Sadness and Joy

As much as we try to shelter ourselves and busy ourselves with the upcoming holiday you can not help but to notice a change in the world as we know it. From a sense of sadness and uncertainty that gripped each and every one of us on Friday as the news came in, we were left stunned as a nation gripping with the realization that our tiniest members are not always sheltered from the ugliness waiting for them outside of our loving embrace. It is the happiest time of the year for so many and slowly grief fell on us as a country and covered our joy with sadness. 

Most of us are not mourning for the loss personally because we have not lost someone we love but we are mourning with the thoughts of the little ones we still get to love. Some feel guilt that as the new year rolls in. A new year full of firsts, laughter and love with their children is at the front door waiting to be let in. How did they get so lucky and how devastated would we be had the roles been reversed? 

Friday night all I could think about was my little princess Lauren. Her smiling face that is speckled with baby deer spots (her freckles) and how her voice and laughter is so innocent and full of hope and her blues eyes shine so bright every moment of everyday! She was just a little younger than the precious children affected by this tragedy and next year she will be entering Kindergarten. I allowed myself for one moment to think about what would life be like if her bright light was blown out before any of us were ready. My heart broke and my breath was stolen from my chest. I remembered the last hug I gave her and how I wiped her tears as I left for Arizona. I thought of all the stories I have read to her and how there are so many more out there to share with my little red head angel and her beautiful baby sister Mia. I knew in that moment that I was lucky because my life with Lauren and Mia has really just begun and I still have time and magical moments to share with them! They will ride their first roller coaster (I think Mia will cry like her Aunt Danica), try so many flavors of ice cream and will be able to experience the joys of growing up and I will be there to cheer them along the entire way! 

I thought of Suzette and how she goes into a school building every morning with the hope of touching a little ones life. She leaves her life behind every day so that she can educate the doctors,  lawyers and future teachers of our world. She loves them unconditionally even when they have naughty streaks. I can not say that she would give her life if she was faced with this situation because she already has.....every moment of everyday when she enters her classroom. She not only has four kids of her own but has twenty five new ones every fall. Those are her children just as much as we are and the love that is poured out everyday is what changes lives and our world. 

We will continue to feel sad and question why and be thankful that almost all of us have been spared and our families will be together. We also must celebrate the joy that our most innocent loves bring to our lives. I want them to stay young for as long as they can. I want them to be protected from the anger and confusion we see so many times as adults. Let us all celebrate the gift of life....young and old and let us remember that there is eternal beauty in all of our homes and hearts and that is the most powerful gift we can share during one of the most difficult times our nation faces and during one of the most magical times for the millions of little ones still embraced in our hearts. 

Christmas

I may not have came from a lot growing up. I may not have seen the world or had fancy parties. One thing I grew up with was love. Unconditional no matter what you did kind of love. I remember coming down the stairs at Christmas and no matter how many presents were under the tree it was such a special day full of magic, love and laughter! The Christmas tree sparkled, snow was always a possibility in our minds and there was a hint of magic in the air. Letters to Santa were wrote and mailed with a hope of receiving everything on your list but come Christmas morning that list did not matter and whatever it was that Santa left you was the best present ever! I remember Christmas night when the day was almost over we would always say to each other, this was the best Christmas ever and every year it was! 

I miss the childlike wonder that Christmas represented and slowly with little ones being introduced to our family you can feel it and see it begin again! Letters to Santa are written and our Christmas Eve traditions growing up are passed down to the next generation. Cookies are being left for Santa. It has truly become the most magical day of the year again! You can see in their eyes that every Christmas is the best Christmas!

Every year I know I may be toooooo old for letters to Santa but I still compile my Christmas list in my mind and heart. I have replaced wishes for a new doll with wishes of less pain. I wish that next year less will suffer and more laughter will be heard every where I go. I wish to come across a new special spot to replace the old one because this means I am seeing things again! I wish for my beautiful nieces to continue to grow and express themselves.  I wish for a new beginning for them everyday and hoping that everyday helps to build who they are tomorrow. I wish for my sisters and brothers to enjoy those special moments in their lives that take their breath away. I wish that this time next year we will all be together again, if not in person in our hearts. I wish for new challenges and new beginnings. I wish for the loves of my life to find joy and contentment in their surroundings they find themselves in. I wish for all of us to continue to give unconditional love to the ones in our lives that may need it the most. I wish for my love to continue to grow and open new doors into the future. I wish for more of those small moments you find yourself in when you beg the world to stop for just a minute so you can record everything in that moment in your heart. I wish to dance more and to have the ability to move without the stiffness of the tin man. I wish for just one day that everyone can come home at night and just be with their family and truly have that be enough to fill their hearts until the following night when we get to do it all over again. 

