Broken Heart

I was not the easiest teenager to deal with. I snuck out, liked boys and tried to do everything I was told not to. Oh yes, I rebelled! I tested the waters around my mama's nerves until I found the one I could jump on the most and boy did I jump! I challenged her at every door we came to. I questioned everything she said and fought with her as much as I could. Through all of this she showed me what true unconditional love was. After all of that she was still my sanctuary. She was my calm in the storm. She guided me through the rough patches of life growing up and reiterated how this too shall pass. She cradled me when I cried over boys and mended my broken hearts with the kindness of words and the most gentle touch. My heart was glass to her that should never be dropped or broken. 

Broken heart.......how is that two words can break a soul, tear a person apart and leave you feeling empty? It leaves you laying on the grown in a pool of your own tears. No one can pick you up off of the floor. You just have to lay there in this pain that reaches so deep inside of you until you are ready to pick yourself up. You lay in this silence inside yourself with this pain just wanting to weigh you down. Life at that moment looks so bleak and you feel as if nothing in the world will make this broken heart, broken soul and broken spirit better again. You wonder if this ache will be there forever or will it in fact hurt a little less tomorrow, a little less a week from now and even more in a year. You feel helpless as if your life has been stolen from you and your love has been lost. Every moment of the past is in question and you hurt so much that it is hard to even look towards the future. The you realize that life must move forward and time will not pause for you to mend. You slowly wake up from the shock you feel coursing through your veins and are left with the emptiness where your heart used to be. It is at this moment that you must stop and look at your tears that have stained your life and choose who you are going to be. Are you going to be the one who is damaged by this one moment in your life or are you going to stand up, dust yourself off and slowly mend your wound with a sock monkey band aid? Are you going to let this moment define who you are or are you going do define who you are in this moment? 

I have and will always choose the latter of the two. I can and always will pick myself up off the ground as slowly as I need to and instead of dusting off myself I will change my clothes and start fresh and move forward. I will allow myself to cry, be angry and sad as needed but I will always get back up. I will be life's little punching bag and always come right back at it after it attempts to knock me down. My heart may be scratched but I will not let it scar. I will allow myself time to heal and only when I am ready, I will take my band aid off. Until then, I will wear it and slowly mend. I will find myself in this life again and find my path I am supposed to take. I will guard my heart and soul. I will carry it around in a box and be ever so careful as to not drop or break it again.