Letting go.

One of my favorite projects in school involved something as simple as a letter and a balloon. In grade school the teacher had taught us about pen pals. Pen pals??? As a kid I had no idea what that that was but my teacher told us about having friends you had never met and sending letters back and forth!!!!! I was a little hesitant about this because another reason to write??? I think my teacher had an ulterior motive when it came to this pen pal thing! So, one day she brought in a massive amount of balloons! We wrote our information on a small piece of paper and she tied each one to a single balloon, mine was red. After lunch we went out and she handed us our balloons. She told us to be patient as she passed out each and every one. Yeah right, patience in grade school, that is like telling a dog to not eat a treat that sits in front of him!!!! We all did our best and in the blink of an eye she yelled let go! 

I can still remember watching my red balloon get smaller and smaller as it went higher and higher! After we let go I felt the excitement in my stomach and focused all my thoughts on that one balloon. I just kept thinking go little balloon go! I wanted a pen pal and that balloon was my key to finding one! I remember thinking about it for a long time after that.........in grade school years, a few days. Finally one of my classmates received a letter from someone who had found their balloon! Everyday I would watch as more letters came in to my surrounding classmates and how I would just wish for one letter......just one! Finally when all hope was almost lost on my red balloon I received my letter!!!! What makes me laugh to this day is that letter I had wished for for so long, I don't remember it and I did not hang on to it.....I can not even tell you what grade I was in. What I do remember is that red balloon and the the words spoken by my teacher..........let go.

Today I was seen by an ENT at Mayo Clinic here in Phoenix. She was a wonderful doctor with an amazing bed side manner. She made me laugh end even let a little secret out, it was my nurses birthday! I thought to myself as she pushed a camera through my nose this doctor will answer my wish!!!! She would be my red balloon! After all, I have seen over eight doctors since the second week of June. Every doctor I see runs the tests and I stump them! They then think about what they could not see and send me to the next specialist. This is not necessarily a bad thing and what I love most about Mayo is that every doctor is intertwined by their computer system. You don't have to carry files upon files of your medical history and you don't have to wait for the tapes of your scans.......it is all there! There for each and every specialist to pull up and examine. Questions answered before they are even asked! It is actually brilliant and I think it is what makes places like Mayo so special.

Well, my amazing, wonderful bed side manner ENT was not my red balloon. She was a bright spot in this process but had no answers for me today. It is so hard when you get your hopes up. Someone who experiences pain and illness on a daily basis wants the answer....they want a miracle and sometimes those miracles just don't make it to them. You have to just let go sometimes. You have to throw your hands up in the air and say ok, I am letting go and what will be will be. You make a choice that enough is enough and walk out of the doctors office with your head held high and move on.

This is not something they only tell people who are ill, it is a lesson that we learn in every aspect of our lives. You may be letting a relationship go or anger and resentment you have. You may be letting a loved go after a long battle with sickness. You may be letting friends go as distance separates you. It may even be as simple as letting go of being on time! Letting go is a part of our lives. It allows each of us to grow. You learn lessons when you let things go and you learn what you are made of and how strong you are. Right now my mama is having to let go of an old family friend. He has had an amazing life and an amazing love. My dad had to let go of his mama last year. She had been so sick for so long and fought everyday of her life but it was time and he let her go.

Today I did not receive my letter. My doctor did not have any answers for me today. I will be seeing another specialist. That will make the count for individual doctors nine after October. I am frustrated and battling with the unknown. I must let go. I have let go of that red balloon and today was not the day but I can still see it floating higher and higher! I will wish for it to makes it way into the right hands and I know one day I will wake up, walk into a specialist and they will have my answers. They will have found my red balloon.

                                     https://www.wepay.com/donations/danica-s-doctor-delima

Step up and give me your tickets please!!!!!

It is a very weird feeling that comes over you when you have been the subject of so many tests over months and then.....it's over. You would think that a feeling of relief would flood you and you would do a dance because no more pokes in the arms, no more stand there and breathe only when I tell you and no more barium mixed in applesauce. Believe me there is relief but there are also a lot of questions.......what now?

