He woke me up on the first cool morning of the season just so I would not miss it. The chill that surrounded each toe I stuck outside wrapped my heart in a feeling of warm joy. It is the time of year when the world sheds its layers in color embracing for the winter to follow. Time to slough off the old and start emotionally preparing for the new. It is this time of year that seems to jump start something inside of me. The summer's sun is setting earlier and as I wrap myself in a sweater I am also wrapped in the warmth from love. Love that grows with everyday and every year. A love meant to be shared with a beautiful growing family.
The time has come where I know my body has done everything it can possible do on its own. Seven supplements a day has slowly coaxed my body into a normalcy it has never known. Normalcy was not enough and where I am so proud of my body fighting so hard to make conception a possibility, it is time to let it rest and let the experts guide us on the next leg of our journey. A journey that I know will be filled with lows and possibly the most amazing high of my life, becoming a mommy.
For the first time I have a fear living in the darkest corner of my heart. It is a fear that I have never felt while battling Lupus. It is not a fear of loosing my life but a fear of not being able to create life. I wrestle daily with the disappointment felt month after month and morn the loss of something that never was. I hold back the anger that tries desperately to bubble to the surface. I can not hate because of the time taken from me. Instead I have to come to terms that the time taken can never be returned and I have to live with the possibility that my time has just ran out. With every rise of the sun, setting of the moon and footsteps left in the sand I move forward and try hard to leave this anger behind. I prepare my heart and soul for the battle about to begin. A battle for a baby of our own that we have dreamt about our entire lives. The battle that once won will feel like a lifetime ago.
On Wednesday I will walk into the office of a doctor I never wanted to see but I am so thankful to have found. I send positive thoughts into the universe in hopes of them returning to me. I wrap my heart in bubble wrap so that it may take the pain to come but will remain whole until the day we hear our good news that our miracle has occurred. Until then I will stand tall, fill my heart with love and hope and brace myself for the hard times to come. I will be prodded and poked for something greater than myself. Someone greater than the two of us combined.
http://www.fairhavenhealth.com/
No comments:
Post a Comment