The Lupus Bride

Stop rubbing your eyes.......you read right......I am mere months away from being a bride!!!!!! I can not even begin to tell all of you the excitement that is a buzz in our home, our families homes and within our circle of friends!!!! Announcements have been made, showers are being planned, registries are coming together and alas the countdown begins. Anyone who has been a bride knows how exciting this time is but also the stress that is intertwined throughout the smiles and the well wishes. Weddings seem to bring out the best and worst in people. The stress is not only a burden carried by the bride and groom but anyone and everyone who is personally involved in this process. It is all very normal and when all is said and done every bride looks back on their day and reminisces how they would not change a thing. They must not have been a bride with Lupus!!!!

Everyone of us who suffers with an autoimmune disease can close their eyes and still hear the many doctors emphasising how important it is to remain as stress free as possible. Our diseases like to show their ugly faces when we least expect it and stress, well, it is the doormat that welcomes our disease to the party. We are told to make friends with those pesky little dust bunnies that chase me around all night in my dreams. Exercise when your body allows you and when it does not......listen very carefully and you will actually hear your body begging for the bed. As someone who loves to garden, dance and do everything the normal gals my age are doing, I must remember normal gals my age are not starting their days exhausted from the moment their eyes open and I am pretty sure they do not struggle to do something as simple as tying their shoes. So, I have decided that I am just extra special and the butterfly landed on my nose and may have stayed just a little toooooooooo long!

When the time came to decide what we were going to do in order to make our special day as intimate and about the bride and groom as possible.......we started to plan a wedding and reception here at home in Arizona. Two weeks passed and already I was stressing about the venue, the guest list and more importantly the cost. I was receiving information from family and friends who live out of state and most would not be able to make it all the way out here to Arizona. Talk about adding to the already forming stress ball!!!! So, with the absence of very important people in our lives we decided to reevaluate our plans. What do you do when you want to get married but avoid the hassle of planning an enormous party for everyone else but the two people who matter the most.......that is right, you hop on a plane and take a trip of a lifetime and somewhere in there tie the knot!!!! That is just what we are going to do!!!! The stress ball has been removed from my life. In its place you will find two tickets to St. Lucia to one of the most romantic and intimate resorts. A place where we will stand on the beach just the two of us and make the most important promise to each other in a ceremony just for two. At the end of the day the two people vowing to spend their lives together are the only two that matter and the most important aspect most brides and grooms forget.........the wedding may be fun but the most amazing thing I am looking forward to is the marriage.

Those who mean the most to the two of us, we have not forgotten about you. It will be a year of celebration that kicks off just the two of us amongst the Caribbean Islands but comes full circle as we celebrate with our Arizona family and friends when we return and finishes with an amazing reception planned by my mama and my sister in Ohio. 

Here is to Greg and I as we truly begin our lives togethr in a year of celebration and most importantly a year of LOTS of cake!!!!

Lifetime

He gently wakes me after I have fallen asleep on the couch. As I shuffle into the bedroom he takes my hand and makes sure I do not fall. The covers are pulled down and he gently turns on the heated throw that I snuggle into every night as though it is my life line to a restful sleep. I crawl into bed and he looks at me with those deep blue eyes and tells me once again that I am loved. I drift off to sleep to the sound of him in the other room still relaxing into the night.

In the middle of the night I cry out in pain and his gentle touch and reassuring words remind me that I am not alone. He asks me what he can do to make this moment pass. He takes my hand and rubs it until the circulation returns and the throb subsides. I lay back once more praying that it is the only disturbance of the night but reassured that if it is not he is a reach away. I do not fear judgement or harsh words from his mouth. The worry of unacceptance is no longer in my mind. What I now know is what unconditional love truly is and the acceptance from another so complete and pure.Love like this for someone like me is the greatest gift one could ever receive.

As I stare out the window the next day I think to myself how is this even possible? I thought I had been loved in the past; however, this is much deeper and uninterrupted. There are no conditions placed upon my heart. The worry I carried over the last year in regards to my health is nothing but an afterthought. Lupus is no longer the elephant in the room but an extension of myself that is seen as a lovely part of me that makes up the building blocks of my heart. There is no shame in the pain I feel anymore. The trips to hospitals are an adventure themselves that I no longer embark on alone. The medicine is a reminder on his phone every night and the wobbles I seem to find myself in often are something we can giggle about. I am free of all restrictions I once placed on myself and where those restrictions once were I find joy and freedom I have never felt. I now can see the true beauty within myself and all it took was the pure release only discovered when pure love enters your heart where fear once existed.

I am loved. I am loved with no conditions. My heart is in his hands for safe keeping. Home is in his arms after a long day. Life begins when the sun goes down and we find ourselves in the familiar routine of the night. Laughter is a permanent sound in our home and tears shed is a very rare occasion. After thirty-five years I have found what I have only imagined. As I am reminded nightly that I am loved I must say to you that you too are loved and in my arms you will always be home.

New Year Resolution

Even as an adult the anticipation on the very last day of the year excites me and leaves me with a feeling of anticipation!!! As the ball dropped I paused and kissed Greg and welcomed in a new year full of surprises yet to come, a family to start and a walk down a very special isle. During all the excitement in our new home I stopped to think about what we all set out to do.......change something by making a resolution to do just that. We now find ourselves at a precipice staring down at yet another resolution we are about to push off of a cliff and disappear into oblivion. What if this New Years resolution has nothing to do with changing something about yourself but actually accepting something else that truly exists in front of you three hundred and sixty-five days a year? I have pondered that tiny revelation and thought to myself that instead of dieting, taking larger risks or staying on task more often that I would focus completely and solely on myself........just as I am. 

It is the idea that has started to be passed down to our children because it was once passed down to us. We stop and remind them daily how loved they are and how perfect they are just as they stand in front of us today. Somewhere along the lines we grow into adults and realize not everyone thinks we are perfect. Instead we are bombarded from an early age that others think we are not good enough, smart enough or pretty enough. However, we are faced with a new year that encourages us to make the changes so we can fit more into a stereotypical role that society deems as beautiful. We could fret over all the imperfections in our lives and stare at ourselves in the mirror wishing that we were not who we actually are. 

That leads me to my new year challenge for all of you to take on and follow through. I request that instead of focusing on changing ourselves why don't we stop and look deep into our heart and soul and focus on accepting ourselves. Accept our flaws as if they too were gifts. Your nose maybe a bit larger but you inherited that from your grandpa who was a great man. You have wobbly bits......who doesn't?!?!?! I myself have Lupus and there is nothing I can do about it so I am taking on the daily challenge and the daily fight Lupus forces me into. I am going to embrace my limitations and NEVER feel sorry for myself. 

Let's all get together as a group and decide that we are perfect just as we are. No one can fault us for something that we already love about ourselves. Which leaves you to greater than life acceptance from each and every one of us and from others because can we demand unconditional love and respect from others when we deny it to ourselves???