Most people who have chronic illnesses go through an array of testing when they first get sick and periodically through out the rest of their lives. It is mostly to monitor what the medications are doing to you and what result they are having on your system. Sometimes you may have a new symptom that has just decided to grace you with its presence and sometimes it is just quiet inside of your body. For everyone just starting this process........you will be poked, prodded and tested for everything! You have doctors ask you questions that make you blush! The doctors may even have your loved ones blushing!!!!!!! Regardless of who is blushing, the testing is tough, the days are long and you hope in the end there are answers or more knowledge for you to put in your back pack for a rainy day. What happens though when there isn't new information for you and your loved ones???? What happens when the answer to all your questions was not found???? What happens if when all of the testing is over and the only thing you are left with are more questions?????

This is one of the hardest parts about having a chronic disease and is even more prevalent in auto immune diseases. There are more than eighty autoimmune diseases that have been identified over the years. Some are more common than others and some are more treatable that others. The outcomes can be very different from one to the other but so many of them are misdiagnosed. How can that happen????? The problem is that every autoimmune disease seems to have a symptom that overlaps through out all eighty. This can be joint pain to the inability to sleep. I wish there was one blood indicator that you could test for that would tell exactly what disease it is that haunts your every waking moment but there just isn't. Life is full of questions and instead of answers most of the time all you find are more questions. I wish I could report something different but I can't. 

I have had Lupus for many years and right now, according to my beautiful Lupus blood work, I am in remission. Basically my disease is sleeping. BUT if my disease is sleeping why does it still hurt so much and why doesn't all of the other physical symptoms take a nap too????? I asked my doctor this the other day and she looked at me and said she doesn't know why and that is part of the autoimmune experience. Experience, that reminds me of some roller coaster you are getting on.......YOU WILL EXPERIENCE THE RIDE OF YOUR LIFE!!!!!!! Well, that sound like more of my life than a fun ride!!! Back to the beautiful blood work for my Lupus: yes, I get that it is beautiful but it took seven years of weekly chemotherapy to get to "beautiful". It has caused bald spots and so much pain you are left gasping for air. So finally I am testing pretty and normal BUT that is on the max dose of methotrexate, chemo, and there is nothing normal about that! 

Back to the question, now that the Mayo Clinic testing is coming to an end where do I go to find answers or to uncover the answers of the universe??? I don't think at this stage in our medical lives they have those for me. They have been wonderful and I have seen some of the most amazing doctors but they are not Gods and they can not see why I am so sick but my lab work is so pretty. They can not tell me if five years down the road my liver and kidneys will work but what they can give me and have given me is a sense of a partnership. I am not alone in this battle and these brilliant minds are looking out for me and everyone else who may have one of these eighty autoimmune diseases. They are looking under rocks and in silly places like amusements parks for the key that will end all suffering! I may not have signed up for this the moment I was born, they  did not check to see if I was tall enough and there have been some ups and downs and I know there will be more but one thing I will remember when I close my eyes tonight.......they do not lie to you when they look at you and tell you, this will be the ride of your life!

https://www.wepay.com/donations/danica-s-doctor-delima

You can do it!!!!!!

Leaving my home as a young women in her early twenties was this amazing moment! I had been under my mama's roof forever and between her, my dad, Dave and Suzette I had guidance from everyone! I took all of it for granted especially in those teenage years. I knew everything at sixteen and they knew nothing!!!!!! Who were they kidding..........I knew the secrets to life already!!!! I was a prodigy!!!!! I still laugh at myself. By the time I was eighteen and finished high school I knew that I knew absolutely nothing and all of my parents knew everything. I swear, the older I get the less I know and I tell them all the time! They were so right about life and what to expect and how to make it out there. I truly had no idea at sixteen! If only I knew how smart they were then it would have really helped me avoid being grounded every week!!!!

I was lucky because I had four parents. Of course I had my mom and she was married to Dave and so when I was at my mama's house Dave took on the dad role and he did an amazing job! They are no longer married but he is still a huge part of my life! My dad, Steve, married Suzette when I was very young and when I was at their house Suzette took on the role as my mom and she is still married to my dad and so as you can imagine, she is truly an amazing fixture in my life and always will be. On a side note, Suzette also suffers from a chronic illness so she can really relate to my stories about doctors, tests and the frustrations that come along with not being well. 

