2015

The year was brought in with celebration. The year held so much hope and so much joy. Our engagement was celebrated around the country with friends and family scattered every where joining in in our moment of pure joy. Families were joined and unconditional love was the foundation for both of our lives. I knew unconditional love was what we were built to give and to receive. Backgrounds were different but commonality joined us in unexpected ways. A true feeling of pure commitment and promises that were meant to never break were made. Life truly began in that instant. I woke up without even knowing I was sleeping. 

On a beautiful May afternoon I walked down a sandy sun drenched isle in my pretty perfect purple lace shoes. The breeze danced off of the clear turquoise water and met my cheeks and swirled through my long hair. Fear that crept in my forever worrying mind seemed to roll away with every wave as I quietly listened to them gently crash onto the white sandy shore. I closed my eyes, cradled my orchids and listened for Cat Power and floated down the aisle as the words come with me my love, to the sea, the sea of love met the ocean sound in perfect harmony...........I met the strongest, kindest, most beautiful soul I have ever met. 

We took our first steps as husband and wife into the caribbean waters where local tradition states that those who step into the magical water will be blessed in a beautiful way. Somehow in this crazy intertwined world we live in I met the reflection of myself and fell in love. We married in the West Indies as our families and friends waited with bated breath to receive the first picture.........WE DID IT!!!!!!!! In that moment I knew I had in fact been blessed in so many beautiful ways. Life was just beginning for us. 

The first year of marriage has not always been easy and has been filled with learning pains only new love goes through but also grows through. With every bump in the road we fight our way out of uncertainty and insecurity to find not only a better us but more importantly to find ourselves individually. It is a love story only written for our lives that we will walk through together until our time ends. I silently appreciate the way he lets me sleep in in the morning. He never leaves my side when Lupus forces us into that ever dreaded limbo of the emergency room. He follows my gurney every where and only stays outside of the testing rooms because of radiation. He walked alongside of me through chemotherapy and was my biggest cheerleader when I chose it was time to stop. 

As hospital visits became fewer and fewer in between I started to uncover my inner voice. I was not better and no, chemotherapy will never cure Lupus, but time and careful care can help keep it at bay on the best of days. As I silently cared for myself more than I ever had in my past the voice I found that had been buried for so long left me screaming. I shouted and became a personal advocate for my needs as a brave, beautiful and strong women battling an invisible disease. 

I was tired of being told to suck it up and to silent my inner voice that shouted.......LISTEN TO ME! I am a walking poster for awareness and it is my job to not be silent and to show all that you can battle illness and still be amazing. Bravery is the most beautiful light you can be seen in. I bask in that light every moment I am alive in this incredibly beautiful world. A world I can only see through pain, fear and pure acceptance of what my life truly looks like. 

Morning fog is this beautiful white down coverlet that silently rolls back once it is time for the world to wake. I can feel every finger the sun touches me with and the warmth it holds in its hands. Rain washes the dirt away and leaves our world bathed in crisp beautiful colors. Rainbows.......rainbows are miracles for us to see and to remind us to stop and truly believe in this fast paced world.

I did not want to just be seen anymore. I was finally brave enough to believe in myself and in the power of my voice. It was time to be heard. For so many years I was the quite half that fought alone in silence. Not anymore. I am better than silence. I am more beautiful than that. I am braver than that. I am stronger than that. It is time to be heard and I screamed so loud that my voice traveled around the world. 

As I traveled around the world through words we raged a battle here at home. A battle so many fight and so many fight silently. We fought our way through IVF only to conclude our amazing year with our first attempt failing. A heartbreaking blow to a positive attitude because I know my destiny. My destiny is motherhood. Destiny must wait and our baby has not found us quite yet. It's on the way and will arrive in its own time. Just like its mother. 

Time passes so quickly. Life changes in the blink of an eye. Uncertainty and fear lead to discovery and acceptance. Loss is processed and again you choose to come out the other end of the rabbit hole scratched but not damaged. Never damaged. The scratches fade and not even a trace is left. True strength does not scar but heal the scratches of yesterday to reveal the newness of tomorrow. With passing time the pain of yesterday is a distant memory that one day you wake up and it feels like a dream and you look around and your reality is so much more beautiful that you could have ever dreamt. 

This year starts again with the newness of endless possibilities. A year of growth and beautiful moments lie in front of each one of us. It is our job to choose to see the beauty that surrounds us everyday. Love the family you have. Cherish the friendships that pick you up off of the cold harsh ground Friendships that reach for you in the deepest darkness of your mind. Remember the beauty you hold within is worth shouting from the highest mountain top. Your voice is one but you are loud enough that you too can be heard around the world. 

Welcome new year. I am ready for you. I am not afraid of you. I am ready to make my mark once more on this beautiful adventure called life. My moment.......our moment.