Holiday Bells

Tis the season!!!! It is the most wonderful time of the year, or so they say. I am one who adores Christmas and would celebrate it three hundred and sixty five days a year. My best friend Krya and I start festivities in the summer when the heat bares down on us. We turn on the Christmas music and turn it up until the little ones give in and dance through the house with us. It is a time of year we long for. Not only does it give us a respite from the smoldering summer heat but allows us to rejoice and reunite with our families once more. Soon Greg and I will be heading out for a trek cross country that will end with open arms, laughter and love. As I address Christmas cards to my loved ones I am reminded of how hard the season of celebration can be for individuals like me who suffer from invisible diseases such as Lupus.

My Lupus tends to hit hard this time of year due to the around the clock celebrations, busyness that follows us like our shadow and the stress of making everything just perfect. I am reminded today of the frustrations we can all feel during this beautiful time of year. I am tying bows that will close my Christmas cards on the quest for card perfection. I am trying not to loose my holiday bells as I fight every loop I create and search for its buddy on the other side. I lost all feeling in my fingers almost two years ago to the date due to severe inflammation in my body tissue resulting in nerve damage. This makes tying bows quite a challenge!!! After a few flying cards I take a break so that those holiday bells I am on the path to loosing stay with me allowing me to giggle and enjoy the holiday cheer in my heart.

For my grown up Christmas wish this year I would like everyone who knows someone who fights so hard everyday of the year with a disease that you may not see find some much needed help from their friends and family. If cards are sent out a bit late and Santa finds his way to your house before the card does, find joy that your holiday was extended by a few days. If presents are not bought due to the inability to shop just rejoice in their presence because it has been a challenge all year just to make it to this point. Those Christmas cookies we all love, well, bring them lots of them!!!!! Ok, maybe that one is solely for me but who can resist those cookies?!?!?! It is time for family and friends and those of us who suffer need you everyday of our lives but we may need you even more during times like these. We long for normalcy and dread the look of dissatisfaction from others. Please be kind this holiday season and show compassion and love and reach out to those who need it the most. Most important, remember that this is not just a season for giving and receiving but a season to rejoice with those we love and find comfort in the familiar. 

From Greg's and my home to all of yours....happy holidays and may you find peace, love and joy this holiday season!

New Beginnings

I slowly boarded the plane and closed my eyes wishing that distance would remove this hurt in my heart. The pieces lay scattered all over my life and family was the healing presence that I needed the most. The brisk winter wind whipped across my face as I left the plane. It took everything I had not to crumple on the jet-way from emotional exhaustion. I held myself up and thought to myself will this pain ever end.

The mist is wiped from the mirror as I get ready for bed. Staring back at me is the same girl that walked off the plane looking for solace in the distance that separated my life. The hurt that I thought would never leave my heart has become just that.......pain from the past the is a distant memory today. I look around and I see our new home and find myself in a different world.

A year has gone by and I feel as though I have aged in a matter of months what seems like it would take a lifetime. I have been broken only to stand up and realize that there was absolutely nothing about me that was broken, maybe a little scratched but not broken. Today as I look at my reflection I am healed and the pain of yesterday is a moment in the past. 

I have grown up so much over the last year. I have accepted people just as they are and wish for them to be nothing else. I have found strength within myself where it had been hidden for so long. Every morning I wake up and I am excited by the endless possibilities of what the day may hold for me. In reclaiming myself I have discovered love that I never knew existed. I have rediscovered hope, joy and love. 

I have found new acceptance of my Lupus and realize that it is not a condition of myself but an extension of who I am. I have seen scary times in the emergency room over the last seven months but in return I have felt the healing power of my own energy from within. In the next year I am prepared for surgery and have accepted the new challenges Lupus has bestowed upon me over the last few months. I do not feel discouraged at all but instead feel ready to battle anything my disease throws my way. I am not defined by Lupus, I am defined by who I am with or with out it.