Life's lessons at times taught through the hard way. Through my battle with autoimmune disease I find inner strength in my life through the courage, hope and the natural discovery on what it truly means to be a survivor.
As I contemplate on the eve of my life changing I stop and reminisce on my life up to this point. It has not always been easy. It has been filled with heartbreak, untouchable adventures and moments filled with growing pains that lead me in the right direction. Some call it life, others call it the passing of time but I believe it is called bravery.
The road laid out in front of me even before my first step was riddled with twists and turns. There were moments in dark forests that never lead to clarity. I had to take it upon myself to cut down the trees that sheltered me in order to find the warmth of the sun once more. Time stopped in those moments and never ending pain set in. Just when I thought I could no longer bear it I always found my way. Fear was replaced with a rejuvenated sense of hope. The light that had been dimmed by others was sparked once more for the world to see. My heart became a beacon of life. It sent out a light that may only shine as one but was seen by many.When others around me gave up I chose not to give in. I put on my big girl pants and lifted my chin. Smiles were forced until they came naturally. Pain diminished and once again I could remember my purpose.
This beautiful life was indeed placed in the path of others for a reason. I can rain down laughter when everyone else cries. I feel immense physical pain only to dismiss it so that I can be an example on how to carry on. I have had to memorize the backs of others as they walk away only to turn around and see a new smile in my life, my very own. My smile was never lost, just misplaced at times.
Some call this life. I call it endurance. Some call it the passing of time. I call it healing. I may have had the road laid out in front of me. It may be filled with twists and turns but I decide how to walk down it. I decide to dance in the darkness of the forest. I decide to spin on my tippy toes through the pain. I decide to stay when others choose to leave. I choose hope, faith and love. Bravery is not for the faint of heart but I know bravery is beautiful.
"There were two horses in a field. From a distance, each horse looks like any other horse. But if you get a closer look you will notice something quite interesting...........one of the horses is blind. His owner has chosen not to have him put down, but has made him a safe and comfortable barn to live in. This alone is pretty amazing. But if you stand nearby and listen, you will hear the sound of a bell. It is coming from a smaller horse in the field. Attached to the horse's halter is a small, copper-colored bell. It lets the blind friend know where the other horse is, so he can follow. As you stand and watch these two friends you'll see that the horse with the bell is always checking on the blind horse, and that the blind horse will listen for the bell and then slowly walk to where the other horse is, trusting he will not be led astray. When the horse with the bell returns to the shelter of the barn each evening, he will stop occasionally to look back, making sure that the blind friend isn't too far behind to hear the bell.
Like the owner of these two horses, God does not throw us away because we are not perfect. Or because we have problems or challanges. He watches over us and even brings others into our lives to help us when we are in need. Sometimes we are the blind horse, being guided by the little ringing bell of those who God places in our lives. And at other times we are the guide horse, helping others to find their way. Good friends are like that. You may not always see them, but you know they are always there.
Please listen for my bell, and I will listen for yours."
Once upon a time there was a little blond head blue eyed girl. She was loved by all who met her. The breeze carried her into the lives of many and just as quickly as the breeze blew in she danced her way out. Chasing lightning bugs and rainbows through crisp corn fields kept her busy. When the clouds opened up and released their joy onto the world below she danced through the puddles with such reverence. She never met a stranger and was blessed to carry this on throughout her life.
She had a dream.........
The love of furry things surrounded her heart. Dogs and cats could not be snuggled enough even when they tried to kick free. Animals became little families clustered in her room. She rocked them to sleep, fed them the most delectable treats a little girl could imagine up and every single one of those furry friends could read her her favorite story books. Days melted into nights as time continued to show her the beauty of the world surrounding her.
She had a dream........
Clumsy she may have been but it never deterred her from stepping out with her tiny bare feet. She longed to feel the morning dew kissing her toes good morning and welcoming her to the new day that awaited. Spinning with her arms open until she fell to the ground giggling uncontrollably was her way of saying welcome to my world. From sun up to sun down life was a kaleidoscope of beauty that only she experienced.
She had a dream.......
As time passed and the little girl grew up she never lost her sense of childlike wonder. Life blessed her with opportunities to travel the path less traveled. These paths revealed beauty most will never see. Her dance continued through life. She danced under waterfalls in the mountains of Colorado, tiptoed up to wild turkeys, cows and animals alike off of the dirt roads. She twirled under the stars only to collapse to the ground overlooking cliffs of wonder. Her thoughts and heart were lost among the stars. As they would glisten through the sky wishes were made on every singe one.
She had a dream........
The little girl grew into an adult. The whimsical child carried this whimsical outlook throughout her entire life. Please do not misunderstand, life has not been easy for her. Chronic illness has touched the tip of her nose with its cold icy finger. It has swept through her heart and soul and will be her shadow for the rest of her life. People have come into her life only to try and break her spirit but no one could ever succeed. She has chosen to wear her pain and suffering on her sleeve right along side of her heart. It is a part of her new dance through life and she is proud of it and the strength and courage it has filled her soul with. She is proud of the resistance that washed over her during the days as a child under the sun rays, through the rain and over the mountains and rivers alike.
She had a dream........
After heartache love was reborn stronger than ever. A love that she never even knew could even exist. The love before that she thought she knew turned out to not be love at all. Love should not hurt, should not be selfish and one sided. Love should be kind, giving and be the light that draws you back home at night. That kind of love, that love is love she needed and knew would truly be a love of a lifetime. This love filled her life with joy and wonder once more. She danced and twirled without a care and everything she had ever wanted was finally in her hands.
She had a dream........
