Lack of giving..........

I would not normally describe myself as a selfish person. I have an eminence amount of love that I try to constantly give and I have enough smiles in my back pocket to share with the world! However, I have realized lately that it is very easy for someone like me who has an illness that is constantly watched by the medical community and a daily routine that is always on your loved ones minds that it is easy to to let life revolve around you. Moments tend to be more about you even when you are not physically present in them. Doctors want to know what your insides are doing and family and friends are always worrying and questioning how you are truly doing behind those glistening eyes. 

I have come to a point in my life where it feels as if everything must move so quickly. Moments must happen quickly before they slip through my hands. I have been so consumed with focusing on these moments that I have found myself slipping into this dark whole with room for only one, myself. Sadness has filled my heart knowing that my own wants and needs have surpassed the wants and needs of others. I feel as if I have failed those around me during these selfish moments. There were moments where I insisted everyone to know and understand what it felt like to walk in my shoes and feel through my heart when really I needed to step out of my shoes and slip on theirs and love through their hearts. 

Honesty is so hard to give when you are the one who is admitting the lack of understanding and compassion. I realize I am not the only one who suffers with Lupus in my life, everyone does. Everyone knows what it is like to see me stuck in bed, missing outings and having to pass on the silly moments that present themselves. It is the constant love and support that gets me through those tough times. It is their love and understanding that allows me to get up everyday and shout to the world it hurts or that it is a fantastic feeling day! 

Thank you! Thank you to my friends who continue to invite me to the balls of life even when 90% of the time I can not make it. Thank you to my love who never runs away and keeps me going everyday. Thank you to my family who constantly have me in their thoughts and in their hearts. It is all of you who make me feel safe enough to say I have given to little lately and would love to give more. As a friend I will continue to grow and fight through everyday because I know when I wake up tomorrow you will all be there cheering me on!