What have you done for me lately?????

One may ask in selfish resentment.......what have you done for me lately? Darkness clouds the eyes and frustration fills your soul as you search for clues hidden beneath the moments in time. Answers are needed but open ended questions are what you are left with. Again you stare it in the face. Penetrating every ounce of what stands before you. You ask as tears roll down your cheek........what have you done for me lately????

Pain has washed over you moment after moment. Movement has been frozen in time and the wish  normalcy has once again been lost. In the wake that is left behind life is shattered, dreams are lost and you are left with what has crumbled around you. Slowly you bend over and slump to the ground and pick up the pieces. For the longest of time the pieces continue to just slip through your fingers. The ability to grasp is lost and you are paralized in the moment wishing that your will was enough to make the smallest of differences. A negative energy is the gift given in a pretty package. Pain and sleeplessness is the dessert after a four course meal and agony is paired with defeat. What have you done for me lately?????

As the question hangs in the air with defeat worn as a proud badge I look at it straight in the eye. A smile creaps into the darkness and light shines through. The heaviness in the air is swept away by a sweet breeze. You may burden me with pain and discourage me with road blocks but you have not defeated me. You may hurt my body and break my heart over and over but you have not stolen my hope. You follow me everywhere I go but what others see when I walk into a room is my bright eyes and radiant smile. You have not stolen my will and will never take away my joy. I will always look you right in the eye and challenge you to go ahead, try again.

As national lupus month comes to an end and most forget for another year the daily fight that occurs everyday for me, I stand up everyday to an invisible disease and continue to challange it. It may be a part of who I am but it has not and never will define me.

Reflection

In the stillness of the day and the quietness of the night I find myself reflecting on what is and what could be. I reflect on the new begining and focus on learning, trusting and loving once more. I feel hope restored, laughter tends to roll off of my lips and smiles radiate from the here and now as I twirl my way through the days. However; even in these intense moments of compleute and utter joy and hope I find myself wondering if my heart should be held tighter than ever to avoid the hurt that can result from so much love.

When I look into his eyes I see kidness, love and compassion. In his embrace I feel safe from the ugliness of the world. For the first time in a long time just the presence of arms around me and the intimacy of a touch of a hand as it embraces mine leaves me speechless. From the moment I knew that unconditional love existed I have searched around every bend and looked under every rock to find its exact hiding place. Is it possible that we have been searching for each other? Could he be the one who I have been waiting for all of my life? Has unconditional love finally entered into my world? I hold my breath waiting to see what the future holds in fear of breathing out and waking up from this dream that has now become my reality.

Ever so gently and cautiously I put my heart in someone elses hands for safe keeping. I trust unconditionally that happiness will overcome any possible heartache and time will finally be on our side. Life has not stopped but continues to move forward just as I must also do. Patience is required and time will continue to move ahead but I will wait with baited breath hoping that my moment in the sun has finally risen and will shine on day after day.

Fall Into Me

I sit silently with an empty chair next to me. Over the years the chair has been occupied by few and has yet to be coveted by the one to sit down and not leave halfway through a moment in time. I long for the one that cautiously asks if they can buy me a drink with the slightest of hope glimmering in their eyes as they navigate through the blue ocean leading to my soul. A glimmer of hope is exchanged by two hearts. The promise of possibility still unknown to even us. 

Time will stand still with a glance from across the room. Our souls unite in the most intimate of moments in the night when the light seen is the reflection of each others souls seen by two people holding tight to one another. Laughter will echo through the days and passion will fill the moments left. Safeness will finally be felt and the worry of tomorrow will no longer exist because tomorrow will be faced with a hand that has reached out and holds on tightly with the intent to never let go. 

My heart has been taught lessons of anguish and have seen moments of complete beauty only found between two people lost in one moment completely together. The world slips away and what is left is two and only two in that exact moment. Life seems to stop and the sun pauses to shine one more last glimmer of light on two individuals who have seen the dark for to long and is ready to bask in the warmth of a promise of a new day and a new forever.  

Sounds rush above me but I am lost in an embrace that when I close my eyes I can still feel the tightness of strength found in the arms of a protector. The fluttering of my heart and the butterflies felt throughout my body reminds me of the power of hope and joy in the search for new love and life. Acceptance is felt and I am no longer sick.......I am simply me with blue eyes, glasses and a smile that radiates from the inside out. It is one glimpse into my soul that someone will encounter when they meet me. 

However, I am looking for the one who sees my smile and can feel it radiate through themselves. One who can not imagine a day without hearing my voice and dreams of a future full of adventure and surprises around every corner. Who dreams of seeing themselves through tiny fingers and first smiles. Giggles that fill a home. One that when walked into love is not a question but the actual building blocks and foundation of the beautiful life found living within. 

I find my heart on my sleeve and my thoughts, emotions and feelings have become an open book. I patiently wait for someone to dust of the cover and sink in deep to read about who I am and absorb endless love that I emanate from me to another. I know my dream is a reality and that somewhere someone walks along through their day not knowing that the best thing to happen to them is just moments away and finally life will feel complete and a life dreamt about will come to fruition. Love will exist and time will stop as we look deep into each others eyes......in that one moment life and love will truly begin.