Surrounded by love and compassion this once upon a time whimsical soul that is now all grown up has decided it is time for her dream to come true. The love that she carries is too much to bear alone and it is time to share the world seen only through her eyes. It is time for her whimsical little one to come into this world. She wants to once again dance in the rain, twirl in the sun light and make wishes on every star with childlike wonder. The love of all things furry must be passed on to another little one who snuggles without resistance. The whimsical child inside of her grown up heart is breaking free. Lessons of beauty and wonder will be shared. Acceptance of those who are different will be taught. Compassion will grow within before she even hears the first cry. She is ready for her heart to no longer be her own but to live outside of her own body and dance free in the sun and under the stars.
She had a dream........
Little bean, in one month from today you and me will be begin this journey together that will last my entire lifetime. You have been wanted from the first snuggle of a teddy that was my own. I can not wait to show you how to dance and to dance as though no one is watching. You may be small but you will be mighty. We are ready for you. The world is ready for you. You may be just one in millions but you are our only one.
There are not a lot of things in this world I know for sure. Two things my mama always taught me when I was younger that would guide me in adulthood is that you need to treat people the way you would want to be treated in every situation and to share, share, share!!!!! Well, I am sure the later of the two pertained more to toys with my siblings and not my overall life. My mama taught me very well as you can read! When I started the IVF process I anticipated the sharing would be bumped up a notch and some simple compromises would need to occur......I had no idea what I was in for!!!
As a patient with Lupus I have grown accustomed to sharing my life and my body with medicine. I am proud to choose teaching facilities so that others coming up into the medical field will develop a knowledge for this rare disease that affects each of its hosts a bit different. I spread awareness daily and pride myself in the knowledge I can pass on to those who have never been affected by an autoimmune disease. It is a kaleidoscope of ever changing colors. Just when we think we have the upper hand on everything we are shocked with a set back. To say the least, I have lots of experience sharing.
My life is no longer shared with the medical field. My life is dictated by medicine. Our ritual begins at 6 pm. Everything is gathered at the kitchen table. We make washing our hands silly and a time to catch up on light facts from our days. Greg is the mixologist and he helps me add the saline to the powder. We stare in awe as we watch the immediate result of clear liquids. Once our science lesson is over for the night the hard part begins. Two injections in the tummy......that is not a fun shot spot and I know shots!!!!! The medicine burns as it goes in and within a hour the headache that never went away from the day before is back with a vengeance followed by constant abdominal cramping that only is relieved when lying in the comfort of my own bed. Days seep into the nights and before we know it we are always sitting at the dining room table in the evening ready for the next round.
Once the shots move through my system the doctors take control of everything!!!! They dictate when I see them and with IVF it is not on your schedule per say but your inner bodies clock that keeps everyone involved ticking. Mornings are fast becoming reserved for blood draws and internal ultrasounds. All sense of normalcy and privacy has exited the building leaving you feeling crazy and wondering if it is just the hormones talking. At least on the way into the building you are greeted like Norm on Cheers. It is their smiling faces that keep you moving forward from one room after the other and chatting about your weekends. My IVF team are becoming fast friends and family. They are creating my family, so rightfully so.
With the loss of self and constantly injecting medication you would think I am crazy. I am not a crazy. I want to be a mother. Those who have not struggled with infertility that lead to months and years of heartbreak will never be able to wrap their hearts around our struggle. What came so easy for most becomes a constant struggle for others. Understanding and compassion take a backseat to phrases about having faith and being patient. Faith and patience is something we have an abundance of and now we cling to medicine to create our families.
Today I was reminded of why I get up and repeat everything everyday. I looked at the screen as they examined me. My amazing nurse took the time to show me one half of every possibility. I saw what will hopefully become our tiny human. It renewed my sense of hope and filled me with encouragement. There is a reason I am doing all of this to my body. One day I want to walk the halls of my IVF clinic and see our family hanging on the wall thanking everyone for helping and encouraging those that are still hoping.
He woke me up on the first cool morning of the season just so I would not miss it. The chill that surrounded each toe I stuck outside wrapped my heart in a feeling of warm joy. It is the time of year when the world sheds its layers in color embracing for the winter to follow. Time to slough off the old and start emotionally preparing for the new. It is this time of year that seems to jump start something inside of me. The summer's sun is setting earlier and as I wrap myself in a sweater I am also wrapped in the warmth from love. Love that grows with everyday and every year. A love meant to be shared with a beautiful growing family.
The time has come where I know my body has done everything it can possible do on its own. Seven supplements a day has slowly coaxed my body into a normalcy it has never known. Normalcy was not enough and where I am so proud of my body fighting so hard to make conception a possibility, it is time to let it rest and let the experts guide us on the next leg of our journey. A journey that I know will be filled with lows and possibly the most amazing high of my life, becoming a mommy.
For the first time I have a fear living in the darkest corner of my heart. It is a fear that I have never felt while battling Lupus. It is not a fear of loosing my life but a fear of not being able to create life. I wrestle daily with the disappointment felt month after month and morn the loss of something that never was. I hold back the anger that tries desperately to bubble to the surface. I can not hate because of the time taken from me. Instead I have to come to terms that the time taken can never be returned and I have to live with the possibility that my time has just ran out. With every rise of the sun, setting of the moon and footsteps left in the sand I move forward and try hard to leave this anger behind. I prepare my heart and soul for the battle about to begin. A battle for a baby of our own that we have dreamt about our entire lives. The battle that once won will feel like a lifetime ago.
On Wednesday I will walk into the office of a doctor I never wanted to see but I am so thankful to have found. I send positive thoughts into the universe in hopes of them returning to me. I wrap my heart in bubble wrap so that it may take the pain to come but will remain whole until the day we hear our good news that our miracle has occurred. Until then I will stand tall, fill my heart with love and hope and brace myself for the hard times to come. I will be prodded and poked for something greater than myself. Someone greater than the two of us combined.
