the slow moving time as a gift. I loved my casual Sunday pace of everyday life. I could lose myself in moments that may have been rushed. I was empowered to embrace the times of sorrow as well as embrace the times of joy. Life did not rush me. I found myself soaking in the sun on warmer days. As the trees bloomed I smelled the sweet joy of another season passing. Life was alive and finally I was awake.
Over the last few weeks I have been reminded of how beautiful yet fragile life is. It crashes onto the shores until the moment it is drawn back out. It is in constant motion and is forever evolving. Today is on the brink of becoming the past and tomorrow will be our present in the blink of an eye. Hope lives here now and pushes me beyond what I thought was humanly possible. I am a survivor in every sense of the word.
I don't know what is going to happen in this life but I see the possibilities. I know that if I fall once more there are many hands and hearts to help me back up. I am not alone and recognizing that love alone can carry you through the dark is enough for me to place my hope in the light.
I walked out of the office. It was my final draw in this journey. I said my sweet goodbyes knowing that the faces that have pulled me through the devastation would no longer be visible on a weekly basis. I looked in her eyes and realized those eyes are the ones I looked forward to seeing every Monday. In her eyes I could find my blueberry. In those eyes were pictures of the last six months. The excitement of our baby on the way, the heartbreaking phone call only she could make telling me the end was nearing and finally, the final moment where the present officially became the past. My time was real and in those eyes I am reassured that the joy and the heartbreak were not a dream I just woke up from but one I actually experienced.
Longing for the day when I could say it was all over has been realized and the relief I thought I would feel is nothing but a figment of my imagination. This feeling is not what I expected. I felt as though my heart could break no more than it already had but I was mistaken. I realize now that I held on to every positive reading knowing that my body was trying to catch up to reality. It was a gift given to me by myself. A chance to allow my heart to catch up to life itself. The presence of my pregnancy was fleeting but still there. I was allowed to feel for one more week what it meant to be pregnant. I was given one more week to mourn the loss of what never will be. I didn't have to forget anything when my body was constantly reminding me. Every moment I clinged to as time slowly ripped it from my grasp.
Today I stare at my open hands. Bare and red from the tight grip on slipping memories. They are now empty as my palms reach up and I search for something to grasp. Finally realizing there is nothing left. What I thought was the worst is still yet to come. Finding the grace to hold my head high once more and try again is the greatest challenge I face. Stepping out into the world every morning and facing the world after is the fear of today.
One day at a time is too big for my heart. One hour at a time is more of the pace I am finding myself in. As hours pass and moments of anger, sadness and smiles compile before I know it another day will have passed. I will have made it through and I will lay my head down on my pillow that night. In the moment of haze as I step one foot from reality and place it into my world of dreams I will remind myself. Today is done and tomorrow is near. What was unbearable today will be easier tomorrow. The sun will bring me back to reality and as I step out into the day I will remind myself today is a new day and a chance to once again simply try again.
During the night I am left in silence. I find myself in moments that belong to me and me alone. Until now the night held dark corners I would get lost in. Sadness was the abyss that lingered on every edge I stepped up to. Life froze and paralyzed my heart. The path that was laid out before mere weeks ago had been destroyed. Once more I was left in the rubble trying to find a way to rebuild and once more find hope, love and a purpose. In the darkness of the night I was reminded of something so simple. This life is not just about me. It is not about my pain and my loss. The selfishness I had immersed myself in in my quest to grieve must end. Once more I found my sense of direction and slowly the path destroyed is slowly finding a new direction to take me in.
Life is a struggle every moment and emptiness takes on new meaning. Hope is distinguished and the loneliness of life is real. All of this carried on the shoulders of a tiny one whose only care in the world should be freedom of exploration. Friendships beckoning them to come out and play. A life that I was so blessed to enjoy as a child. Somewhere out there under the same sun rising is a child whose voice is quiet but whose story needs to be heard. Their tiny heart feels lost and alone. Hang on tight little one because I am almost there.
In a matter of a few short weeks our lives will collide. I will carry your tears in a jar. The words you used to cry out will no longer fall on deaf ears. You may be tiny in stature but together we will be larger than life. I will stand tall for you in moments of fear. I will hold you when you cry and protect you during the moments of darkness. I will choose to be your constant until you are safe. An advocate for myself I will no longer be because something even larger than myself calls out for me in the night. I will advocate for you in a world where tiny voices are hard to hear. No more. All will listen when you speak and for the first time together we will find your hope.
