Disposed Of

At the onset of my disease I was in my carefree early twenties. I had been legally "blessed" by the alcohol Gods and was not turned away at any door that vibrated with loud music and an atmosphere of fun. I lived on my own, had a wonderful job and like anyone in their early twenties, felt invincible to the world around me. Nothing bad could or would touch me! I was embarking on the best times of my life. The world was open to me and anything was possible. Every moment felt as if I was riding with my windows down and I could feel the breeze slip through my fingers as I forced them against the oncoming air. Life was a whimsical tail told by others as the most imaginative and enjoyable time of their lives. Unknown to me everything was about to change and life would never be the same. 

I was twenty two and the doctors tried to explain to me that it was sleeping so soundly in my DNA and the sudden shock of moving from Ohio, a cooler climate, to Arizona.....let's be honest , Hell on Earth in the heat department, had shaken my internal DNA and suddenly a disease had been released into my body. This disease would now take control over everything. It would decide on what it felt was needed and not needed. It would fight anything in its sights even if it was a vital part to the functioning of my body itself. Blood would forever be tainted with stained and specked spots floating around and reproducing at a rapid rate. Karma was asking to be paid in full. No amount of good in the past would change the fate of my future. 

Time would pass by and refused to slow when I needed it to the most. My body had betrayed me and would never reconcile with me no matter how many days and nights I spent pleading for the pain to stop and bargaining with a disease that had no face that if by some miracle I could be healthy I would never take anything in this world for granted. I would emanate love and kindness and grant forgiveness every time I looked upon regret. I would be true to myself and understand with great capacity within the world I lived in. However, the Devil continued to knock at my door and when finally answered it Lupus was staring back into my soul every time I looked into the mirror.

The daily fight to survive was redefined for me. I would fight for my life for the rest of my life and in the end may even have to pay with my life. Processing that simple idea that most will never face in their life became a goal, almost a challenge. I decided all of the bargaining I had done with my body truly showed me who I wanted to be and the mark I would leave. I would live with my disease with grace and dignity and never impose my pain on others. I made it my mission that no one would suffer due to the fact that I was sick and everyone in my life would see normalcy when they looked at me and nothing would radiate from my soul that shouted, "Look at me!!!!!! I am sick!" I would show love and kindness and would forgive where regret remained. I would take the simple concept of an organization I hold dear to my heart and leave the world a better place than I found it. That was the person I would come to know as myself.

Today I am proud that when I look in the mirror and see Lupus staring right back at me that all it is is a vision of who I am. I have been disposed of like a piece of unwanted property many times because of the draining affect my disease carries with it. The resentment towards me because of something I can not control has melted into my life. A changing of the guard has occurred and like those from the past I have been locked out by a gate that I no longer posses a key for. Friends have rotated and all of their lives have carried on seamlessly. The sick person has left the building and a new and healthy one has walked in the back door. I have not disappeared and while time moves on I am still fighting for my life. I will never live a life free of Lupus. While everyone embraces change one thing will always be consistent, no matter how many times people leave my life and "dispose" of me because of my life I will always be left fighting for my life. One day you will hear a mention of Lupus and you will think to yourself or maybe even boldly say that you used to know someone with Lupus but I will be the real fighter because for the rest of my life I am Lupus.