IVF......It Is A Marathon Not A Sprint

I shared the exciting news of our new adventure when we began this journey. I walked out of the doctors office celebrating because we were going to be an easier case. All signs pointed to success and less thought was thrown into the failure ring. My numbers were amazing for my age and my egg quality and quantity was above average. For once my crazy body was cooperating and the doctor told me we may have found an organ system that had not been affected by my Lupus. Cheers all around and once more, this was going to be successful and we were a case that all expected would result in a delivered baby nine months or so down the road. Nine months or so down the road, four beautiful day six blastocysts, one unsuccessful transfer, one devastating miscarriage with two embryos and one waiting in the freezer for late summer.......nine months later nothing is as it was supposed to be. Nine months later I realized IVF is not a sprint but a marathon. A longer marathon than anyone will ever have to run with their two feet I have ran with my own heart.

Everyone tells me that it will all be worth it. Most who make those comments to me have no idea what is endured through this process. Those who have went through IVF hold your hand....hold your heart with no words exchanged because they know all to well what is in store for you and the pain that will come on this journey through hope.

It started with testing, awkward positions and weekly dates with "Wanda" the internal ultrasound wand. The phlebotomist becomes your best friend and your clinic is on speed dial taking the place of your friends and family. As your numbers are monitored and hormone shifts are detected the work truly begins. Injectables were started and lets just stop there for a moment. When we say injectables we mean multiple shots in your belly every single night! The mixing of the mediation alone takes over thirty minutes and each shot is given right on top of the other. Every night you switch sides but eventually bruises form and towards the end of your stimulation phase your skin is a road map of veins, black and blue marks and welts marking where last nights injection were and where tonight's will still have to go. Every night it MUST be at the same time. No stopping off at the grocery store, no dinner out and stopping for drinks with your friends, forget that for the long hull. To say those moments alone are life altering is an understatement.

During the stimulation period basically what you are doing is tricking your ovaries to grow as many eggs as they possibly can in a safe manner to be surgically removed in the hopes that you will have some mature for transfer. A normal cycle most of us go through outside of IVF result in a singular egg developing and being released. This allows others to conceive during this period. IVF patients want as many as they can get within a two week period. I stimulated for ten days. That is ten days of three shots in your belly along with oral medication down the chute. Ten days of timers going off and dance parties during the mixing of meds. Ten days of so many hormones changing every thought and feeling you have from minute to minute. I truly feel it is a tight rope walk with one side being normal and the other insanity. I just prayed everyday that no one would cross my path if I spent a little time on the insanity side.

After my ten days going through hell I was wheeled into surgery with a respiratory infection and small fever. I was trying to hide my cough for the anesthesiologist. I knew if he heard me I would not be taking my much needed nap, instead I would be awake for the procedure. Through begging and pleading we agreed that he would monitor my breathing and the first issue he saw I would be brought back and would have to endure the procedure awake. Thank goodness my lungs cooperated because for the first time in weeks I had a peaceful sleep!!!!!

During retrieval they insert a small needle into your ovaries. The doctor is guided by an ultrasound  into each follicle they see and extract the egg that could be possibly inside. Each ovary is drained and the eggs are given to the embryologist. While they are finishing up with me the embryologist takes the sperm and inserts a single one into each egg. This is referred to as ICSI, Intra-Cytoplasmic Sperm Injection. This allows a guarantee of fertilization for each egg but after that they have to choose to grow. It just gives it a bit of a boost in the whole process. For us we had 15 eggs retrieved (my doctors goal for every patient), 10 of those eggs were mature and eight were fertilized. Out of our eight we were told to expect half and that is exactly what happened. We had four day six blastocysts that we froze as soon as they were approved by the embryologist. We were told they were beautiful!!!!!