The coordinates tell us we are close and the clues we read over and over leave us filled full of excitement, it's a scavenger hunt for grown ups! One that allows us to search at night with no curfew or bed time hanging over our heads. Of course we have to get up with the sun but it is far to much fun not to go to bed with the moon. The ones that came before led us to seek even more. On the top of a mountain I climbed, I ruffled around a power box and chased the setting summer sun to a fountain in the middle of Oldtown. You may think that there must have been a great reward waiting for us or a clue to something even greater but I must stop you there. At the top of the mountain was a little book and lots of tiny trinkets others have left in their wake. Behind the power box was a magnet that lead us to giggles at how silly we felt but also the complete wonder at how something so simple could take us back to being so young. Treasures left by others only to be added to with passing time. A memory from the past that I continue to take with me in the future.
As time marches on and life speeds by I find it harder to stop and find the childlike sense of wonder in our everyday world. There are times I am left wondering as I wrestle with sleep what moved me today.......what inspires me and what about tomorrow still ignites unimaginable hope and curiosity in this ever aging soul?
I find the answer in the question posed. It is the hope and beauty in the future that draws us in. There is a constant reminder of who we were when the world was an open book of endless possibilities and paths less traveled. In a life where giving up would seem so easy and no one would criticize due to your daily struggle with pain and reoccurring heartbreak, the end of the tunnel still beckons with a beautiful kaleidoscope of color. It pulls you back out from the grasp of what originally pushed you in.
I knew the true prison of being drawn from the kaleidoscope of life for far to long. The darkness that drew me in during those final moments left me always needing more light to grow. I never knew true color until I lived in true sadness. Today with every twist of fates hand the beauty of life is spread out in front of me begging for me to take its hand and dance with the winds of change. It is an insight that can not be contained. Lupus showed up and forced my heart and soul to truly change the way the world was seen. I have accepted this beautiful gift with the true cost being something no one would choose to pay.
I have wrapped my kaleidoscope in a perfect little box. I have stored it in my heart for safe keeping until it is time to share once more with tiny eyes filled with childlike wonder. There it will stay until the day my miracle finds me.
The pain used to come in waves. It would ebb and flow and as I would brace for impact I knew in my heart that this would pass. Days of pain washing up on the shore of my life would disappear and days with more comfort were seen on the horizon. I clung to those moments of relief. A small respite in this never ending battle. Now the waves no longer come in and go out. I have found myself wading through the still and stagnant waters of constant pain. I have chosen to sacrifice my comfort for the possibility of the joy of a child.
Recently I have found myself questioning when to much is simply just too much. I will not admit that out loud and even seeing it in writing breaks my heart a little piece at a time. Do I have enough strength for another month or maybe six more months of trying? Lupus has robbed me of so much in my life. I can not allow it to take one more dream of mine away. I have to fight. I have to fight for everything. I have to fight for things that come so easily to others. I have never wasted a moment of my life asking why and I will not start now.
I am on my knees looking up above asking if there is a God. I beg for relief and resilience that is needed to make my small but significant mark on this world. I ask for the grace of understanding to be placed on my heart and the knowledge to know when my body has had enough. In my soul I know that everything happens for a reason. I may not understand today or even tomorrow but one day, one day my life will be clear and I will see why this suffering and struggle had to take place and had to be a part of me.
I must have faith. I must believe that there is a greater purpose to my life with Lupus. It is not time to abandon my dream of being a mother. I will not let Lupus rob me of my love, my commitment to my family or my heart of a fighter. For when the days seem to be the darkest the most beautiful light is still yet to come.
The clinking of the glasses echo through the room. The rolls of the eyes are clearly made for all to see but the kiss, the kiss that was forced by everyone else surrounding them was pure and real. Love exists between these two beautiful souls. A love that could not be denied, even with the roll of the eye.
As the celebration carried on the stars of the show decide that enough attention was poured onto them and it was time to reflect it back to those who mattered most in their lives. The parents who nurtured these two hearts to adult hood and helped shape them into the people who stand before us. The grandparents whose shoulders were a safe haven to cry on with no judgement living amongst this relationship. On and on, one by one, you could pinpoint the significance every heart in the room had on this newly formed family. I watched as the newest bride and groom danced their first dance. Once the song concluded an announcement was made that all married couples must report to the dance floor for a very special tribute.
After a little coaxing, everyone found their way to the dance floor. Music began and the dancing started. A few moments passed and a request was made that everyone married for less than a year to please exit the floor and find their way back to their tables. The music continued to play and slowly with each new request fewer couples remained. Finally one couple was left standing, holding on to each other and gazing into each others eyes.
They no longer resembled the two young kids who were married at eighteen. Time had marched on and aging crept its way across their young faces. Bodies were war torn from long ago battles and children blessed their lives but took a toll on their aging hearts. The fluidity of the boxtrot could not be found and a gentle sway was witnessed as they each secretly held the other up. Even after all the years had passed the faces they gazed upon were the most familiar of all. Every wrinkle that found its home found a place in the others heart. Every part of them had been detailed in a fine map tucked in the recess of their memories.. Here is where they were and here is where they would always be. They live in a place where age does not touch their love. It is cemented into their history and has been the foundation for the story of their lives.
Recently married I am infant in the marriage world. We continue to live in the newlywed bliss of everyday life. Fights erupt but the comfort of knowing the other will always be there has given way to new forms of communication. Everyday is a learning experience and also contains some of the most rewarding of moments. It is a comradery of the two of us against the world which results in a feeling of being larger than life itself. In the middle of everyday life we searched and found a life long companion that never limits the amount of love given in a single moment. Lupus and infertility does not hold back this love but nurtures it and teaches us personal humility, grace and wonder in the simple moments of life.
