Self Worth

As little kids our parents shower us with compliments and they never let you believe that anything is out of your reach. My parents always told me I could be anything I wanted and they truly made me feel special as I recall from my earliest memories. I had parents who encourage me to try out for things, join groups and be a part of teams. I was a shy little one and very clumsy but some how I was a dancer! I felt alive on stage and had no fear. I thank my parents for instilling that remarkable trait in me and nurturing it as I grew up. I knew I was loved every moment of everyday and knew that there was not a day that would ever go by that my parents would not do everything in their power for me. It was a remarkable way to grow up and this belief in myself has helped shape me into the person I have become. 

Believe me, I was no angel growing up and probably caused all the grey hairs my parents have. I fell on my face so many times and when I thought it was impossible to get back up there was the hands that loved me lifting me off the ground and back onto my feet where I was safe. I was told that everyone makes mistakes, gets bad grades and struggles with right and wrong and that it was normal. It was in the beauty of making mistakes where you learn life's most precious lessons. Lessons that will be stored in your tool box for life. 

When I put on my big girl shoes and ran out into the real world I knew I was prepared for everything because of the life lessons and love I had experienced as a little one. I was armed with knowledge that would lead to a great job and further education. I was armed with forgiveness that would need to be called on. I was armed with acceptance that I am perfect just the way I am. One thing no one thought I would ever need to know about is what do you do when you are sick and you will never get better.

Lupus is so tough. You can not see it from the outside but hose who suffer, suffer from the inside. Lupus is unpredictable and has a way of stealing your tools in your life's tool box and never returning them. Little by little overtime Lupus changes you. It may not be a change you like or even have control over. It takes your ability to function in a normal everyday life away. It takes away those hopes and dreams that your parents told you were always possible. There are moments where you feel as if all of your self worth has been taken and that wonderful self esteem you have always had is now missing. You look and look for where it may have been hidden and you pray that one day you can find it and remind yourself who you truly are again! Until then you are left with a shell of a person and you have to fill that person back up. But how do you choose what to fill it up with?????

I have chosen to fill my shell of a new Lupus body up with the smell of fall leaves, the thankfulness of thanksgiving and the joy of Christmas and lets not forget the renewal we all feel when the first tulip blooms in the spring. All moments in our lives that stir up happiness, hope and joy! Rare moments that we long to capture and hold on to for the remaining of the year. 

Yes, you change when you become sick. You readjust your expectations in life and set new goals for yourself. You will fall on your face and again you will be picked up by the hands who love you and you will carry on. You will learn to accept yourself as this new person and you will learn to love who you are even with the creeks and cracks you feel when you move. I know the stars are not my limits and I can get to anything I want and be anyone I want to be. How am I so sure you ask, well, because my mom and dad still tell me so.