I want to take a moment and let you know that if you choose to go through genetic testing that will occur before the final embryos are frozen. What that does is allow the embryologist to see if there are any chromosomal issues that would make it impossible for it to implant or grow much past the first few weeks of implantation. We chose not to have it done. That is a decision I honestly regret after going through everything we have had to endure. The reason we chose not to was very personal to me. I felt that I was pushing the scientific envelope and wanted to leave something up to chance. We had no indication that we would have any issues because of the testing prior. However, more than likely our miscarriage was due to the fact that our little blueberry was never going to be healthy enough to be our bring home baby. If I could have prevented the trauma I went through loosing my baby I would have given my arm for it. If anyone now asks me if they should test their embryos.......you bet!!!!! We have even discussed testing our remaining one but the thaw freeze thaw process needed would be more harmful and it may not survive the process to even make it to transfer. I have to put my faith in something larger than myself and believe that one good one out of four is possible.

Our clinic believes after such an event as stimulation your poor body and soul need a moment to breathe and reset. They only do FET, Frozen Embryo Transfer. Some studies even show that FETs have more success rates than fresh transfers but I am not sure about that. I know families who hold a baby in their arms from fresh transfers as well as frozen. We immediately started another round of oral hormones to start the preparation for our first transfer. Thank goodness no needles were used during this time but no one prepares you for the reactions you will have on the hormones. I thought the injections were emotionally draining, this takes the prize!!!!! I picture my husband lovingly looking at me and thinking back to that beautiful day on the beach and dreaming of the moment he said I do........now he looks at his crazed hormonal wife and says I did????? It makes me laugh in the face of tears. These men who go on this journey with us are something special. There is not a single person I have been involved with over my life that could have EVER endured what we have. It will make or it will break you both.

As you prepare you once again see the phlebotomist every other day. During this time my veins collapsed and long sleeves were the only thing able to hide my bruises that ran up and down my arms. Eventually we moved to the hand and I even told them once to go into my foot. As the results come in every other day your medications are reworked to match the levels you are at and to map the way to the levels you will need. My alarm was set for every eight hours with one ring tone for one medication and then another ring tone once more every twelve hours for the other. All day, everyday. Remember how I said those after hour drinks with friends needed to be left behind???? The hardest part is that for one of the medications you must lay flat for at least thirty minutes after each dose and in the end that medication is the every eight hour alarm ringing in my head. It is gross and miserable but it is necessary.

Finally transfer day is here and things are a bit different the days leading up to it. You are started on a dose of high steroids that will force your bodies immune system to shut down so it does not treat the embryo as a foreign object and rid itself of it. This is a tricky move for someone with an autoimmune disease. My immune system thinks EVERYTHING is bad and takes itself out on every organ you can think of. Making sure your body is in a happy state at this time is crucial not only for baby going in but for mama dealing with Lupus. You are also started on a strong dose of antibiotics for any type of infection that could ever occur with any procedure. My favorite, the happy pills!!!! For the first time in months you are given a Valium for relaxation and to me there are no amount of hormones that can make you feel bad when on Valium!!!! I actually think we should be allowed a dose a day during IVF!!!! Maybe one for the husband too.

Let me tell you that the time leading up to transfer is so intense. You are putting your body through so much as a woman. The amount of hormones and scans are astronomical and no one unless going through IVF will ever understand what you have to commit to and for the length of time you are committed. The transfer itself truly only takes seconds. You put yourself once more in that all knowing uncomfy position us women must go through. They rinse you out internally with a hose. Yes, a hose in the operating room!!!!!! The catheter is inserted and the ultrasound guides placement. You have an extremely full bladder at this point so of course I joke with my doctor to go light on the ultrasound or I may pee on him!!!!! Then it happens.......you see a picture of your embryo and before you know it you have an ultrasound picture of your little baby that was placed inside mere moments before. For the first time in your entire life you are pregnant until proven otherwise. Into recovery you go and I am inverted for one hour praying that I can hold my bladder that long.

Finally I am home and bed rest is ordered for the next few days with light activity until the day of our BETA test. Most women think of this time as the TWW, Two Week Wait. We know exactly when conception takes place therefore we only have a little over a week to wait. However, that shorter period of time is dreadful and every moment is emotionally charged. Time moves slowly and every twinge, nauseous moment and hormone headache that is felt leaves your mind to wonder if you are pregnant or is it just the medication.