No matter what home I was in or which parent I was talking to one thing was always consistent, we were taught that we could do anything in this world and the sky was the limit for us! We were taught that nothing and no one could hold us back except for us. I have two sisters and a brother. Holly grew up to be a corporate psychologist. Stephanie went to school to be a veterinary technician. Jeffrey went to school to make videos and movies. I grew up and became an accountant. You see, each of us had dreams as different as the next and we always had the support of all of our parents. It was amazing!

I have carried on this feeling of being able to do anything through out my life. I was confident when I moved thousands of miles away from my families. I was confident as I finished school......ok, Tim knows that there were many nights of sitting at my desk crying saying that I could not do it! I went back to what I had always been told and I finished. Tim and I are separated right now by a state line and it is hard, it is sad and feels never ending but it turns out Tim's mom and dad also taught him that he could do anything in this world and now everyone is telling us we can get through this. I know we can and we will, we were both brought up to believe in ourselves and the ones we love.

This lesson has been more important in fighting my disease than I had ever imagined it would. When I first started getting sick everyone rallied around and told me that we can do this and we will all get through his. That carried over the years and through the constant changes in medications, diagnosis and just the everyday pain. It has been a trying year for me and my loved ones. I have been so sick for so long but do you think they ever get down about it......no! Again, they are all right beside me in my heart and everyone tells me we will get through this and everything will be ok! I believe them because they have always known more than me:-)

The key word in everything is the word we. We will get through this, we will deal with this, we are all in it together. These words of encouragement no longer come from just my family. They come from all of my friends and even complete strangers. This continuous support has allowed to remember that no matter how bad it gets WE will get through this. Tomorrow is a new day and WE will tackle it together. So, all you mom and dad's out there. Remind your kids today that they can do anything and will always have your love and support. I apologize for all of us kids, those know it all teenage years are brutal and believe me, we eventually see what you are trying to teach us and we see that we actually knew nothing and you have always known everything.

https://www.wepay.com/donations/danica-s-doctor-delima

Book Cover

I was taught as a kid to never judge a book by its cover. My mom would tell me to try a book despite the picture on the front. This eventually was passed on to people. I was told not to judge an individual based on what is on the outside but look inside and see the true person. Choose your friends this way and you can not go wrong. Now as an adult Tim has been teaching me to pick out wine. I am horrible at this simple task! I would go into the wine isle and pick the coolest label. I brought it back to Tim and he would ask me why I chose that one and I told him I loved the label!!!!! Well, after many horrible bottles of wine I am slowly learning through trial and error, labels mean nothing when it comes to the taste of the wine! It amazes me that this basic concept has followed me over the years and has tested me and my ability to choose what is best for myself.

The concept of choosing a book based on a cover has been testing me lately. Most of you know that I have been going through testing at the Mayo Clinic over the last three months. I have had veins blown because I have been poked toooooooo much (we start with the hand now, yuck)!!!!! I have had glamour shots taken of almost everything and I have even been mentally evaluated which actually was kind of fun! I know more tests are on the horizon but I know I am receiving some of the best care in the United States and I must be patient for answers. They see a need for the tests and at times you just grip the side of the bed and breath in and out. The end is near.

Over the last few weeks the results have started trickling in and based on the blood work my Lupus is in remission. It seems the chemo shots are working and have stabilized the Lupus end of things. I am happy and concerned at the same time. My family is excited and rejoices in the joy of my remission. Why am I not jumping for joy??????? Well, the blood work is beautiful but I am still sick. I still have chronic pain, joints in my hands are swollen and the respiratory infections and sinus infections continue to reak havoc on my body and my soul but my blood work shows no active disease. 