When our time together is over and for the first time you will be surrounded by safety and love I will thank you. You may never know but in this life of mine you saved me. You showed me once more that unconditional love comes in many forms. I needed you just as much as you needed me. You pulled me out of the depths of grief in order to see the light once more. In the search for your hope I found mine. You allowed me to see the changing landscape of my life and you pulled my hand into the world once more. As I drift off in thought I think of you waiting for me in this moment. Needing me to be your person. I stop in this moment and step away from that thought and realize that it is me in need. I am the one who is truly waiting for you. Together we will change each others lives. I may give you a voice but you helped me find mine once more.
Yesterday I woke to the sun screaming......GET OUT OF BED LAZY HEAD! I answered ever so politely and gestured my way to the sink for a glass of water and my normal morning breakfast of medications to jump start my day. It was going to be a busy day. A day that would hopefully fill my mind in ways that would not allow my heart to take over. I need today. I needed today to give me a respite from the unpredictable waves of grief. My shore could not take anymore abuse and a calm was needed for my heart and soul to catch its breath once more.
I bustled through the morning preparing a grant application. Doctors were called and the voices that echoed my life altering news mere days before were sweet with words and it sickened my soul. For a moment I found myself angry. How could their days, their nights, their lives move on so quickly when the loss I am feeling is still so unbearable? I reminded myself of the love I knew they felt for me and the minutes spent on holidays talking to me and answering my questions. Their voices were not sickening sweet but voices filled with hope. Hope for myself and hope for all of the others wanting to become mamas that they would meet throughout their day.They were not allowed moments of grief for others. They had to rebound faster than anyone else in order to comfort the next reassuring them that their story may turn out different.
After my calls I found myself out in the middle of the day. A time I had sheltered myself from as much as possible over the last week. I stood in line at the post office. I watched men with boxes. I watched women rushing through their lunch hour just to make sure that their bosses knew the much anticipated letter was mailed. My eyes fixated on one women ahead of me in line. She was someone close to my age. Her face full of frustration and worry that could be traced to everything else on her to do list that was put off by this one moment of wait. On one hip her bag rested and on the other her toddler. I found myself once more bubbling with anger. How could she be frustrated when she had the world at her hands......the world resting on her hip? How I longed to be her this time next year. How I longed to be mailing out baby announcements in this moment and not a silly grant application. I studied her for the duration of my wait. Reality sunk in once more and I realized she is but a mother with a list of things to do and all of them rested on her little toddlers cooperation. She was just one more person in this world with a life that must carry on.
Fate has a way of reminding us exactly where we are. It is not always kind but always truthful. I parked next to the expectant mother parking spot at the store. It was the spot Greg and I had joked about being ours in the months to come. I even thought of taking my picture next to it and that being our silly way of announcing to the world our miracle was on its way. I tucked my head down and carried on. I passed the foods that I had started to crave. I went down the isles that only a week ago I could not stand the smell. I saw the girl behind the bakery counter, the one who wrote on a small cake that we were expecting for me to share with my husband. I was in a minefield. I could not take one single step without something in my heart exploding. The list was shortened and I checked myself out. No eye contact was the best contact.
In the safety of the four doors of my car I fell apart before I even started the car. I did not care who saw me. I did not care if people walking by heard the wails I let go. A cry of a woman who lost her little blueberry. I continued to cry on my short drive home and the sadness followed me through the rest of the day and into the night. A sadness that still lingers today but exhaustion keeps at bay.
Infertility is something we are made to feel ashamed of. Miscarriage is something hushed and swept under the family carpet. There are books galore to tell you what to expect when you are expecting but less to guide you through the moments when what you were expecting is lost. It is a maze that at times seems like you can conquer only to wake up in the fetal position knowing today you will not get out of bed. No one tells you about the physical pain of losing your baby but even worse no one can prepare for the emotional pain that continues to last. One day at a time everyone tells me but do they know that some days are ok when others are crippling? When will the days pass of longing and the tears stop flowing? How much time does it take to truly mend a broken heart?