To me the following three weeks after transfer is the hardest. Our first transfer did not take. There was no implantation, no pregnancy hormone secreted, nothing. We do not know why we just know it did not work. That was tough. You do everything in your power for months for this to work. You have been to Hell and back physically and emotionally. However, there was never a pregnancy to mourn or a loss truly felt. You cry for a day and call the doctor back and schedule your next try. Hopefully this one will result in your dream coming true of being a mama.

Another month of crazy medication, blood work and scans leads up to transfer day number two. Same everything as the last time. My only change was acupuncture and readjusting my thyroid medication. In the operating room there are seconds of darkness resulting in the glow on the ultrasound screen and another new pictures of the two beautiful embryos transferred this time. Home to bed rest and the wait began once more.

This time there was joy!!!!!! Nine days later my doctor called me at 5:45 pm with the news that we were in fact pregnant. For the first time in thirty six years I was growing a tiny human. I was overjoyed and could not believe that we in fact made it through this crazy journey with a positive outcome. I continued going in every other day for HCG levels. For IVF patients and some normal pregnancy patients the doctors need to see your HCG levels at least double every twenty four hours. Once your numbers show a steady increase for a week your BETA week has ended and the first ultrasound is scheduled. I settled into the idea that I was pregnant and those things that made me gag every time I smelled them would be around for a bit. I had to continue to rest everyday and was given the go ahead for light activity once more.  None of this mattered because I was going to be a mama!!!!!!

At six weeks we went in for our first ultrasound and saw our Blueberry!!!! It was there but the doctor was concerned. Blueberry was six weeks along but was only measuring about half way through the fifth week. This is not normally too alarming but it was something we still had to follow up with. Another blood draw. This time the numbers came back perfectly where they expected them to be with how far along I was but we needed a comparison. The next morning I fought traffic to once again have my HCG levels tested. This time when the doctor called the news was not good. Our numbers started to slowly drop over the twenty four hour window. He told me we were loosing our baby and that I would miscarry. This was on Valentine's Day of this year.

I made a hard choice within those first few days and decided I would miscarry naturally. I wanted to give my body a chance to do what is normal in this situation. That choice lead me down a very lengthy path. I did not physically loose my baby until two full weeks after we found out it was dying. It took my body another four weeks to stop producing the pregnancy hormone. I was fully pregnant for about seven weeks and it took me the same amount of time to complete the miscarriage. The miscarriage for me was so traumatic. I have never felt my heart break the way it did when I no longer could talk to my growing baby. My daily conversations stopped. I could not sleep in the dark for over a month and leaving the house was impossible. In the beginning I could not chance the physical part of the miscarriage starting somewhere other than my home. This was my safe place and that is the only place I could be. Movies and shows I watched while I was pregnant I could not watch for sometime afterwards. The fear of enduring another loss keeps me up some nights and leaves me panicked during the times I am awake. I remind myself that with great sacrifice one can experience great reward. I am still waiting for my reward. I will continue to sacrifice until I have nothing left to give.

A miscarriage is something no one should ever have to experience. I feel those who go through IVF struggle especially hard because it was not something left up to fate as you try for a family. It is something you have physically created by altering everything normal about your life for months on end. You do not just wake up one morning and take a test and are shocked it is positive. It is something you fight for every moment of everyday. When you loose your IVF baby you can not just wait and try again. First you must have embryos left to try with. You have to start the medication over again and hope that against all odds that you will  experience pregnancy and motherhood through this great loss and heartache. We are thankful because we have one left but only one. That is all we will ever have. If this transfer does not work we will not have biological children.

