Life can be cruel at times. Life tends to lead you on by allowing you to feel safe and secure and just when you take a deep breath in and slowly release convincing yourself that, hey, you have this, it decides to pull a fast one on you. The false sense of security is ripped out of your hands as you reluctantly let go. The bearings you had on what you felt was headway made was actually an illusion and life now shows you that you are still left grasping to the ledge you are barely hanging on to. For a moment you have taken two steps forward and twenty steps back.
Over the last year I have struggled to hold onto that ledge that I built for myself. I slip and cling as tight as I can and I wait for the numbness to overtake me so that I feel as if I have a new grasp on the world. The numbness allows me to forget that I am barley hanging on and for a period of time I can feel the sweet acceptance of a new chapter in my life. Out of the blue something unexpectedly always comes along and throws me back into my reality and the grip loosens and the panic feeling overwhelms me as I again struggle to find the numbness that will allow me to carry on.
I have recently experienced one of those moments where life laughs cruelly in my face knowing that at any moment I may choose to let go. I have been very sick over the last few months. I have been in and out of the doctors office, emergency room and urgent cares. Each time I shuffle through the sliding doors and I put so much trust in strangers because I am at a point of desperation. I want to feel better........I want to feel better all the time. I will do anything, try anything and will allow them to poke and prod as much as they need to in order to finally deliver the golden ticket of health and security. I exit the doors I walked through moments ago without a golden ticket but with five prescriptions that we hope may help and I am still left searching for my Willy Wonka in the medical field.
Tonight I seclude myself in a bedroom and stack up pillows behind my back so that I can work on reducing the fluid that has now built up in my lungs. I try not to cough for the fear of the pain that follows the rough convulsions caused by my lungs seizing when I breathe in to deep. I shake to the drum of Albuterol and sing to the tune of strong antibiotics. I pray to every God known to man and ask for an ounce of relief from the infection that has now taken over and seems to be able to beat the odds of death by medicine. I miss the ability to swallow firm foods and I am exhausted from the constant run to the bathroom resulting from an all liquid diet. A fight is raging inside and I must be the strong leader no matter the sacrifices or the cost.
I am clinging to the ledge once more. My legs are dangling as I try to crawl up the side of the wall while my feet slip at every attempt. I can feel the pain in my fingertips as they cry out for mercy and for me to just let go. I reminder myself that this to shall pass and the pain will again turn to numbness. I collect myself and stop fighting the pull of gravity and settle in for another long struggle but as I settle in I look up and see the beauty of the blue in the sky and feel the sun warm my face and in that moment I am reminded why I hold on so tight and never let go.......even in pain there is always beauty to be found.
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