There is not a book to navigate you through your personal struggle through grief and one's path through grief is not the same as your own. It can not be rushed or measured in hours or days. It is a journey only you yourself can embark on. As with all journeys there will be times of complete despair and one day you will encounter moments that will make the pain seem smaller. I wait for those moments. The moments that make me want to get out of bed and not force me out. I long for laughter and joy and to bask in the hope of tomorrow. I know all of this is yet to come but I must bravely go through what today has in store. It will be hard. It will be sad but it will be mine. It is my path through my loss that will be but one more trail that you will find on the map of my life.
You were real........you were real. I felt you, I saw you and you were growing with every beat of my heart. You were my special secret not yet shared with the rest of the world and now I am left mourning you alone. You are still there but only for a matter of days that feel like an eternity. You will leave me soon and I can not wrap my arms around the grief for it is too large for this world. Fighting through the thickness of the day smothers me. I can not breath as I listen and watch the world around me move so quickly. I wonder if anyone else is grieving in this moment binding us through feelings yet never having met.
The books meant to guide me through the next nine months must be put back on the shelf. The stories that would fill our lives will be set aside for another place and time in this life of mine. As the hours pass our future disappears with the physical pain piercing and emotional anguish lingering. I just want to go back just in that moment of time where tears of joy were shed in the wake of knowing new life was forming.
I can not bring myself to have our once daily conversations between a mother and their growing child. No amount of begging will keep you and the family who I have told you about will never hold you. However, I will hold you. I will hold you in my heart as my body physically lets you go. I will dream of you every moment of everyday. You will be embedded in my soul for the rest of my life. I will silently celebrate you on Mother's Day and I will quietly remember you on the day you were to be born.
A mama becomes a mama the day they know their baby is growing inside. The attachment is formed and that unexplainable bond is immediate. I never believed this when others tried to explain and for a moment I was privileged enough to understand this indescribable sense of foreign emotion. Emotions that will force me to heal physically and learn to cope emotionally. Time will lessen the pain but the wound will leave a scar that I will carry as only I can.
Thank you from the bottom of everything that I am. Thank you for the brief joy that was felt. Thank you for showing me the possibility of what can be. Thank you for being the joy of my life for a short moment in time. I promise you I will one day cry less and laugh more. I promise you that I will be worthy of the gift you gave me. I will hold onto your memory and I will let go of you being the beginning of the rest of my life. I will not give up and one day I will have my rainbow after the waves of grief subside and roll onto the shore less and less.
For now I will cry. For now I will be angry. For now I will feel the emptiness that is left in the shell of myself. For now I will celebrate that for a mere moment in time I was a mother and you were my child.
The bruises are there for all to see but for me they are so much more. It is the story of my life running up and down my arms. The bruises radiate this ghoulish color of blue, yellow and I can even see a hint of purple poking its way through. Daily draws are not for everyone and even some feel faint at the simple thought of a needle piercing the skin. For me and for so many others it is a normal stop at the start of any day.
These tiny pokes that wreak havoc on the smooth skin has lead to so many answers when doors were slammed in our faces. The drive we felt in our hearts pushed us to look for answers when everyone else around us just gave up. Family and friends would whisper sweet nothings in our ears painting pictures of everything just being in our own heads. Relationships are abandoned and voices quieted as determination fills our days as pain takes away our peaceful nights. What would have happened if we listened and followed those voices from those who claim love instead of standing on our own and standing up for ourselves??? Let me tell you what would have happened to me..........
If I would have listened to those who told me to just relax and rest and everything will be ok I am not sure I would even be here today. My immune system would have attacked my body and killed of MY building blocks of life. The damage to my joints would have made movement almost impossible. I could have suffered from a massive heart attack and stroke due to hidden cardiovascular disease that would not have been treated in a twenty something. My kidneys would have suffered from irreversible damage that is now monitored constantly. My adult onset asthma would have been shrugged off and the swelling my chest walls would go through could have been a silent killer spreading to the lining of my heart. The weight I gained in a short period of time would still be judged today as me giving up on myself when in fact my immune system had completely shut down my metabolism. Life would surely look a little different today had I listened to the voices of yesterday.