This is where the confusion surfaces for me. How can I feel so bad on the outside but look good on the inside? My rheumatologist is happy and really has stopped listening to the issues I continue to have because my blood works shows no active disease right now. It is so hard. I want doctors to not judge me based on the inside right now. I need them to look at me and hear me and understand it is not as easy as just blood work. I know what I feel and I know something is not right. I need them to look past the inside and truly look at me on the outside. I need to be consider as a whole and this means putting together EVERYTHING! Sometimes I think doctors base things on tests and look past the patient and the symptoms they are having. As a patient this is frustrating and heart breaking. You just want to feel better and you want to know what is wrong. You want to live a normal life and carry on. This is impossible when the pain is toooooooooo much!

I am person and I have the ability to express myself and tell you when I like something or dislike something and I have the ability to feel what I am feeling at this moment and express it. There is a reason the body feels pain and we need to find that reason, it is there, we just have to keep looking deeper and deeper. Right now they say the best place for me is in bed and they treat the pain as it comes and goes with pain medication. I hate this! I want to enjoy my day and not sleep half of it away because of the medicine. I need to really step up and push for answers. I am my own advocate and may have to shout it out but I will find someone to listen to me.

https://www.wepay.com/donations/danica-s-doctor-delima

Dirt

Today was a very hard day. It wasn't a hard day in terms of physical pain but it was a heartbreaking day none the less. Today I had to drive away from Tim and leave him in Albuquerque and come home to our home without him again. You would think this task would become a bit easier and less heartbreaking every time you do it but it doesn't. It actually gets harder. Distance makes the heart grow fonder......or something like that, the saying goes. That makes me laugh inside......distance just makes the heart break!

Packing the final few things this morning as Tim slept was a moment of silence before the storm. Quietly waking him to tell him I am ready to leave is still the one thing I find so hard to do. To find the words and then actually speak them is difficult. You know these few simple words will define the hours after you say them. You know you have to leave and you know you have to say goodbye. How is it that one simple word can make such a difference in your day.......goodbye. There is nothing good that comes from this word and two people are left alone after this word is spoken. To me this word tells me it is time to carry on with your life as an individual and find your place without the one you love for right now. Tim and I are lucky and we know this separation is such a small moment in time even though it feels enormous on our hearts. It is what we have to do for our future and it is a sacrifice we make today for a better life tomorrow. 

The drive from Albuquerque to Phoenix is about seven hours and some of the drive is interesting and beautiful and some of it is through the flattest desert I have ever seen! It gives you a lot of time to quietly think to yourself and gather your thoughts and wrap your mind around them. Today I thought of Tim and I and our life together. I played a little game.......I had to think of a word, one word, that embodied who Tim and I are together. The word I came up with was DIRT. Now wait, there is always a great story behind a great love so let me explain and in the end you will nod your head yes.........dirt is perfect!

Tim and I met through a mutual friend. I had to pick up his key so she could check his male while he was out of town. I knocked.......he answered......and here we are almost six years later. We talked on the phone every night after that chance meeting and I was waiting very anxiously for him to come back so we could spend more time together.......it kind of sounds like right now!!!!! I remember he was back in Phoenix towards the end of the week. He called and asked if I would like to go on an adventure. He asked if I would like to go off roading and up to a historic town to have a hamburger and a beer. I had never off roaded before but I thought to myself why not. I love it outside and I find the desert beautiful and this fun guy wants to explore it........win win for me!!!!!!! My mama wasn't on the same page and was worried about me going off in the desert with a stranger......I have to admit looking back anything could have happened!!!!!! 

We left on a Saturday morning. I remember hitting dirt and feeling the first bump and it was so much fun! You would see a corner ahead but at your eye level it was brush and so you had no idea what was around the next turn and every time you turned you found something to get excited about and you could not wait for the next one! We left a cloud of dust behind us and the windows were down and the sun was shining and we were having so much fun!!!!! We made it to Crown King after hours on this dirt road and even to this day we think to ourselves that bar in the middle of nowhere has the best food based on the adventure you have before you get there!!!!!! We got home on Sunday covered in dirt and as we pulled into town Tim looked over at me and said lets make salsa.....you are coming over for dinner. It wasn't a question just a statement and I said lets do it! 

