Wind Chimes

The sun does not shine today. The wind blows the world around outside of my safe place and small drops speckle the window pane. It is chilly and the world looks so sad out my window.....in a complete moment of chaos. I focus on the song I hear in my head, it is the chime of memories and love. I hear my grandfathers wind chimes.

While Mother Nature throws one more chilly fit I feel warm inside. For the first time in so long I see the sun. Not out my window but in my soul and can feel it radiate from my heart. Could it really be the end of my winter? Has things truly happened for a reason and has life shown me a glimpse of what is really set before me in my path through life? I believe again. I believe in hope, love and family. The fight is over and what is left is complete peace when one let goes and closes one door to only see a glimpse of another door slowly opening. What is on the other side is yet to be seen but I know it holds the key to all of my dreams and happiness. 

I feel like I am standing at that once terrifying ledge of life clinging to the past so I do not dare fall off. Now that the past has been released and I have let myself fall into the unknown the fear has been swept away and what was left is nothing compared to what I am going to find. 

As I fall into the darkness I realize it is not dark at all. There are colors of vibrant blues and shades of meaningful maroons. The tears are no longer falling along the window panes of my life, now they are dry and I feel the glow come back to my cheeks. The wind that first took my breath away fills me with life and reminds me to breathe because with every new breath is the promise of tomorrow.

The fall quickly slows and I realize I am not falling, I am flying at my own will. I choose the direction which I will take. As I look around I am not alone. Isolation smothered me on the ledge but as I now fly I see the faces that have always loved me never left. My mama still calls my name, Lauren and my Mia's smile at me and see nothing but perfection just as I am and an uneasy breath of release is heard from all those who love me. They can see that nothing has ended, instead everything has truly just begun. The hope we could not see through the tears was always there and now with dry, clean eyes and a rested heart it is obvious. Life is not over......it has just begun.

10,000 and counting..............

A world filled with uncertainty can be a very dark and scary place. Moments overwhelm us causing us to reach into the dark abyss ahead of us. Searching.....reaching for a hand to hold. All that is wanted is the simple touch of reassurance and gratitude whispering ever so gently to us to be still and let go because everything will always be alright and we will never be allowed to fall.

Finding my voice over the last ten years has been hard. It has been a scavenger hunt that has slowly been discovered in experiences and memories that have guided my path. Realizing I had a right to speak about something most keep private has been a mountain I continue to climb on a daily basis. Through my climb I have come up against ledges that have stopped me in my tracks. Labeled with shame and scoldings I continue to climb and my voice becomes louder and louder. I have felt the falling debris and I have had to pause and rest my tired soul but never have I ever lost hope. Every hurdle I have faced has built up my strength and allowed me to keep going........one movement at a time. 

Those who suffer in silence should suffer no more in the stillness of their days. All need a voice and those who are no longer with us need to have their memory and love shown until that last of us take our final breaths. I created this blog in a moment of suffering in silence. The darkness never lifted and days seeped into the nights. Pain lingered without refute and in this struggle alone I stood up for myself and others who suffer right along side of me in this vast world. I decided to scream at the top of my lungs to the world in the form of writing. Others were able to come into my world even if only for a moment in time but for that moment I was heard and others could finally start to understand what it feels like to live with a disease that others can not see or feel but so many of us suffer from. 

Two days ago I reached an amazing milestone........10,000 views in less than two years. All of them took a moment out of their lives to understand mine. I am forever grateful for each and every one of them.......from Russia and Japan to the support from others around the rest of the world. I believe in advocacy and for once I believe in my own voice. A voice that I promise to strengthen over time and that I promise will continue to fight for each and every one of us that suffer from something others can not see and therefore may believe does not exist. I promise to make you laugh, smile and even cry but most of all I promise to never give up until one day each and every single one of us can run and dance freely with no restrictions put on us from our very own bodies we have been given. 

“Dare to Be

When a new day begins, dare to smile gratefully.

When there is darkness, dare to be the first to shine a light.

When there is injustice, dare to be the first to condemn it.

When something seems difficult, dare to do it anyway.

When life seems to beat you down, dare to fight back.

When there seems to be no hope, dare to find some.

When you’re feeling tired, dare to keep going.

When times are tough, dare to be tougher.

When love hurts you, dare to love again.

When someone is hurting, dare to help them heal.

When another is lost, dare to help them find the way.

When a friend falls, dare to be the first to extend a hand.

When you cross paths with another, dare to make them smile.

When you feel great, dare to help someone else feel great too.

When the day has ended, dare to feel as you’ve done your best.

Dare to be the best you can –

At all times, Dare to be!” 
― Steve Maraboli, Life, the Truth, and Being Free