Going against the grain of life is not easy. Heartbreak is inevitable and time does not heal all wounds. Bravery is a quest to ask the hard questions today that leave us longing for the answers of tomorrow. We wear our scars from procedures, disease will leave a map on our souls and those track marks running up and down my arms do not have time to heal before the next is laid out before me. This life is not for the squeamish but for those who seek out the longevity of the future. I may not see a cure or live the longest life I would like but I still hold hope in my heart. I will carry my Lupus and ask the hard questions today just in the simple hope that one person.......just one person, will not have to in the future. I may be just one but I am one who can make a ripple in this life that will be felt by those yet to come.
It is Saturday morning and I moving a bit slower than I would like. As I stretch out of bed I hear the creaks and cracks. Instead of pushing it to the point of no return I decide to settle back into the warmth of the morning. I crawl back under the warm covers. I snuggle into the spot that still lingers where I left it. As time passes I look out of my squinty morning eyes and see the day once more for what it truly is. A new day to live, to experience and to create memories that will last me through many more slowly moving mornings.
I find myself able to think in these moments. When I am forced to stay still and focus on everything else in life but the pain that radiates through parts of my body that I never knew existed. This morning was one of those mornings for me. I started "The List". A list of everything I would like to be doing today, right now in this exact moment. The adventures that waited for me outside of my front door called my name. I reached for the handle unable to grasp it. The weakness apparent to my body, heart and soul. Those adventures would have to wait for another time and place. One where I was stronger than I am right now. I rolled over in bed and snuggled in even deeper. I decided I would go on my very own adventure in my very own way.
I opened my blog and and traveled once more around the world...........
Today my adventure starts in Belgium. I picked brussel sprouts in the fields because they really DO grow in Brussels!!!!! What better way to wash down brussel sprouts that a tour around the country and try the 800 different beers that are made? Everyone knows what goes best after a night of beer tasting.......waking up to tables of chocolate laid out in front of me. Maybe I should live here permanently! Wait, there are so many more adventure yet to come today. Off we go to our next stop.........
Germany is where one side of my family originates from and where I will find the town my married name originates from. To say it has history for me is an understatement! The first thing I will do in Germany is visit the over 700 zoological gardens, aquariums, animal preserves and safari parks. I am an animal lover so I have to stop off at the largest zoo in the world in Berlin, Zoologischer Garden! Whew, after all of the animal watching I am exhausted but hold on tight we are just getting started!
The beauty of Switzerland surrounds me. I am taken back by the towering mountains that surround me. I am in awe of their beauty and of course, THE SNOW! I am not one to ski but I can still appreciate the breathtaking beauty this time of year has to offer. I decide to spend the day on a toboggan run. Wait, I am just in time for the international sled dog race! That is not all.....I take a train to warm my insides before I step out and walk through Top of Europe Ice Magic. I think this is the perfect end to this amazing Winter adventure!
Onto France I go where I have decided to stay inside and enjoy what the warmness has to offer. I tour museum after museum! I see paintings I have only seen in art books. I look into the eyes of the past as it collides with the present. I walk along cobbled streets to taste everything I can find! I listen to the language exchange around me and fall in love with smooth sounds. I venture from the city to see castles and immerse myself in history. Finally I find myself in Corsica. I see once more where the sea touches the sand and my toes dance frantically through the waves. Simplicity has once more calmed my inner turmoil and I finally feel the reset of life.
My final stop is my most profound. I feel the warm sun kiss my cheeks as I look up at the sun in Israel. I find myself on Biblical land that even I can not grasp. I hike to The Atari Ruins. I am walking in between stone walls that have been in place since the time of the Second Temple. I get lost throughout the Luzit Caves and my adventurous side decides to repel through this maze. I drive through the Judean Hills and get lost in the beauty. I see the shelf like structures built into the hillside where once more they are reviving ways of ancient agriculture. I watch the water beautifully channeled to different crops and wonder why this ever had to end. I wonder if this......my adventure my way ever has to end.......
Thank you. Thank all of you. You read my words and whisk me away to the deepest parts of the world that I never imagined I would touch. I travel everyday with each of you. I find myself in the hot desert, glorious mountains and experiencing the rich history all of you have to offer. Because of you I travel around the world. I may not be able to even get out of bed but my adventures never end. You fill me with hope and wonder and teach me everyday. I am forever grateful and truly feel blessed by the love that is shared through the words from one's heart and soul. You move me. You awaken my soul. You heal me.
