Life's lessons at times taught through the hard way. Through my battle with autoimmune disease I find inner strength in my life through the courage, hope and the natural discovery on what it truly means to be a survivor.
The sun warms my arms as I stand at the division in time. Wind blows my sun dress as I contemplate what the next step is. In front of me are choices. Decisions that lay out in front of me written on my heart. A moment of pause freezes time around me. In the stillness and silence all that I can hear are the eyelashes fluttering as I blink. I stumble as time lapses for a single moment. The child in me is ready to soar but the grown up pauses and asks the single most detrimental question to each of us........what if.
My eyes close and time rewinds. Time where what if never existed. Choices were made based on a feeling and questions were left for a later date. The sun never set and joy carried each of us from day to day. We danced free. We loved unconditionally. Judgement had no place in our hearts. Beauty is all we could see and life was full of endless possibilities.
What if. What if once more we made choices based on our hearts? Everyone was equal and there was once more no room for judgement. What if. What if you actually treated others the way you want to be treated? How time would cease to exist and once more joy would fill your day. Nights would be just another moment to dance through. This is the life I love and a life I choose to live. There is no longer room for what ifs. I only have room for what is.
Amazing is the moments we live in. It is a gift given to each of us not to be squandered away. These moments are the only ones we have and one day they will be fleeting. Do you want to look back and wonder what you could have done IF you would have chosen differently? Do you want to bask in the eternal glory of the life you actually chose to live?
Today is a day, a day to dance! It is a day to love as if it is the only thing you have to do. Laugh at moments that you will cling to in the future just to reminisce about today. Beauty is found in everything around you. You must choose to clear the fog from your thoughts and open the eyes of your soul. Then you will see what life truly means and how there is no time for what ifs. Live a life that runs after you and chases you through every waking moment and fills your dreams with such wonder! Life is not built by the things you have in your life but by the people you choose to love. Love them. Love them all and hurt no one. For the bridges you burn today out of anger and hatred may be the bridges that carry you to the path of timeless happiness.
Be happy......be kind and the smile you have will never be hard to find.
Deception does not dance among the light we see but lies below the surface in things we do not. It creeps in on us on the shoulders of surrounding shadows. Our hearts are filled with the darkness until the once beautiful beats of a pure heart turn to dark shocks. Paralyzed it leaves us and questions soar around our lives. The frightening thing about deception is that we each are responsible for it. You may be the one creating the lies that deceive others but you may also find yourself on the receiving end. In order to loosen its grip responsibility must be claimed and finally the first step out of the dark is possible.
The true beauty of life is only seen from the healing heart. You no longer are taken for granted and you have the chance of real happiness once more. You slowly walk out of the shadows and heal with every breath you take. Light nourishes your soul. Love is once more reintroduced into the web you have weaved. Once by one the threads are cut down. Finally you can look in the mirror and see who you truly are through your own eyes as the clouds of something that resembled your life move past. For me it was never the calm before the storm. It was the cleanliness that was left after the terrible rain that left me feeling rejuvenated and alive once more.
Time passes no matter how much we wish it would slow down. Life moved on and your purpose is still out there waiting for you to reach out and grab it at the first opportunity. There is no more darkness before the dawn. We live in a constant glow of the first morning light. Peace has silently settled in around us. Every morning there is joy, no regret and pure happiness for just being alive. Negativity has melted around me and is nothing more than a puddle for me to jump in as I look up and see the rainbow that is my life and giggle as I leave it behind.
I am forever grateful for moments that sit in my past. I visit those moments less and less. I do not feel the need to dwell in what once was but to open my eyes and see what really is. I am even more grateful that the past IS the past. Happiness never truly lived there and deception became a shadow that followed me as others threw it in my path. I am finally free! I am free to build a beautiful life with a beautiful soul. What I feared was the end at one time was not even close to the beginning. Today I sit in pure peace of mind and tomorrow, well, tomorrow is yet to come but holds so much hope and possibility. I see my purpose right out in front of me and finally I am free to reach out and grab it. Life no longer sits on the sideline waiting for me but instead life can barely keep up.
The year was brought in with celebration. The year held so much hope and so much joy. Our engagement was celebrated around the country with friends and family scattered every where joining in in our moment of pure joy. Families were joined and unconditional love was the foundation for both of our lives. I knew unconditional love was what we were built to give and to receive. Backgrounds were different but commonality joined us in unexpected ways. A true feeling of pure commitment and promises that were meant to never break were made. Life truly began in that instant. I woke up without even knowing I was sleeping.