I have taken away in the brief time I have been married a knowledge that I always knew but never experienced. Love is an ever changing horizon we each look out upon in our lives. Clouds roll in, storms drop rain and as the sun peaks back out another layer has been washed away and exposed leaving a new layer of love to be nourished. This new layer is enriched by its surrounding environment and grows wild under the sun. Time passes and layer after layer is added and a true love story is created. One that is carried on for generations to come and sets an example for all of us to dance to.
Fall is fast approaching and the summer sun will soon set and give way to the organic beauty of nature. Golds, oranges and reds will warm us from the inside as the outside chill swirls around kissing our cheeks. Trees will shed their leaves in preparation for their winter sleep and grass will brown as it prepares for the winters first fresh blanket of snow. The year will be coming to an end and the time to reflect will be upon us.
As Fall winds its way into the world I am left thinking of this past year and what an amazing year it has been for us so far. Yes, I know that we are months away from letting go of the old and bringing in the new but I am a strong believer in positive thinking and pure reflection on ones life. It clears the soul and alleviates the heart. It allows us to constantly take inventory of our personal happiness in real time.
As I start to reflect I am in bed this weekend resting. Lupus has shown its ugly little head (picture the worst bed head ever) and has landed me in the hot seat once more. It is testing my personal strength but more importantly it is trying to test my belief in myself . As I lay here in bed it would be very easy to fall into the sad, angry and frustrated abyss that lies below the surface. I could ask questions in regards to why do I have to suffer every day and why have I had to make so many sacrifices that most will never even have to consider? Why is becoming pregnant so hard for me and so easy for others? I could lay here and wallow in self pity; however, that is not true Danica fashion for we all know that I am better than that!
Today, as I continue to take inventory of my personal happiness, I close my eyes and revisit the first date Greg and I had. For a moment I find myself back in Ohio running with Lauren and Mia and taking in every ounce of love because these moments are fleeting. I find myself in Colorado hiking down Box Canyon Falls breathing in the mist and truly finding my heaven on earth. Greg and I are sitting next to each other Christmas morning when I started opening box after smaller box until the moment when I became a fiance. Boxes are being unpacked as we move into our first home together and embark on a new adventure. I am standing under the gazebo listening to the music and feeling the ocean breeze whisp a piece of my sun kissed hair across my cheek as I say I do and became a wife. Families are joined, friendships are nurtured and time is filled with nothing but joy from my heart. When life shows me pain and suffering I draw from these happy moments in my life and use them to build a stronger foundation of love. It is in this foundation where I draw the most strength.
Now it is time to embark on another month of sweet anticipation in the hopes of our miracle. I reflect on everything that is good in the world and in my life and use it to muster up enough courage to put a brave face on and believe this month is THE month. Even if this month does not result in the way we hope, I carry with me that with each passing day we are closer to realizing our dream of a family. One that will be built on a foundation of unconditional love, never ending encouragement and pure acceptance.
It is there. Pain that has silently been hiding waiting for its moment to show itself in the most inopportune time. The doctors never mean to pry and they never want to cause their patients pain. However, this time this doctor asked a question that has been echoed through the tunnels of my life, at least the last ten years of it. Why had I waited so long to try to have a baby with Lupus?
I have always been drawn to the little ones. As my husband likes to put it, they are shiny objects that attract the eye of females, especially this one! I wanted to be a teacher when I grew up but when I became sick the doctor told me that it could shorten my life if I expose myself to germy germs that the little ones always seem to ooze. Well, I switched majors and became an accountant knowing in the deepest part of my heart and soul that my true calling would be as a mother. Those little ones would have my entire life and love devoted to them.
My desire to one day have a family was not a secret to anyone who walked into my life. I would speak of my love of numbers as an accountant, the love I had for travel and exploration and the longing I had for a family. I would ease them into a life with someone with a chronic disease. Most of the time sheltering them from the pain and suffering I face on a daily basis. Honesty was key and understanding a must. Love had to be unconditional and the wants and needs had to be mutual.
My time has always been limited. I did not have forever in this great age of medical miracles. At age twenty two the doctors told me that they would only support a pregnancy until I was thirtyfive. After that it could be risky and they were not sure it would be the healthiest option for me. Boy was I not ready to hear that at such a young age! So, I wrapped up this information with a blue and pink bow and filed it in the back of my mind as someday. The older I got I became more aware of this ticking time clock and started to look at the people who would come into my life as possible forever loves. One by one I was disappointed by their inability to commit and their lack of acceptance of my Lupus.
Someone walked into my life in my late twenties. This one promised me forever with the understanding that time was important. A life was being built, memories were being made and time snuck past so quickly. One day I looked at him and told him that if there is ever a moment in our lives that I am no longer the one he claimed I was and if I was not someone he could see starting a family with it was his responsibility to let me go so that I had a chance at a life that I truly deserved. Once more the promise of forever was made. He committed his life to mine through the words he spoke and the life we continued to build. As thirtyfive approached and seven years together had went by I finally asked for what we had talked about all along. I was ready for the commitment and the family I had dreamt of. When push came to shove I was told a few months prior to my thirty fifth birthday that he did not want to give me the forever we had built. I walked away from the life I had known knowing that the only thing I had left to focus on was myself and what I wanted for the rest of my life. I realized in this awful tug of war I had went through that no one was worth leaving my wants and needs that had always been so clearly stated behind. It was truly time to find my forever happiness.
As I healed I saw the truth in my heart shine bright! It attracted the kind of friendships and love that I deserved to have in my life. I found me again and was able to finally focus on my wants and needs and not on someone else's. Removed from the past I was dancing into my future and along the way I met my perfect dance partner, my other half, my forever love, my Greg. Greg dances with me through everyday on the end tails of giggles and laughter. I see what it truly means to be loved and cared for just as I am in this one moment. When the past walked out I realized what I wanted in a husband and more importantly in a father for my future children. I thought I had known all along but I was once again proven wrong but in the most positive way imaginable.
