I lost my way. I cursed the heavens for the pain it rained down on me. Why was I being chosen to carry this burden on top of so many more? Why was I hurting when others would never touch the shores of this abandoned island? So many question with no answers......or so I thought. Every night I would muster the courage to call to call to someone I had abandoned in the darkest of hours. I called to someone who I thought had abandoned me. I groveled for strength and begged for hope. I wanted this pain to leave my heart and be replaced with courage to move forward one more day. I bargained, I argued and I accepted.
After the final loss we would experience I shrugged my shoulders and threw up my hands. I realized in that moment I was not in control over anything. The doctors were not in control over something they promised all too easily. It was greater than myself and others surrounding me. All the stars could line up perfectly but if this was not your path interruption was lying in the road ahead. No stumbling and plotting a route around would allow you to continue. This was not your destiny and it would not be your future.
In a world where we long to control every aspect of our lives moments creep in that shake you. The fog in your mind is cleared and the truth shines through. It happens so quickly that you may miss it if your heart is closed; however, it is there. Moments reminding us that we can walk a path but the direction was decided before us. People come into our lives to exit making room for those meant to say. Heartbreak heals the soul and allows the mind to see what truly is in front of us. The secrets of the world are not so secret after all. They are there for each of us to see and are not hidden in the darkness but glow under the light.
One night I settled in and prayed for hope and to be guided in the direction I was meant to go. I asked for peace in knowing our family would not be started in a clinical setting. I longed for peace in the process of adoption. I mediated on my heart opening to the possibilities of the world and to not quit just yet. I asked for a miracle. Not a miracle for myself but one I could testify to. One that I could not ignore. One that would allow the fog in my mind to clear. Finally my heart was open.
I am reminded of my miracle every moment of everyday. I let go and finally I could receive. Fear still tends to creep in at times. I am left wondering how this amazing blessing was chosen to bestowed upon me. I am just one girl in the world who had a desire to become a mom. I went to the end of the medical world to find my family only to be redirected. On that November morning that truly changed my life I sat in silence looking at the line that told me to turn around and look within to the find the happiness you have longed for. An adventure had begun before I even knew it but one I had always had faith in and was chosen for me from the beginning of my time.
We will be having a beautiful baby girl this July. We will call out little one Lillian Grace. For it took grace every time I fell to slowly rise once more and brush the dirt off of myself and choose to carry forward one step at a time. I now find myself praying for guidance and wisdom so that Lilly will always carry faith deep within her heart. When the fog clears in her head I pray her heart will always be open. I pray she will see the truth and follow in the footsteps of so many who came before her but leave a mark in time that no one will be able to replicate.
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