Lets do it has been the answer to every question.....almost every question! That love of the dirt inspired the last six years of our lives! I have been the navigator in a desert race and yes, I wore a fire suit and a helmet that had oxygen pumped through it!!!!! We have spent a week on dirt in Baja camping, just the two of us! It has taken us off the beaten path through Utah and we discovered our favorite place in Colorado! We have almost seen all of Arizona and not the touristy places most people go. Yes, we have been to the Grand Canyon but we went off the beaten path and camped right on the edge with no bars, no tourists and no clicking of a camera. It was the most beautiful moment and a moment when you realize you are so tiny in this enormous place we call home! We have spent Thanksgiving in Tucson and our goal on the way home was to NOT hit pavement! We have seen a helicopter land on the border and saw one of the first established border crossings. Someone once told me they thought we were so weird for spending our free time in the dirt............I looked at her and I explained it to her, we see things that 99% of the population will NEVER see because we chose to take the road less traveled.

Choosing to take this road not only allowed me to meet my love but I now know true beauty in nature. We have also been so lucky to have met the family of friends we have made over all the bumps and through dust clouds!  We have met friends who define the words hard work. We have met friends who define the word determination. We have met friends who have brought us closer to nature by knowing more that we do. We have truly built a life in the dirt. A life that connects Tim and I. A life that connects us to our chosen family of friends and this life continues to connect the past to our future.

This life will be passed on to our children. They will grow up knowing that beauty is not only found at spas and resorts and places you pull out on the side of the road......true beauty is when you stumble across something you know no one else will see. They will appreciate the past that has created this and respect the future enough to leave it just as it is. They will learn that dirt is not something you avoid and rinse off at the end of the day. Dirt holds the true story of our surroundings and in this dirt they will also find a story of a great love.

https://www.wepay.com/donations/danica-s-doctor-delima

Keep Moving!!!!!!

Over the last week we have struggled with a horrible lung infection that has caused my strength to hit the road and blood to make its presence known stepping out to visit from my lungs. The doctor at Mayo said it was Valley Fever. My internist did the other three detailed tests that they should have done. After a week we found out that yes, I had traces of Valley Fever in my blood but when you got down to the nitty gritty I was not suffering from the disease itself. This has alarmed the doctors even more and over the last week I have been told you really should think of going into the hospital but I promised them if it got to that point I would but I had been through worse and this can wait until Mondays appointment with the lung doctor. 

Doctor Timmy has done a fantastic job and has had me on bed rest since I arrived in Albuquerque. He has a very nice bed side manner and will bring me anything I want as long as it is fruit and water! Stay hydrated is our motto at this point!!!! Sometimes I think I could float away with all this water in me!!!!! He could hang on and we could probably go down the Colorado ourselves with me all blown up with water!!!!!! My kidneys are also thanking him profusely!!!!!! They have been doing a little happy dance just for him!

Pretty soon it will be time to leave Tim back in Albuquerque while I make my way home to Phoenix.

 I have a very busy few weeks coming up and I have to say I am not looking forward to them as much as I should. Normally I like seeing my doctors. I know they will always help me feel better. Yes, there is some poking and blood involved but that is a minor thing that I don't even bat an eye at it! The physical exams are the worst part. I truly think that doctors see us as pretzels in their waiting room. The look at us, rub there hands together and think to themselves.......oh, I can make her bend backwards if I wanted!!!!! I giggle because the joke is on them.......I can not even bend at my waist at this point!!!!!! Needless to say, they try and you end up hurting. I never feel as if I need to go to the gym afterwards because the workout she gives me lays me up in bed for at least a whole day!