Yes, I waited to have children. I am trying so desperately to move past this lingering anger that seeps out of the cracks of my life when I am faced with the simple fact that those important years are gone. I feel as though I had time taken from me. I will never be thirty again. I will never be thirty three again and I most certainly can not move back to the year before turning thirty five. How do you move past that?
The answer is simple, I wake up everyday in the arms of my husband. I push past the pain in my heart. The pain that is realized when I think that I may not be able to give him a family. I wish I could go back and give those years to him. The years that would have allowed us to have more time and more hope than we face today for a family. Then in one moment I am brought back to reality. I am enough for him. He carries my Lupus with him everyday as a disease that we share. Every burden that rests on my heart he carries as well. I am reminded that through life I will never be alone. You see, we will be a family someday. Our baby I may not give birth to but the love we have for it has already been planted in our hearts and will be born of a dream that I have always dreamt of. One that is realized not just by its mother but also by its father.
Positivity is felt in every corner of my being. Hope is restored at the possibility of yet another chance that our miracle will find us. Our miracle that I have wanted for so long, now with an amazing husband alongside of me that will seamlessly transition into fatherhood with as much courage, endless love and unconditional support he has found in his heart for myself. We find each other amongst the uncertainty and bravely hold our heads up high until the time comes and we finally see the positive sign that our party of two will finally turn into a family of three.
I am not alone in this new and challenging task. I have found support and encouragement in corners of the world I would never have known existed. Other soon to be mama's have shared their stories of heartache and miracles. With each positive message I receive I draw on the happy endings and focus on what will be in the future no matter how hard the struggles are in the present. I am never alone and find the most amazing sense of comfort in this simple gesture.
When battling Lupus I have to examine every aspect of the disease and how it has tailored itself to me particularly. This allows me to compile a little bag of tricks that I can use to fight my everyday battle. Just when Lupus decides to surprise me I turn around and fight like a girl.......smart, courageous and relentless. As I stand at the bottom of the tall hill that leads me into battle with infertility I feel ready and strong as one foot finds itself in front of the other. It is a small battle in a war I have been fighting for years.
Over the past four months I have stocked a brand new bag of tricks. Tricks that will allow me to be one step ahead of everything and plan each and every battle precisely and methodically. In doing so I have made an amazing new friend at Fairhaven Health. She has guided me towards natural fertility treatments that could possibly help me on my quest for a family. i feel confident in her guidance due to the fact she has taken time to get to know me as well as my Lupus.
With the blessing from my doctor I have started taking two types of supplements: Fertilaid For Woman and Ovaboost. Ferilaid is to help restore hormonal balance to your system so that you have a better chance of conceiving and it aids in optimizing reproductive wellness. Ovaboost will promote healthy eggs in my system as well as protect them from free radicals we may come up against monthly that can harm our reproductive health. Used together my system has a fighting chance of normalizing and conceiving naturally.
After taking both supplements for almost two weeks I have already seen positive changes in my reproductive health. Due to my age, 36, and my Lupus irregularity has been a curse over the last few years. It has made it almost impossible to predict when I am able to conceive. Over the last six months I have had cycles lasting anywhere from 48 days to 78 days being the longest. My greatest hope is to just have my body do what it is naturally meant to do. This month was the only time I was able to test positive for ovulation and it was on day 17.......I am on schedule for a normal 34 day cycle this month!!!!! It is the most important change my body needed to be able to do. This is a celebration all in itself!!!!
I feel increasingly blessed as we go through this next phase of life. Support has poured from every heart that has come across our path. Words of encouragement have been collected and stored in my heart for the moment I will need to be reminded of endless hope. I look into the future knowing that this is a small dot o our path and the journey that starts with two will end with a third. I have prepared myself to root my feet in deep and not run as I am faced with fears around undiscovered corners. Please, if you find yourself thinking as you close your eyes for a restful sleep, send a happy thought towards the desert and it will find us and fertilize the ground we must hold steady to during our struggles to create our very own family.
In seventh grade I started a new school and I had to find a way to fit in with so many who had known each other all their lives. I asked my mom one day how can I meet people in a new place like this? What is the one piece of advice grown ups tend to give in this particular situation........try out for something.......join something!!!! At that moment in time I had not yet developed the notion that parents, especially mine, are always wrong. This may have been one of the last moments in my teenage years that I actually listened to my mom. With out skipping a beat I tried out for cheerleading and all those years of dance paid off. I would find myself cheering for the next six years.Being a cheerleader was great but I knew I could really make a difference in this new school by trying out for something else and I came to the conclusion that I had to do more!
As the leaves changed to the beautiful rich colors of fall I decided that I could cheer for basketball and I could play basketball. Those of you who have known me since seventh grade are probably scratching their heads wondering if they missed something. Did I really try out for basketball many many moons ago???? Well, no need to run for our old yearbooks. The answer is yes AND the answer is no. I approached my mom with this magnificent idea that I had. I can close my eyes and see her now hugging me profusely wondering how in the world she raised such a brilliant daughter!! However, in reality she looked at me and tried not to laugh, already knowing how this little endeavor would turn out.
On the first day of open clinics I put on my gym clothes, my new running shoes and headed to the gym. I listened intently as the coach explained how the open clinics would work and how the selection process would go. I thought to myself......you have this!!!!! We were all told to stand up and head to the line closest to the wall. The coach began to explain the running exercises we would start practice with and end practice with, suicides. Wait!!!!! No one, I mean no one told me I was going to have to run!!!!! Yeah, I figured I would have to run up and down the court with the ball, but just to practice???? Well, I was already there so I had to try. I stood there and finally heard the whistle!!!! I put my mind to it and pictured myself running as fast as the cheetah when in reality I am sure I looked more like a turtle. I made it to the first line, turned around and came back. Without stopping I made it to the second line, turned around and came back.......over and over and over. Finally, I made it to the end of the court and I had turned around one last time and saw the starting line and focused clearly on the end in sight. As I approached the rest of the girls something took over me and before I knew it I had ran right past everyone, out the gym door to never be seen at another basketball practice again!! Remember how I mentioned my mom just knew how this would end???? Well, there she sat in the parking lot as if she knew I would not make it past the first few minutes. I silently got into the car and my rendezvous with basketball was never mentioned again.
