Skin and Bones

You were real........you were real. I felt you, I saw you and you were growing with every beat of my heart. You were my special secret not yet shared with the rest of the world and now I am left mourning you alone. You are still there but only for a matter of days that feel like an eternity. You will leave me soon and I can not wrap my arms around the grief for it is too large for this world. Fighting through the thickness of the day smothers me. I can not breath as I listen and watch the world around me move so quickly. I wonder if anyone else is grieving in this moment binding us through feelings yet never having met. 

The books meant to guide me through the next nine months must be put back on the shelf. The stories that would fill our lives will be set aside for another place and time in this life of mine. As the hours pass our future disappears with the physical pain piercing and emotional anguish lingering. I just want to go back just in that moment of time where tears of joy were shed in the wake of knowing new life was forming. 

I can not bring myself to have our once daily conversations between a mother and their growing child. No amount of begging will keep you and the family who I have told you about will never hold you. However, I will hold you. I will hold you in my heart as my body physically lets you go. I will dream of you every moment of everyday. You will be embedded in my soul for the rest of my life. I will silently celebrate you on Mother's Day and I will quietly remember you on the day you were to be born. 

A mama becomes a mama the day they know their baby is growing inside. The attachment is formed and that unexplainable bond is immediate. I never believed this when others tried to explain and for a moment I was privileged enough to understand this indescribable sense of foreign emotion. Emotions that will force me to heal physically and learn to cope emotionally. Time will lessen the pain but the wound will leave a scar that I will carry as only I can.

Thank you from the bottom of everything that I am. Thank you for the brief joy that was felt. Thank you for showing me the possibility of what can be. Thank you for being the joy of my life for a short moment in time. I promise you I will one day cry less and laugh more. I promise you that I will be worthy of the gift you gave me. I will hold onto your memory and I will let go of you being the beginning of the rest of my life. I will not give up and one day I will have my rainbow after the waves of grief subside and roll onto the shore less and less. 

For now I will cry. For now I will be angry. For now I will feel the emptiness that is left in the shell of myself. For now I will celebrate that for a mere moment in time I was a mother and you were my child.