The doctors we are facing this week are what I call the detail doctors. They are looking at one special detail of my disease and that is all. The first one up is the lung doctor on Monday morning. The lung doctor will look into why I developed Asthma as an adult and why I keep getting so sick with upper respiratory infections. There will be a lot of breathing and a lot of poking, pictures will be ran and discussions of possibly biopsies will be approached. It already hurts when I breath so this is not one I am looking forward to. The next day I see the neurologist who will be testing my nerve endings and how they respond to stimulus through shock.....OUCH! Yes, you feel it and it is a very odd sensation! It will take a few hours for the arms and hands and the legs and feet to be done. I will be exhausted after this one and will need a nice long nap! Next will be the Rheumatologist to just check in with all the tests we are having. Finally we will end on a high note at the Ear Nose and Throat doctor! Hopefully she will be able to help address the reasons for suffering from chronic sinusitis. Again she we will be prodding up in boogie land so I actually feel more sorry for her than myself........it can't be pretty up there! Again we will discuss if we need to do a biopsies of the sinuses and how this affects the whole picture of things. 

All of these wonderful tests will be done at the Mayo Clinic and again, I am so thankful to have such easy access to best care I could possibly receive. It just takes a toll on you mentally. It takes me back to when I first got sick and how I was passed on and passed on until finally someone started treating me for Lupus. At that point you are so thankful that you have a doctor who keeps you on a great schedule and has discovered how to make you as comfy as possible. At that point a giant ray of light rises around and angels sing out........ok, for me it is sock monkeys, because you have hit the promise land of being diagnosed and having a treatment plan!!!!!! LALALALALALALALALALALALALALALA!!!!!!!!!!!!!! No one tells you this is just the beginning!

After you start your treatment plan your body does this silly little thing like adapt to the medication and your body decides that it is to good for all the medicine you have been taking and it is time to shake things up a bit! What????? I don't shake things up.......I am happy being as comfy as one can be in my shoes! Nope, you start shaking it up! Normally you can try other medications BUT if you have a good doctor they look at what is going on and want to know is it the disease itself or something new!!!!!! It's Christmas time for autoimmune diseases!!!!!! Like in candy land.......you are the blue piece and you have just rounded your way back to the very beginning and you have new mountains to climb......I was a sore looser as a kid and I would kick and scream and throw my piece. I wonder what the doctor would say on Monday if I kick and scream and throw something across the room???? I am going to guess she would send me for a psych consult instead of a lung one, hehehehehehehehe!!!!!!

I am not a hat lady and Tim will tell you over and over how he buys me hats to protect my skin from the sun BUT I never wear them. He is right as I hang my head in shame. What he doesn't know is that everyday I do put a hat on. I will put my kindness hat on when I go to the store. I will put my patience hat on when I am driving and I put my maids hat on when I clean up Tim's popcorn crumbs! I have hats for everyday but I am finding it very difficult to find which hat would suite me best for the upcoming visits and tests. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.....................

I know the layered look is from the eighties but we have to break it back out! I will start with my positive hat that will help me see the good in the bad. I will add my brave hat on too. You have to be brave when you are seeing someone knew and having test after test ran. I will put on my patience hat. I will want answers right now and this will keep me from throwing myself on the floor and kicking and screening and seeing that psych consult! I will also need to remember my logical hat. There are reasons for these drawn out appointments and continuous tests and I need to remember to understand that. I will top off this layered hat style with my hat from Tim full of love. Tim always tries to get me to wear actual hats because of my sensitive skin. He loves me and wants to protect me and always makes sure I know that we can get through anything. That is the hat I will see on top of all of the other hats. See, Tim, I do listen to you......I wear a hat everyday to protect my sensitive self! You may think I am not listening but I promise I hear every word you say.

So here we go again. A new day a new week and hopefully new possibilities. There will be hurdles along the way and they may trip you up a bit. They key is to not stop and kick and scream just get back up and keep running. Eventually you will see the finish line and you won't need to run anymore. When you stop you will look around and see all of your loved ones and at that moment you will realize they were not waiting for you at the end, they were running with you the entire time.

https://www.wepay.com/donations/danica-s-doctor-delima

Inspire

Everyone is looking for some source of inspiration in their lives. We want to be inspired, we want to know that there is a reason we get up every morning and we need to feel close to this moment when we lay our heads down at night. What would we have if there was not this amazing moment to strive for in all of our lives? What reason would we have to get up everyday and shuffle through the hum drum of our lives if we knew this was it for us? Well, maybe it is just enough for us.