Some of the most amazing people entered my life over those seven years and I am proud to report that almost all of them are still an important part of my life. We do not get to see each other often enough but we are here for each other when it matters the most. I was taught a valuable lesson over those years. Life is not a sprint but a marathon. It takes hard work and perseverance to create a life for yourself and it takes even more work to create a life with others but it is worth every moment.
We are embarking on another adventure in life, one of the most profound for my husband and I. We are trying to have a baby and it is not going to be the smoothest of rides but one that will be worth it in the end!!!! Look at me, it would be odd if there wasn't a little crazy in this process. We have to just keep ourselves in the right frame of mind. We must lean on our friends and family for support and encouraging words. Our support system will be our fan section and I know they will be cheering for us through this new journey. Once this baby decides to make its presence known it will be welcomed in a world of love. So, I must stay firmly planted on the ground and not get discouraged when things do not turn out the way we had hoped month after month. This is life!!!! The meat and potatoes part!!!! You dive in and you either like gravy and swim or let the mashed potatoes act as quick sand. No matter what we must remember life is not a sprint but a marathon with an amazing banner to run through at the end of the race......we will even add in the occasional cow bell because who doesn't need more cow bell!!!!!
Once in a great while a song will come to me and I wrap my entire self in it. I can see the end and the beginning. A song that encompasses my entire heart and places me at exactly where I am in life. I grew up with music in my life. As a small child I fell asleep to the sounds of my dad's band playing in the background. I could hear the bass and I allowed it to lull me to sleep. Music has continued to set the soundtrack of my life. I have a song set to the memory of my first kiss, the music I had to dance to as a cheerleader and of course, the song I recently walked down the isle to meat my husband. Happy moments and devastating moments. I let the music guide me through celebrations and through times of mourning.
Over the last few years life has sent me reeling in so many different directions. Doors have closed on some of my darkest years. I was forced to open the window of life and crawl through just to limp to the other side. I refused defeat and believed in who I was and still am. I trained my heart that once lived in a constant state of breaking to believe that I am loved and can be loved forever. I went through hospital visits filled with anger and guilt to holding a constant hand. The positive lining that had circled the clouds finally shown completely through to reveal a beautiful rainbow.
Tonight I share the song that guided me before I even heard it. I share it with my Lupus family. We start the fight every morning before our tootsie toes kiss the ground beneath our bed. We pick battles internally that most will never find themselves up against. Individually we are scared but together we are set to make a difference in the course of the disease we fight. We are history in the making.
To those of us who must struggle to create this magical miracle in our lives, I carry you with me everyday. As tears fall in disappointment there are tears of joy shared with many as their journey has come to an end. This instills that hope that encourages us to try one more time month after month. Remember, everything worth having are things we must work for.
Sit back and close your eyes and find your inner fight song!
I am thrown into the ring once more. Life is on one side while I am set up to dodge everything it decides to throw my way. Auto-immune issues are coming from the right, fatigue throws a punch from behind and throws me to the ground! Finally, coming from the left, the hardest punch of all is felt as it settles in the pit of my stomach. Another seventy days of trying come to an end. I brace for the inevitable sense of frustration, disappointment and the overwhelming sense of sadness. June comes to an end and we are still just a party of two.
I may not have a little bambino on the way yet but I have learned a lot about myself over the last seventy days, well, I would say the last six months. My basal temperature has shown me that I may not always be on time but I still arrive at the final destination. Poor Greg has also learned that I become a ball of tears that are not controlled by anything rational! With this new tidbit of information he still puts up with me and wants our family to begin soon. He takes me for the occasional milkshake and spends hours a week helping me work things out through physical and mental exercise.
The most important lesson I have learned during this time is to find inner grace and thankfulness through all phases of life. In order to move through this life we must embrace change and not fight against it. Change is a constant in all of our lives. Fighting against it will result in the same outcome but through a much more tumultuous storm, one you may find yourself going through alone.
As I prepare for the sharp edges of ever changing emotions over the next week and a new sense of purpose for the upcoming months, I would like to take some time to reflect on what is good in my life. So many of us move to fast and do not stand still enough to absorb everyday joy. Right now I am planting my feet heavily in the dry desert dirt and taking a moment to reflect on all that is beautiful and all that is right at this one moment in my life. I hold steady and I am prepared to brace myself for yet another round of never ending growth from continuous change that life always seems to throw my way.
In less than fortyeight hours I will blow out thirtysix candles on my birthday cake. Some see their age ticking up and up and fill with a sense of dread. I watch every year come and go with a sense of accomplishment and joy. I celebrate another beautiful year in this ever changing world. I reflect not on the bad but the positive I have experienced this past year. I found my other half, was married in the West Indies and we are now trying to expand our little Lautzenheiser clan.......all moments to be overjoyed about and allow to eclipse the moments that may have left a sour taste in my mouth. Most important......I am here. I was able to wake up every morning and bask in the sun. I watched as clouds flooded the sky and let go an immense amount of water onto the barren land below. Those memories are all mine and are filed under my moments in time.
I write about navigating the rough waters of living, loving and coping daily with a chronic autoimmune disease called Lupus. Lupus has been and still is a very difficult disease to detect, diagnose and treat. At this point in time there are no cures and those diagnosed with Lupus will suffer through the disease for the rest of their lives. One of the most difficult things with Lupus is not one disease manifestation is the same from one patient to the other. In all reality we all play a crucial role in the research of a disease that allows each of us to be individuals even when you just want to belong to a large group. The doctors can not predict what my Lupus will do next or what organ will be affected. In a sense it is a hide and seek game I play everyday with my own immune system.
