The End Is Here

I walked out of the office. It was my final draw in this journey. I said my sweet goodbyes knowing that the faces that have pulled me through the devastation would no longer be visible on a weekly basis. I looked in her eyes and realized those eyes are the ones I looked forward to seeing every Monday. In her eyes I could find my blueberry. In those eyes were pictures of the last six months. The excitement of our baby on the way, the heartbreaking phone call only she could make telling me the end was nearing and finally, the final moment where the present officially became the past. My time was real and in those eyes I am reassured that the joy and the heartbreak were not a dream I just woke up from but one I actually experienced.

Longing for the day when I could say it was all over has been realized and the relief I thought I would feel is nothing but a figment of my imagination. This feeling is not what I expected. I felt as though my heart could break no more than it already had but I was mistaken. I realize now that I held on to every positive reading knowing that my body was trying to catch up to reality. It was a gift given to me by myself. A chance to allow my heart to catch up to life itself. The presence of my pregnancy was fleeting but still there. I was allowed to feel for one more week what it meant to be pregnant. I was given one more week to mourn the loss of what never will be. I didn't have to forget anything when my body was constantly reminding me. Every moment I clinged to as time slowly ripped it from my grasp. 

Today I stare at my open hands. Bare and red from the tight grip on slipping memories. They are now empty as my palms reach up and I search for something to grasp. Finally realizing there is nothing left. What I thought was the worst is still yet to come. Finding the grace to hold my head high once more and try again is the greatest challenge I face. Stepping out into the world every morning and facing the world after is the fear of today.

One day at a time is too big for my heart. One hour at a time is more of the pace I am finding myself in. As hours pass and moments of anger, sadness and smiles compile before I know it another day will have passed. I will have made it through and I will lay my head down on my pillow that night. In the moment of haze as I step one foot from reality and place it into my world of dreams I will remind myself. Today is done and tomorrow is near. What was unbearable today will be easier tomorrow. The sun will bring me back to reality and as I step out into the day I will remind myself today is a new day and a chance to once again simply try again.