On a beautiful May afternoon I walked down a sandy sun drenched isle in my pretty perfect purple lace shoes. The breeze danced off of the clear turquoise water and met my cheeks and swirled through my long hair. Fear that crept in my forever worrying mind seemed to roll away with every wave as I quietly listened to them gently crash onto the white sandy shore. I closed my eyes, cradled my orchids and listened for Cat Power and floated down the aisle as the words come with me my love, to the sea, the sea of love met the ocean sound in perfect harmony...........I met the strongest, kindest, most beautiful soul I have ever met.
We took our first steps as husband and wife into the caribbean waters where local tradition states that those who step into the magical water will be blessed in a beautiful way. Somehow in this crazy intertwined world we live in I met the reflection of myself and fell in love. We married in the West Indies as our families and friends waited with bated breath to receive the first picture.........WE DID IT!!!!!!!! In that moment I knew I had in fact been blessed in so many beautiful ways. Life was just beginning for us.
The first year of marriage has not always been easy and has been filled with learning pains only new love goes through but also grows through. With every bump in the road we fight our way out of uncertainty and insecurity to find not only a better us but more importantly to find ourselves individually. It is a love story only written for our lives that we will walk through together until our time ends. I silently appreciate the way he lets me sleep in in the morning. He never leaves my side when Lupus forces us into that ever dreaded limbo of the emergency room. He follows my gurney every where and only stays outside of the testing rooms because of radiation. He walked alongside of me through chemotherapy and was my biggest cheerleader when I chose it was time to stop.
As hospital visits became fewer and fewer in between I started to uncover my inner voice. I was not better and no, chemotherapy will never cure Lupus, but time and careful care can help keep it at bay on the best of days. As I silently cared for myself more than I ever had in my past the voice I found that had been buried for so long left me screaming. I shouted and became a personal advocate for my needs as a brave, beautiful and strong women battling an invisible disease.
I was tired of being told to suck it up and to silent my inner voice that shouted.......LISTEN TO ME! I am a walking poster for awareness and it is my job to not be silent and to show all that you can battle illness and still be amazing. Bravery is the most beautiful light you can be seen in. I bask in that light every moment I am alive in this incredibly beautiful world. A world I can only see through pain, fear and pure acceptance of what my life truly looks like.
Morning fog is this beautiful white down coverlet that silently rolls back once it is time for the world to wake. I can feel every finger the sun touches me with and the warmth it holds in its hands. Rain washes the dirt away and leaves our world bathed in crisp beautiful colors. Rainbows.......rainbows are miracles for us to see and to remind us to stop and truly believe in this fast paced world.
I did not want to just be seen anymore. I was finally brave enough to believe in myself and in the power of my voice. It was time to be heard. For so many years I was the quite half that fought alone in silence. Not anymore. I am better than silence. I am more beautiful than that. I am braver than that. I am stronger than that. It is time to be heard and I screamed so loud that my voice traveled around the world.
As I traveled around the world through words we raged a battle here at home. A battle so many fight and so many fight silently. We fought our way through IVF only to conclude our amazing year with our first attempt failing. A heartbreaking blow to a positive attitude because I know my destiny. My destiny is motherhood. Destiny must wait and our baby has not found us quite yet. It's on the way and will arrive in its own time. Just like its mother.
Time passes so quickly. Life changes in the blink of an eye. Uncertainty and fear lead to discovery and acceptance. Loss is processed and again you choose to come out the other end of the rabbit hole scratched but not damaged. Never damaged. The scratches fade and not even a trace is left. True strength does not scar but heal the scratches of yesterday to reveal the newness of tomorrow. With passing time the pain of yesterday is a distant memory that one day you wake up and it feels like a dream and you look around and your reality is so much more beautiful that you could have ever dreamt.
This year starts again with the newness of endless possibilities. A year of growth and beautiful moments lie in front of each one of us. It is our job to choose to see the beauty that surrounds us everyday. Love the family you have. Cherish the friendships that pick you up off of the cold harsh ground Friendships that reach for you in the deepest darkness of your mind. Remember the beauty you hold within is worth shouting from the highest mountain top. Your voice is one but you are loud enough that you too can be heard around the world.
Welcome new year. I am ready for you. I am not afraid of you. I am ready to make my mark once more on this beautiful adventure called life. My moment.......our moment.