Today I am taking a timeout. I am taking this timeout to tell you how my Lupus is affecting me right now in this moment. I ask of all of you to remember your loved one with Lupus may see doctors all the time and may even fill their time with support groups but not one single person will mimic their disease path. It is a disease that will leave so many feeling that they fight alone and live in a world of isolation and unwanted internal time to themselves. All we can ask of you, friends and family, is to be patient as we navigate these ever changing waters that at times capsizes the very solid ground we stand on.
1. Today I will take twenty six pills. That is 182 pills a week. At the end of the year that will total 9,940 pills.
2. Out of all of those pills I must swallow daily not one is treating my Lupus. Greg and I are trying to start a family so we are maintaining my comfort during this period of time. Once we have our little one I will have to jump on a large dose of steroids and build the bridge back to treating my disease and not just the symptoms.
3. Starting a family is going to be a journey of heartache and hopefully an end result of pure joy. The chemotherapy I took for years may have caused too much internal damage and my body may not ever be strong enough to have a child.
4. I now struggle with my weight. This is not caused by too much ice cream or eating an entire pizza, it is caused by medications. Medications I must take. My heart medication causes a thirst that can not be quenched so I drink, drink and drink some more. Another medication causes me to retain that water and you can imagine that it is a never ending cycle. So, be kind and do not judge. Walk a day in these water logged shoes and I guarantee you, those dusty boots in the corner will feel like your toes went on vacation.
5. Over the past year Lupus has attached my nervous system and has caused neuropathy in my feet, legs, hands and arms. In the next year I will have to undergoe surgery on both arms to take pressure off of the nerves affected. Neuropathy can not be reversed only treated and is one of the diseases Lupus likes to party with. So, I am going to rock the party with purple casts!!!!!
6. Along with Lupus and neuropathy psoriasis has joined the party! I will undergo biopsies on both ankles in the next month to see if it is reaching the joints it sits on. I have no idea who invited that fella to the party!!!!
7. This past year I had to visit my favorite emergency room multiple times. The majority of those visits can be blamed on these two things called lungs. I have the lungs of a 75 year old at this point in time and find myself needing to use my breathing machine throughout the year.
8. For the first time I have a discrepancy with my EKG. Now we are watching and monitoring my ticker every few months. If you ever want to feel young.......go sit in a cardiologists office!!!!
9. I have to carry an entire dose of a brood spectrum antibiotic and steroids with me at all times.
10. Easting is very hard. I loose my appetite at a drop of a hat and I can no longer tolerate dairy or soy. Thank goodness I have a fondness for almond milk at this time!
11. Every time someone asks me how I am feeling it is easier to just say ok than it is to explain what Lupus has decided to do today.
12. Underneath the smiles and unshakeable strength lies a little me crying on the inside. Sometimes the pain is so bad that doing the dishes is the largest accomplishment of the day. I normally celebrate with a nap!!!!!
13. No matter how Lupus affects my body and my mind I am still the person I was eighteen years ago, ten years ago a few months ago. A little older on the outside but still silly on the inside.
14. I dance everyday. Sometimes I am able to spin little Mia around the room, other times we boogy on the floor or I close my eyes and dance through my memories. No matter what, I dance everyday.
15. I live in the Valley of The Sun but I have a vitamin D deficiency. No amount of time in the sun will ever fix it. I must take 10,000 IU a day to bring my levels to a normal range.
16. A simple breeze blowing, covers at night and even just my jammies can cause my skin to hurt and burn on contact.
17. Speaking of jammies......I think I own more jammies than socks!!!!!
18. I run a low grade fever almost everyday. I sizzle!!!!!
19. I have lost friends because of Lupus. I make plans and have to cancel more than I am able to follow through. It is not because I am a bad person or I don't want to see and spend time with my friends. Sometimes the pain is so bad I just want to be in my bed surrounded by my things. It is where I have the most comfort so I can be in the moment good or bad,
20. My support system is more important than any medication I take now or will take in the future. They hold me up and wipe my tears when the pain is unbearable and celebrate the joyous moments right next to me.
Through all the dark Lupus allows me to see light in some of the bleakest moments in my life. I see the world through eyes most will never be able to even glance through. It has taught me to hold those who love unconditionally close to your side. They may be few in numbers but they are enormous in heart.
You can prepare yourself for some things in life and other things, well, those moments pull the rug out from underneath you. I prepared myself for this moment in time. I went over it and over it playing it like a broken real of film repeating itself in real time. I knew it was a possibility but I some how convinced myself that this overplaying was just a precaution and not my reality. I would be the exception to the rule and while so many things are a struggle everyday in my life fate would not be so cruel as to allow me to struggle through one more moment in my quest for happiness. I can close my eyes and hear the doctor explaining to me what may be wrong and what could possibly be right. I heard options rattled off but as I dig through my memory I can not recall what they are. All I know is that as I walked through the exit door and back into the lobby I saw women with their newborns and women expecting. I stared at the floor knowing that eye contact with these blessed women could bring me to my knees. You see, I have become yet another statistic and my beautiful husband and I are officially embarking on a detour and are forced to take the road less traveled down the path marked infertility.
The doctor is not sure if it is the result of the chemotherapy or the result of not trying to get pregnant years ago. I can not dwell on the cause or the timing. Nothing can be changed. Chemotherapy was given and time was squandered and I am exactly where I am supposed to be right now. Looking back is not allowed and I must focus on the journey that lies ahead. I will need all of my strength and positivity that I carry in my soul in order to push forward even when the hurdles seem too much to overcome. I am reminded daily that this battle is not fought or won by one single person but is fought and won by a family and I am not alone.
