Skin and Bones

As I lay down I stare up at what some may say is the bleakness of the void in the darkness presented to us by Mother Nature herself. In the darkness our minds race with worry, sickness and we face our own mortality in the depths of the night We find ourselves alone in a world that races with others and we try to imagine at this exact moment in time our darkness is known as light somewhere other than where we are. Comfort is what we look for in those thoughts and the thought of tomorrow reassures us that in fact we are not at all alone.As I study the night sky and embrace the darkness above me I see the glimmers of light twinkling billions of miles away. There is beauty in the depths of this darkness and light is above us at all times reaching out to us and infusing our eyes with the bit of light that leads to hope. 

I watch as others move through the night sky in silence with no awareness of my presence below. If they knew that somewhere down there someone was watching would they think twice and pause for a moment and wish wellness on the world below? Are they also lost in thought like those restlessly finding their peace in the night? In reality we are all constantly moving through time even when the night engulfs the light of day. Some travel through the skies, some stare at the stars and others toss the night away in the comfort of their own beds. One thing is certain for all of us is that we are all experience the passing of time at the same pace.

Sadness is not found in the night sky for myself and the passing of time does not frighten me. I have embraced the life I have been given and I have accepted the challenges that time has place on my shoulders. I will carry the weight of pain and illness everyday throughout my life. Every night I will throw my worries, fears and thoughts of loss up into the sky. It will be the burden of time that will be placed on the stars and for one moment I will seek relief through the beauty of the darkness and loose it in the void. For a moment I will loose my pain and suffering to the great abyss and as the stars wink back at me I know they are keeping me safe and tomorrows challenges will be met with a restful heart.

All of You

I have been huddled into a corner for so long and now a hand has emerged from the far distant light I can only see when I squint. I reluctantly take the hand with the hope that this hand will lead me to truth, life and love. I weightlessly hold my breath as time moves slow and the future continues to unfold. Where there was once fear and sadness is hope and laughter. Where the thought of time moving forward left me crumbled on the floor in a puddle of what used to be me I now stand tall and whole again not as I was before but how I should be now. 

I have stepped out of my past and into the arms of my future. These arms are strong and powerful. When wrapped around me I am safe from the outside world and even feel a sense of safety from myself. I feel overpowered by the love that is emanated from the heart that now beats for me and longs to see me when I am not there. I am made to feel beautiful when my body is whispering words of ugliness into my ears. The pain resonates in his heart due to the momentary defeat Lupus covers me in and he aches for me during the muffled cries of pain that can be heard when looking deep into my eyes, coming face to face with my soul. I am complete just as I am with the patched work of my past seen all over my body. These patches make me who I am and made me into the women he has grown to love oh so very much.

His love has challenged me in ways I could never have imagined. My whimsical way of looking at the world and twirling through everyday brings him out of his box and into the chaos only known as Danica's World. I look at him and see myself in his eyes and know that in front of me stands my future and I can not believe it was waiting for me all of this time. It patiently waited over the years as my heart prepared for this love. I would never go back and do anything different due to the fearful consequences that could result from one moment of change. I will take my scrapes and scratches because the hands that now heal me are the most gentle and kind hands I have ever felt. 

When a moment in time stops and we must choose to step forward we can not make the step without taking a piece of our past with us. In our hearts and souls we wish that new beginnings would truly be new and the pain from the past would not flow ever so gently under the closed door into the present. The best we can do is close our eyes and step into the light of today thankful to have another's hand to hold and hope for the best in our tomorrows. For I am not perfect, he is not perfect but together perfection can exist.

35

Today I celebrate my 35th year in this world. I look around and not everything is what I imagined but I realize everything is just as it should be. Bumps and bruises and heartbreaks and healing, I touch my toe to the water and the ripple begins.

When you stop and really examine what life has given you. You are faced with the reality of choices, the warmness of blessings and the heartbreak in things you can not change. You realize life has not turned out the way you expected. Some find themselves with families when their dream was to travel the world. Others find themselves single yet again and no we do not have the plague. Never mind the pity that washes over others when you hit THAT age and still have no children. Moments of your life that are raw and real for you become quite evident by others who find themselves happy that they are not in your shoes. Why does life's magic moments miss some and embark on others?

I can honestly say at the ripe young age of 20 I did not see me at 35 just as I am right now. I never imagined I would have to fight a disease that would debilitate my young body over time. I imagined a life with the unconditional love of an amazing man and little ones running under foot as I raced around picking up after them and their busy lives. No, I never I imagined I would be who I am or where I am at today.

Ok, collective sigh around the world in one......two.....three......BUT before you jump on that pity wagon let me give you a few other things to think about. While I may have missed my early in life forever love and not have started my family at a time deemed "appropriate" by some standards, I also never imagined the life I have had up to this point. I never imagined I would have had the brains capable of graduating from a university with a degree in accounting and finish on the Dean's List. I was told in high school that I would most likely be the president of a sorority named Kappa Kappa Sweetheart and drop out once I married. I always thought I would settle down the road from my family but nope, life handed me Arizona and even when it is hot I embrace it so tightly, maybe not as much in the summer! I never imagined I would explore Costa Rica, have explored Baja Mexico, Colorado, Utah and California from the back of a truck!!!!! I have surrounded myself with chosen family that laughs at my crazy antics, allows me to cry when I am in pain and surprises me with my favorite things. I have become a surrogate aunt to my friends little ones and have been blessed to watch a little one grow up in front of my eyes and I am still able to sleep in on the weekends!

I pose the question again, why do life's magic moments miss some and embark on others? The simple answer is that they don't.