The worst thing anyone and yet everyone feels compelled to say to me is that maybe you will step away from the stress and miraculously fall pregnant. I hear things like if it is God's will it will happen. People tell me all the time that no matter what you will be a mom in one way or another. The worst is when people tell you that miscarriages happen and you can just try again when you heal. None of these comments should ever be expressed to someone going through IVF. No, we will not miraculously fall pregnant. There is a reason we had to go through IVF and it is not because we can naturally get pregnant. God does have a plan but when you are in the throws of a loss and know you have only one chance remaining that plan is confusing and heartbreaking. After healing we do not get to just try again. I have to go through months of more medication and once more carry the fear of this last one not working and our family having to take another path. Yes, there is adoption and I love the idea but I do not love the idea right now. Once that is our only choice that will be THE choice. For now I can not let me heart or my soul go there. I still have hope that this last little one is my engine that could......I think it can, I think it can, I think WE can!!!!!!

After the miscarriage my body decided it was ready a lot sooner than we anticipated. Within days of my last blood test being negative for HCG we started the process all over again. I cried the first night I started birth control. I yelled during hormone imbalances on estrogen. I stopped eating for days because the progesterone makes me feel as though something as simple as swallowing water will make you vomit. For over sixty days I prepared my body for our last little embryo. The date was set for May 16th and we were ready. I was praying that my body would remember what it was like being pregnant and maybe, just maybe this little one would snuggle in and stay a bit longer than his or her brother or sister did.

Twenty hours before our transfer I just felt something was wrong. I was in the kitchen preparing food for the week ahead while on bed rest. The husband still has to eat even if I could not stomach it! I thought I was just having a bad reaction to the medication but realized my medications had not changed and this issue was not something I had experienced before. I called the doctor and they told me to hop into Urgent Care and see if I had a Urinary Tract Infection. We really believed that was not the case but we had to dot our I's and cross our T's just in case. I deal with chronic pain every day. I deal with kidney issues as well. I have to have my urine tested and cultured every month for the rest of my life. I have been there and done that numerous times! I was shocked when in fact I was in the middle of a pretty yucky urinary tract infection. Within moments of me giving my sample the news was delivered to me and my clinic. Five minutes later I was informed that our transfer was canceled. All of that work and sacrifice only to start over once more. I was devastated to say the least and was so upset that my blood pressure had to be brought down with emergency medication. THAT is how devastating a blow like this is to an IVF patient.  Today I am still recovering from that moment. I try to remind myself that it just was not the right time but even me telling myself that fires me up!!!!!

Last week I started back on the dreaded birth control as well as everything else I have to drop down the chute in preparation to try once again. We were given a date of June 14th for our next and final transfer. This would allow me to not be on all these hormones for another sixty days BUT this would interfere with our family vacation. A week on an island off the coast of North Carolina was calling our name. My entire family would meet there for a week and roam the beaches with two little munchkins in tow. How could I not go???? We sat down and had a heart to heart and decided it would be best if we waited until sometime in July. We need this vacation. We need a break from this continuous battle that will have taken an entire year by the time we are finished to even get pregnant if we are blessed in such a manner. Our embryo is as snug as a bug in a rug nestled quietly in the freezer. It isn't going anywhere but me, I have somewhere to be! Off to the beach we will go followed by an additional few day in historic Wilmington. It is the much needed breathing room our hearts and souls need. Yes, I will be in the middle of the dreaded hormones but at least I can run free and as fast as I want along the beach.

IVF is isolating and extremely lonely. Most you meet will never have to endure something as drastic and life changing as this process. That des not help those of us in the throws of it. It is a quiet community we live amongst. Every once in a while someone steps forward and takes your hand and leads you down this less traveled path with knowledge from their own experience. I am so thankful that I spoke out in the beginning and have had a few walk into my heart and hold it while it breaks. It is not easy and it is not for those weak in the heart. You must be able to take the joy and the sorrow and learn to continue to live every day. You have to learn to be present and happy for those who are expecting during your journey. Jealousy will show its ugly head and your heart will break more times than you thought was even possible. It is ok to step away from life and friendships so that you can heal internally. Those who love you will embrace you during this time and will wait for you until the days are no longer cloudy and rays of hope shine bright.