The sun warms my arms as I stand at the division in time. Wind blows my sun dress as I contemplate what the next step is. In front of me are choices. Decisions that lay out in front of me written on my heart. A moment of pause freezes time around me. In the stillness and silence all that I can hear are the eyelashes fluttering as I blink. I stumble as time lapses for a single moment. The child in me is ready to soar but the grown up pauses and asks the single most detrimental question to each of us........what if.
My eyes close and time rewinds. Time where what if never existed. Choices were made based on a feeling and questions were left for a later date. The sun never set and joy carried each of us from day to day. We danced free. We loved unconditionally. Judgement had no place in our hearts. Beauty is all we could see and life was full of endless possibilities.
What if. What if once more we made choices based on our hearts? Everyone was equal and there was once more no room for judgement. What if. What if you actually treated others the way you want to be treated? How time would cease to exist and once more joy would fill your day. Nights would be just another moment to dance through. This is the life I love and a life I choose to live. There is no longer room for what ifs. I only have room for what is.
Amazing is the moments we live in. It is a gift given to each of us not to be squandered away. These moments are the only ones we have and one day they will be fleeting. Do you want to look back and wonder what you could have done IF you would have chosen differently? Do you want to bask in the eternal glory of the life you actually chose to live?
Today is a day, a day to dance! It is a day to love as if it is the only thing you have to do. Laugh at moments that you will cling to in the future just to reminisce about today. Beauty is found in everything around you. You must choose to clear the fog from your thoughts and open the eyes of your soul. Then you will see what life truly means and how there is no time for what ifs. Live a life that runs after you and chases you through every waking moment and fills your dreams with such wonder! Life is not built by the things you have in your life but by the people you choose to love. Love them. Love them all and hurt no one. For the bridges you burn today out of anger and hatred may be the bridges that carry you to the path of timeless happiness.
Be happy......be kind and the smile you have will never be hard to find.
Deception does not dance among the light we see but lies below the surface in things we do not. It creeps in on us on the shoulders of surrounding shadows. Our hearts are filled with the darkness until the once beautiful beats of a pure heart turn to dark shocks. Paralyzed it leaves us and questions soar around our lives. The frightening thing about deception is that we each are responsible for it. You may be the one creating the lies that deceive others but you may also find yourself on the receiving end. In order to loosen its grip responsibility must be claimed and finally the first step out of the dark is possible.
The true beauty of life is only seen from the healing heart. You no longer are taken for granted and you have the chance of real happiness once more. You slowly walk out of the shadows and heal with every breath you take. Light nourishes your soul. Love is once more reintroduced into the web you have weaved. Once by one the threads are cut down. Finally you can look in the mirror and see who you truly are through your own eyes as the clouds of something that resembled your life move past. For me it was never the calm before the storm. It was the cleanliness that was left after the terrible rain that left me feeling rejuvenated and alive once more.
Time passes no matter how much we wish it would slow down. Life moved on and your purpose is still out there waiting for you to reach out and grab it at the first opportunity. There is no more darkness before the dawn. We live in a constant glow of the first morning light. Peace has silently settled in around us. Every morning there is joy, no regret and pure happiness for just being alive. Negativity has melted around me and is nothing more than a puddle for me to jump in as I look up and see the rainbow that is my life and giggle as I leave it behind.
I am forever grateful for moments that sit in my past. I visit those moments less and less. I do not feel the need to dwell in what once was but to open my eyes and see what really is. I am even more grateful that the past IS the past. Happiness never truly lived there and deception became a shadow that followed me as others threw it in my path. I am finally free! I am free to build a beautiful life with a beautiful soul. What I feared was the end at one time was not even close to the beginning. Today I sit in pure peace of mind and tomorrow, well, tomorrow is yet to come but holds so much hope and possibility. I see my purpose right out in front of me and finally I am free to reach out and grab it. Life no longer sits on the sideline waiting for me but instead life can barely keep up.
The year was brought in with celebration. The year held so much hope and so much joy. Our engagement was celebrated around the country with friends and family scattered every where joining in in our moment of pure joy. Families were joined and unconditional love was the foundation for both of our lives. I knew unconditional love was what we were built to give and to receive. Backgrounds were different but commonality joined us in unexpected ways. A true feeling of pure commitment and promises that were meant to never break were made. Life truly began in that instant. I woke up without even knowing I was sleeping.