My wishes over the years have become more about love, compassion and growth. I would love to ask for a doll and have that be enough to keep me going until the next year or the next holiday but I have continued to grow. I have realized that time does not stop for anything and those moments that we want to record will never be here again but the memory of those moments will live on and be in our lives just as long as we remember. 

This Christmas take a moment to look around the room at everyone joining you. Listen to the laughter and joy in their voices as the celebration continues. Feel the warmness in your heart and close your eyes. Capture that moment in your heart. Let that moment live in your memory throughout the year and let it remind you that even though Christmas is just one day that comes along each year the love you feel at that moment is forever. 

Don't let the door hit you in the booty!!!!!!!!

I find myself unable to sleep in lately. Most of the time it is because I have been able to spend some time with Tim in Albuquerque and sleeping in tooooooooo much is a waist of the morning. Oh my goodness I sound like my wonderful grandma! Other times I think it has to do with the pain that comes with the colder temperatures during the night. I swear, if you have anything affecting your joints you are now your own meteorologist! You can tell within 12 hours if the temperature is going to drop drastically or if rain is moving in. There is absolutely no reason to watch the weather channel when you have us around, hehehehehe! 

Now that we have established our joints and different patterns it is time for me to give you the update over the last few months. It has been a trying few months but that's ok, we will all have those in our lives. Since I have last updated you I have seen the pulmologist, gastroenterologist, and nephrologist. Yes, it has been a busy few months!!!!!!! You would think with all of those appointments I would have some answers and I do but I questions just a few of them so here you go!!!!!

It began with the pulmologist. If you are reading and you personally know me you will know about the cough I have had over the last year. It is not very productive but can cause me to breathe really deep to catch a breath and some times that is way to difficult to do. I was diagnosed with adult asthma seven years ago but as soon as the pulmologist saw me he said that it wasn't asthma and I probably have GERD. That is a very fancy acronym for acid reflux disease. I have never had acid reflux so I could not tell him toooooo much. He referred me to the gastroenterologist. 

When I saw the gastroenterologist we talked a bit, listened to my lungs and also confirmed that he to also thought it was GERD. I said ok we will see what the tests show and we will go from there. So, they implanted a device in my esophagus for a forty-eight hour reading (thanks Connie for going through that gross procedure with me). Once they had the readings I went back for my consult. She looked at me and told me my readings for the first few hours were off the charts but after that they were perfectly normal. To me that sounds like I don't have issues with acid BUT she accused me of taking acid blocks during the normal readings and so she put me on two very strong medications for GERD because the first few hours were high. Ok, I am not a doctor. I am good with numbers and love to make things from my own home BUT I think anyone could see that maybe the readings were very high the first few hours because you just planted a foreign object in my esophagus........I am not a doctor.....I am just saying. 

After all of that hooplah I went in to see the pulmologist again. I was so excited for this visit because I had just finished with two rounds of pneumonia and been in and out of the hospitals in Phoenix and one tiny visit in New Mexico. He walked in and asked how I had been. I went on to explain to him that I had been dealing with pneumonia and he looked at me a said I really doubt that! I was so taken back by this and I just looked at him and said ok, here are my scans. He looked over them along with the scans from his own emergency room and didn't say much about that except he doesn't really read these anymore. I was appalled  I made it through the visit and he never even listened to my lungs. He told me to give the strong medicine for GERD a week or two to kick in and I should see some relief. That was over a month ago and I still have my cough, issues with breathing and I don't feel any different with the medicine. Next........................

I have to deal with REALLY high blood pressure and not just some of the time.....most of the time. For example my reading on Saturday night was 159/99. So off to the nephrologist I go!!!!!!! I went through my examination and he didn't have toooooo much to say except to stop one of the blood pressure medications and add a new one to replace it. The funny thing about this medication is it is also a diuretic because some people who have high blood pressure will carry a bit of water and other goopy things and that can put a lot of pressure on your system. There really is no reason for me to even have blood pressure issues. I have had high blood pressure since I was 24 and no one ever questioned it. I asked if we should look at the adrenal glands and make sure they were ok. He said no, not right now. I left and I think that was the final visit before Thanksgiving. 

Lions and tigers and bears oh my! The answers I have received have seemed ridiculous and so far fetched. Through this process we were hoping to change a medication or two and hopefully eliminate others but they have just added more and more on top of the ones I have always taken. It has been trying and there were times I look back on and I am so happy no one was in the car after these appointments! 

So, for now I have decided to give myself and most importantly my body a break over the next few months through the holidays. It has been so exhausting and painful over the last six months and I want to enjoy the holidays with my family and friends! Please do not take this as me giving up.....think of it more like a recess and yes, I am running out the door screaming with joyous excitement that I don't have to go back for some time!!!!! I picture my hair that was and still is out of control 90% of the time blowing in the Albuquerque wind! I will continue to look for more answers starting in February but until then I am going to let the wind blow through my hair and enjoy my recess!