You can prepare yourself for some things in life and other things, well, those moments pull the rug out from underneath you. I prepared myself for this moment in time. I went over it and over it playing it like a broken real of film repeating itself in real time. I knew it was a possibility but I some how convinced myself that this overplaying was just a precaution and not my reality. I would be the exception to the rule and while so many things are a struggle everyday in my life fate would not be so cruel as to allow me to struggle through one more moment in my quest for happiness. I can close my eyes and hear the doctor explaining to me what may be wrong and what could possibly be right. I heard options rattled off but as I dig through my memory I can not recall what they are. All I know is that as I walked through the exit door and back into the lobby I saw women with their newborns and women expecting. I stared at the floor knowing that eye contact with these blessed women could bring me to my knees. You see, I have become yet another statistic and my beautiful husband and I are officially embarking on a detour and are forced to take the road less traveled down the path marked infertility.
The doctor is not sure if it is the result of the chemotherapy or the result of not trying to get pregnant years ago. I can not dwell on the cause or the timing. Nothing can be changed. Chemotherapy was given and time was squandered and I am exactly where I am supposed to be right now. Looking back is not allowed and I must focus on the journey that lies ahead. I will need all of my strength and positivity that I carry in my soul in order to push forward even when the hurdles seem too much to overcome. I am reminded daily that this battle is not fought or won by one single person but is fought and won by a family and I am not alone.
I have welcomed each and every one of you into my world over the years. You have been able to see glimpses of my struggles, accomplishments and overall sense of hope. Some have asked me why I feel sharing my life, good and bad, is so important. I respond with one word......togetherness. I am reminded through every view, every comment left that I am not alone and my support system has no borders and a sense of belonging can be found in my tiny corner of the world. As I struggle with creating life I am reminded of life and how precious it is big or small.
Giving up is not an option. I am firmly holding on to my faith that good always overcomes in this scary world we live in. I struggle daily with a disease no one can see but one that I yell out into the world. I now find myself struggling with another challenge in my eventful life and in true Danica form I am sharing it with the world one needle prick and one shot at a time. I do not see parenting as a burden but a blessing and I can not wait until the day I can literally count my blessings one little noggin at a time. Until then the world is our support system and I will call upon it frequently because I will have so many questions and not enough answers to ever quench my thirsty soul.
