Night

Silence is heard throughout the house as I sneak downstairs taking every step lightly as not to wake anyone sleeping soundly behind the closed doors. I stir in an uncomfortable position and I just pray with all my heart that movement will actually result in relief. I am often left pondering why the nights are so tough in comparison to the days. Is it because I am forced to acknowledge the pain that has settled in from a long day and numerous nights of interrupted sleep? The pain that is easy to forget during the day when the light guides me through the daily obstacles is realized in the silence, stillness and darkness of the surrounding night.

I long for that soft blue hue to peak through my window announcing the day has begun. I will find myself in the daily activities that have become a comforting routine. The voices that alert me that the house is once again filled with laughter and love remind me that I am not alone in this world. I will find the comfort in the sun and the promise of another day in this world. 

Until then I must patiently wait. Minute by minute and hour by hour pass as I struggle to stay in my own skin. My Lupus is haunting me once again through the shadows in the dark corners of my mind. I beg for mercy and for an ounce of sleep until I can no longer muster up the strength to embrace one more thought. Then, in pure exhaustion, I will drift off for minutes, maybe even hours if I am lucky to a place where I no longer hurt and in those moments no longer have Lupus. It will be a short but sweet respite of what has mirrored my life for so long. I will hang on to those moments throughout the day until I lay my head softly down once more in hopes of finding that magical place of comfort and peace..........where pain no longer exists.