Wrinkle of Life

The coordinates tell us we are close and the clues we read over and over leave us filled full of excitement, it's a scavenger hunt for grown ups! One that allows us to search at night with no curfew or bed time hanging over our heads. Of course we have to get up with the sun but it is far to much fun not to go to bed with the moon. The ones that came before led us to seek even more. On the top of a mountain I climbed, I ruffled around a power box and chased the setting summer sun to a fountain in the middle of Oldtown. You may think that there must have been a great reward waiting for us or a clue to something even greater but I must stop you there. At the top of the mountain was a little book and lots of tiny trinkets others have left in their wake. Behind the power box was a magnet that lead us to giggles at how silly we felt but also the complete wonder at how something so simple could take us back to being so young. Treasures left by others only to be added to with passing time. A memory from the past that I continue to take with me in the future.

As time marches on and life speeds by I find it harder to stop and find the childlike sense of wonder in our everyday world. There are times I am left wondering as I wrestle with sleep what moved me today.......what inspires me and what about tomorrow still ignites unimaginable hope and curiosity in this ever aging soul?

I find the answer in the question posed. It is the hope and beauty in the future that draws us in. There is a constant reminder of who we were when the world was an open book of endless possibilities and paths less traveled. In a life where giving up would seem so easy and no one would criticize due to your daily struggle with pain and reoccurring heartbreak, the end of the tunnel still beckons with a beautiful kaleidoscope of color. It pulls you back out from the grasp of what originally pushed you in. 

I knew the true prison of being drawn from the kaleidoscope of life for far to long. The darkness that drew me in during those final moments left me always needing more light to grow. I never knew true color until I lived in true sadness. Today with every twist of fates hand the beauty of life is spread out in front of me begging for me to take its hand and dance with the winds of change. It is an insight that can not be contained. Lupus showed up and forced my heart and soul to truly change the way the world was seen. I have accepted this beautiful gift with the true cost being something no one would choose to pay. 

I have wrapped my kaleidoscope in a perfect little box. I have stored it in my heart for safe keeping until it is time to share once more with tiny eyes filled with childlike wonder. There it will stay until the day my miracle finds me. 

http://www.fairhavenhealth.com/

Are you there..........

The pain used to come in waves. It would ebb and flow and as I would brace for impact I knew in my heart that this would pass. Days of pain washing up on the shore of my life would disappear and days with more comfort were seen on the horizon. I clung to those moments of relief. A small respite in this never ending battle. Now the waves no longer come in and go out. I have found myself wading through the still and stagnant waters of constant pain. I have chosen to sacrifice my comfort for the possibility of the joy of a child. 

Recently I have found myself questioning when to much is simply just too much. I will not admit that out loud and even seeing it in writing breaks my heart a little piece at a time. Do I have enough strength for another month or maybe six more months of trying? Lupus has robbed me of so much in my life. I can not allow it to take one more dream of mine away. I have to fight. I have to fight for everything. I have to fight for things that come so easily to others. I have never wasted a moment of my life asking why and I will not start now. 

I am on my knees looking up above asking if there is a God. I beg for relief and resilience that is needed to make my small but significant mark on this world. I ask for the grace of understanding to be placed on my heart and the knowledge to know when my body has had enough. In my soul I know that everything happens for a reason. I may not understand today or even tomorrow but one day, one day my life will be clear and I will see why this suffering and struggle had to take place and had to be a part of me. 

I must have faith. I must believe that there is a greater purpose to my life with Lupus. It is not time to abandon my dream of being a mother. I will not let Lupus rob me of my love, my commitment to my family or my heart of a fighter. For when the days seem to be the darkest the most beautiful light is still yet to come. 

May I Have This Dance

The clinking of the glasses echo through the room. The rolls of the eyes are clearly made for all to see but the kiss, the kiss that was forced by everyone else surrounding them was pure and real. Love exists between these two beautiful souls. A love that could not be denied, even with the roll of the eye. 

As the celebration carried on the stars of the show decide that enough attention was poured onto them and it was time to reflect it back to those who mattered most in their lives. The parents who nurtured these two hearts to adult hood and helped shape them into the people who stand before us. The grandparents whose shoulders were a safe haven to cry on with no judgement living amongst this relationship. On and on, one by one, you could pinpoint the significance every heart in the room had on this newly formed family. I watched as the newest bride and groom danced their first dance. Once the song concluded an announcement was made that all married couples must report to the dance floor for a very special tribute.

After a little coaxing, everyone found their way to the dance floor. Music began and the dancing started. A few moments passed and  a request was made that everyone married for less than a year to please exit the floor and find their way back to their tables. The music continued to play and slowly with each new request fewer couples remained. Finally one couple was left standing, holding on to each other and gazing into each others eyes.

They no longer resembled the two young kids who were married at eighteen. Time had marched on and aging crept its way across their young faces. Bodies were war torn from long ago battles and children blessed their lives but took a toll on their aging hearts. The fluidity of the boxtrot could not be found and a gentle sway was witnessed as they each secretly held the other up. Even after all the years had passed the faces they gazed upon were the most familiar of all. Every wrinkle that found its home found a place in the others heart. Every part of them had been detailed in a fine map tucked in the recess of their memories.. Here is where they were and here is where they would always be. They live in a place where age does not touch their love. It is cemented into their history and has been the foundation for the story of their lives.

Recently married I am infant in the marriage world. We continue to live in the newlywed bliss of everyday life. Fights erupt but the comfort of knowing the other will always be there has given way to new forms of communication. Everyday is a learning experience and also contains some of the most rewarding of moments. It is a comradery of the two of us against the world which results in a feeling of being larger than life itself. In the middle of everyday life we searched and found a life long companion that never limits the amount of love given in a single moment. Lupus and infertility does not hold back this love but nurtures it and teaches us personal humility, grace and wonder in the simple moments of life.

I have taken away in the brief time I have been married a knowledge that I always knew but never experienced. Love is an ever changing horizon we each look out upon in our lives. Clouds roll in, storms drop rain and as the sun peaks back out another layer has been washed away and exposed leaving a new layer of love to be nourished. This new layer is enriched by its surrounding environment and grows wild under the sun. Time passes and layer after layer is added and a true love story is created. One that is carried on for generations to come and sets an example for all of us to dance to.

http://www.fairhavenhealth.com/