Shower Away!!!!!!

Today I was showered with love by some of the most amazing women in my life. These women have been there for me through some of the scariest moments of my life as well as some of the most amazing! From holding my hands in the hospital, to cooking smores by the campfire and opening their front door and holding me as I fall in in utter heartbreak. Each has formed a memory in my heart that I carry with me every moment of everyday. Life becomes busy and moves quickly but those memories I can pull out one by one and remember the love that only exists between the souls of women. 

This bond we form with each other carries us through the best of times and the worst. Heartbreaks are handled, babies are welcomed and the mundane moments of everyday life are looked at as a journey that we travel together. Loneliness is felt in that moment the phone dials and disappears when the word hello is heard on the other end of the line. Miles may separate us physically but distance is no match for friendship and the bond never lessens as time marches on. It leaves me pondering the true meaning of what a soul mate is to each and every one of us.

Most think of soul mates in the sense of romantic love but what if we truly step back and look at all aspects of the love in our lives? Today as I looked at every face that walked through the door and felt the embrace of love by each and every one of these amazing women in my life I realized that this, this one moment where everyone was in the same room, these are my true soul mates. Each one meets the need of my thirsty soul in their unique way. From their independence, their love of family and their adventurous souls, each of them is truly a part of me. I turn to them for love, encouragement and support throughout my life. There is never a moment of hesitation when it comes to friendship. There is no sickness that divides just compassion that conquers. The ending of chapters throughout the book of life may close but each new chapter opens one after the other with the same beautiful faces I see in my friends. Because of them I truly feel my blessings and bask in their lights of love.

Over the last few years you have all played a part in the healing moments that resulted in the reincarnation of hope. You have picked me up and held me close on the days and nights I could not breathe on my own due to pure emotional exhaustion. I was shown that I am beautiful in all of my purity just as it is in these moments of life. As days marched on I became even more secure in my fight against Lupus and you each have showed me that Lupus does not define me but should be worn as a badge of courage everyday that I am blessed to wake up to the warmth of the sun. You have rebuilt a shattered heart and gave me the strength to stand up for who I am and not shy away from the things that mean the most to me. Because of all of you I rediscovered love for myself that I put back out into the world and what I found on the other end........my Greg. 

You may not be there physically as I walk down the isle but I will see all of you in the tears of joy shed, the cutting of cake and zip lining through the rainforest! For this day would not be possible had I not received the unconditional love from each and everyone of you. You are my soul mates today, tomorrow and will be there celebrating life's adventures for the rest of our lives together. So, bumps along the way, bring them on because my army is many and our love is truly deep.

Life's Constant......Change

Someone very wise pointed out such a simple fact but one so many of us look over or even run from. The one constant in life is change itself. It is something we can always count on and must learn to accept. In his wise words he broke it down for me. We have two choices when faced with life altering change, we can either accept change and see the beauty it allows and grow from it or we can push back until we are forced into the abyss of change with a feeling of losing control. Either way change will knock on all of our doors numerous times throughout our lives. You get to decide how you will answer that door and address the change staring back at you.

A year ago I went through one of the biggest changes I have ever come up against in my thirty-five years. I was so afraid, uncertain and lost in a world I no longer recognized. There was no point in fighting because it was at the front door asking me to walk through and leave everything I had behind. Embracing this moment of change forced me to feel pain I never knew existed. I would experience a loss that would make me question everything I had known. I looked back and only saw the past and a door that had been closed and would never open again. 

Moments went by and those moments turned into hours. Hours turned into days and before I knew it months had gone by. As I slowly began to heal internally I was able to feel the numbness disappear and it allowed me to open my heart back up to the possibility of loving once more and being loved back. Fear was replaced with silent wonder and once where tears fell a smile was reborn. Faith was once again found and love entered through the front door. Change allowed negativity to be replaced with laughter and once where dread lived a new found hope was discovered. 

Now that the fear and pain has truly become a moment in my personal history and has been left in the past I have a new future beginning right in front of my eyes. I will soon take my first step as a new wife and look forward to the upcoming change in my own personal family dynamics. As I step towards my soon to be husband I realize this is also a side of change. A beautiful side that would never had been discovered had I not felt the fear and pain of a change that hurt beyond belief. The pain has allowed me to feel true love and commit my life to another. 

As I reflect once more on the wise and honest words of my dear friend I am reminded that had I not embraced change even with all the pain I would not be in the moment I find myself in today. I had to feel the deepest sorrow and sadness in an overwhelming darkness to truly see the light of hope. Every moment of everyday is filled with joy and I feel a stronger sense of self  knowing that whatever change life will continue to hand me I am a strong and beautiful survivor of moments of uninterrupted change wave after wave. I am no longer afraid of opening that door when change comes knocking.Instead of opening the door in complete fear on what could possibly be I shall open the door, stick out my tongue, giggle and dance to the beat of the ever changing drum on my very little tippy toes!

Yesterday, Today,Tomorrow

I see you in the windows reflecting back at me as I walk down the street. You normally call no attention to yourself. To others who cross your path they may not remember the stride you take or the look you have crossing your face in quiet contemplation. You march through the rest of the day not realizing the ripple affect you leave behind on everything you come in contact with. As you turn the light off for the night you pause, clearly you see the person standing in front of you. The mirror reflects clearly what the world sees everyday and you stop and ask such a simple question that leads to the most complex of answers.......if I met myself today would I even like me?

Treat others the way you want to be treated is something each and every one of us memorized as a small child. It was the basic foundation that would assist us in building the house that would be home to the very basic part of ourselves that would dictate how we would treat others for the rest of our lives. The house would crumble so many times as we came in to our own but the foundation, the foundation of goodness would remain and for some would always win out in the end.

As you focus on what you see reflecting back at you can you recall if you smiled at a single stranger? Were you quick to judge but lagged in asking for forgiveness? The love you put out in to the world, was it a love you would want returned back to you? 

I am sick. At times I am very sick. Sicker than I ever let on to those closest to me let alone the strangers I come across on any given day. It is a disease that will not see a cure in my lifetime and that is not admitting defeat it is realizing the realistic and frightening truth of what some of us live through and will struggle with for the rest of our lives. I wear this as a silent badge of honor that only those privileged will ever see shine from my aura that surrounds me in shades of pure beauty uninterrupted by pain and fear. this badge of courage has redirected my life in so many ways. 

I have witnessed some of the most beautiful moments of giving and felt the harsh reality of judgement from those who can not fathom something they can not tangibly see or feel. It is a discrimination and painful truth for those of us who live with silent and invisible to the naked eye diseases that rage on within and deal with on a daily basis. Isolation is what guides us into the nights as we settle in alone. I am the one who is left reflecting on the kindness of strangers found in the simplest of forms throughout the day. I wonder if there is someone I may have hurt and did I find that humbling moment of sorrow and sorry, did I ask for forgiveness and even more important did I give forgiveness where forgiveness was needed? 

Tonight as you drift off to sleep ask yourself that question one last time, the most basic one of all......if you met yourself on the street today would you even like yourself? Reflect on your intimate, private and most honest of answers. Your shortcomings of the day have come and now they have gone. The love you put out into the world throughout the day can no longer be taken back, however, by the good graces of faith we are some of the most fortunate individuals in the world because tomorrow we have another chance to make that small significant difference through the ripple affect we leave behind us as life continues to move on. Find awareness hidden in the depths of your soul and pull it to the forefront. Ask yourself periodically the question of self worth and self acceptance and adjust your presence to reflect who you would want to be and strive everyday to be a better person who emanates love into the world and finds themselves surrounded by love returned.