You came in and and took my hand. It did not matter that you had worked through the night. You lead me out to the truck and loaded me in. You did not question my needs at that moment because you knew it was beyond what you could do for me. The pain exceeded what we could handle together and something was terribly wrong. Something was terribly wrong but you were strong and lead me through the Emergency Room doors with a hand on my back. I was terrified and it was not because I was feeling so sick.......I was terrified that you would leave just as they had all left before you.
You see, in the past I was made to feel broken and ashamed of what was going on inside of me. The unconditional support and love I needed in the darkest of moments was never there and I was forced to navigate the choppy waters of my disease alone. I grew to believe I was in this alone and accepted it and did not demand the love, compassion and care I truly needed and deserved. No matter how sick I was I still deserved the simple respect a human being should not have to fight for. My needs were second and this was felt in the long days and weeks of living my daily life alone. There was not enough time left in the day for the bothersome burden my disease blanketed us with. Questions were answered in a gruff manner that left me feeling as if I was a bother.......a burden. This has left me questioning my true ability and strength I need to fight for my life everyday. I have been left with fear and a sense of loss........a loss of myself because I surrendered my needs for the sake of another. Not anymore.
As they poked and prodded and gave me shot after shot you never left my side. You closed your eyes when you thought I had fallen asleep. One noise out of my mouth and you were right next to me. Making me laugh and holding me through the moments of breathtaking pain. You showed me love in a way I have not experienced. You never let me apologize without scolding me. The love felt through your touch made me feel safe and for the first time I could let go of the past and the fears that had been sketched onto my heart. For the first time I was not alone and all I had to do was whisper your name and everything was right in the world. In my life, in that moment you became a true man in my eyes and my heart. I had finally found what I had longed for even before I knew it was missing.
I am struggling right now. I am very sick and very afraid of every fever and every headache. Septic shock is what we are monitoring for and hoping the bacterial infection in my lymphatic system stays there and does not dance throughout my blood. Bed rest has stolen my long weekend and has taken my time out in nature away. However, at the end of the day my body may be done and the sickness may take over but one thing I can count on is that I am not going through any of this alone.
For the first time in my life I have someone who puts me first and monitors me and learns from me and accepts me just as I am. He understands that he is not only inviting me into his life but also Lupus. It does not phase him. He looks past my disease and sees me, the real me. The me that loves to laugh and watch fun shows on tv. The me that adores family and can not wait to start my own. The me that tried to do everything on her own without asking for help. He truly sees who I am and on those days it is to much and I have to rest and watch a movie.......he is right there on the couch with me making me laugh and for a moment I can forget that I am sick.
He is my strength, my rock and my friend. He is my love, my today and my tomorrow. Because of him I am no longer afraid of the future and what Lupus has in store for me because I know I am not alone and he will be right there next to me every step of the way. He is amazing and he is my Greg.
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