I miss you.

May dear Grandmimaw,

You have only been gone for a few weeks but now you can see from where you are that you were gone for a lot longer. I am sorry that you had a disease that no one could help you with. I wish that something could have kept you with us a bit longer before you slipped into the world of the unknown. We never left you alone. Mom and Aunt Gail were there almost everyday and they would visit and talk with you even if you did not recognize them. You raised daughters who would never leave their mama alone in this world. Us grand kids would come and visit when we could and I tried to talk to you even up until the end. We would continue to celebrate your birthday and each holiday with you. Those are the types of children your daughters raised. We all stuck together as a family and we said goodbye to you as a family. You were never alone even though at times you felt as if you were surrounded by strangers. We never stopped loving you and we never will.

I can close my eyes and see you in your old kitchen clogging away, teaching Holly and I the best you could. I think Holly and I both got our love of dancing from you. Oh grandma, I can close my eyes and hear you call my name. I remember every time we talked I asked how you were feeling and you would always reply fair to midland. It makes me smile just writing it out. You were so beautiful in this world. Your smile lit up every room and I could hear you smile through your voice even when I was so far away. You always knew what to say to make me feel better and you stuck beside me as I went through some of life's toughest hurdles. You were always one of my biggest fans in this world and I yours.

I don't know how to let you go. I was looking through my contacts on my phone and there you were. I wanted to call it just hoping to hear your voice one more time. I still can not remove it but maybe over time I will be able to. Thank you so much grandma for teaching me lessons in love and life. Thank you for raising wonderful daughters who in return raised us. We will all be ok but we will miss you especially through out the next year as Mother's Day comes and goes. We will miss you at Christmas but will continue with your cookie making tradition. We will miss you on your birthday and everyday that follows. You were the song in our loves and now we have to learn to march to the beat of our own drum. 

One more thing grandma.......lean in, I have a secret for you.......I love you, don't tell anyone.

Your Danica Rae..............................

Time

As a little girl I looked at getting older as this amazing thing that happened every year. It was marked by family and friends, presents and lets not forget, CAKE! I looked forward to getting older. I celebrated the milestones just like everyone else. I turned sixteen and I started driving. I turned eighteen and started college. I turned twenty-one and yes, had my first drink and my first date with the Porcelain Gods! It was exciting and you could just feel that you were on the brink of a new challenge, a new adventure but once you pass your special milestones and you really grasp what getting older means you see how life is going to continuously change and not always for the better.

I have been doing a lot of internal searching and have been trying to find my way through a world that seems so scary and lonely right now. I lost my grandma a few weeks ago and I have struggled with the loss. She was the best grandma in the world and I have so many amazing memories but thinking about them still brings tears to my eyes so I am locking them in my heart where they will be safe and never forgotten. I miss her so much and I am so thankful for the 33 years I had her in my life. I will carry on her traditions through out my life and some day the tears will turn to smiles and laughter just as it should be. I am just navigating the waters the best I can at this point. I do think there are times when I need a giant purple unicorn inner tube to help me float along the way.

So, as my birthday approaches this year the joy I felt as a kid is missing and the reality that I am getting older every year and knowing that life does not wait on you to be ready leaves a little bit of a sour taste in my mouth. I know this taste will pass and I hold out hope that one day birthdays will become magical again and even at an older age, wishes can still come true.