On a beautiful May afternoon I walked down a sandy sun drenched isle in my pretty perfect purple lace shoes. The breeze danced off of the clear turquoise water and met my cheeks and swirled through my long hair. Fear that crept in my forever worrying mind seemed to roll away with every wave as I quietly listened to them gently crash onto the white sandy shore. I closed my eyes, cradled my orchids and listened for Cat Power and floated down the aisle as the words come with me my love, to the sea, the sea of love met the ocean sound in perfect harmony...........I met the strongest, kindest, most beautiful soul I have ever met.
We took our first steps as husband and wife into the caribbean waters where local tradition states that those who step into the magical water will be blessed in a beautiful way. Somehow in this crazy intertwined world we live in I met the reflection of myself and fell in love. We married in the West Indies as our families and friends waited with bated breath to receive the first picture.........WE DID IT!!!!!!!! In that moment I knew I had in fact been blessed in so many beautiful ways. Life was just beginning for us.
The first year of marriage has not always been easy and has been filled with learning pains only new love goes through but also grows through. With every bump in the road we fight our way out of uncertainty and insecurity to find not only a better us but more importantly to find ourselves individually. It is a love story only written for our lives that we will walk through together until our time ends. I silently appreciate the way he lets me sleep in in the morning. He never leaves my side when Lupus forces us into that ever dreaded limbo of the emergency room. He follows my gurney every where and only stays outside of the testing rooms because of radiation. He walked alongside of me through chemotherapy and was my biggest cheerleader when I chose it was time to stop.
As hospital visits became fewer and fewer in between I started to uncover my inner voice. I was not better and no, chemotherapy will never cure Lupus, but time and careful care can help keep it at bay on the best of days. As I silently cared for myself more than I ever had in my past the voice I found that had been buried for so long left me screaming. I shouted and became a personal advocate for my needs as a brave, beautiful and strong women battling an invisible disease.
I was tired of being told to suck it up and to silent my inner voice that shouted.......LISTEN TO ME! I am a walking poster for awareness and it is my job to not be silent and to show all that you can battle illness and still be amazing. Bravery is the most beautiful light you can be seen in. I bask in that light every moment I am alive in this incredibly beautiful world. A world I can only see through pain, fear and pure acceptance of what my life truly looks like.
Morning fog is this beautiful white down coverlet that silently rolls back once it is time for the world to wake. I can feel every finger the sun touches me with and the warmth it holds in its hands. Rain washes the dirt away and leaves our world bathed in crisp beautiful colors. Rainbows.......rainbows are miracles for us to see and to remind us to stop and truly believe in this fast paced world.
I did not want to just be seen anymore. I was finally brave enough to believe in myself and in the power of my voice. It was time to be heard. For so many years I was the quite half that fought alone in silence. Not anymore. I am better than silence. I am more beautiful than that. I am braver than that. I am stronger than that. It is time to be heard and I screamed so loud that my voice traveled around the world.
As I traveled around the world through words we raged a battle here at home. A battle so many fight and so many fight silently. We fought our way through IVF only to conclude our amazing year with our first attempt failing. A heartbreaking blow to a positive attitude because I know my destiny. My destiny is motherhood. Destiny must wait and our baby has not found us quite yet. It's on the way and will arrive in its own time. Just like its mother.
Time passes so quickly. Life changes in the blink of an eye. Uncertainty and fear lead to discovery and acceptance. Loss is processed and again you choose to come out the other end of the rabbit hole scratched but not damaged. Never damaged. The scratches fade and not even a trace is left. True strength does not scar but heal the scratches of yesterday to reveal the newness of tomorrow. With passing time the pain of yesterday is a distant memory that one day you wake up and it feels like a dream and you look around and your reality is so much more beautiful that you could have ever dreamt.
This year starts again with the newness of endless possibilities. A year of growth and beautiful moments lie in front of each one of us. It is our job to choose to see the beauty that surrounds us everyday. Love the family you have. Cherish the friendships that pick you up off of the cold harsh ground Friendships that reach for you in the deepest darkness of your mind. Remember the beauty you hold within is worth shouting from the highest mountain top. Your voice is one but you are loud enough that you too can be heard around the world.
Welcome new year. I am ready for you. I am not afraid of you. I am ready to make my mark once more on this beautiful adventure called life. My moment.......our moment.
