It is there. Pain that has silently been hiding waiting for its moment to show itself in the most inopportune time. The doctors never mean to pry and they never want to cause their patients pain. However, this time this doctor asked a question that has been echoed through the tunnels of my life, at least the last ten years of it. Why had I waited so long to try to have a baby with Lupus?
I have always been drawn to the little ones. As my husband likes to put it, they are shiny objects that attract the eye of females, especially this one! I wanted to be a teacher when I grew up but when I became sick the doctor told me that it could shorten my life if I expose myself to germy germs that the little ones always seem to ooze. Well, I switched majors and became an accountant knowing in the deepest part of my heart and soul that my true calling would be as a mother. Those little ones would have my entire life and love devoted to them.
My desire to one day have a family was not a secret to anyone who walked into my life. I would speak of my love of numbers as an accountant, the love I had for travel and exploration and the longing I had for a family. I would ease them into a life with someone with a chronic disease. Most of the time sheltering them from the pain and suffering I face on a daily basis. Honesty was key and understanding a must. Love had to be unconditional and the wants and needs had to be mutual.
My time has always been limited. I did not have forever in this great age of medical miracles. At age twenty two the doctors told me that they would only support a pregnancy until I was thirtyfive. After that it could be risky and they were not sure it would be the healthiest option for me. Boy was I not ready to hear that at such a young age! So, I wrapped up this information with a blue and pink bow and filed it in the back of my mind as someday. The older I got I became more aware of this ticking time clock and started to look at the people who would come into my life as possible forever loves. One by one I was disappointed by their inability to commit and their lack of acceptance of my Lupus.
Someone walked into my life in my late twenties. This one promised me forever with the understanding that time was important. A life was being built, memories were being made and time snuck past so quickly. One day I looked at him and told him that if there is ever a moment in our lives that I am no longer the one he claimed I was and if I was not someone he could see starting a family with it was his responsibility to let me go so that I had a chance at a life that I truly deserved. Once more the promise of forever was made. He committed his life to mine through the words he spoke and the life we continued to build. As thirtyfive approached and seven years together had went by I finally asked for what we had talked about all along. I was ready for the commitment and the family I had dreamt of. When push came to shove I was told a few months prior to my thirty fifth birthday that he did not want to give me the forever we had built. I walked away from the life I had known knowing that the only thing I had left to focus on was myself and what I wanted for the rest of my life. I realized in this awful tug of war I had went through that no one was worth leaving my wants and needs that had always been so clearly stated behind. It was truly time to find my forever happiness.
As I healed I saw the truth in my heart shine bright! It attracted the kind of friendships and love that I deserved to have in my life. I found me again and was able to finally focus on my wants and needs and not on someone else's. Removed from the past I was dancing into my future and along the way I met my perfect dance partner, my other half, my forever love, my Greg. Greg dances with me through everyday on the end tails of giggles and laughter. I see what it truly means to be loved and cared for just as I am in this one moment. When the past walked out I realized what I wanted in a husband and more importantly in a father for my future children. I thought I had known all along but I was once again proven wrong but in the most positive way imaginable.
Yes, I waited to have children. I am trying so desperately to move past this lingering anger that seeps out of the cracks of my life when I am faced with the simple fact that those important years are gone. I feel as though I had time taken from me. I will never be thirty again. I will never be thirty three again and I most certainly can not move back to the year before turning thirty five. How do you move past that?
The answer is simple, I wake up everyday in the arms of my husband. I push past the pain in my heart. The pain that is realized when I think that I may not be able to give him a family. I wish I could go back and give those years to him. The years that would have allowed us to have more time and more hope than we face today for a family. Then in one moment I am brought back to reality. I am enough for him. He carries my Lupus with him everyday as a disease that we share. Every burden that rests on my heart he carries as well. I am reminded that through life I will never be alone. You see, we will be a family someday. Our baby I may not give birth to but the love we have for it has already been planted in our hearts and will be born of a dream that I have always dreamt of. One that is realized not just by its mother but also by its father.
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