I have welcomed each and every one of you into my world over the years. You have been able to see glimpses of my struggles, accomplishments and overall sense of hope. Some have asked me why I feel sharing my life, good and bad, is so important. I respond with one word......togetherness. I am reminded through every view, every comment left that I am not alone and my support system has no borders and a sense of belonging can be found in my tiny corner of the world. As I struggle with creating life I am reminded of life and how precious it is big or small.
Giving up is not an option. I am firmly holding on to my faith that good always overcomes in this scary world we live in. I struggle daily with a disease no one can see but one that I yell out into the world. I now find myself struggling with another challenge in my eventful life and in true Danica form I am sharing it with the world one needle prick and one shot at a time. I do not see parenting as a burden but a blessing and I can not wait until the day I can literally count my blessings one little noggin at a time. Until then the world is our support system and I will call upon it frequently because I will have so many questions and not enough answers to ever quench my thirsty soul.
Today I was up before the sun. I leapt out of bed and threw on running shoes that sit by the door in their normal spot. I step out into the beautiful morning and breathe in the clean morning air with a hint of a final spring chill. As I fall into my stride I run to the beat of my heart. Bu bump.....bu bump.....bu bump. I hit my stride that will take me into mile seven and will slowly decrease as I walk into my cool down. By the time I reach the door the desert sun is a little higher in the sky and the spring chill has been replaced with the beginning of a smoldering day that will lead us into summer and into those days that force you to run from air conditioned car to the air conditioned buildings. I will just have to set the alarm an hour earlier to beat the sun rising during those longer summer months of the year. I am not concerned because this is the schedule I have followed for many years after transplanting myself to The Valley of The Sun.
I am thirty five and I am an independent strong successful woman with a beautiful family and an emerging career. I may stay late at the office but I am still able to give to my loved ones when I walk through the door in the evening. Some days I walk in a simple daze from watching a late night movie knowing an extra hour of sleep is needed but I have to pass because this is my favorite part after all. However, I can power through with the day with the best of them. I am strong, bright and beautiful. I have more to give to the world than I will ever need to take. I travel on a yearly basis with my family to places I could not even pronounce as a child. I am grateful for these moments in my life because I know I am expanding my children's knowledge through experience, culture and moments of realization that maybe we are not all that different from others. I learn from the wonder in their eyes.
Tonight I tuck in the little ones and lay next to my husband of so many years. He sees the young women he met all those years ago but has also watched me grow into my own through time and lets not forget patience. We laugh about our days and discuss what new adventure we will all go on this year. As we fall asleep I count my blessings. I have sucess, family and health. I drift off to sleep remembering that the alarm will wake me up a bit earlier tomorrow for my daily run as the sunrises on yet another miraculous day........
The alarm goes off earlier than wanted and as I reach over to stop the inconsiderate noise I am reminded that the early wake is for the doctor who will bend me in a normal fashion to see how much mobility I have at this particular moment in time. I can already hear him now.......the mobility of the left side is lagging compared tot he flexibility of the right. More steroids and increased pain medications and the fight of more chemo will be had. I know all of this based on the difficulty I have just swinging my legs over the bed I woke from fifteen minutes ago.
Silence fills my home as Greg asks me if I need help dressing today. I decided it is a day of independence and so I make the call that it is national pajama wearing day.......at least in my head it is. I move from point A to point B in slow, steady movements. I use the wall as my catch all and balance using its stability to move easier. I get myself ready for the day and cover up showing skin with my sweater even in the summer heat. The least amount of UV exposure is what my body needs in order to function properly and to put off the next flare as long as possible. I look at the shoes next to the door. They are not running shoes but flip flops that I can easily slide off and on and do not need the dexterity of my fingers that I lost so long ago. I get in the car and I watch the mom's put their kids on the school bus in front of me all ready for their day to begin once the kids are safely off for their big day of learning. I am reminded that I have put off having children and now may have waited too long. I silently close my eyes fighting the tears back telling myself with my calm inner voice.....your time will come, I promise.
What most do not understand is that in my heart and soul I am one who can run with the wind and dance in the sunlight. I can pick my kids up and twirl them through life. I have love to give and can receive unconditional love back because there are no extenuating circumstances attached to me. I use my mind as though it is crisp and clear everyday. I am able to blend in with the rest of society and not stick out like a sore thumb. I have more to give and less I need to receive. I am who I set out to be at twenty and nothing derailed me. I am me uninterrupted by the onset of a debilitating disease that will follow me for the rest of my life.
My innerself is still who I feel I am. My outer shell has had to go through so much over the last few years and you can still see the footprints left behind by medication that alters my outer appearance. The beautiful women you met when she was twenty is still there. She is hidden under prednisone wobbly bits, swollen skin from Lyrica and a face that has not aged by the sun because those sun kissed cheeks we all long for will set off an inner battle that will rage on and cause irreplaceable damage. I long for the women I could have been but embrace the one I have become.
Lupus has changed my life forever and has forced a directional change more than once. It has lead me down a path lined with dark forests that I do not dare go into for fear of loosing myself to this disease. I stick to the path even with the boulders that fall in front of me. I climb over them slowly and carefully. When faced with a hills it may take me longer to get to the the top and some in my life refuse to walk with me and run ahead leaving me behind but when I do make it to the top a feeling of accomplishment enlarges my heart more than I ever imagined it could and those who walked with me celebrate every hill climb as if I ran a multitude of marathons. There are still moments of pure joy and hope that I am able to squeeze out of every single day. You see, Lupus may take my ability to do some things in my life and may cause me to feel alone at times but I always remind myself that it can never take my ability to hope, dream and love in the wee hours of night all the way through until morning's first light. For that, I am forever grateful.