The dictionary defines inspiration as:

1. an inspiring or animating action or influence

2. something inspired, as an idea

3. a result of inspired activity

The theology states:

4. a) a divine influence directly and immediately exerted upon the mind and soul

    b) the divine quality of the writing or words of a person so influenced.

Basically it is what inspires us to make the choices we see fit everyday and shapes us to become the individuals we are tomorrow. I have spoken to so many individuals through out my short life and after a while I will ask them about their perspective on their own lives. Some say they are content and others will tell me they are waiting to be inspired and once that inspiration hits there will be no stopping them! I will even go as far as to ask them, what inspiration are you looking for? They normally respond by telling me they will know it when they see it! Will they really?

I look around me everyday and see so many inspirational moments that change my life. I see a man helping an old lady to her car........not to rob her, but just so he can help her put her bags in her car. I see a little boy hold his sisters hand as they cross the street after school. I see a daughter who visits her mother everyday even thought her mama will never know who she is again. To me those moments are truly what inspire me. 

It is possible but I don't think inspiration is going to hit you like a ton of bricks. Inspiration is something you must choose to see in this life. Once you see that yes, the smiling lady on the street who waved because she is nice  is an inspiration and the man holding the door open for you is an inspiration. There are no limits to the inspiration you will see on a daily basis. It is like a snow shower. It starts with a flurry here and there and after time it is a constant quietness of snow building and building. You look around you and all you see are that the fields are covered in endless snow and there is a whole new world out there to explore! It is the same for those of you looking for inspiration! There is a sea of inspiration just WAITING on you to dip you toe in!

Tonight when you go home watch others around you, try to find inspiration in silent strangers making a better choice for themselves and others around them. Look at your love when you walk in the door and call to you little ones......they may be little ragamuffins or pups, but they are your family! Look into their eyes and you will see that it is you they waited for all day and it is you who they want to tell everything to! It is you who had inspired them yesterday, today and tomorrow! You are their inspiration and why can't they be yours? What your looking for in this life may not be outside of your front door. Close the door and step back and close your eyes and listen...........those are the sounds of your life, the life you have created in this world............your inspiration. You see, the grass my be different on the other side of the fence but as long as you nurture your grass, your yard will always be the brightest green your eyes have ever seen.

https://www.wepay.com/donations/danica-s-doctor-delima

Pick me!!!!!!!

I belong to an amazing forum dedicated to the diagnosis, prognosis and reality of Lupus and all it affects. Anyone can go to this website and express in that one moment what they are feeling and their fears that have crept up from a normal day to a life changing moment. I especially love the area where new users are encouraged to come and introduce themselves. You can be an individual who is in the diagnosing phase or even a family member who watches their loved one suffer in silence. It is a place for everyone and of every kind. I have found that most introductions start out by stating the obvious.....I am not well......my loved one is not well.......I am afraid I will never be well again. It is the opening of ones heart and soul that creates this relationship full of unconditional kindness truly from strangers you will more than likely never meet. These strangers make life as you know it normal and they allow you more resources than you could ever find through Google.

For me and I know for many other people who have Lupus and other autoimmune diseases this creates a nagging feeling of not being good enough anymore. You don't only mourn the loss of your old self, you also mourn this loss for your family and friends. You wish you could go out and play all day and you wish you had enough energy to donate to a puppy or even a child. This has been taken away from you but it has also been taken away from your family. I have felt this way numerous times through out the progression and changes of my disease. I have been left before and I have been told that some people can not handle life with someone who will be sick. I have people ask me how mad did that make me? At first I am sure there was anger but I moved passed that anger very quickly and I understood. It takes brutal honestly to look at someone in the hospital and say I can't do this. It is not fun being on the receiving end and believe me I had to go through some life changes to move past loved ones and friends just not handling it.

What this did create for me is it created even more of that vulnerable feeling you already have. You question if someone can love you, big elephant in the room and all! You question who will I be and what does this mean to me and my future. It opens up a door full of these thoughts and emotions most people will never face in their lives. It sounds very negative, I know....and honestly at times it feels very negative BUT it is through those vulnerable, hurtful situations that you as an individual are born. My mom and dad created me but it is my life experiences that have shaped me. 

