Solitude

There was a moment in time where I was secluded in a hospital room. There had been a big red X on my door letting others know that they needed to stay away. Inside was an unidentified yuck that could spread from person to person. No one was to enter or leave without the permission of the doctor assigned to my case. Inside the room was a girl throwing a fit because of a mask that had to be worn. I could not breathe to begin with and if you have ever had one of the medical masks on, well, lets just say that did not help the breathing issue at hand. All I knew was I could not breathe and I just wanted to feel better. From the outside looking in they knew what laid beyond that door marked with the red X was the swine flu and there was nothing anyone could do but wait and send me home with Tamaflu hoping that I would not become another statistic in the loss of life counted that year. 

The life of someone with a chronic disease is one of unimaginable terror and unbelievable highs. You feel terror that shakes you to your core on a daily basis........the terror that the pain felt right at this moment could be a sign of irreparable damage that one could not recover from. Breaths taken that begin and end in a flurry of confusion and questions that no one can answer........why does the simple task of breathing hurt so much? The highs occur on a level that only those of us who face death and a battle for life can experience. The celebration daily that occurs when your eyes open from a fitful sleep or the sigh of relief heard around the world as you settle in and come to the realization you have made it through another day. 

What most do not see and the secret of "special people" we keep is one that weighs so heavy on our minds and exhausts our hearts. The secret of solitude that is felt in a room where we rest alone and the solitude we feel even in a crowd of many. Solitude seems to be one of the most prominent symptoms for us. With a disease that never mimics anothers course, solitude follows all of us like a lost puppy searching for a permanent forever home. I find myself running from it every moment of everyday. I wake up exhausted from trying to sneak away from it in my moments of dreaming. But just like the dream you can not shake after having it, solitude reaches from the dream world and tightly grasps my awake mind. 

This shadow of solitude has been following me and stalking my every moment over the last few months. I am left feeling as if I live in the dark and the world is turning around me while others point and laugh at the expense of me and the disease that has taken so much already. Those who claim to understand run back and forth between the laughter of others and the darkness of the solitude felt by me. Others try to bring me into the circle only to let go once they see the grasp of the disease will never loosen its grip. 

Scarlet letter........no, but a red X warning others to not approach is tattooed on my soul. Others see this and do not even approach. Those who approach have been ushered out of my life due to fear that the solitude will be to much and that possibly it could grip their soul and heart. It is easier for others to walk away than to slow their pace down and walk beside someone with limitations. Next time you turn away from someone like me remember solitude can be cured with an addition of only one. A simple hand that reaches from the crowd and steps closer to the center of the spinning top of life. Disease has already taken so much, please do not allow it to take our sense of purpose as a human being. We love life more than you could ever imagine. Yes, our pace is slower but at the slower pace one can experience the beauty of life once you truly stop to smell the roses and see the true blue beauty of the sky. You see, we have more to give than to take all we need is someone to decide to go against the grain of what is expected and step to center and grasp our bodies and hearts and hold on and never let go. We will take you one the ride of a lifetime.