There are not a lot of things in this world I know for sure. Two things my mama always taught me when I was younger that would guide me in adulthood is that you need to treat people the way you would want to be treated in every situation and to share, share, share!!!!! Well, I am sure the later of the two pertained more to toys with my siblings and not my overall life. My mama taught me very well as you can read! When I started the IVF process I anticipated the sharing would be bumped up a notch and some simple compromises would need to occur......I had no idea what I was in for!!!
As a patient with Lupus I have grown accustomed to sharing my life and my body with medicine. I am proud to choose teaching facilities so that others coming up into the medical field will develop a knowledge for this rare disease that affects each of its hosts a bit different. I spread awareness daily and pride myself in the knowledge I can pass on to those who have never been affected by an autoimmune disease. It is a kaleidoscope of ever changing colors. Just when we think we have the upper hand on everything we are shocked with a set back. To say the least, I have lots of experience sharing.
My life is no longer shared with the medical field. My life is dictated by medicine. Our ritual begins at 6 pm. Everything is gathered at the kitchen table. We make washing our hands silly and a time to catch up on light facts from our days. Greg is the mixologist and he helps me add the saline to the powder. We stare in awe as we watch the immediate result of clear liquids. Once our science lesson is over for the night the hard part begins. Two injections in the tummy......that is not a fun shot spot and I know shots!!!!! The medicine burns as it goes in and within a hour the headache that never went away from the day before is back with a vengeance followed by constant abdominal cramping that only is relieved when lying in the comfort of my own bed. Days seep into the nights and before we know it we are always sitting at the dining room table in the evening ready for the next round.
Once the shots move through my system the doctors take control of everything!!!! They dictate when I see them and with IVF it is not on your schedule per say but your inner bodies clock that keeps everyone involved ticking. Mornings are fast becoming reserved for blood draws and internal ultrasounds. All sense of normalcy and privacy has exited the building leaving you feeling crazy and wondering if it is just the hormones talking. At least on the way into the building you are greeted like Norm on Cheers. It is their smiling faces that keep you moving forward from one room after the other and chatting about your weekends. My IVF team are becoming fast friends and family. They are creating my family, so rightfully so.
With the loss of self and constantly injecting medication you would think I am crazy. I am not a crazy. I want to be a mother. Those who have not struggled with infertility that lead to months and years of heartbreak will never be able to wrap their hearts around our struggle. What came so easy for most becomes a constant struggle for others. Understanding and compassion take a backseat to phrases about having faith and being patient. Faith and patience is something we have an abundance of and now we cling to medicine to create our families.
Today I was reminded of why I get up and repeat everything everyday. I looked at the screen as they examined me. My amazing nurse took the time to show me one half of every possibility. I saw what will hopefully become our tiny human. It renewed my sense of hope and filled me with encouragement. There is a reason I am doing all of this to my body. One day I want to walk the halls of my IVF clinic and see our family hanging on the wall thanking everyone for helping and encouraging those that are still hoping.