I wish that I wasn't sick. I wish that I did not have to give myself a shot of poison just so my body can survive. I wish I could fall asleep on my own and stay asleep until morning. I wish that I could go to the gym everyday and run until I want to faint. I wish I could mountain bike with Tim and have enough energy to just try to keep up. I wish Tim did not have to carry the weight of both of our worlds on his shoulders every minute of everyday. I wish my family would not have to get that phone call in the middle of the night that I am in the hospital. Do you know what I wish the most..............that my pharmacist would not know my name and all about my family!!!!!! That is when you know there are no skeletons in your closet! 

Those are a lot of wishes but they are followed up by moments I would not trade for anything! Through being vulnerable and not being well I know that love is so important. It is very scary falling in love and knowing that at anytime this could get to be too much but I would not trade that love in for anything. It is honest, true and changes your life. For me the sky is not just blue but so many shades of blue! In the morning the sky has a yellow hue added to the blue as the sun creeps up and pushes the moon away. In the middle of the day the blue is so crisp I can feel it when I breathe and at night it trails away in a stream of reds and pinks. I never really looked at the sky before but now I can't stop staring at it!

The ability to love, be loved and to be compassionate to others and to accept compassion is a gift you have to choose for yourself and it is a selfless gift you have to choose to give others. You have to believe you are worth loving and no matter what is going on in the inside you still are worth belonging. There is no time for woe is me in this life, instead I am going to be the kid in the front of the line waving back and forth, jumping up and down and shouting.......PICK ME, PICK ME, I AM READY!!!!! 

https://www.wepay.com/donations/danica-s-doctor-delima

Test, Test.....One Two.....

Today is when I gather my arsenal of wonderful thoughts, support and just the sense of everything will always be ok. It is the day before a test. Yes, I have more anxiety over medical tests than I ever did in college!!! Those butterflies have been set loose and they are flying through out my body.......calm down little butterflies or you will not get any ice cream! Maybe that will work! Regardless if it works or not, tomorrow will be here in a blink of an eye and I will be on that bed and moved into the realm of medical testing. 

I am not afraid just very anxious. All of my loved ones are holding their breath as we make our way to the end of this series of testing. We sit on the edge of our seat for news of new medications, new diagnosis and new hope. It is not hard to find hope already. Everyone who is in my life and surrounds me physically, emotionally and even thousands of miles away instills this hope in me every moment of everyday. If it was not for this ENORMOUS support group Tim and I would feel so alone and would fight this battle just the two of us but that is not our case! We go into every appointment with each other mentally even when we are so far apart. We go into every appointment with the words of encouragement and love that have been sent to us through warm wishes and kind words. I never go into an appointment alone. I may have no one sitting next to me but I have all of you in my heart.

I will spend my day resting and trying to recover from the infections that have planted themselves in my lungs and sinuses. I will take my shot and rest peaceful until tomorrow's appointment. I will listen to music, watch funny movies and eat as much ice cream as I want.........I am sure you did not no that is how I need to prepare for this six hour test!!!!! It is in the instructions from Mayo Clinic........ok, I can not pull the wool over your eyes but in my mind, that is what they say!

I wanted to share something with all of you. Tim has been training in Albuquerque and Chicago and has been gone far to long. He is unable to physically be here for the next two appointments. It is very important that he knows that we are handling this over here in Arizona. He has been training so hard over the last few months and will be continuing over the upcoming months. Tim has sacrificed so much for our little family. He has saved my life in so many ways. He has loved me during the tough times and has held me through the nights of pain. Tim knows how to make me smile even when I don't want to. Tim is not only my partner in this life but also my the best friend I have ever had! If there truly are angels, Tim is mine and we get through this bumpy road in life in the green 4Runner, bouncing up and down on dirt roads laughing while navigating with our map. Thank you monk........I will carry you with me tomorrow. I will not feel alone because you will be there with me and when I get home friends will be here to surround me and when you get home I will be here to surround you.

https://www.wepay.com/donations/danica-s-doctor-delima