My Sisters

They know me more than I know myself at times. They are the shadow that  are always there but may not be seen on sunless days. I long for them in the dark and can clearly see their faces in the light. We hold each other's secrets, hopes and dreams. I could not imagine a life without them and I would not be who I am if they never existed. I have permanent best friends, fighting partners and true soul mates. I have my sisters.

To say the last few weeks have been a difficult journey is an understatement. I have begun the preparation for our last little embryo transfer. It is a tough road to walk and at times it is the loneliest of roads. Day after day your are engulfed in a wave of hormones. Between doses there is not a moment to catch your breath. The person you see in the mirror is not who you feel like inside. You become a stranger to yourself and rely on those around you to remind you that in fact you still exist outside of all of this craziness.

I exist outside of this journey. I am not just going through IVF. I am me. I am silly and snort when I laugh really hard! If you ask me to do an accent, well, it will always be Jamaican. I talk about bodily functions way to much.  I am a child advocate who gives littles a voice that can be heard over all those loud grownups.....including myself. I have a green thumb and can garden with the best of them. I have an adventurous soul. I creep around icy corners on shelf roads. I love tremendously and I leave a mark on others lives that can not just be erased. I come from a flyover state that rolls in corn fields and something is terribly wrong if you do not wave to a stranger. Maybe that is why I have never met a stranger.  I am constant, steady and pure. I am me.

Sometimes it is hard to see me in where I am at right now. I am engulfed in this battle to become a mama and yes, for those of us going through IVF it is a never ending battle. However, there is a beautiful light that finds me when I need it the most. I see the little baby deer spotted cheeks in pictures of my Lauren. Mia is dancing....tap dancing....just like her auntie!!!!! In a few months I will hold my new niece and I am counting down the days until she is here with us. Are we even capable of producing boys in our family?!?!?!?!?

My life may change in the upcoming weeks and it may not. Through tears of joy or through tears of sadness I will see the ones who have always been here. The laughs of the little ones in my life will wake me up once more and bring me back to life. The silliness will find its way back into my days. I will be reminded how much I am loved by the faces that look a bit like mine. In good times and in bad they are constant and I cling to them in this sea of uncertainty in life. 

My sisters, they are bits and pieces of myself. They are the keepers of what matters most and are the first to remind me that I will never be lost, alone or on this journey without a hand to grab in the darkest of moments. For I am a part of my sisters and my sisters will always be a part of me. That alone in this world is enough to complete any heart.