I fight every day to continue on this journey. Every morning I wake up and as I start the ingestion of medication I cry outwardly that I can not do this for another moment. Somehow, by the grace of God, I find myself at the end of everyday telling myself that tomorrow I will try again.

I do not know how our journey will end. I do not know if this time next year I will be holding my own baby. One thing I do know is that I am going to experience becoming an Auntie once more!!!!!! Baby girl Riley will be arriving in the next few months and I could not be more proud of my baby sister. My bestie is welcoming her third as a giant surprise. She did not hide from me but fought back tears as she told me she was expecting during our failed first attempt. She held my hand and cried for me and I looked at her and saw nothing but love. Her honesty and welcoming of my own tears reminded me of why she is one of the loves of my life. Another joy has found its way into my life. An amazing friend is on a beautiful journey as a single mama and has welcomed me into her family of two. Princess Poppy and I have special snuggle time that heals my soul. Through my heartache and loss she embraced me and gave me what I needed in that moment, a sense of family right here with me now.

This journey is hard. This journey is not for everyone. This journey is mine and I have a story to tell. A story that is full of hope and courage. A story that just maybe someone needs to hear so that for once during their own journey they do not feel so alone. My story is dance parties during injections, feeling defeated when the world is to much to carry alone and hope that still stems from loss. It is a story that ricochets in our tiny IVF community as a story told by so many. It is not a story of tall tales but a story told by those of us who survive through this every day just to wake up once more tomorrow to try again.


And then Jesus looked across the Earth and said, "That's the one.....She's the one I choose. She can do it."

My Sisters

They know me more than I know myself at times. They are the shadow that  are always there but may not be seen on sunless days. I long for them in the dark and can clearly see their faces in the light. We hold each other's secrets, hopes and dreams. I could not imagine a life without them and I would not be who I am if they never existed. I have permanent best friends, fighting partners and true soul mates. I have my sisters.

To say the last few weeks have been a difficult journey is an understatement. I have begun the preparation for our last little embryo transfer. It is a tough road to walk and at times it is the loneliest of roads. Day after day your are engulfed in a wave of hormones. Between doses there is not a moment to catch your breath. The person you see in the mirror is not who you feel like inside. You become a stranger to yourself and rely on those around you to remind you that in fact you still exist outside of all of this craziness.

I exist outside of this journey. I am not just going through IVF. I am me. I am silly and snort when I laugh really hard! If you ask me to do an accent, well, it will always be Jamaican. I talk about bodily functions way to much.  I am a child advocate who gives littles a voice that can be heard over all those loud grownups.....including myself. I have a green thumb and can garden with the best of them. I have an adventurous soul. I creep around icy corners on shelf roads. I love tremendously and I leave a mark on others lives that can not just be erased. I come from a flyover state that rolls in corn fields and something is terribly wrong if you do not wave to a stranger. Maybe that is why I have never met a stranger.  I am constant, steady and pure. I am me.

Sometimes it is hard to see me in where I am at right now. I am engulfed in this battle to become a mama and yes, for those of us going through IVF it is a never ending battle. However, there is a beautiful light that finds me when I need it the most. I see the little baby deer spotted cheeks in pictures of my Lauren. Mia is dancing....tap dancing....just like her auntie!!!!! In a few months I will hold my new niece and I am counting down the days until she is here with us. Are we even capable of producing boys in our family?!?!?!?!?

My life may change in the upcoming weeks and it may not. Through tears of joy or through tears of sadness I will see the ones who have always been here. The laughs of the little ones in my life will wake me up once more and bring me back to life. The silliness will find its way back into my days. I will be reminded how much I am loved by the faces that look a bit like mine. In good times and in bad they are constant and I cling to them in this sea of uncertainty in life. 

My sisters, they are bits and pieces of myself. They are the keepers of what matters most and are the first to remind me that I will never be lost, alone or on this journey without a hand to grab in the darkest of moments. For I am a part of my sisters and my sisters will always be a part of me. That alone in this world is enough to complete any heart.