The pain used to come in waves. It would ebb and flow and as I would brace for impact I knew in my heart that this would pass. Days of pain washing up on the shore of my life would disappear and days with more comfort were seen on the horizon. I clung to those moments of relief. A small respite in this never ending battle. Now the waves no longer come in and go out. I have found myself wading through the still and stagnant waters of constant pain. I have chosen to sacrifice my comfort for the possibility of the joy of a child.
Recently I have found myself questioning when to much is simply just too much. I will not admit that out loud and even seeing it in writing breaks my heart a little piece at a time. Do I have enough strength for another month or maybe six more months of trying? Lupus has robbed me of so much in my life. I can not allow it to take one more dream of mine away. I have to fight. I have to fight for everything. I have to fight for things that come so easily to others. I have never wasted a moment of my life asking why and I will not start now.
I am on my knees looking up above asking if there is a God. I beg for relief and resilience that is needed to make my small but significant mark on this world. I ask for the grace of understanding to be placed on my heart and the knowledge to know when my body has had enough. In my soul I know that everything happens for a reason. I may not understand today or even tomorrow but one day, one day my life will be clear and I will see why this suffering and struggle had to take place and had to be a part of me.
I must have faith. I must believe that there is a greater purpose to my life with Lupus. It is not time to abandon my dream of being a mother. I will not let Lupus rob me of my love, my commitment to my family or my heart of a fighter. For when the days seem to be the darkest the most beautiful light is still yet to come.
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